when your 5 year old doesn't want you to have company over?

[moodymaximus]

i've tried telling her well in advance; i've tried telling her just before. she doesn't like when i have a friend over for coffee. or when someone comes over for dinner. this happens very rarely, so she isn't used to it...

she keeps saying she'd be bored. i tell her that's okay to be bored, everyone is bored sometimes, and i offer her choices of what she can do not to be bored. she refuses every single one of them.

she says she'll be rude to the guests. i tell her that's obviously her choice, how she behaves, but that we wouoldn't like this behaviour and that this wouldn'be polite. and that this will mean that she is rude to her parents as well, and that i'd feel upset. (i tried telling her early on that people won't like coming over anymore, if she is rude, but this seems to be exactly what she wants).

i feel so defeated. we don't use any punishments, but this is where i'm itching to tell her, you know, you will have to stay in your room then!

i rationalise with myself that this is a natural consequence--rude to visitors, need to stay in her room. maybe it is. but i have no way of "making" her do this. she will simply say she doesn't want to stay there. other than locking her there and hearing to her screams.... well, this is not something that i'm prepared to do, obviously.

yesterday a friend stopped by for 1 hour, and DD was patient at first and then started to threaten me that she'd be rude, and as i was not producing any reaction, she sort of stopped. she did interrupt us a lot, but it wasn't too bad.

i know she is jealouos...i try talking to her about it--why i like if someone comes over, that i try to be polite and nice to them, and this means not asking when they are leaving and offering them our best chocolate, and preparing a nice dinner and cleaning up a bit.

she keeps saying that she doens't like people over; doesnt' want to meet them; doesn't want to be bored while they are here, etc. i'm ready to explode. and her threats that she will be rude! :

any ideas i'm missing?

thanks! oh, and i did tell her, that when we have company we have a cake and icecream. sort of a bribe. she isn't buying it. she's never been bribed before!

[GuildJenn]

I think I'd acknowledge her feelings and then move on and do what I was going to do (invite the friend over). She is completely allowed to have her feelings about it. I might brainstorm with her a bit about what she can do if she wants quiet (go to her room) or is bored (make a list of activities in advance; set up a craft.)

But other than that I wouldn't get into it. To me gentle discipline is about not being punitive and allowing kids their feelings - not ensuring they never encounter a situation they don't like!

Kids can be rude even if they wanted the person over in the first place - I think you handled it well.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I would definitely not stop entertaining just because my child didn't like it. Assuming, of course, that these visits are enjoyable for you other than the stress with your child. You have needs (for company) and your meeting them is not neglecting her needs (to have your attention all the time is a want, not a need, since she is beyong infancy).

I also agree with pp that a child is entitled to feel whatever they feel -- bored, angry, resentful... But they don't have the right to make you change your life to avoid them having these feelings. And after about age 4, they also don't have the right to express them in such a way that it has a negative impact on others.

I would try to mitigate the issues however. So, set up something special she can do, entertain at a time when she is going to be in a cooperative mood (or asleep). Frankly, this is when the kids watched TV when they were younger -- when I wanted some time to chat with a friend. Have her help with the "hostessing" by passing food or making a centerpiece for the table, whatever to make her feel part of the visit.

And teach her about being a hostess by having her friends over too. Playdates can be a wonderful way to teach host/guest behavour in a way that she can really appreciate. It goes without saying that if you ask her to be cooperative about your "playdates" you need to accommodate her requests for the same.

[moodymaximus]

i'm not cancelling anything, obviously.

i think what i've been doing (validating, letting her express her feelings, exploring, explaining, etc)is working as she just told me that she is thinking how to make sure she is polite... tihs is not a gurantee, of course, but we are on the right track.

[HarperRose]

If mine did that I would tell them they are allowed to have those feelings, discuss it, think of things to busy the kid/s while I have a guest over, etc., but then I would say, "You don't have to like it, but this is what we're doing and there is no further discussion about it."

I think it's good that she's trying to find ways on her own to deal w/ the situation (thinking of how to be polite).

[moodymaximus]

Originally Posted by Justthatgirl

If mine did that I would tell them they are allowed to have those feelings, discuss it, think of things to busy the kid/s while I have a guest over, etc., but then I would say, "You don't have to like it, but this is what we're doing and there is no further discussion about it."

I think it's good that she's trying to find ways on her own to deal w/ the situation (thinking of how to be polite).

this is what i've been telling her. i also mention to her when *i* have these feelings about something else, so she knows she is not the only one forced to go through uncomfortable and boring situations

the evening went relatively well! she got dressed up and complained a little bit, but overall was pretty respectful, except the last 20 or so minutes, but it was getting late, so i could relate. our guest thought that we have remarkable kids :

[WuWei]

Well, we don't have folks to our home, if a member of the family doesn't want company. Or we make other accommodations to visit when that one isn't home, or visit in some other location.

For instance, dh is an introvert. I am an extrovert. He doesn't like having a bunch of folks here, so I don't impose my desire for company on him. He'll go elsewhere, or I'll visit my friends elsewhere. It really isn't a big deal. Same with ds, he is also an introvert and doesn't like a bunch of folks here at times. So, I go out with my mama friends for lunch, errands, dinner, visits, or have them over while dh and ds are out and about. We have worked out many visits where everyone is happy, without impinging on each other.


Pat

[HarperRose]

Originally Posted by moodymaximus

this is what i've been telling her. i also mention to her when *i* have these feelings about something else, so she knows she is not the only one forced to go through uncomfortable and boring situations

Good idea. I love being able to relate to my kids on a level like that. I DO remember how sucky it was for me when I had to do blah blah blah. Usually it snaps them out of their cranky mood over whatever the issue is.

the evening went relatively well! she got dressed up and complained a little bit, but overall was pretty respectful, except the last 20 or so minutes, but it was getting late, so i could relate. our guest thought that we have remarkable kids :

Woohoo!

[mamaduck]

If jealousy is the issue --- Might it help if she could invite a friend over whenever you invite a friend over? So then she would have a peer to play with, while you have coffee and a chat with a friend?

[moodymaximus]

Originally Posted by WuWei

Well, we don't have folks to our home, if a member of the family doesn't want company. Or we make other accommodations to visit when that one isn't home, or visit in some other location.

For instance, dh is an introvert. I am an extrovert. He doesn't like having a bunch of folks here, so I don't impose my desire for company on him. He'll go elsewhere, or I'll visit my friends elsewhere. It really isn't a big deal. Same with ds, he is also an introvert and doesn't like a bunch of folks here at times. So, I go out with my mama friends for lunch, errands, dinner, visits, or have them over while dh and ds are out and about. We have worked out many visits where everyone is happy, without impinging on each other.


Pat

well, it was one person, and the most we had was two, and this is maybe once every 4 months. so it is not like there was a bunch of people.

in the same way as i'm open to DD's friends to be coming over when she is older and has friends, i feel she should be respectful to our friends coming over once in a while.

if i were to listen to her and find alternative arrangements for seeing our friend, then what is the reverse situation--if dd wanted company and we didn't, then what?

[WuWei]

Originally Posted by moodymaximus

well, it was one person, and the most we had was two, and this is maybe once every 4 months. so it is not like there was a bunch of people.

in the same way as i'm open to DD's friends to be coming over when she is older and has friends, i feel she should be respectful to our friends coming over once in a while.

if i were to listen to her and find alternative arrangements for seeing our friend, then what is the reverse situation--if dd wanted company and we didn't, then what?

My goal is to model, rather than expect, what I can do from our 6 year old. I would find a way for ds to have company when it were agreeable, or a way for ds to enjoy his friends without my attendance.

If it were infrequent, like dh's friends from college, we'd find a way where everyone gets what they want.


Pat

[philomom]

A five year old can determine whether or not you have a social life inside your own home? I think that's giving kids too much power.

To the OP, have company! If your child misbehaves, draw her aside quietly and ask her not to act that way. After a couple of pulling her asides, I'd send her to her room. A good time out might make her more sociable next time.

Also, you might try role playing the behavior you expect when company comes. And she should get some attention shortly before the party so that she does not feel shirked when the company comes in the door.

[greenfish]

Another consequence--if it works for you with $/trade/etc--is to let her know that if she can't be nice to your friends, then you and your friend will go out for coffee and leave her with a babysitter/the friend you trade with/however your life is arranged. Our kids would rather be home with us and a friend than home without us. I haven't had to follow through with this consequence, but I would if necessary. I suspect I'd only have to do it once

[babygrace]

Originally Posted by moodymaximus

if i were to listen to her and find alternative arrangements for seeing our friend, then what is the reverse situation--if dd wanted company and we didn't, then what?

good question.

i would hope my daughter grows up understanding that consideration for others' happiness/likes should also factor into her scheme of things sometimes. as a mother i can go out of my way to accommodate her wishes (even if they impinge on mine), but the world outside might come as a rude shock to her when she encounters people/situations that aren't going to work themselves around her!

[SublimeBirthGirl]

I think what I'd probably do is continue with the conversations, and try to have company more often. I'd invite people I knew well, and talk to them about the situation in advance, that I was trying to get my daughter more used to company. I'd ask them not to react to rudeness. If she was rude, I'd basically ignore it, continue being nice to her and polite to the company. She'll probably stop after she stops getting a reaction.

[mamaduck]

I think what I'd probably do is continue with the conversations, and try to have company more often.

You know what.... this is a pretty decent idea! Sometimes the things that happen very infrequently are the things kids balk at the most. Maybe she doesn't like her routine messed with, kwim? So how about making "company day" a part of her routine? If she can anticipate the day and time, it might make it easier for her to cope with. And maybe she could be a part of planning the details -- who is coming, what you will serve to eat and drink, maybe she can serve drinks on a tray or something.