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Depression or just normal upset due to situations?

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
DD is 4 weeks old.

Right before she was born DH got kidney stones and missed a lot of work, this really impacted our finances. In fact we were really on the brink money-wise the whole pregnancy...due to illnesses WRT DH.

Right after Aldria was born, DH took a week off work and then we discovered that the money we were counting on was not coming, causing more financial stress.

Then just a week ago we learned DH's wages were being garnished (we're contesting it) due to a medical bill. Thats causing MORE financial stress.

Then a week ago (tomorrow) DH was diagnosed with pneumonia and bronchitis meaning that he's missed more work (Tues, Wed, Thurs, Mon, and poss tomorrow) largely unpaid (MORE $$$ STRESS!!)...and he's been pretty much useless since Thanksgiving. Meaning I've done 100% of the care of our 3 y/o and the newborn. I'm running on zero sleep.

My DS is sick...has been since Thanksgiving. My DD got sick this weekend so she's sick now. I'm not feeling 100%, I'm not sleeping because the kids aren't sleeping. DH is no help with anything. I'm trying to keep everything from falling down on our heads...keeping up on the housework, keeping up on taking care of the kids, taking care of DH and trying to take care of myself (and failing on that point).

I'm stressed about money, I'm burned out from doing it ALL with zero help, I'm stressing out due to family issues. I just feel so blah and I want to run away. I feel like a worthless wife because I'm pissed at DH for not helping me with the kids, I'm annoyed with everyone else for not helping me and just harping on me about how sick DH is and how he needs me and how it's MY job to take care of my family and G'D'it I should just buck up and do my d**m job. :

Any advice???

I don't go to the m/w for my PP check up until the 12th.
post #2 of 19

You are dealing with a lot, mama! You may not really know if it's depression until things calm down...so for now you really need to take care of yourself.
Can someone come be with you to hold your new dd or sit with your ds while you just rest??
If you are a caffeine drinker, could you cut way, way back and replace that with water?
Is there any way you could get out to walk or some other form of exercise with or w/o kids?
I would say, just from your post, and from my years of experience with depression (NOT a professional, here...) that you could very well be in a pretty bad bout of depression. Your last major paragraph has several 'red flags'.
Can you get in early to see a doc? They should be able to get you in on an emergency basis--especially if you mention possible depression.

I'll be thinking about you.
Update when you can!

Peace,
Darcy
post #3 of 19
Thread Starter 
No, no one to help. My mom is in school and DH's mom is immunocompressed (Rheumatoid arthritus) and my grandma's are both elderly with heat problems so I don't want to risk getting them sick...

I'm kinda hyper dosing on caffine to stay awake since I'm only getting 2-4 hours of sleep.

I could try to get into my m/w earlier, but I doubt it because I have no care for DS when DH goes back to work, and DS is completely petrified of doctors/hospitals so he'd scream the whole time through the appt.

It's all so overwhelming right now.

I feel like crap because I'm snippy with James because I'll just sit down to feed the baby and then he demands a sippy and I can't ask DH without him throwing a tantrum (ie "**huge sigh** ***hacking cough*** *grab the arm of the sofa for support* I *cough* just got to sleep *cough cough*" *moan* "I think I'm going to die, I've lost 15lbs in a week. *cough cough cough*"

It's not worth the drama...

So then I ask James to wait just a second and he pitches a fit (he doesn't feel well, his understanding is nil) and then I snap and tell him to chill out and go sit down and I'll get his flipping sippy cup when I can, but he's just going to have to wait...and of course rather than attempting to explain this nicely (again) I just scream at him (again)

I haven't quite mastered filling a sippy and getting the lid on one handed...or else you can replace sippy for oatmeal, or soup or PB&J
post #4 of 19
You're going through so much right now! s: A little depression is normal through times of stress, but I'd wait and monitor it - unless you have a history of depression, in which case it might be prudent to get early help.

I know that being in stressful situations and feeling unsupported can lead to PPD - it led to mine. I was virtually alone with DS from 2 weeks on, with no one stopping by and no friends, DH gone 60-70 hours a week. There was a long illness in a family member followed by her death, family disputes, big upheavals, financial distress - it was horrible. I think for me personally, I could have handled all the stressors if I just had some support - it really made all the difference.

I suffered from PPD to the point where it was almost debilitating. Having support makes the difference, so make that a priority however you can!

If you have no one to support you through all this, can you spare a few dollars for a mother's helper a few times a week? I pay mine $5 an hour, and those 3 hours are a huge blessing for me! If not, can you find another mom nearby (check out your tribe) and see if you can switch off some baby care for a few hours a week?

Sleep can make a world of difference in handling stress. If you can get a few hours of sleep in, do it - let everything else fall aside (laundry, dishes, etc). No sleep is torturous and can change your whole personality.

I am pregnant with #2 and I am already preparing to not have anyone around to help. I'm saving for a postpartum doula and interviewing mothers helpers so that I can have time to chill, sleep and bond with my new baby.

If you lived nearby, I would definitely take your babe for a few hours to let you get some time to rest & refocus! Monitor your situation, keep eating as well as you can with a babe - keep up your omegas, and if you feel like it's too much to handle, or if you lose your joy - don't hesitate to see someone!
post #5 of 19
Honestly, with all that going on, I think you're allowed to feel sorry for yourself. Its an oddity of our particular culture/time that we seem to think that we have to feel happy all the time. You're going through a rough period, it sucks. But its ok to hurt. I'd say acknowledge the way you feel, accept that it has a function and keep doing the amazing job that you're doing. Wondering whether or not you're depressed is just going to add to the stress (which you don't need!).

After years of dealing with depression (dysthymia, if you want to be overtly technical) and bouts of major depression periods (spiced up with some anxiety and PTSD), I've learned that it does pass (at least in my case). Worrying about it made it worse. The really serious MDD episodes are the ones in which I can't experience pleasure (anhedonia), which is my sign that I need to be really gentle with myself and cut myself some slack. (If you're getting that, suicidal ideation or any hallucinations from sleep deprivation, then you probably do need to be assessed.)

On the other hand, one of the most liberating things anyone has ever done for me is acknowledge the fact that I have a right to feel like crap sometimes; that its ok. You just had a baby, your poor body is completely out of whack now and you're not getting the rest you need. I know that if I get stressed out enough, its going to hit. Sometimes it just comes out of the blue. Its kind of like the sea, sometimes there are storms. Batten down the hatches and hold on, there will be blue skies and baby smiles before you know it.

Just totally out of the left field, is there any church group/charitable organization or some such that you could hit up for some free babysitting? One of the nice things about NZ is that they have agencies set up for "respite care," in which a burned out parent can send their kids away for an afternoon or even a weekend to regain some sanity. I think that if you called up your local church and explained the situation, they would probably dispatch a cute little ole nursery work post haste. (I used to work in the church nursery, we did things like that occasionally for parishioners, but would have done it for people off the street).
post #6 of 19
Just wanted to second the notion about the mother's helper, looking for help around you (babysitting or whatever) even if it's not perfect, even if it's just good enough. There is a lot on your shoulders right now and you can't be expected to wear a cape all the time! You need some support too. You matter too. You should be a priority as well. The others may moan and complain some but they'll manage. One small change here and there may make a big difference for you.
Keep an eye on your mood - if it's two weeks or longer it may be depression. Can you just have a chat with your MW on the phone before your appt on the 12th and ask about resources or help, or even just to have an ear?
post #7 of 19
Thread Starter 
DH has been off work for a week now with pneumonia and with the garnishment we're questioning being able to pay our bills and buy food. *sigh*

James was going out to my MIL's every friday so I got a bit of a break but his behavior was too much of an issue (rather their behavior, they taught James swear words, to tell people to shut up, to hit and headbutt in the privates among other things) so we had to end the visits.

I guess I've been stressed out and super irritable and upset since before Aldria was born, and now it's just getting worse cuz of everything else.

I keep thinking I should let something go, but if I don't do it it won't get done. I 'let the dishes go' for a week finally I was getting sick of washing cups and silverware and plates to be able to eat and just did them myself. I asked DH several times to do the dishes and he washed a few things and left the rest.

I let the laundry go for a while because I didn't want to leave the kids alone while I ran to the 1st floor of our apt building to do them and DH washed a load of whites (he needed socks and underware) and a load of mixed colors and jeans...leaving most of the kids and my clothes out. I called him on it and he said he didn't have time to do the laundry when he gets home.
post #8 of 19
Ohhhh! If you posted a thread about James and his behaviour (learned from in-laws) then I remember it. Ugh! Okay, no wonder you put an end to that.

I'm so sorry Mama. I wish I had an answer for you. The truth of the matter is, you need some support and resources. Money sucks right now, there's too much to do and too little time or energy. This sounds strange but can you get the 3 y.o. to "help" you with the dishes..........like load up a sink full of soapy water and let him go to town on the cutlery (no knives), and stuff you don't think he can break? Or let him "help you" with some things? I had to give up folding certain laundry things when dd would just repeatedly empty drawers (she's 2.5 and still does this at times). I let the teatowels and face cloths sit in a jumbled heap in the drawers, because she'll just come and mess them anyway. Or lately she likes to empty all her clothes from her drawers. At first I folded them and had her help, but now I just stuff 'em back in, knowing they'll be out again. It's been quite liberating, actually, and cut down on time, KWIM? Or if I do laundry sometimes (often) it just sits in the baskets all week and we pull our clothes from there, until it's time to do it again. Then I get dd to "help" me put clothes in the washer, etc. Involving her in stuff takes extra time at times but actually allows me to get things done instead of her fighting for attention and creating new messes, etc.

Letting some things go. Can you have PB&J, soup and grilled cheese, frozen dinners for supper and not worry about cooking for awhile? Or make a big pot of chicken soup (pretty easy to just put stuff in a pot and walk away while it cooks). You need some balance. How's your own eating/snacking? Eating nutritiously (bananas, yogurts, nuts, etc.)?

What are your neighbours like? Are there any other kids around you?
post #9 of 19
Buy a huge stack of paper plates, bowls and plasticwear. Bad for the environment, but short term will help you tremendously with your mental health. Throw away when done. No dishes. Less stress.

I did it for a month and it was a godsend.

If laundry can't be put off, throw one load in every morning and that's it. I don't bother separating colors/whites/towels/anything most of the time, and just use cool water. You gotta do what you gotta do.
post #10 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by *Melissa* View Post
You gotta do what you gotta do.
Yep.
post #11 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by *Melissa* View Post
Buy a huge stack of paper plates, bowls and plasticwear. Bad for the environment, but short term will help you tremendously with your mental health. Throw away when done. No dishes. Less stress.

I did it for a month and it was a godsend.

If laundry can't be put off, throw one load in every morning and that's it. I don't bother separating colors/whites/towels/anything most of the time, and just use cool water. You gotta do what you gotta do.
yes i'm there right now. i agree.
post #12 of 19
Thread Starter 
We already do paperplates : always have : we might be adding plastic cutlery and plastic bowls (for soup, cereal) to the mix.

Maybe once DH is healthy again it won't be so bad. He's never been real good about helping with the housework, but maybe once he's healthy he'll do more to help with the kids at least.

Right now with all us being sick and me running on no sleep (I'm nak attempting to get Aldria to sleep right now)...I've been trying to let DH sleep so he can get healthy again, I've been sleeping on the couch so Aldria isn't keeping James up (we don't have space for him to have his own bedroom, plus I don't think it would go over well anyway).

I'm not one to let housework go...I'm not a terrific housekeeper...my house teeters on the brink between "Insanely cluttered" and "Holy crap, humans can live like this?" I try to keep it up though, but we're in a very small space so not everything has a place, kwim? We're working on decluttering but a lot of it is stuff we honestly need. Toys, Aldria's car seat, the kids outgrown clothes, furniture, DH and my off season clothes, etc...

I'll be talking to my m/w on the 12th...possibly seeing about some medication just to keep me level since the stress really seems to get to me and makes me not a good mama. With DH's attitude right now, he can kiss my butt I don't care about being a 'good wife' right now...but I do need to be a good mama...and when I'm stressed I get really irritable and grouchy and snippy with James...I don't wanna be snippy with James. He doesn't deserve that, the stuff that is stressing me out isn't his fault.
post #13 of 19
I may get in trouble for this but be careful about the medication. Be absolutely certain that you are 1) *clinically* depressed and 2) depressed to the point of *really* needing it and 3) get the prescription from a *psychiatrist* who really knows what they are doing and will watch you for worsening/changing of symptoms. Medication should be the last line of defense. Neurochemicals are still a bit of a mystery, even to the experts, and can have seriously varying results. Well meaning and underinformed GPs have caused a lot of problems. (This isn't just what I think, this is what they're teaching in the psych department these days).

For example, Paxil has been banned in several countries for its link with suicide. I was on it as a teenager (forced by my parents and a moronic doctor) and it made my life hell. Completely destabilized my moods and personality. And getting off of it was like coming off of crack. I was put on Wellbutrin and I was friggin' allergic to it. I had a full blown psychotic break within days of starting it, hallucinating, gibbering, the works. That was the last straw for me and medications. I use natural supplements, good nutrition and positive thinking to pull me through these days.

That said, I know people who are way better off on medication. It really depends on your chemical makeup. Just don't take starting it lightly or consider it a magic bullet, I guess is my point.
post #14 of 19
Thread Starter 
Our ins doesn't cover psychiatric care I don't believe.

I don't wanna say "Just give me drugs and leave me alone." but at the same time I don't have time to see a dr for my physical health with the kids...ya know? I only have babysitters once in a while, my DH works till after most drs offices are closed. *sigh*

I'm just so sick of the mood swings and being so stressed and grumpy and angry. I wanna be a good mama again, I feel like I haven't been a good mama to James in a long time...: because I'm so stressed out and that makes me angry and snappy.
post #15 of 19
Try Postpartum Support International:

http://www.postpartum.net/

They can help you find resources in your area, or just talk on the 800 helpline number if you can't get out. It couldn't hurt.
post #16 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by JamesMama View Post
Our ins doesn't cover psychiatric care I don't believe.

I don't wanna say "Just give me drugs and leave me alone." but at the same time I don't have time to see a dr for my physical health with the kids...ya know? I only have babysitters once in a while, my DH works till after most drs offices are closed. *sigh*

I'm just so sick of the mood swings and being so stressed and grumpy and angry. I wanna be a good mama again, I feel like I haven't been a good mama to James in a long time...: because I'm so stressed out and that makes me angry and snappy.
what insurance do you have?
post #17 of 19
I don't think there's a person alive who wouldn't be unhappy and short-tempered in your situation.

When I was having psycho PMS my ob/gyn told me to take a good Bcomplex vitamin in addition to my multi. She also recommended magnesium and calcium supplementation.

Also, I've heard that supplements with Omega 3 fatty acids can make a real difference in depression, but you need to take like 2 or 3 times the recommended on the bottle dose.

I hope things are looking up for you soon! And I hope your DH is well enough soon so you can kick him in the ass!
post #18 of 19
yes i agree on the omega 3s. i'm taking 4 a day plus exercising. i made an appointment with a counselor...that's another option.
post #19 of 19
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the vitamin suggestions, I'll try those. We have some extra money coming tomorrow so I can pick them up this afternoon when DH gets paid.

We have Blue Cross/Blue Shield but it's a weird verion of it, they don't cover chiro or birth control (like even an IUD), or a few other things.
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