mothering attatchment disorder

[moma justice]

i realized last night (after reading here at 4 am with my perky new born son in the bouncey chair!)

how deeply traumatized i am by my children's deaths

and that i can even allow myself to classify it as so (them being my children and them having deaths) is such a huge step in the right direction.
for the record
i lost a baby at 13 weeks m/c at home
one at 20 weeks due to a lethal birth defect (he had no brain only fluid)...him i did an herbal abortion at home over the course of 4 weeks....
then my live dd at home
then Rain my full term still birth at 41 weeks, they THINK that was an unknown placental infection....b/c of the nature of my homebirth, we did not know she was dead till after she was born...we followed with a hospital transport...in a state where homebirth is not within the law...it became an unending nightmare.

one year later i give birth to my son, via c section...and it became a very tricky surgery due to complications and now i am out of the running of ever having a vaginal birth again.

i have spent almost a decade pregnant and i have only my two living children to show for it.
oh that and my poor body.

and i should mention all those losses are unrelated random one in a million reasons for death/loss.

not that i am complaining...
i just realized how DEEPLY i have internalized all this trauma and death...and one major result is my inability to completely bond and attach myself to my children

i am to scared that they are not really here to stay to love with full abandon.

i notice my heart holding back some with them both.

now in some ways i mother with much more grace, humility, and appreciation b/c of my birth losses...

but today i realized what it felt like to really love my kids, no matter what...without hesitation or concern about our permanence

i smelled my baby's head so many times.

i guess the point being, i have 5 children, 3 dead and 2 living...i am not yet 30 and i wonder what it would be like to love them like i have never been hurt by their loss...or to have a house full of them tumbling all over each other in joyful chaos....who they would have become...what i would see if i could look them in the eye.

those things i will never know.

and i give myself permission to MISS them.

[babygrant]

I am so sorry for your losses, but so happy for your blessings. I hope you allow yourself the time to heal, the time to grieve, the time to rejoice. to you!

[Phoenix_Rising]

Originally Posted by moma justice

and i give myself permission to MISS them.

I really liked what you had to say about loving with full abandon. That is something I strive to do, even in the midst of all else. to you as you love those babes with you and miss those you have lost.

[editmom]

I am so sorry for your losses. You wrote your story so well, I know a bit of what you speak.My friends lost two babes shortly after birth. The babes had a serious congenital disorder that they Identified while friend was carrying #2. Somehow,it wasn't in their plan, number three came along, born with the same disease but not as severe. 3 has lived with this disease for 20 years and my friends have had the same questions. Except 3 has ongoing serios health issues. They love her with no abandon, they did not spoil her. though she was ill she still had chores and responsibilities. She is an amazing young woman and I am rich to have them in my life. Love those babes and celebrate every moment.

[momma of monkeys]

You are a wonderful Momma...and you will see your angels again, we all cross the Rainbow Bridge' at some point, sorry for your losses...s to you for all the burdens you bear, and all the love you have to give...

[prairiemommy]

My heart goes out to you. You're right, one does need to relearn how to love fully after being so deeply hurt. Your children (all of them) are lucky to have you as a mama.