Getting tired of teen dread - Page 4

[MamaLisa1]

I think when people say that, they are trying to be understanding or sympathetic to the teen years. The great majority of the time, teen years are somewhat frustrating for parents, and are a scarier time because they are doing things that could be dangerous to them...and it's also a time when we become less parental to them and are pushing the birdies out of the nest, so to speak. I think parents feel the need to form a parents of teens camaraderie of sorts. It's proven that teen brains don't function the way an adult brain does, which accounts for some of their sometimes unusual behaviors and poor decision making skills. My teenagers are MUCH better teenagers than I was. That said, they do have horrible mood swings at times, the driving thing makes me insanely nervous (and the fact that two of my daughter's friends totaled their cars recently doesn't help), I cannot stand the thought of my kids having sex...because to me, they are still my babies, and that's something you do to MAKE babies!
But....I LOVE my teenagers. I like having their friends around MUCH more than I did when they were in say, 2nd grade! They are interesting to talk to, and all unique in their own ways. It's fun to watch them grow into adults, and the paths they all take along the way.
If someone says something like that and it's bothersome, just say "nah...I don't mind the teen phase at all...it's all good!" or something along those lines. And..feel fortunate that you aren't experiencing some of the problems that other parents are. (I have a friend whose daughter has been having frequent sex with multiple people since 13 and smokes pot, drinks, has been caught shoplifting and skips school. Their other daughter is pre-med in college...)

[mamameg]

Originally Posted by UUMom

I wonder if there are any older kids around that you trust who might let him tag along sometimes?

Not really. He is in special ed at the high school (only one in town) and the mainstreamed kids don't like hanging around with the special ed kids. We have also had some bad experiences with him socializing with a set of teens who do hang around with special ed kids. They are abusive and I think hang out with the delayed kids so they can feel like they have the upper hand with them. Hanging with these kids, he has been called the n-word several times (he is biracial) and been in more than one fight with one boy in particular, but he so desperately wants to hang around the "normal kids" (his words) he is willing to put up with their abuse. We are not comfortable allowing that.

In addition, as they are getting older, DSS has also told us that these kids drink alcohol and smoke pot and those things are not an option for DSS, as he has a medical condition for which drugs and alcohol could land him in the hospital, even comatose or dead.

I'm not trying to derail the thread. I just honestly felt so envious reading about all these cool teens who are so much fun to be around. I actually don't come to this board very often because I just feel like a lot of the solutions that are used here (talking things out, etc) just don't work with our teen.

[mamameg]

Originally Posted by UUMom

Also, I've noticed over the years that perfectly lovely young teens sometimes feel sullen or surly (just as adults do lol) and that is hormones...sometimes it's better to let them be, but let them know you are there for them. I've said many times to my kids "I know you feel twisted inside. That's notmal, it's ok, and it will pass. Your body is changing along with your brain. It's gets crazy in there with so much growing ito be done". I am always about normalizing certain emnotional passages. Kids can sometimes be afraid of what they are feeling, and if they know it's partly biological, they can feel safer. I try to make sure there is some pleasantry at those times as well. Pizza, a rented DVD (Adam Sandler makes us all feel better lol), kind words etc.

Thanks for the reminder of this. I am in a really low place about all this right now, so I know I am focusing too much on the negative and forgetting that a lot of what he is going through is perfectly normal. I have a hard time keeping perspective (and then passing that on to him) because I just feel so piled on all the time. Between him and my two little ones (ages 3.5yr and 20 mo), most days I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. Feeling like I'm drowning in kids and needs and complaints doesn't exactly manifest my best parenting moments, yk? I will hold onto this post of yours and keep it handy as a reminder.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by mamameg

Not really. He is in special ed at the high school (only one in town) and the mainstreamed kids don't like hanging around with the special ed kids. We have also had some bad experiences with him socializing with a set of teens who do hang around with special ed kids. They are abusive and I think hang out with the delayed kids so they can feel like they have the upper hand with them. Hanging with these kids, he has been called the n-word several times (he is biracial) and been in more than particular, but he so desperately wants to hang around the "normal kids" (his words) he is willing to put up with their abuse. We are not comfortable allowing that.

In addition, as they are getting older, DSS has also told us that these kids drink alcohol and smoke pot and those things are not an option for DSS, as he has a medical condition for which drugs and alcohol could land him in the hospital, even comatose or dead.

I'm not trying to derail the thread. I just honestly felt so envious reading about all these cool teens who are so much fun to be around. I actually don't come to this board very often because I just feel like a lot of the solutions that are used here (talking things out, etc) just don't work with our teen.

How sad. My 14 yr old goes to a special ed program every friday and plays checkers with a 16 yr old there, and he has told me how sweet the boy is and how excited he always is to see him (my son) arrive. So I can only imagine the pain your son is in-- he wants to have a teen friend, some semblance of 'normal' interaction with other teens. I'm sorry it's so hard.

[majazama]

I've had people comment (my girls are 3 1/2 and 5 yo) that you're going to have your hands full when they get to be teenagers.: I actually tell them that I look forward to teenagehood w/ them.

Not all teenagers are raging, uncontrollable psychos. and I really don't think mine will be at all. I was not, so why should they be?

[mamameg]

Originally Posted by UUMom

How sad. My 14 yr old goes to a special ed program every friday and plays checkers with a 16 yr old there, and he has told me how sweet the boy is and how excited he always is to see him (my son) arrive. So I can only imagine the pain your son is in-- he wants to have a teen friend, some semblance of 'normal' interaction with other teens. I'm sorry it's so hard.

It IS sad and I feel the pain he is in. But at the same time, I resent being the person he takes all of his frustrations out on. He keeps himself in line at school, doesn't pull this stuff with his dad (who works and has a long commute, therefore isn't' around nearly enough), and only sees his mom every other weekend and she's the super star mom who makes him do no chores, takes him to at least one movie every visit, buys him whatever he wants, etc. I get the brunt of it and its wearing me down.

BTW, I think its really sweet that your son does that for the special ed kids. That boy probably looks forward to that every week!

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by mamameg

It IS sad and I feel the pain he is in. But at the same time, I resent being the person he takes all of his frustrations out on. He keeps himself in line at school, doesn't pull this stuff with his dad (who works and has a long commute, therefore isn't' around nearly enough), and only sees his mom every other weekend and she's the super star mom who makes him do no chores, takes him to at least one movie every visit, buys him whatever he wants, etc. I get the brunt of it and its wearing me down.

A lot of this sounds like very typical teenage angst along with dealing with a blended family and new half-siblings, which can make any child feel not quite part of the family anymore. All of that is difficult in itself without having developmental issues on top of it all. We've gone through a very similar situation here. I have a now 16yo ds from a previous relationship and my dp and I have an almost 4yo and almost 7 month together. DS1 was also diagnosed with ADHD when he was around 6 or 7. DS1 and I have talked many times about him not feeling like a complete part of our family. He actually recently moved in with his bio dad, who he doesn't have to share. I've also had to deal with taking care of all the kids on my own since my dh has been deployed for almost a year now. I'm not trying to dismiss or minimize the issues with your dss' developmental delays. They are obviously challenging. Just thinking that maybe if you change your perspective a little to see that a lot of it is normal teenage and life stuff might help you deal with it all, which it seems you already figured out a couple of posts ago.

Since your dss can't hang with the other kids at school, what about a big brother/mentor type program? Is there anything like that in your community?

[bjorker]

Thank-you so much for this thread.
I have an extremely hard time with this.
I think I still have left-over feelings from when I was a teen and had a horrible time with my peers. So ever since then, I've felt uncomfortable around teenagers unless it was obvious that they were a kind and caring sort. But really, the very last thing I would ever want to do is make assumptions about anybody's character without actually getting to know them. That is extremely important to me. It's just hard to remember NOT to be like that when it's kind of like a trigger for me. Does that make any sense? It's almost like I feel that they're still out to get me, which is ridiculous.

I also do have a hard time with the "dread" for dd to be that age as well, but I think that's again because of my own past issues. I think it's more an issue of being scared of the unknown, when that was such a sad & scary time for me.

I am working on this. I definitely don't want to project my own issues on dd or anybody else. I detest the idea of judging anyone for something as silly as age. Hell, when *I* was a teenager, I hated feeling like people were doing that to me, which seemed to be a common occurrence. And anyway, I don't really think that anybody's teenager is bad. All of you mamas sound like you have truly wonderful children.

I too think this happens with children in general. I've heard my share of "terrible two" comments about dd from people that don't even know her. They rarely seem serious, though.