Originally Posted by BurtsGirl
Keely, thank you for not ignoring my post and for answering with your own bare, emotional thoughts. As I was writing it, I knew I was putting myself out there, something I probably will not do again. Sometimes validation of our feelings is all we really need. Thanks for filling that need when it looked like no one else would. Hugs to you, sister. Hang tight. If you ever need to talk or share, feel free to PM me and I'll send you my email address.
On another note my HSG went good and I didn't have a vagal response.
I just wanted you to know that I was really moved by your post. I think that it takes a lot to put yourself out there that way, and write about the ways in which this process makes us doubt ourselves constantly.
I didn't answer right away for two reasons. One is that I sort of feel like I'm hijacking too much air time on the TTC thread right now, and I don't want to take up too much space, create less of a forum for those who are indeed here trying to conceive.
The second reason is far more complicated, and has to do with how ambivalent I feel about my own pregnancy right now. As you know, I tried very hard to get pregnant, and I still feel sort of shell-shocked about the fact that my emotional response, rather than overwhelming joy, has been intermittent excitement overshadowed by a lot of sadness and fear.
I wrote on here that I was planning to stop ttc in January if I didn't get pregnant by then. But what I didn't write is that some part of me secretly sort of hoped that I wouldn't
get pregnant. There are so many ways in which NOT having a child right now started to seem so appealing - I could keep traveling, not be stressed about money, and most importantly, could see what happened in my relationship with my girlfriend without the stress of an impending baby.
Honestly, I'm still not sure that I should have kept on ttc. I have days when I fear that I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Mostly, I chalk that up to progesterone-induced mood swings. But the truth is, my life is about to change drastically, and I am terrified.
I know that there are a million reasons about why I want to be a parent. I am so excited about bringing a new life into the world, seeing things with my child's sense of wonder. I am excited about the possibilities of creating new family, new community, new forms of love. And I know that I'm going to be a great parent, and that I'm going to love doing it, and love my kid, and that this isn't ultimately a decision that I'm going to regret.
But, it has been a really hard and scary one to make. So please don't ever beat yourself up for your own ambivalence, or fears. I read a really nice quote by James Baldwin, one of my favorite authors, tonight. Coming across it at this particular moment was really meaningful to me, and so, I share it here with you:There is never time in the future in which we will work out our salvation. The challenge is in the moment; the time is always now.
I'm really sorry if you felt like this wasn't a safe place to share your feelings. I hope you know how much I respect your willingness to share the details of your journey, and how much it means to me to have this community of strong, loving, queer women as part of my support network.