13 yr. old BIL might move in with us!

[hottmama]

Okay, the title pretty much says it all... my partner has a half-brother who will be 13 in about a week. He's in 7th grade, marginally (he was held back last year but they have a program where he goes ahead anyway but has to catch up). He was recently suspended from school. He has a lot of issues at school, but is pretty much a good kid. My MIL is a good mom, my partner and his sister and other half-brother are all adults now (27, 25, and 19), and she is poor, single, and works a lot. I just don't think she has the time or energy to deal with BIL's issues. He's a good kid, but he has no self discipline. So for the past year my partner and I have been discussing having BIL move in with us, and the suspension was just the latest thing and he decided we really should do it and it's financially feasible for us (we could get a 3BR in our complex for pretty much no increased cost, and his sister would help us to support him financially). So we have talked to MIL and BIL about it and it looks like it will be happening after the school year is over in May, or sooner if he has any more problems in school.

Has anyone ever done this before, with a younger relative? How did it go? My kids are about to be 5 and 2 and we're unschoolers. I know it will be a huge transition for him-- he eats junk food and plays video games literally all day long, and we are pretty strict about junk food and TV.
He's overweight from his diet and lack of exercise, which I think can be easily addressed-- I know he likes to play outside but he's not really allowed to because he lives in what some people consider a dangerous neighborhood. We live in an incredibly safe neighborhood-- my not yet 5 yr. old plays outside and rides around on his bike all the time. They have gone on bike rides together before and I think both of them would have a great time together. Also, he has an interest in cooking and he watches food tv all the time. When given the chance to eat really tasty, healthy food, he loves it.

I am not sure whether he would go to public school or be homeschooled. I don't think unschooling would be the right choice for him right now, but I think homeschooling might give him a great chance to catch up to grade level and explore his interests more. He said he would like to be homeschooled but I'm not sure he knows what it would entail.

So... I don't know exactly what I'm looking for... advice? Your stories? Eek! I'm just so nervous about the whole thing although I feel sure that it's the right thing to do.

[Openskyheart]

It sounds like a daunting and exciting time in your family's life! My first question would be, what does your BIL think about all of this? At 13, he may have some strong opinions about where he wants to live, how he wants to live, how he wants to school, etc.

I have a 13 y.o. ds who has been relaxed homeschooled since he was in 2nd grade. At this age, they really have to want to homeschool to make it work well. The social issues are really more challenging, and more important, IMO, at this stage than the academic issues. If he left school, would he miss friends, and his normal social life, or are those aspects of life not as important to him as exploring homeschooling? Since you're already unschooling your two kids, you're most likely connected into the homeschooling community in your area. How's the homeschooling teen scene? In our community, the support structures for homeschooling kind of falls apart for teens when compared to the great involvement of families with homeschooled kids prior to that age. How is it in your community?

Another thing I would be concerned about would be the BIL's relationship with your younger children. Does he get along well with them? The little ones need tons of hands-on attention at those ages. How are you going to transition your BIL in, and make sure that the little ones are getting the attention they need, etc.

Wow! What a big commitment you're making. I admire you and your family for taking this on.

[hottmama]

Well, one thing I somehow forgot to mention, is that we live 350 miles away from him (and all our other family). So he'd be leaving his friends either way. I was surprised at how much he accepted the idea... he was just like, "Okay, cool. Will I go to school there?" Which is when I told him he could go to school (they're pretty good here-- much better than in the city we're from) or be homeschooled.
We just moved to Ann Arbor a few months ago so we aren't super-involved with homeschooling groups, but there is a fantastic unschooling group that meets weekly that we go to, and there are some preteens/teens in the group. I have to admit though, I am worried about how BIL would fit in-- the kids seem pretty sheltered, as of course homeschoolers in a small, affluent town tend to be, and BIL has lived his whole life in inner city public schools, with uncensored media (movies, TV, video games, music, internet). I think he would adjust but I don't want anyone to see him as a bad influence.
My kids LOVE their uncle and they all get along wonderfully, of course we've never been in the same house for more than a few days at a time. My partner has fond memories of spending time with his younger brother (the middle brother who's 19 now) and they have the same age difference, to the month, as BIL and my oldest son.
I'm very excited about the idea and I really hope it works out for us. Thanks for the encouragement! I'm sure that I'll be in this forum a lot from now on!

[Openskyheart]

Sounds like you have all the bases covered - as much as possible in this situation. . Keep us posted!

[saimeiyu]

I have a kind of similar situation... I'm the 2nd of 12 kids and one of my younger brothers came to live with me almost two years ago, at 16...
My family had moved to GA when we were younger, and my parents bought a house that was just on the wrong side of the district line, so my bro was the only white kid in his class... let's just say the class wasn't welcoming and he's been scarred since then... He didn't do so well at my parents house (stopped going to school, completely, fell into a deep depression, lived in his closet (literally--not kidding) and only came out in the middle of the night for toast. I kid you not, the boy was living in a closet and eating nothing but toast for three months, and my parents tried everything they could, but just couldn't do anything)... so we (dh, roommate, and i) talked to him and we flew him to Hawaii, where we live.
Two years later he actually realizes when he's hungry, is going to high school, even had a couple of girlfriends, and is trying to get a job. There's hope! (now if only I can get him to take ALL of his classes as seriously as he takes French and Ceramics!)
In my brother's case we couldn't homeschool 'cause my dh and i were active duty... but honestly, i wish i could have. I'd have a whole lot less "But English is stupid and I'm only failing because the stupid vocabulary exercises suck and are for retards" kind of junk.

All that is just a long way to say, if the kid is willing, you should totally go for homeschooling-- who knows. he may do WAY better at unschooling than you might think!