This has become a favorite phrase for my 4.75-year-old twins, courtesy of one of their best friends at school (not that it wouldn't have necessarily shown up around now anyway). After months of trying to figure out the best way to respond, dw and I are at a loss.
Our initial response when this started at the beginning of the summer (so about 6 months ago), was to be very serious and say something like, "that really hurts my feelings. I understand that you're angry, but you need to think of a better way to tell me." When they saw how hurt we were by their use of the word "hate," it only made them start to use it more. So our next strategy was to try to remove all the power from the word. Whenever they said that they hated something, or us, we'd act as if they'd said that they loved it. "Oh really? You love me so much? I love you too baby!" (said in all seriousness, not sarcastic). This infuriated them, and also seemed to help for a while (especially for one of them), but after about a month the H-word crept back in and we no longer seemed to be able to keep up with the pretending. We tried just ignoring it for a while--giving no response at all. But lately we've both been feeling like it's just too much to take. Sometimes I really feel like I just want to cry when they yell it at me. And I can't imagine ever having said "I hate you!" to my parents as a kid (I didn't even say it as a teenager, although dw did at 15 and she feels like her relationship with her mom has never been the same--it was a huge deal). It just would not have been okay. Why do my kids think it's okay? Our latest strategy is to respond with "we don't use that word in our family." And then we say the sentence that they could have used instead, i.e. "I am so mad at you right now."
But I really feel like each day of "I hate you!" is pushing me closer to the edge. Anytime I say no about *anything* I get yelled at with "I hate you!" (even if it's something totally absurd like, "can I have an ice cream cone for dinner?"). Does anyone have any other ideas of how we could respond? Is this just one of those phases? Is there anything we can do at all?
Thanks!
Lex
Our initial response when this started at the beginning of the summer (so about 6 months ago), was to be very serious and say something like, "that really hurts my feelings. I understand that you're angry, but you need to think of a better way to tell me." When they saw how hurt we were by their use of the word "hate," it only made them start to use it more. So our next strategy was to try to remove all the power from the word. Whenever they said that they hated something, or us, we'd act as if they'd said that they loved it. "Oh really? You love me so much? I love you too baby!" (said in all seriousness, not sarcastic). This infuriated them, and also seemed to help for a while (especially for one of them), but after about a month the H-word crept back in and we no longer seemed to be able to keep up with the pretending. We tried just ignoring it for a while--giving no response at all. But lately we've both been feeling like it's just too much to take. Sometimes I really feel like I just want to cry when they yell it at me. And I can't imagine ever having said "I hate you!" to my parents as a kid (I didn't even say it as a teenager, although dw did at 15 and she feels like her relationship with her mom has never been the same--it was a huge deal). It just would not have been okay. Why do my kids think it's okay? Our latest strategy is to respond with "we don't use that word in our family." And then we say the sentence that they could have used instead, i.e. "I am so mad at you right now."
But I really feel like each day of "I hate you!" is pushing me closer to the edge. Anytime I say no about *anything* I get yelled at with "I hate you!" (even if it's something totally absurd like, "can I have an ice cream cone for dinner?"). Does anyone have any other ideas of how we could respond? Is this just one of those phases? Is there anything we can do at all?
Thanks!
Lex
: b/c it seems to really upset you.
This in the moment. I especially like things like "you sound really angry, what's going on?" because it helps give a child other words to express those strong feelings while at the same time validating their feelings and empathizing (which can help a kid calm down, and open up opportunity for problem-solving together). eta A pp touched on this, but I wanted to add that I've found that when doing this it helps to listen first without saying that I don't like that word (so nothing like "I hear that you're angry, but you may not use that word. You can tell me another way"--that's really not validating, that's breezing right by the child's concern to get to yours). It's not that my concern about using the word "hate" is unimportant, but that my kids are going to be much more open to my concern after I've really listened to them. I think that in general, when we say "I know you feel that way, but..." to anyone, it shuts down communication because the other person doesn't feel heard, and in fact we aren't really listening them when we do this.
