Remind me please...

[operamommy]

that I'm NOT a terrible mom and my two older kiddos WILL turn out to be responsible adults eventually.

It's just been one of those weeks. Ds1 is 12, and dd is 9. I'm so sick of having to tell them the same simple things over and over and over, like don't throw wet towels on the floor. Ds1 had 2 friends over this weekend and they threw my Halloween decorations in our outdoor fountain. They also managed to break one of his bed rails. Dh and I *still* haven't figured out consequences because we're just tired. Why do we have to have the same talks over and over? Does anything *ever* sink in?

They have both picked up a bad habit of lying lately. This really disappoints and scares me. We've had talk after talk and I though we finally got through. Well, this morning dd lied and said she fed/watered her cats when she didn't. She'd rather leave them to starve all day rather than do her chore. AND lie about it!! : They both brought home crappy report cards last term.

Dh and I have always set a good moral example and we are both hard workers. We've always been involved with their schools. Why in the world do I have two kids who shirk any responsibility they can and tell lies? They don't get a very good example from their bio dad (he lies all the time!!) but they're only there 4 days a month - shouldn't they be picking up our example instead of his? To top it off, dd told me the other day that she wouldn't have any fun on Christmas here, but she would at her daddy's. Why did she say that? No clue, just to be mean.

I feel like the world's worst mom. I feel hopeless too. We don't seem to be making any progress as they get older at all. I'm tired of handing out consequences and punishing. I'm tired of long talks trying to make them understand. I just want to see SOME amount of growth and maturity.

[terrordactyl]

dont feel hopeless teenagers can be rude i know i was that way at that age and i didnt even realize i was doing it. and i turned out responcible you'll be fine

[Jenlaana]

operamommy, don't feel bad or give up. I've been, and am now in, the same place you are. I have a 12 year old who does all manner of "bad things". He does pretty much the same things you are talking about. He lies when it suits him, lied about feeding and watering his own dog (that he begged for almost two YEARS to get) and I didnt even realize it until the dog started to look boney because he chose to pull this stunt during the 2 week period surrounding his little sister's birth. This morning, I went to give DD1 a bath and there was a bad smell in the bathroom. Come to find out he has recently been using the toilet in there that has been broken for a good 2 months (we have 3 bathrooms so it was not like he couldn't find another...this one just happens to be closer to his bedroom and he was being lazy apparently). Not broken like I can fill the back up to empty it either...the back tank is cracked and its impossible to manually flush.

So yeah, kids can be a royal pain in the butt at this age. Did I mention that my son and the neighbor's son chose to go swimming in another neighbor's water fountain this summer? lol

But ya know what? What seperates us from the bad parents is that we dont give up. I think that all kids test their parents, and all go through some rough stages, and lie or do other incredibly frustrating and just all out bad behaviors. But the ones that turn out good are the ones who's parents never give up on them. Just keep loving your kids and remembering that this too shall pass.

And really, even if they act like they don't hear you...somewhere in their subconscious they do, and while it may not reflect current behaviors, I garuntee it will have some impact on how they function once they get older. I can remember so many conversations with my dad where he would spout something that I realize now is absolutely ridiculous and I would tell him he was full of it (in full combatant mode) and then I would use that information in my decision making going forward.

[kathymuggle]

With the exception of the lying, my DC act almost exactly like yours. I think it is fairly common behavior - and I can really empathise with the entire post!

What have you said to DC in regards to lying? Maybe we can help you come up with different ideas/points that will work. I know with my own kids, we have always stressed that the consequences of lying (which is untrustworthiness) is usually worse than the consequences for whatever infraction they have done.

On the flip side, sometimes talking about an issue over and over is a turn off. I know I have spoken until I am blue in the face about why I think certain shows are inappropriate, and have gotten no-where. Sometimes actions (consequences), and even re-direction (outside activite to keep them engaged, etc) can slow the negative behaviours down better than talking.

I think you should scheduel a little sit down ASAP with your DP and work out a consequence for the bed-raill thing. It is not really fair to Ds to drag it out, or to let it go due to tiredness.

[Jenlaana]

just wanted to say that the one thing that has worked in regards to lying, for us, is just to let him know the natural consequence and then move on and let those consequences show themselves. For us, that means that we dont just take DS's word for it when he says something (especially if its something important) and he lost his dog (we still have the dog but it stays with my husband and I now and he doesnt often get to walk it or bring it into his room etc)

[tpott4]

I just want to say hang in there. I think that repetition is the key with kids.

[Ame]

When I feel the way you're feeling (all too often) I try to remember back when my parents would "nag" me or annoy me with the same lecture/complaint/discipline ...the meaningful things they told me (not the yelling & threats ) really stuck with me. No matter how much I acted like I didn't like it on the outside...on the inside it made me feel loved and made me into the person I am today (which isn't perfect but I didn't ruin my lie and I'm still alive and very happy).

My older 2 are 13 & 9 and I feel like a "broken record" all the time...logical consequences and doing roll reversal seems to be most effective in getting through to them.

[operamommy]

Thanks, mamas. Just knowing that I'm not the only one going through this really helps. We did have a bright spot today - ds1 found out that he didn't get any smoke-ups (progress reports for bad grades) for the halfway mark through this term. Yay!!!

We've talked about the natural consequences for lying, and ds1 had several privelages taken away last time he lied, like being able to stay home alone for short periods (if you're untrustworthy you can't stay by yourself). Dd is harder because she just doesn't seem to get it no matter what we do. She'll tell me things sometimes and I'll remind her that it's difficult for me to believe her since she's proven herself to be untrustworthy. She'll look sad for 2 seconds, then move on.

One of the really tough things for me is that I'm in totally uncharted territory here. My parents were abusive or neglectful by turns, so it's not like I can look back and remember what my parents did. To top it off, even though I had crappy parents, I NEVER got into trouble, was on the honor roll all the time, etc. It almost makes me resentful in a way that my kiddos have really loving, involved parents, and they act this way, when I had no decent role models and would have never done the things they do. But on the other hand, I was scared to death of my parents, and I definately don't want my kids to feel that way.

I had a short talk with ds1 today and told him that he would need to either pay dh for his time spent fixing the bed rail, or help pay for a new bed rail if the old one can't be fixed. I think that and not being able to have friends over for awhile (since we can't currently trust him to do the right thing around his friends) are good natural consequences.

Right now both of them are downstairs at the table playing play dough with their little brother. Thank goodness for times like this - it makes getting through the tough times a tiny bit easier!