Getting tired of teen dread

[Arduinna]

Who else here is totally sick of people finding out you have a teen and them assuming that they are horrible, screaming, manipulative lying kids? Or getting the oh nooooooo I'm so dreading my kids hitting their teens, or OMG I'm dreading my kid driving, or dating. Or oh the horror my kid will grow up one day.

Because I'm totally sick and tired of it.

Everyone assumes teens are bad, snotty and yell and slam doors. I actually feel sorry for teens that they are uniformly given a bad rap.

Yes I've known some teens that are like that. But mine isn't. She is an awesome, considerate, well read kid that doesn't give us attitude or a hard time. And no it's not because we "laid down the law to show her who is boss" like people assume. Quite the opposite since we are pretty much a consentual living family.

I'm just really tired of the bad teen assumptions.

[BelovedK]

I agree, though I understand why people think that. Society has coached us into thinking that unilaterally, every teen will go through 'that' phase, and it will be horrible. The truth is that the teen years are a natural time for self discovery and questioning the world around them. It is natural for some teens to 'try on' different identities, it is disconcerting to some parents to see their young ones changing, even if they logically want them to grow into healthy adults.

It also annoys me a bit when I hear parents say that about dreading the teen years, I just try to educate them with the information and intuitions that I have. I am excited to have a little one going through puberty and am constantly amazed at how considerate, creative and special he is...I also see him struggling with insecurity and inner torment. That comes out sometimes in very unpleasant ways, I will not lie, but I never 'dreaded' it.

I also am surrounded by many teens as a part of a Circus troupe that I am involved in. I love the role I play in their lives, even if it is not accepted by my own son He needs another adult in his life to be a mentor (a role I play for other teens) I wish, wish, wish that he would confide in me more, I am parenting in a gentle, cooperative way, but not all kids are going to respond in the same way.

I have compassion for the parents that suffer from fear when it comes to their changing child, it does kind of feel like the rug is being pulled from beneath you to SOME people. depends on the kid/ parent and family dynamic.

[debbieh]

I'm with you. I have a 17 yo dd and she is such a joy! Helpful, playful. She quite literally begs her daddy and I to watch movies with her. Oh yes, she has her snotty days (think PMS here ). But all in all, she's a great kid.
What bothers me is when someone finds out that my teen dd is driving....why does everyone assume that all teens are horrible drivers? She is probably a better driver than me. Very cautious and very aware of her speed.
She is actually the third teen for me and in all honesty, the other two were just a great!

[UnschoolnMa]

Yes, yes and yes again!! I totally understand. Teen phobia is rampant online and IRL, and it's such an unfortunate thing. I think it comes from so many sources. The big one is that we are lead to believe that them wanting any kind of independence is some major act of rebellion or that any difference of opinion or style from their parents is cause for concern. Blech.

I LOVE my teenagers! We've not had to lay down any law or be "strict" or any of that stuff. None of the kids' friends/peers believe them at first when they say they have never been grounded. Dd has a friend who is grounded more than not, and she's totally resentful and full of snark toward her parents for it. Also, it's not doing a darn thing because she's always online when her parents are gone, and that is the thing she's usually "grounded" from.

I fear driving, and dating, and well lots of things. It's not because I don't want them to grow up and do those things, but it's because I fear the hurt I know they are bound to have to face and the people who will be untrue and unkind. My mom heart wants to save them from it all, but I know I can't do that. They have lives to live and things to learn too. I'm just grateful that we have such a close, respectful and loving relationship so that I can be there to help wherever I can help.

[Nico DeMouse]

I'm not a mama (yet), but I, too, am frustrated by people's reactions to teens. I was a middle school teacher for about 8 years. People were always so sorry for me when they heard what grade I taught, and then shocked to find out I picked middle school, that it was actually my first choice.

Believe me, most of the adults I worked with were far more trying than my students. The kids were great.

[Jenlaana]

I'm your mirror opposite. I didnt think anything negative about teens, and was actually looking forward to my son becoming a teen because we could have *real* conversations, and do fun stuff together. What I got, however, was the polar opposite. My son is inconsiderate, rude, loud, obnoxious, and starts trouble at home just to see how much he can push before we (his dad and I) get frustrated (and has admitted as much). At the school he goes to, the kids are worse even than he is. They hit/punch/kick/insult/steal/etc so much that I am considering homeschooling my son again after only 2 weeks of public school. It may not be *all* the kids there, but its definitely enough that my son cannot go through a whole class period without being messed with or insulted or threatened by *someone*.

[BelovedK]

I'm sorry you aregoing through that with your son. I have had problems with my son as well, he has some special needs that cause alot of torment for him as he goes through hormonal changes. I LOVE the whole energy that teens bring to the world though, DS will get through this , so will your DS. From what you describe about his school, I would yank him out and homeschool as you are thinking of doing. I know firsthand how hard it can be for some of us. I think that so many people expect that kind of behavior from our teens though, not ALL of themin that age category have those issues though, I think it is he exception, and I also think it has ALOT to do with how they are socialized in many schools.

God luck to you, and ((((hugs))))

Originally Posted by Jenlaana

I'm your mirror opposite. I didnt think anything negative about teens, and was actually looking forward to my son becoming a teen because we could have *real* conversations, and do fun stuff together. What I got, however, was the polar opposite. My son is inconsiderate, rude, loud, obnoxious, and starts trouble at home just to see how much he can push before we (his dad and I) get frustrated (and has admitted as much). At the school he goes to, the kids are worse even than he is. They hit/punch/kick/insult/steal/etc so much that I am considering homeschooling my son again after only 2 weeks of public school. It may not be *all* the kids there, but its definitely enough that my son cannot go through a whole class period without being messed with or insulted or threatened by *someone*.

[SagMom]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

I'm just really tired of the bad teen assumptions.

And from what I've seen, when a problem DOES arrise, it's attributed to some imagined general evilness of teens, rather than people seeing it as a mistake, yk?

[Momtwice]

It's the same with toddlers. "They" assume they are having tantrums even if they are sweet. (And one can be both sweet and moody...I don't know about you but I have mood swings, why should toddlers or teens be any different? We're all human!)

Keep sending that postive energy out to the teens in your life because it makes the world a better place.

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by Momtwice

It's the same with toddlers. "They" assume they are having tantrums even if they are sweet. (And one can be both sweet and moody...I don't know about you but I have mood swings, why should toddlers or teens be any different? We're all human!)

Keep sending that postive energy out to the teens in your life because it makes the world a better place.

Yes. yes yes!!! I have terrible mood swings, why should I nt have compassion for another human being who is also going through a similar experience. I am not superior, just older... I feel blessed to be able to be around all of these teens. I can't wait to see what DD will be like at 13, I have no dread, just happy anticipation and curiosity.

[Susana]

Oh yeh.

I have had so many people tell me that my dd (age 14) will hate me someday soon. why is it just assumed that mothers and daughters will hate each other?

it's an ignorant assumption because those who say that to me must not know me or my daughter very well.

I adore my teenagers and find their changes and transformations so exciting. I burst with pride on a daily basis.

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by Susana

Oh yeh.

I have had so many people tell me that my dd (age 14) will hate me someday soon. why is it just assumed that mothers and daughters will hate each other?

it's an ignorant assumption because those who say that to me must not know me or my daughter very well.

I adore my teenagers and find their changes and transformations so exciting. I burst with pride on a daily basis.

I hear that too, about my DD hating me one day I hope that is not true, I can't imagine it to be...I also burst with pride at both of my DCs

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by SagMom

And from what I've seen, when a problem DOES arrise, it's attributed to some imagined general evilness of teens, rather than people seeing it as a mistake, yk?

that is very true also.

[choli]

Yes, it drives me nuts. So do the comments about teens at the park, teens at the mall, teens in the street - as though their very existence was a threat and they should be kept under lock and key at home.

Also, the posts of horror at "my kid is growing up". Our job as parents is to help our kids grow up, their job is to grow up, where is the problem there? Yes, my kids will eventually drive, date, have sexual relations, so what? Perfectly normal.

Not saying my almost 14 DD is always a model of sweetness and light, but then, I assure you, neither am I...

[primalmommy]

There's nothing new about it. Once people quit rolling their eyes in sympathy because you have a newborn, they see you enjoying your baby and say, "Wait until he's TWO! Then you'll be sorry!" (I LOVED two. and three... and...)

Every stage of the growing up process will feature some veteran know-it-all mom warning that the party is over, and the next step will be awful.

Whenever I found a mom who admitted to loving her toddlers, or teens, or whatever, I was grateful. I try to be that person now for younger moms.

The flip side, from where I stand now with older kids, is moms of babies who are so sure (like I once was ) that THEIR perfect little child will never stomp a foot and say "NO!" at three, or be sarcastic as a teen. I knew just how parents of older kids were doing it all wrong... until MY kids hit that stage. Then I had to eat crow.

I think a big part of rolling with the changes as your kids experiment with independence is to lighten up, and not take it all so seriously. We have basic rules about respect for each other, at my house, but we somehow manage to avoid the major power struggles and shouting matches that defined my own teen years. A sense of humor helps.

[nolonger]

I can't stand it. My big kids are hardly perfect and we have had our problems with ds this year, but all in all he is a great kid who finally just exploded after being an "easy" baby and an "easy" child. His friends are pleasant and polite (albeit very mainstream mall-going types, which I'm simply not used to) and were very kind and helpful to me when he was going through his crisis. I still absolutely love teens in general and my own kids in particular. My son is absolutely delicious (and was as a toddler too) and my adult kids are helpful and a joy and I get so sick and tired of people assuming negative things about them.

ETA: glad to see you here, primalmommy; I decided not to move to Toledo after all, but appreciated all your advice ojn the homeschooling group and think of you frequently.

[lunabelly]

The thing that makes me sad is that dd has bought into this stereotype of teens and believes that she is going to turn evil when she hits the teen mark. Pointing out that dss is (usually) a very sweet teen has not convinced her otherwise.

[fhqwhgads]

I hated the teen assumption when I was one, and I still do to this day.

If every adult I knew hadn't assumed I would be a petty criminal when "-teen" got added to my age, I wouldn't have felt obligated to fit the role. If they were going to treat me like the stereotypical untrustworthy, lying, sneaking, evil teenager, well...might as well get all the bad fun that goes along with that anyways, right? Teenagers are some of the wittiest, funniest, most creative and inspiring people I ever had the pleasure of being around. There is a fervent intensity in teenagerhood that so many people forget or don't appreciate. I've got another decade to go before mine is one, but I really look forward to seeing the kind of person she is when she gets there.

[MillingNome]

Yep- it does get tiring. There is no more or less drama as far as I can tell. IME, it is just sometimes a little more complicated.

[anubis]

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe people for the most part do what is expected of them, and well, if you (general you, of course) make it clear that a teen is expected to be a lazy, manipulative, lying, stealing horndog, you shouldn't be too surprised if s/he turns out that way.