Oh mama, I'm soooo sorry to hear how frustrating your situation is! It brought back the feeling of sheer panic that I had when I went to court in a similar situation...my ex barely knew our 11mo and wanted her for extended visits as well!
Here are some thoughts...does your jurisdiction have any court custody evaluation? Can you ask for (though you'll probably have to pay for) a guardian ad litem to be appointed to your case, because of the age of the child? I would definitely approach this from a behavioral standpoint rather than AP...people get a little funny about AP, but you can find pretty much the same recommendations in behavioral psychology and a child's needs. I would emphasize that you do want them to have a relationship, you want to foster it, but you want it to develop at your child's comfort level. Have you made a recommendation to the court? Here was mine, basically, at the same age:
1st year...visits of 4-6h/day, when Dad in town or when I brought children to dad (which I had a history of doing and committed to doing...so it's not like it all falls on his side)
2nd year...gradually lengthening visits but no overnights. Ideally, visits would be 3-4 days every 2-3 months.
After 2nd birthday...overnights, adding one at a time, until she was ready for 3 overnights in town (with mom nearby, basically, in case she got too upset).
After 3rd birthday...up to 4 nights at a time away.
After 4th birthday...up to a week away.
Eventual goal: one week at Christmas, one week at Spring break, 6 weeks over the summer, and more as we could arrange it.
In our jurisdiction, they had a family court counseling service that evaluated both parents, the child, and made a custody recommendation. She pretty much went with my schedule. I also made a committment to bringing our children to see their dad, (in part because then I would be nearby in case the first overnight visits didn't go well...though they were fine). In court, the judge moved it all up one year, so dd2 had her first overnights at about 1.5 and her first few days away at 21 months. We had an older dd, though, so that made it a lot easier (dd2 is almost as attached to dd1 as she is to me, in terms of her AP life). And also...I knew my ex well enough to know he could parent, as we were together for dd1's first 2.5 years.
So here's the things I would emphasize:
Consistency and frequent short visits are more age appropriate.
Building up to longer visits, on child's comfort level, with fallback plans.
Goal is long visits with dad, but with child happy to go.
And just fwiw, it really worked out great for DD, she's never once hesitated about going to her dad's, and now goes for 2 weeks at a time with no problem. Having a sister helped, I'm sure, but also just the gradual schedule.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts tonight and tomorrow...praying for you and your child. I'm sure they won't take your child's first Christmas away, and at such short notice. Oh, you might want to make a note of that...that you'll be happy to provide breastmilk for visits, but need X amount of notice to make sure you have a supply on hand.
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