Getting tired of teen dread - Page 2

[Jeanne D'Arc]

I am going to be completely , utterly 100% honest.

I have major teen phobia. And I was only a teen myself
5 years ago.

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by Jeanne D'Arc

I am going to be completely , utterly 100% honest.

I have major teen phobia. And I was only a teen myself
5 years ago.

don't worry, teens are wonderful. Read this thread.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by anubis

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe people for the most part do what is expected of them, and well, if you (general you, of course) make it clear that a teen is expected to be a lazy, manipulative, lying, stealing horndog, you shouldn't be too surprised if s/he turns out that way.

I have to disagree. DSD is 14, and is getting "wow, you amaze me" letter for Christmas from me, so the way she handles herself is not the problem (any more than she was a little anyway). At the same time, I NEVER expected her to chop up her hair "emo" style, toss all other colors other than black and black to the side, and start listening to loud, scary (heheh) bands I've never heard of.

I didn't grow up in the US, and the whole culture differed from the US a great deal, yet our teenage years were the most troublesome and worriesome for my parents as well. Of course I'll agree that one shouldn't expect the worst from their child, but I'll always look at this stage of growing up as something challenging for both parents and kids.

I think your statement is putting a lot of blame on the parents who are having trouble with their kids, and invalidates their pains and worries... "If your kid does/says mean things, it's because you expected it, so it's your fault anyway!".

[anubis]

Originally Posted by Oriole

I have to disagree. DSD is 14, and is getting "wow, you amaze me" letter for Christmas from me, so the way she handles herself is not the problem (any more than she was a little anyway). At the same time, I NEVER expected her to chop up her hair "emo" style, toss all other colors other than black and black to the side, and start listening to loud, scary (heheh) bands I've never heard of.

I didn't grow up in the US, and the whole culture differed from the US a great deal, yet our teenage years were the most troublesome and worriesome for my parents as well. Of course I'll agree that one shouldn't expect the worst from their child, but I'll always look at this stage of growing up as something challenging for both parents and kids.

I think your statement is putting a lot of blame on the parents who are having trouble with their kids, and invalidates their pains and worries... "If your kid does/says mean things, it's because you expected it, so it's your fault anyway!".

I'm sorry, I should have been clearer there.

I know that teenagers go through a lot of changes, physically and otherwise. They're growing up and it's not always easy. And there will be challenges on both the parents' and the kid's side. However, I don't necessarily think challenge = bad. I mean, sometimes a teenager can be utterly disrespectful, that's for sure. But I'd be willing to bet that if the message sent to the kid is "you're disrespectful, manipulative and untrustworthy by definition because you're a teenager" rather than "in this instance you acted in a disrespectful manner", the outcome will be very different. The former is a character judgement based on an ugly stereotype, the latter is a judgement of the action.

I certainly don't mean to say that every single thing a kid does is because of something the parents did. I know I'm just as capable of disrespect now as I was at the age of 15. The only difference is that now people will tell me that what I did was unacceptable rather than that I am unacceptable due to the demographic I happen to fall in. And I react with much less defensiveness.

Again, I don't mean to say that all conflict means that there's something lacking in parenting. Of course not. Conflict can be a good learning experience for all parties involved. However, I stand by the assertion that if your (general you again) main argument as to why you're right and the kid is wrong is that s/he's a teenager and thus inherently wrong about things, you shouldn't be too surprised if s/he decides not to take your opinion into account when making decisions.

(FTR, I didn't grow up in the US either, nor do I live there now, but teen-phobia does seem to be quite prevalent in both of the countries I've lived in.)

[Lissacamille]

Teens are such a joy! they bring so much fun into our lives. Are they often a trial? Yes, yes, yes....especially getting them to clean up things/kitchen, etc. But mostly they love spending time with us and are very responsible; all of mine except the oldest is in college and doing well. We are so proud of them. They also have great positive friends and their friends tend to hang out here rather than elsewhere, probably because we have a large two-floor cabin that we reserve for the kids' use, so there is plenty of room for them.
Teens bring so much energy into life; I wouldn't trade my teens for the world.
However, I am not saying there haven't been problems and big fights - there have been. But very rarely. If you listen, listen, listen, you'll find that your teen really wants your attention. And that is what to give them.

[stickywicket67]

Originally Posted by primalmommy

There's nothing new about it. Once people quit rolling their eyes in sympathy because you have a newborn, they see you enjoying your baby and say, "Wait until he's TWO! Then you'll be sorry!" (I LOVED two. and three... and...)

Every stage of the growing up process will feature some veteran know-it-all mom warning that the party is over, and the next step will be awful.

Whenever I found a mom who admitted to loving her toddlers, or teens, or whatever, I was grateful. I try to be that person now for younger moms.

The flip side, from where I stand now with older kids, is moms of babies who are so sure (like I once was ) that THEIR perfect little child will never stomp a foot and say "NO!" at three, or be sarcastic as a teen. I knew just how parents of older kids were doing it all wrong... until MY kids hit that stage. Then I had to eat crow.

I think a big part of rolling with the changes as your kids experiment with independence is to lighten up, and not take it all so seriously. We have basic rules about respect for each other, at my house, but we somehow manage to avoid the major power struggles and shouting matches that defined my own teen years. A sense of humor helps.

:
i started to get those comments (about the teen years) when my ds was 6 weeks old!
i find the comments about teen girls are the worst, though. i got a lot of those when i was pg and didn't know if i was having a boy or a girl. and they were from women i would consider feminists! why would someone automatically think all teen girls are lying mean bimbos once they hit age 13? ugh! i think in general people don't really like or understand children, period.

[Jeanne D'Arc]

Originally Posted by BelovedK

don't worry, teens are wonderful. Read this thread.

thanks for the encouragement.

I've always had "issue" i guess with teens. Even when i was a teen myself
i did not like to be around other teens, with a few exceptions. I
haven't pin pointed exactly why i was like that, esp after age 15.

[sevenkids]

I actually find parenting teens sooooo much more fun than parenting younger children. I mean, I loved my kids when they were small and enjoyed them immensely, but now they are older and have their own interests and opinions, they are so much more interesting to talk to. There are rough spots, of course, they make unwise decisions and assert their opinions and want more freedom and do things I'm not crazy about at times. But for the most part, they are great fun and a joy to have around, and so are their friends.

[hottmama]

My oldest son is soon to be 5, and as much as I am already missing his babyhood, and wishing every year could last longer, I look forward to puberty and having a teenager. I like teenagers! I don't get the teen dread thing either. Especially about girls. The thing I regret most about not having a daughter is not getting to mother a girl through adolescence.

[annie68]

Hi I hope its ok to join in here as Im new?
I have 2 teenage boys..15 and 13 and I love them to bits.Theyre lovely,funny,clever,caring and doing brilliant at school.Of course there are bad teens,same as there are bad toddlers,adults and OAP's.It really is nonsense to tar them all the same!!!

[journeymom]

Maybe my daughter is really too young for me to join this conversation. She's twelve years old, thirteen in two months. But I'm enjoying my dd and her friends more and more every day. It's wonderful to see.

Originally Posted by Jenlaana

At the school he goes to, the kids are worse even than he is. They hit/punch/kick/insult/steal/etc so much that I am considering homeschooling my son again after only 2 weeks of public school. It may not be *all* the kids there, but its definitely enough that my son cannot go through a whole class period without being messed with or insulted or threatened by *someone*.

Honestly this sounds like an emergency situation. I wouldn't leave my child there for another day. Find a better public school, find a private school, start homeschooling, whatever, but don't let your son experience this any more.

[Momtwice]

Originally Posted by annie68

Hi I hope its ok to join in here as Im new?
I have 2 teenage boys..15 and 13 and I love them to bits.Theyre lovely,funny,clever,caring and doing brilliant at school.Of course there are bad teens,same as there are bad toddlers,adults and OAP's.It really is nonsense to tar them all the same!!!

If that doesn't come through, it's a big smiley face saying Welcome!

[Jenlaana]

Originally Posted by journeymom

Honestly this sounds like an emergency situation. I wouldn't leave my child there for another day. Find a better public school, find a private school, start homeschooling, whatever, but don't let your son experience this any more.

he doesnt freak out about it like I do, but we are still in the process of switching him to a new school. Unfortunately the only option other than homeschooling (which we did for the past 2 years and really both needed a break from) is private school. Being in the poor range financially makes that a big hardship and we are currently saving up his dad's newly started child support checks until we have enough to pay the entrance fees.

[jenniepaige]

Originally Posted by Jeanne D'Arc

I am going to be completely , utterly 100% honest.

I have major teen phobia. And I was only a teen myself
5 years ago.

Me too, only I'm a little older. I just remember how bad I was and my siblings AND like ALL my friends. I'm sure their not ALL that way, but I;m sure the vast majority are.

[UnschoolnMa]

I was a huge PITA when I was a teen, but my mom was parenting all alone and she was chronically ill. She wasn't as involved as I know she wanted to be... at least not in the healthy way she wanted to be. Instead we had a few years of "Do what I say or else" and I basically did everything but. It was unfortunate, but we made it out okay.

I use a lot of that experience as fuel for going another route. It sure can make it hard to relate to other parents of teens though.

[laoxinat]

Ot

Originally Posted by Jenlaana

he doesnt freak out about it like I do, but we are still in the process of switching him to a new school. Unfortunately the only option other than homeschooling (which we did for the past 2 years and really both needed a break from) is private school. Being in the poor range financially makes that a big hardship and we are currently saving up his dad's newly started child support checks until we have enough to pay the entrance fees.

Have you asked about scholarships? In our community, some of the pvt schools award them, and there is a charity that gives scholarships to deserving kiddos. Just a thought!

[SagMom]

Originally Posted by jenniepaige

I just remember how bad I was and my siblings AND like ALL my friends.

I got into trouble too--but my relationship with my parents and my relationship with my teens, are very different things. I was raised in a "You will do what I say because I'm the parent" household where there was no room for discussion, and respect was a one-way thing. I rebelled against their control.

I've made it a point, with my own kids, to not set up power struggles and I've worked hard to keep communication open and to treat them the way I'd want to be treated. I'm far from perfect, but I think my approach has made a difference--at least so far it has. I also don't come from the perspective that my kids are out to make me crazy/give me grey hairs etc. I hope they'll always know that I'm on their side.

I would not have wanted to be my parents--they believed the best parents were authoritarians and I did everything I could think of to break away from that--it amazes me that I'm here to talk about it and it would scare the hell out of me to have that relationship with my own kids.

[laoxinat]

I too LOVE my teen. Even though *I* was not the most present mama (ironically I was in Seminary at the time), she is just an absolute joy. She actually lives with her dad 20 minutes away because she wanted to attend a particular school. I feel really fortunate, because a lot of the common strain between mamas and daughters just isn't there. I love watching her develop her own values and ethics. It's like watching this ripple of awareness spread out from her, going further and further as she is able to integrate more and more layers. I am so so grateful to Naomi Aldort for her book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. It has really helped me to develop healthy boundaries and much better listening and validating skills. It's so interesting to me to see how effective it is to let go of expectation (my own) and stay in the present. It's when the internal dialogue kicks in that I am then dealing not with my kid, but with the memory of being a teen, and all of the cr*p my parents projected onto us. Just becoming aware that I was checking out was a real eye opener. Being present is so very important to teens. And since this is the age that "checking out" behavior often gets started, whether with drugs, alcohol or whatever, it is important to model being present for your life. I love teens, too. Yea, people think I'm crazy.

[Realcraftymama]

Teens are great! They're funny and smart, they can run errands for you, teen boys are very strong and can move things like sleeper sofas and pianos, and who can navigate the internet better than a teen? Huh? Teens are wonderful.

[UUMom]

My 18 yr old is coming home from college on Friday and I get a throbbing heart beat when I think of it. I woke this morning feeling like I was 5 and it was almost Christmas. His sibs have great plans (Risk marathons, fire in the fire pit at night, movies, Mexican fiestas- he and his girl friend are good cooks! etc). He and his 14 yr old brother were chatting on the phone last night and the younger brother was so excited-- "You can go to all my basketball games for a whole month!" The 8 yr old called into the mouth piece, "You can give me a lot of paino lessons in a month!"

To have all my ducklings at home. :sigh:

Yeah, teens are great. Kids don't turn into anything other than older. What was lovely about them in childhood (humor, compassion, whatever) stays, but is stronger, funnier, more polished etc.