WHAT is with people...another gripe.

[chrysalis]

i swear i am SO TIRED of this. i know this may seem like simple stuff to many of you and it wouldn't bug YOU but oh man.......megh just came back from going to the hot tub w/ my mom...turns out her boyf went too. figures. he can't just let her have time w/megh while HE is home. or she doesn't make a boundary. anyway so megh ate some lasagna w/ them and now she is home. she said to me 'greggy was pretending to cry...' i said 'why?' and she said 'cuz i wouldn't give him a hug goodbye...' i said 'GOOD'. lol i couldn't help myself. : he is so annoying in how he always asks HER to give HIM a hug. it ain't about HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so tired of this. this is NOT healthy for a little girl to feel as if she has to meet his needs. he could say lets hug or can i give YOU a hug. but its always about HIM getting a hug. weirdo. i told megh before many times and i told her again this time that she does not have to meet a grown ups needs for a 'hug'. then she tells me greg said she could have a treat if she finished all her dinner. wtf!? sorry but that goes against the way our family operates. megh NEVER has to 'finish her food'. i encourage her to take so many bites, say, but never ever does she have to clean her plate. this upsets me. he is setting her up for some unhealthy stuff. sigh. i really need to have a talk w/ this dude but i am avoiding it. ugh. big time. i try to avoid her spending time w/ him but she wanted to go in the hot tub tonight and well, he was home of course...and decided to tag along w/ my mom and megh. grrrrrrrrrr. i just wish he'd stop telling my dd what to do. i doubt my mom has had a talk w/ him about all i've said to HER about HIM. which is NOT cool on HER part. she better wake up and get w/ the program that *i* am the parent here and what i say goes. she should tell greg when he says those things (in his baby talk voice) that that is not how lis does it at her home, in her family, with HER kids. she should edumacate this dude on not setting my dd up to meet a grown up mans needs by asking HER for a hug. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i'm sure this guy means: well but....grrrr.

[GinaRae]

nak

Lis,
His generation is much different than yours AND most people are different than you and I. we don't force our kids to hug and kiss adults -- and for a good reason! But the adults don't get it. We also don't make them eat a whole plate of food if it's not an appropriate amount...but others were taught children should finish a plate. WE don't want an adult manipulatng our children with crying or promises of treats...

So here's what i think. You are responsible. Often when dealing with soomeone who is difficult, you must tell them, "I'm sorry, it's my fault for not telling you what I expect."

You need to sit down with this bf and tell him what you expect. You should have them over for dinner often and show him what you do in your home. Openly tell him (nicely!) when your DD is in his care he should do x, y and z.

Get close to him. You know the saying "keep friends close and enemies closer"? If you're worried about him, you need to stay close. Tell him flat out that child abusers will manipulate children and insist the child touches them for hugs, etc and that you want Meg to know the difference between adults she should respect and adults she should fear.

He needs to know that you want her to stay away from adults who force her to touch them and make her uncomfortable. SO if he asks for a hug and she says no, he should respect that. And as a good man (you tell him) he will understand what you're trying to accomplish (keeping her safe).

[chrysalis]

gina, this man is only 45 yo. (my mom is robbing the cradle to try and feel good about her being 60 i truly believe...) i'm only like what, 8 yrs younger than he is.

i agree wholeheartedly w/ what you say. i guess i just want to avoid as much interaction w/ them as i can...ugh. but i like how you worded what to say to them...thank you for this!!! i truly appreciate your wisdom and advice. i love how you communicate w/ people, the way you word things....

well...things were going fine this afternoon. megh spent about 10:30am til my mom drove us all to meghs' swim lesson at 1pm. at around 2pm when we were leaving the swim place, megh panicked as she thought we had forgotten her jean jacket she LOVES inside the locker room. i said no baby, its in the car. my mom said no its in the car. she started getting very worked up saying NO! you are wrong!!! you are WRONG, i'm RIGHT,nanny...it is NOT in the car!!! (in what most would consider a rude manner...) we got to the car and megh saw that her jacket WAS in the car...she wouldn't let my mom buckle her in, my mom was doing that face of annoyance and totally gave up on interacting w/ my upset megh and said to me as she often will, "THIS has GOT to STOP. THIS is NOT ok. we need to do something about this..." like there is something wrong w/ my dd. right at that point, my mom got so obviously bent out of shape w/ meghan and her whole attitude shifted w/ her. after that, meghs' attitude shifted w/ my mom and from thereon was mean to my mom calling her mean and sticking her tongue at her. my mom got annoyed again at a point and i told my mom remember, don't take it personally...let it ride...let it sliddddde off...she is just a little girl. this lasted for 2.5 more hours. my mom then continued her attitude, gave megh mostly the silent treatment. i'm sorry but i have now witnessed exactly why megh is that way w/ my mother sometimes...my mom gives up on her just like tom (my ex) would when he got annoyed w/ how megh was acting and what she would say...for me, megh can speak her mind if she needs to. hitting isn't ok and i will stop her from that if it happens but if she wants to express that someone is mean, and that is what she feels, then so be it. so on the ride home around 4:15pm, megh said it again how mean nanny is and my mom mumbles to me "i haven't been mean all day.............." and looked like she wanted to cry and burst out in some crazy explosion at the same time. i said to my mother "to MEGH, you have been." i just left it at that instead of MY saying she was mean. megh felt my mom was mean. and i personally feel this way too, if you ask me, mamas!!! my mom is not being very AP i don't feel. she is arguing w/ a 5 yo dear little girl about who is mean and who is wrong and right. like hello, lady, GROW UP. it just amazes me how immature my mother is. i don't care how old she is or from what generation she's from. that isn't a good enough excuse for this as my dc's mother. it obviously upsets megh very much when my mom gets annoyed and withholds her love and affection and stops interacting nicely w/ megh...my mom totally contradicts herself as far as what she believes in and so forth. this is so entirely heartbreaking. the only reason we've been getting rides from my mother the past 3 days is she had her car at the body shop and had a rental she wouldn't let me drive (like i'm some kid). thank god i'll be able to drive MYSELF starting tomorrow. i can't be w/ that woman over 1 hour w/out her pulling some b.s. w/ megh or i. grrrrrr.

[GinaRae]

Hmmmppffhh... if only I could say something wonderful to my own mother that would make a difference. :::

Make sure you're communicating this to her -- that she's acting like Tom and your DC is reacting to that. Sounds like she's still testing your mom to see if she loves her enough to overcome the bad behavior.

[chrysalis]

i think she is surely acting like tom...glad you see it too, gina.

i have told my mother this a few times and she blows up saying don't you EVER compare me to HIM. pffff whatEVER lady. keep on living your facade...

i seriously think i should move into an apt. someplace else w/ this domestic violence grant i have up to 1200. but god i'd miss living by this ice rink here and the pines here (mostly junipers in other areas of bend) and the hot tubs and such. i don't have my own wheels so that'd be an issue too. i feel stuck. any ideas??? my mom wants me to use that grant for this place i'm in now...but the thing is i'm ALREADY in this place and i told her i refuse to alter a lease and forge my landlords name...it'd be MY ass if i were busted by DHS. plus, it isn't ethical. they (my mom and greg) are like but we won't have much for christmas then....la la la.................pffffff. i don't know what to say about THAT except christmas doesn't need to be full of bought stuff................that isn't what its about i told her. sure a few gifts but no need to go overboard as she always has........i know greg does w/ his boys but you know, i just don't agree w/ it. neither are very interactive people as far as their kids go or w/ my mom's case, even now w/ her grandkids.

i really feel i need more space from this woman and her boyf. i should not have to be thinking about this crap right now...i'm so tired and in pain still. if they couldn't afford to help me then they should have thought about that a long time ago. i don't need this pressure or illegal pressure on me to do something that is wrong. i think i will move. i hate to but i think i may have to.
lis