DECEMBER dating thread!!! - Page 9

[BelovedK]

[QUOTE=incorrigible;10106229Don't even ask how I ended up w xh.)[/QUOTE]
so, how did you end up with xh ?

[incorrigible]

.

[BelovedK]

That's very sad. I am glad you are now free

[Zeta]

incorrigible, that is a sad story.




I was thinking we should exchange stories about how we met our x and in retrospect what we can tell others what the red flags were, ie., about how to avoid such men! Mine seemed absolutely perfect, but had a double life... even now I find it hard to spot the red flags that were present way back when, which makes me uneasy about this return to dating. My current sweetie seems perfect, too, which now has turned into a scary omen!

[Spring Sun]

Originally Posted by Zeta

I was thinking we should exchange stories about how we met our x and in retrospect what we can tell others what the red flags were, ie., about how to avoid such men! Mine seemed absolutely perfect, but had a double life... even now I find it hard to spot the red flags that were present way back when, which makes me uneasy about this return to dating. My current sweetie seems perfect, too, which now has turned into a scary omen!

That sounds excellent. You should start a thread on that. I will post. It sounds like a lot of us are afraid of falling in love because we now feel, in retrospect, we were naive and fell in love too fast with our ex's and it did not turn out the way we thought it would.

My problem is that I get too hung up on that, and need to let it go. I am def in love now. Happy. I don't need to marry this guy, don't need to live with him. Don't need to even think about that at all right now. Just be with him, his beautiful son, and my beautiful son and just enjoy it.

I think my biggest problem with projecting into the future (honestly) comes at "certain" times of the month. Where every cell in my body is begging me to have a baby. Then I start to freak out and think this guy has to be "the one" or else I am wasting my prescious time. I am 28, I think I have some time left, especially since I have already had a baby.

And to everyone one here that is obsessing over a new bf, I think that is totally normal. I struggled against that feeling at first, too. But a friend just reminded me to stay aware of those thoughts, not to try to get rid of them. Because they are honestly pretty enjoyable thoughts to think. Just don't act on them (ie go too fast).

Things are well here. I spent xmas eve and xmas all day with exdh. We had a good time, got along well. Ds did not seem especially happy that we were together, so that was a relief. He was just his usual, happy self (we have both done attachment parenting with him, so he did well through the divorce).

Exdh did tell me again though that he loves me and respects me and expressed an interest in us working it out. Of course. I begged him for like 8 months on and off to get back together. Then, when he knew (about 3 months ago) that I was falling in love with SO, he told me he was in love with me and thought we should work things out.

WTF?

I am so glad he has decided all this after I fell in love with someone else. It has safeguarded me from getting back together with someone who cheated on me on our honeymoon, then again while I was pregnant, then left us four days before Christmas, who never respected me or really loved me.

But, in all honesty, I do love him. My son is half him. And who is better than my son? And there are many good reasons I fell in love with him in the first place. AND he has done a lot of therapy, meditation, and work on himself this year.

However, I just spent the last two days at SO's house and just noticed how good we are together, and how he challenges me but loves me at the same time. How we like the same things and how he actually likes who I am and respects me.

So, as of now, no contest.

I just put up new pictures on Elijah's blog of the boys together. Tell me that they don't look like brothers? Wherever we go people just assume that they are and often comment on how they look alike after I tell them they are not. They have so much fun (and bickering) together, though, just like 5 year old and 2 1/2 year old brothers would.

[robinchap1]

Yes!!! I would post on that thread too, Zeta. I think about that a lot. It's so easy to blame the demise of our marriage on ex. He cheated, lied, turned into someone else, etc. But I am the one who chose to marry him. I am the one who didn't see the warning signs. And, quite honestly, who didn't see that he wasn't "it" for me anyway. Why? How? How do I not repeat this... I end up doing illogical things like, oh... this guy is a football fan and ex is a football fan so this guy must not be for me!?! Which I know makes no sense. I'm taking the real stuff (maybe because I haven't identified what all of that real stuff is) and pinning it all on some silly little thing.

It would be interesting to explore and try to look back and see the warning signs we all missed... I can easily see how if I were to become involved with someone I would be constantly questioning everything...

Anyway... 2nd date tomorrow night for me. And once again... NOTHING TO WEAR!!! I'm feeling stressed about leaving DS. He had a rough Xmas and I have to work a lot over the next few days. But I am so excited to see this guy again. I'm finding the email/phone stuff can really fuel my insecurity. When did I become SO insecure in myself? I'm realizing how much being cheated on, and all of the rotten things ex said in order to justify his cheating have affected me. We've had some great conversations. He seems to be a very reflective person. And he talks about his ex, his divorce... in a good way... not a hung up kind of way... I like that. It's there, you know? And if you're co-parenting, which we both are, you are dealing with that stuff on a daily basis. And he never says anything unkind about his ex (who left him).

But it's TOTALLY INSANE how easily I can become convinced that he doesn't like me. It's tough... our phone conversations are always interrupted by DS who needs help going back to sleep. He seems so patient with that, though.

Did I mention that I have a crater growing on my chin? Why now?!

Ok... dinner and possibly live music at a bar (if DS is doing ok with my mom). Any clothing advice?

I'm really hoping for more kissing. I really liked the kissing. I have to say, it was up there as possibly the best or one of the best 1st kisses.

I hope I'm not building this up into something it's not.

Thanks for listening to the ramble.

SPring Sun: SOunds like you are making the healthy choice. SOme men just want what they can't have...

[shadeshaman]

new to "mothering", but old hat at single momdom

Here's my Xmas dating story from this very week:

I've been seeing a guy off and on for about four months, and I thought he was pretty cool, if a little scattered. Well, he stood me up for a date at 924 Gilman about three weeks ago, and I fired off a letter and told him that he needed to look at how he runs his life, KWIM?
So, he showed up on Sunday, all contrite, with XMas presents for my kids and me, and we had a good talk, and I thought we'd worked things out. He said he was going to come over on Xmas eve, and we'd all go to a party at the Rock, Paper, Scissors collective. He calls me on Monday, at the time when he's supposed to be at my house, and says that some friends showed up, so he's going to be a couple of hours late. I remind him that he's supposed to be with me and my kids, and we're going to this fun, cool party. He says that he's going to wiggle out of the stuff at his house, and he'll call me back in ten minutes.......NOT! Not a call, nothing, all night. He doesn't have a cell phone, so I have no way to get ahold of him. I go to bed all right, but wake up at 5 am on Xmas, so mad that I'm pretty much sleepwalking around the house, looking for a piece of paper and a marker (friggin' kids, why do they not put things back where they belong) so I can write F U and put it on his windshield, when my 16 year old says, "What are you doing?"
And I look at her darling face, and I just don't care about the stupid boyfriend any more, and i climb in bed with her.
So, we get up and do the Xmas gift-giving thing (my house mate gave me a Chia pet, how awesome is that?), and go see "Sweeney Todd"--wouldn't recommend it, and hang out for a while and play with our new cell phones. Then my 16 yer old does some cooking, and we get invited to a neighbor's house for food and TV, and 16 is going to her boyfriend's....and who should show up, unannounced?
24 hours late?
With his brother (whom I never met)?

WTF?

And, my younger daughter (13) and I are practically out the door, so I call my neighbor to see if there's room for two more, when my 13 year old blows a gasket, and is like, "Ohhh---Uh-uh! Why does HE have to be here? Now I'm going to be angry all night." and I think, "She's right."
So I make him apologize to her, TWICE, and I say to him, amongst other choice words, "I'm not your whore, this is not a restaurant, this is not a hotel, you can't jst show up whenever you want and expect me to take care of you. This is my home, this is my family, this is MY Xmas, it's not just for you!"
And then I told him that if he ever wanted to see me again, he had to buy a cell phone, and he had to call and ask permission to come over.
Then I kicked him out.

Then 16 went to her boyfriend's house, and 13 and I went to our neighbor's and had Turkey and watched Elf.

And that is my Xmas dating story.

[Still_Snarky]

finally got to celebrate the holidays with d. he got me a really cool dream interpretation book and a vera wang princess perfume set. i collect perfume bottles and glass hearts. it was both. : he's not the gushy romantic type so picturing him at macy's sniffing perfumes was half the pleasure of the gift.

unfortunately our celebrating was interrupted by the awful phone call from bk. he earned his keep again by shoving the kids out of the room while i raged like a madwoman, then comforted me afterwords and provided the tough love i need in order to stick by my guns. the fact that he's sticking around through all this crap says something about him. i'm feeling very content with him. and content is fine by me.

[ian'smommaya]

hey there shadesshaman. i just wanted to say hi. i didnt get past 924 gilamn street in reading your post. i used to live in oakland when i was a kid. one of my idiot ex boyfriends (arent they all?) worked there forever. for. ever.
i volunteered there for like two? years!

um hi. okay off to read your post.

[ian'smommaya]

Originally Posted by shadeshaman

So I make him apologize to her, TWICE, and I say to him, amongst other choice words, "I'm not your whore, this is not a restaurant, this is not a hotel, you can't jst show up whenever you want and expect me to take care of you. This is my home, this is my family, this is MY Xmas, it's not just for you!"
And then I told him that if he ever wanted to see me again, he had to buy a cell phone, and he had to call and ask permission to come over.
Then I kicked him out.

Then 16 went to her boyfriend's house, and 13 and I went to our neighbor's and had Turkey and watched Elf.

And that is my Xmas dating story.

you are a rockstar. seriously. a rockstar. and your potty mouth is gonna get you spanked here at mdc.

[shadeshaman]

Originally Posted by ian'smommaya

you are a rockstar. seriously. a rockstar. and your potty mouth is gonna get you spanked here at mdc.

My bad. I didn't actually say "wh*re"; I said the equiv. in Spanish (which had more impact with him, as he's a native Spanish speaker).
Sorry about the potty mouth.

[ian'smommaya]

it didnt offened me at all. i have to check everything i write on hear for swearing or other godless heathen type stuff. i was just letting you know so you dont go on the dissapeared list.

[Zeta]

shadeshaman what a great story!!! I am so glad it ended with you kicking his a$$ out. I am proud of you.





In other news, I seem to have an official boyfriend, he says he's in love with me, I feel the same, and we had fun tonight. Twice.

[Holland73]

Sad Endings...New Beginnings

After almost 2 years together, I have come to the realization that there is no future for us.

The majority, about 85%, of our relationship has been long distance. He tried to find something local (Bay area), but couldn't find anything. Out of financial necessity, he accepted an independent contractor position (he is National Guard), but the position is located in Arizona. Additionally, it is looking as though he will be deploying to Kosovo in the next few months, for approx. a year.

Honestly, it is never-ending. There is just no permanency, in regards to location, in his life.

I am newly settled, with ds, in the Bay area (Oakland) with my dream teaching job. I didn't move down here for him, his homebase is Alameda, but we did both have hopes that it would be easier for him to find something permanent here. He tried...he tried really hard.

I love him. He loves me. Ds loves him also. But, I have come to realize that 'love' is not enough. I want someone who is physically present.

I am not sure what will happen with our relationship now. we are both finding it hard to drop each other completely...no contact, no nothing. I am not even sure that is necessary...is it?

I feel like I need time to lick my wounds before starting to date again. And I am not really wanting to date right now.

Oh man...what do I (we) do? :

[shadeshaman]

Originally Posted by Zeta

shadeshaman what a great story!!! I am so glad it ended with you kicking his a$$ out. I am proud of you.





In other news, I seem to have an official boyfriend, he says he's in love with me, I feel the same, and we had fun tonight. Twice.

Bow-chicka-bow-wow!


PS Thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm feeling pretty sad right now.

[Medusa]

Holland, I'm so sorry.

[Zeta]

Hi Holland, I am so sorry. It sounds like you are feeling so torn. And sad. Is it truly unavoidable, the lack of physical permanence? The reason I ask is that sometimes it seems like the relationship is perfect, it's just that there's "x" -- some outside element ruining it, but upon closer inspection, the way "x" is manifesting is sort of a symptom of something off in the person or the relationship.

Originally Posted by Holland73

I am not sure what will happen with our relationship now. we are both finding it hard to drop each other completely...no contact, no nothing. I am not even sure that is necessary...is it?

I believe that you will gain clarity on this as you feel your way through. You will begin to notice how different levels of contact make you feel, eg., if you get your hopes raised, or find you are still hooked or something. The main thing, it sounds like, is to clear a space for you to heal and move on emotionally. As time goes on you will be more and more clear about how contact with him fits into that aim.

In the meantime it sounds really rough.

[Zeta]

Originally Posted by shadeshaman

Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

Thanks!

Originally Posted by shadeshaman

PS Thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm feeling pretty sad right now.

I ran across a quote that I've posted here before: You will always get what you are willing to settle for. Standing up for yourself makes room for something much better, whether it is with him or someone else. That's why I was so happy for you and saw your story as an uplifting one, even though I know it's also a sad/ aggravating/ lonely story, too at the moment. You are taking a stand for yourself, and the universe is taking note.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Zeta

The reason I ask is that sometimes it seems like the relationship is perfect, it's just that there's "x" -- some outside element ruining it, but upon closer inspection, the way "x" is manifesting is sort of a symptom of something off in the person or the relationship.

You are very insightful, Zeta.

Our relationship is definitely not perfect and there have been issues building for the past few months.

Unfortunately, due to the distance, it is just too difficult to work through these problems. If he were here, or vice versa, I know, for a fact, we could work through these problems. Some good ol' fashion couple's therapy would be wonderfully beneficial for both of us, but couple's therapy requires two participants.

Originally Posted by Zeta

I believe that you will gain clarity on this as you feel your way through. You will begin to notice how different levels of contact make you feel, eg., if you get your hopes raised, or find you are still hooked or something. The main thing, it sounds like, is to clear a space for you to heal and move on emotionally. As time goes on you will be more and more clear about how contact with him fits into that aim.

Again...what wonderful insight. AND...you are absolutely correct.

Thank you, Zeta.

[Areannasmom]

I havent read all the post's in here, but i figured this was the place to post--- i took the plunge and signed up on match. holy scary to be putting myself out there like that, but its so flipping hard to meet new people (i'm sure i dont need to explain any futher on that point in this group )
anyway- just wanted to share with someone