Teenage son and personal responsibility

[mum4boys]

I need help how I am reacting to my oldest. My husband and oldest have ADHD and for the most part now it is a non issue except for the short term memory and planning. I am getting so frustrated with ds, Johnny because he keeps on forgetting the times and places he has to be and he plans nothing then is always being caught off guard and unprepared. He is helping my dad out who lives 90 miles away and taking college classes. He was not able to take a test he needed to because he lost his id. So last week we had to go up there and get him a replacement ID yet again. First, he kept on forgetting what day we were coming. Then he mixed up the time. It would be no big deal that this was the first or second time he has forgotten something but it happens all the time not only that I have been dealing with dh doing the same thing for 18 years now. So I was getting frustrated with him when he told me my reaction was doing no good in helping the situation. He is absolutely right. Then my dh chimes in with the same thing. Okay they are right so I asked them how do we make this situation different. How should I respond? What part of the responsibility do they play? Both of them thought it was not and I repeat not unreasonable for me to be the one who reminds them of their apt and things and make sure they get to where they are suppose to be on time. I on the other hand have a huge problem with doing this. As I tell dh all the time I am not your mother…okay so I am my son’s mother but he is almost an adult. Where does personal responsibility play into this? I have no idea what to do different. The only thing I do know is how I react is not helping anyone.

[nd_deadhead]

I feel for you - I would be annoyed as well.

Last year in school my sons (twins, in 7th grade) had a hard time remembering to turn in homework, or completing assignments. They had no trouble doing the work - as long as they remembered it had to be done (and handed in).

They have been issued planners in school since 4th grade, but never got very good at using them. So the first step for our family was to get them to use their planners EVERY DAY, and to write down all their assignments. DH and I check their planners every day, to make sure they are filled out, and to help them see what they need to do. If there is nothing written in the planner, they need to call the school's homework hotline to make sure they've finished everything.

So far it has worked extremely well as far as homework assignments, but they still tend to forget to go to their music lessons (which are at a different time every week, so they don't always miss the same class). One of them sets the alarm on his watch as a reminder; the other (who doesn't wear a watch) writes the lesson time on his hand.

Yes, you are your son's mother - but unless he plans to live with you the rest of his life, he needs to figure out how to keep track of things for himself, and the sooner he starts, the better off he will be. If he kept a small calendar do you think he would be able to hang on to it? Or he can keep it in his room, so he always knows where it is, and can review it daily so he knows what's coming up.

The trick here is to get him to WANT to keep track of his own schedule. Good luck!

[smillerhouse]

I totally relate. I have a 17 year old son, who started college this fall and he has the same issues. Yes, I have to accept I am the one that does this. It is the last week of the semester and it takes a lot of patienece and is very time consuming. I know I will be his life coach and advocate to get him through college,etc. He is very bright but really the time thing is challenging daily. The more stuff there is, the more challenging. Sometimes he will call me over an over, what next? Traditional organizers,techniques do not seem to work. I have tried post-its. Lists which I find helpful ,he does not. He does write stuff down in a notebook.
I also got him a laptop and a digital recorder but does not tend to use it.
I find being encouraging,having him do as much as possible but the expectations that would be reasonable for most,do not fit. He does write stuff down and will put stuff in cell phone.
This requires a lot of patience and understanding on my part and yes, can be frustrating.
I find keeping things in the day (planning ahead-often forgets,etc.) and basically I have all sorts of folders,orgnanizers,calenders,etc. I do have a binder for his classwork. I am still homeschooling some for this reason. The classes like for next spring, only one will require that much planning,etc. Physical science. The art classes, one can be out of the box.
It helps to focus on strengths. He does get there on time,etc. I do have him do as much as possible-he does help me with driving, etc. It just takes tons of energy,time, and guidance. Sallie

[mum4boys]

I just need to take a step back and go okay this is how both of their brains are wired...deal with it. I know neither of them enjoy not remembering the small little things.

[BelovedK]

You might want to post a little something in the Special Needs forum, they might have some good perspective for you.