Home birth...my role?

[Vadalis]

With my "X" I experienced a C-Section with both kids. With my DF we have decided to do a homebirth. First off I have never experienced a birth when the baby followed the yellow brick road. Second it is a homebirth with a mid-wife, no doula as of right now.

I wanted to ask if anyone who has been through could provide me some advice on making sure all her needs are met during the birth, while experiencing it as the father, and knowing what/when to do something? What are some small signs to pick up on that I might notice she needs something or wants somethign done?

[somasoul]

Originally Posted by Vadalis

With my "X" I experienced a C-Section with both kids. With my DF we have decided to do a homebirth. First off I have never experienced a birth when the baby followed the yellow brick road. Second it is a homebirth with a mid-wife, no doula as of right now.

I wanted to ask if anyone who has been through could provide me some advice on making sure all her needs are met during the birth, while experiencing it as the father, and knowing what/when to do something? What are some small signs to pick up on that I might notice she needs something or wants somethign done?

I've birthed two children in a birth center with midwives (very homelike) and one in the house.

First, your fiancee (I refuse to use DF, DD, DA etc, etc) will probably ask you for whatever she wants. My wife always bossed me around. "MASSAGE MY FEET!!!", "Let's take a walk!!", "GET ME SOME WATER!!!", etc, etc.

Mid-wives know what's up. You'll probably hold your fiancee's hand and talk calmly to her. That's the big thing. And do whatever she likes. Once the baby is born change the diapers and stuff until she can get back on her feet.

[simple living mama]

It helped knowing my husband was near and I can count on him to help me when I needed it. Mostly he was quiet and I would say, "OK, I need you to rub my lower back now" and he would be on it. He was so great and when I think back 10 years ago now, I always think of it like "we" birthed the baby together.

He just stayed calm, kept the house warm, kept the birthing pool warm, kept drinking water near me and massaged my back during those painful contractions.

He got in a kind of zen like state along with me. We were both really quiet but smiled at each other a lot. He read the book "Spiritual midwifery" ahead of time so I think that book helped him be in a really good state when it was time.

[Juvysen]

The book "the Birth partner" is a good one on this topic.

[JustKiya]

Honestly, you most likely shouldn't be asking us, you should be asking HER. Each woman wants something different from her man when she's birthing - she might want you right by her side, she might want you in another room so she can focus and will call you in. She might put together a list of things she wants you do to, or she might just go with the flow of birth.... sit down and talk to her about how she envisions the birth going, and what role(s) you can take on to make that vision a reality...

Good luck and Congrats!

[mamabeca]

You are asking all the right quesitons, but my dh says "you're outta luck pal" 'cause every woman is so different, every birth so unique. You love her? You know her? Be open to her changing moods, open to listening to whether she is needing you to touch her or not touch her, etc. Be sure to push fluids (dehydration is an ugly factor in transfer to hospital), but otherwise, just be willing to listen and stay near. being a daddy isn't always easy papa, but you seem in tune and switched on, I am sure it will be an AMAZING experience for all of you!

More from dh:

your job is to not take anything personally, not get pissed off/frustrated, try to avoid thinking about yourself. That's it. He says if you can do that, you'll all be fine.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by simple living mama

He just stayed calm, kept the house warm, kept the birthing pool warm, kept drinking water near me and massaged my back during those painful contractions.

My dh did these things too. He also made coffee and snacks for the midwife, found supplies, held me up, and cracked lots and lots of jokes, which was nice, I thought.

He's working on copyrighting a term for guys like you and him: "The Middle Man". I think he's onto something, he could have trainings, books, t-shirts, etc.

[janellesmommy]

Originally Posted by mamabeca

your job is to not take anything personally, not get pissed off/frustrated, try to avoid thinking about yourself.

: She may boss you around. Do what she says!!! Quickly and without complaint.

[Juvysen]

oh! one other thing... she'll likely have all the birth supplies and towels and everything stashed someplace... make it your business to know where EVERYTHING is. That'll make it easier for her to not have to point people in the right direction while she's off in labor-land. Obviously the midwife's phone number is important, but also know where the menstrual pads are (yes, she may need them... some women have a lot of leakage), know where the "mess-up-able" towels are - at least which ones she wants used, know where the ice packs are for afterward (especially if this is her first baby!!), know where the tucks pads are. Know who's gonna show up if you call 911... is it a city (i.e. professional) ambulance, or is it volunteer? You get to be the detail man. Make it your business to be the one that takes care of everything beside the actual labor part. If she feels that you have that stuff taken care of, she can labor more peacefully instead of worrying that everything is taken care of.

[harmonymama]

Take a birth class together! Its such a great bonding time, and gives you a space to process all these questions as a couple. I'd recommend Bradley or Birthing from Within. You can find them in nearly every city.

[SaraGriffin]

If she has any books you can read, that would be a good idea. I wanted to do husband-coached childbirth but my husband refused to read the book! Well, not out-and-out refusal but he put it off until it was too late.(Making it impossible to use, lol.) Still, he was a good help by keeping little bites of fruit and protein bars around and sipping me watered-down Gatorade between contrax.
I especially loved when I was leaning back against the soft wall of the birth tub and he rubbed my forehead. It was so soothing. When I was hands-and-knees against the water tub he knelt on the other (dry) side and we were cheek-to-cheek with me holding his forearms. We have a really cute picture of that
Just be there, and love her. And don't talk too much Keep the lights dim and all the above advice, too. Good luck.

[Vadalis]

I just want to say thanks so much for all the good information!!!

[holyhelianthus]

DO WHATEVER YOUR PARTNER NEEDS!!! my DH betrayed me in this respect. he followed the MWs lead instead of being there for me in what was a traumatic and long experience. our relationship has greatly suffered and i am wondering if i really want to spend forever with him. i feel broken and unfixable. i tell you this because i so don't want my issues to repeat in anyone else's relationship ever. be there for her. defend her if needs be (yes, even MWs can overstep and be bullies), always reassure her, and do whatever the hell she wants. if she wants you to stand on your head and make animal noises so she can have a laugh DO IT! although i doubt she'll be in the mood for laughter.

i also agree with the PPs talk this all through with her over and over before the birth day.

you're a great man for even asking this.

[Datura]

I wanted to chime in with something similar to a PP (sorry to hear about that stress with your DH and MW, btw, PP ). Anyhow, know *her* birth plan and do everything possible to defend it. Know what Plan A AND Plan B are. Be her advocate, her knight in shining armor. If it all hits the fan and you are in the unlikely situation of being in the hospital, its you that needs to defend her wishes.

And don't take it personally, as others have said. My poor husband was helping me through a contraction and I clamped down on his neck and head, crushing his glasses into his face, giving him a black eye. All the newborn photos have my poor DH with totally crooked glasses and a shiner. I was in such a state that I didn't notice the squawking and struggling at the time. I was also an all fired b*tch during transition, which I feel bad about. We don't mean to be evil but we can be during labor

[PiesandAbrosmama]

My guy is the best doula a mama could ask for! He is with me the whole time, focused and asking what he can do and also just doing without needing to be told you know? Be the loving man she already know's and also don't be afraid to ask her or the midwife what you can do. O and don't unplug with books/t.v/movies it's a special time

[dianna11]

Originally Posted by natensarah

My dh did these things too. He also made coffee and snacks for the midwife, found supplies, held me up, and cracked lots and lots of jokes, which was nice, I thought.

:

My husband was making me laugh during some pretty hard contractions, it was great! Then again, that's not what all women want, but I found that keeping things light and calm and trying not to take anything personally was fantastic.

But yeah - ask her

[velcromom]

Originally Posted by Datura

I wanted to chime in with something similar to a PP (sorry to hear about that stress with your DH and MW, btw, PP ). Anyhow, know *her* birth plan and do everything possible to defend it. Know what Plan A AND Plan B are. Be her advocate, her knight in shining armor. If it all hits the fan and you are in the unlikely situation of being in the hospital, its you that needs to defend her wishes.

Yes. Know that a woman in labor is often very suggestible, she may need to be reminded that she wanted x or didn't want y when someone else may be pushing her to do something in a way she has told you she doesn't want. This is important not just if you end up at the hospital but if the midwife starts pushing for choices your partner isn't in agreement with. Try to discuss her choices with the mw and be clear about it before labor starts, but know that you are her guardian to help her realize them.

[EdnaMarie]

I think everyone is different but for me, it was do everything I ask and don't say anything. My husband was so there for me I felt like we birthed the baby together. He was my tree.

What are some small signs to pick up on that I might notice she needs something or wants somethign done?

All my signs were big ones. I did whatever I wanted, and DH had to follow. The midwives helped a lot. Don't make any suggestions, I would say, except to the doctors if you need to defend your partner's decisions. Let her initiate everything. Listen. Remain calm.

My husband was making me laugh during some pretty hard contractions

My DH tried to joke some but I was in my own world and didn't get it. It was a distraction. Dianna, we have the same avatar!!! Well, almost.

Good luck!

[wendy1221]

I think the biggies have all been covered. Just be there for HER, and don't take any bitchiness or shortness personally. She is working really really hard and doesn't have any extra energy to waste being nice and polite. Dh says to keep her fed and watered and not wait till she asks for food or water. Try things b/c there's no way to read her and know what/when she wants. SHE probably doesn't know what or when she wants something, so how would you be expected to? You just have to try things and see if she likes it. If she hates it, try again later.

And up until the pushing stage, I didn't want ANYONE touching me at all sometimes and others I really liked the lower back massage dh gave me. And until he touched me, even *I* didn't know which way it was going to go. But definitely don't talk to her/ask questions/touch her belly while she's having a contraction. Wait until it's over. Lower back massage or counterpressure can feel nice during a contraction, though. Once I reached the pushing stage, dh climbed into the tub with me and became my big furry man chair and it was the best thing ever. Seriously. He braced his arms on the side of the tub (we had a huge Aquadoula birthing tub) for me to hang onto while squatting while I pushed, and between the contractions, I relaxed back into him and it was wonderful. I think that was my dh's best role in my 3rd birth. My mw and sister were present and they took care of feeding me and giving me drinks most of the time, but for physical support, dh was the best and it wouldn't have been the same without him.

[eatveggies]

Help her as much as possible. I simply just wanted him to hold my hand.