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Last Name of New Baby - Page 2

Poll Results: Who's last name should the baby have?

Poll expired: Dec 9, 2007  
  • 20% (6)
    Mine (the name that the baby's mother and sister share)
  • 55% (16)
    His (the baby's father)
  • 24% (7)
    Hyphenate it (despite the two names being complicated to say and spell)
29 Total Votes  
post #21 of 32
Originally Posted by *Melissa* View Post
If you hyphenated your name to "Mrs. NAME1-NAME2"

then it might not be so much of a problem of having
CHILD NAME1 (so she wouldn't have to change it)
CHILD NAME2 (so he'd share a name with his dad)

After all, you'd all share a name somewhere in there.
And your DH would get his way as well.

Honestly, if I were your DH, I wouldn't want my DS to share a name with your ex-husband either.

It might be a little of pain for your name since you're used to it, but if it's easier on your children, then why not the little extra effort?
post #22 of 32
Originally Posted by *Melissa* View Post
But you're not just welcoming him into *your* family, you're also creating a family *with* him.
And your DH probably wants to feel connected as well.

I can understand that name is super important to you. I guess if you're unwilling to budge, you have to decide if where you stand on the name thing is more important than compromising. I don't mean to sound judgmental, honestly, I stand firm on a lot of my beliefs too - but some of them come at a price. You have to be willing to pay them. Some battles are worth it, some are not.

Besides hyphenating your name, I wouldn't know what other option you have.

I understand the discussion your having on this issue OP. My dd and I have the same
last name, it's my last name, not my ex's. BUT my dd has my last name because he
and I agreed on it.

I understand that you don't want your children having different last names, but leaving
dad's name out completely, when he wants his child to have his last name, I don't see
how that is fair.

Personally (just my opinion) I wouldn't want to start a marriage out ignoring the father's
feelings on this. I think his personal feelings on his child's last name trumps your feelings
that your children have the same last name. So hyphenating names seems to be the only
post #23 of 32
Put yourself in his shoes - and you'll have your answer?..

How would you feel if he shared a last name with his child from a previous marriage, and planned on giving your child together his last name as well, wouldn't you feel hurt and left out?..
post #24 of 32
If it were his name vs. your maiden name - i.e. the names you were both born with - I could see this being a conflict.

But expecting someone to be OK with giving his child your previous partner's family name? Come on, how is that even a question? :
post #25 of 32
Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel View Post
But expecting someone to be OK with giving his child your previous partner's family name? Come on, how is that even a question? :
I totally agree. There's no way in you-know-where I would give one of MY children my husband's ex's last name.

It sounds like there is maybe more going on than just a question of what last name to give the baby... I started to talk about this more fully, but I got upset about the whole thing. The baby is as much your fiance's baby as yours... I will leave it at that.
post #26 of 32
For my son we just did two last names not hyphenated, we can use or not use and he when he is older can use or not use them as he chooses but since we have different last names, his brother (my stepson) has my husband's last name and I insisted he have my name as well this was how we did it.
post #27 of 32
Originally Posted by Christian_mom View Post
I guess I feel like my fiance will be an extension of my family.

I'm not sure how to word this is the correct way so that everyone understands... I guess the best way to to explain this is that I was already established when I met him. That is I already have a child, own a home, a car and have otherwise made a name for myself and my daughter around town, if that makes any sense.

I guess it's like he is joining our household and becoming a welcomed extension of my family- one that was there prior to him.

I'm not sure if I said that correctly. But I just feel like my family should have my name.

IMO a name is a very important part of a family. It's one of the few things that identifies that we are connected somehow.
Bolding is mine.

This is the main reason DF and his ex did not work out. They had a very similar situation to yours. She had two daughters. She and DF had a baby. She and daughter #2 (Elizabeth in my siggie) had her ex's last name. My stepdaughter has a hyphenated name DF's and her mom's ex (who died a couple of years ago, strangely enough).

It bothers DF to no end that half his daughter's last name is the name of a dead guy who refused to pay CS amongst other crappy things while he was alive.

The name issue is just a symptom of a bigger problem. DF and DSD's mom did not work out because they did not form a family together. He felt like he was joining hers, and that really was not good enough for him. He felt like an addition. He felt like he had to make himself fit her life. He didn't fit, she wasn't willing to change things to make the family equally his, so they parted ways.

DF and I are picking a new name when we get married, and we will both change our names and DS's (and in theory "his" half of DSD's) to that. To us, having the same name will make us feel like family (not that we don't, but it is a more tangible representation to the outside world), but I didn't feel that I should just up and change my name to his simply because I have a vagina. It also represents the culmination of a couple of years of hard work blending our family. It is just within the last several months that we have started functioning as one family unit instead of two. We want to celebrate that. But what works for our family won't necessarily work for another.
post #28 of 32
This was a sore subject for DP and I as well. I wanted him to take my and DS's name which is my maiden name. DP wanted me to take his name. When DS2 was born we both wanted him to have our respective last names. I felt the same way you did. Everyone knows me by my last name (it is very distinctive) and DS1 had my last name. I truly wanted to change all of our last names to the same thing but DP was very admit about keeping his last name the same. Sigh. We finally agreed to trade. DS2 has his last name. The next child will have my last name we will trade from then on.

Now its equal. 2 people have DP's last name and 2 people have my last name. It was the only way it worked for us.

Good luck!
post #29 of 32
Originally Posted by IndigoRayne View Post
I would go with the fiance's name. I would understand your fiance not wanting his child with you to have your ex-husband's lastname.

Me, too. Or change your name and your dd's name to your maiden name, and make the new baby's name your maiden name as well. I don't know how your fiance would feel about his baby having your ex-husbands last name.
post #30 of 32
Thread Starter 

In reply and thanks!

Originally Posted by GooeyRN View Post
Me, too. Or change your name and your dd's name to your maiden name, and make the new baby's name your maiden name as well.
In my state, changing a child's name (who btw doesn't want to change her name) is a huge legal ordeal in which a wait is required followed by a court date where the judge would have to find it in the best interest of the child to change names. It would also require my ex husband agreeing to it, which he probably would but I'm not sure since this is an older child we're talking about.

I've talked to my lawyer about this and he feels strongly that the judge won't feel it's in my daughter's best interest not to mention she doesn't want to change her name. This would be applicable to hyphenate her name as well so her name really must stay as it is.

When I divorced I specifically told the court I wanted to keep my name so I would have to get a court order to revert to my maiden name which would also take time and money and really be pointless since my daughter wouldn't have that name either.

~ ~ ~

Thanks everyone for voting and for your replies. While there were one's I didn't want to hear, I did think about each and every post and why it was posted (putting myself in someone else's shoes).

I've decided to leave this decision up to my fiance. I figure he can give our son either a first or last name and I'd choose the other. His choice as to which one.

It's a win-win situation since I really don't like the first name he chose

As for myself and my daughter, we will remain with our name.

Thanks again!
post #31 of 32
I am fully behind matriarchal naming;
post #32 of 32
I gave my DD the last name of my fiance, and I completely understand what you're saying about needing/wanting to have the same last name as your child. DP & I are slowly moving towards marriage, and after we're married, we'll all have the same last name. I considered giving DD my name until after we were married, but then I thought about two things: 1). how hurt my DP would be that his child wouldn't carry his name; and 2). all the paperwork I would have to go through to change both our names.

I have also heard of what one of the pp suggested: creating a new family name for everyone. I have known people who have done this, and the new family name that they chose was a group effort and the name ended up having a very special meaning for them all. Maybe that will be an option for your family as well.

Best of luck to you, OP.
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