Please help! agressive, negative 4 1/2 year old

[abeliamama]

I don't post here regularly but was hoping you could help. My 4 1/2 year old son has become increasingly negative and aggressive. It started with him hitting and hurting me while nursing at around two years and has gotten so bad that his preschool teacher has reports daily as to his inappropriate behavior. Example: yesterday at school at child fell off of her tricycle and her leg was stuck in it and she was crying and my DS keep ramming his tricycle into her while she was down. Today at gymnastics he apparently kicked a girl in the face and then squeezed her arm very hard. These are things that I would be very upset about if he were on the receiving end. In both instances I asked him if he would like to apologize and he did, willingly. He is segregated during nap time because he can't keep his hands to himself. He is also very negative. I commented on a beautiful sunset and he said, "I hate it". That normal for him. He is loud and pitched fits everywhere. He has no friends and seems to have low self esteem. He seems to thrive on negative attention. I try to ignore the negative (within reason) and praise the positive. His sister is well behaved for the most part and never gets in trouble at school. Not to compare, but I don't think it's his home environment. We could work on diet, exercise and sleep but i don't think anyone of those is so deficient as to cause his behavior. We model kindness and empathy at home. We are sad to see him so obviously unhappy. Sorry to ramble but I'm getting desperate which is why I'm up out of bed at 1:00 am writ:tng this. Thanks!

[DariusMom]

Couldn't read and not post. I'm so sorry.

Would the preschool teachers have any suggestions for someone you could see? I don't necessarily mean a counselor, though that might help get to the bottom of some of this, but maybe drama/art/play training or role playing kind of stuff?

I suggest this because my nearly 5 year old is on the other end of the spectrum -- highly sensitive, not at all physical, very gentle, but will cry at the drop of a hat, etc. The pre-school teacher suggested a sort of play/art/role playing training for young kids to help them deal better with their emotions. I live in Holland, so I'm not sure this training would exist where you are, but you could investigate it.

You may also want to see about a physical evaluation, if you haven't already. At least to check that off your list.

Hang in there. You sound like a loving mama who is doing your best. I know it's hard not to feel that this is a reflection on you, but try to view it instead as a challenge for you to find the best way to help your DS.

[abeliamama]

Thanks for replying. His teacher has suggested some sort of counselor through the school district. We have our conference on Monday and will discuss this. Is he angry...scared...overly controlled? What is at the root of this? Does anyone else have aggressive children who has practiced GD to the best of their ability?

[abeliamama]

I see from another post that dairy can activate aggression. My son loves dairy. He subsists on yogurt, keifer, soy milk, peanut butter, fruit, brocolli and carrots. I going to look into the Fiengold program.

Does anyone have any other ideas?

By the way he had a good day at school today. He got named "star student" for the day and was in a great mood. I have no idea why today went so much better.

[misseks]

Have you considered Unconditional Parenting - Alfie Kohn...you mentioned that you ignore negative behaviour and praise positive...it may be (and I'm just shooting from the chin here, so don't take this as criticism, but rather just a suggestion) that he has become a bit of a praise junkie, so maybe he is 'conditioned' so to speak to needing a reaction to everything he does. And as such, he has found that he always gets a reaction for negative things....

Maybe he needs to learnn a bit that he doesn't always need a grown up to be commenting on his actions, KWIM? It's a great book, and it may be useful in this situation.

Hugs.

[almama]

There is are a lot of possibilities and it seems you are doing your very best with a hard situation.

Have you tried to actually write down the times that he seems in control, happy, and resilient'; as well as the times when he is having challenges? Does he react more intensely after a school day, or when playing with other kids? What kinds of kids -all or just the ones who make him nervous or the ones who make him feel safe? Are there activities that seem to satisfy him? One on one reading or cuddling? Do you spend a chunk of floor time with him each day just playing (while gently trying to help him process his day?)?

It may help you if you have a bit more information about the triggers. Best of luck.

[abeliamama]

I will start a chart of sleep/food/exercise/activities. I'm also going to research food triggers and this Fiengold Diet I read about in another post. I bought a book on sensory issues, "Your Out of Sync Child. It didn't quite describe him, but I might reread it. I will try "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn, too. Thanks, Misseks.

It's hard to describe the whole picture in in just one post! I don't always praise or ignore negative, but try not to react to his negativity like "I hate the sunset". I do say, hitting hurts, it's not acceptable and ask how he would feel if someone hurt him. I don't take any suggestions as critisism, keep 'em coming!

I do work 30 hrs. a week and am very busy, especially this time of year, so he doesn't get as much one on one as I would like. I'm in the room, talking to him but not giving him undivided attention a whole lot. We do cuddle and talk every night and I stay with him until he falls asleep.

His preschool is a public school and they really force compliance. I'm afraid it may be too controlled. Maybe between me and DH, his sometimes bossy (but sweet!) older sister and school he gets told what to do too much. I do offer choices, blue shirt or green, water or milk, etc.

I'm just brainstorming for ideas...it's my nature to get tons of information (research) and then come up with a gameplan.

I am still wondering if any of you dealt with aggression in a preschooler and if you found something that helped.

I'm always so inspired by posts I read on this board.

[Autumn Mama]

Originally Posted by abeliamama

I do work 30 hrs. a week and am very busy, especially this time of year, so he doesn't get as much one on one as I would like. I'm in the room, talking to him but not giving him undivided attention a whole lot. We do cuddle and talk every night and I stay with him until he falls asleep.

His preschool is a public school and they really force compliance. I'm afraid it may be too controlled. Maybe between me and DH, his sometimes bossy (but sweet!) older sister and school he gets told what to do too much. I do offer choices, blue shirt or green, water or milk, etc.

In my experience with a GD (gentle discipline) approach preschool, compliance required for that tender age group is highly unrealistic and could be triggering an overload of emotional processing that he's simply not developmentally old enough to work through yet. It sounds as though the pressure to comply and the stimulation of so many children around him (who have the same unrealistic expectations placed on them, and could be highly stressed as well) is too much. If he is an introverted child by temperament, too much noise stimulus (ie the crying child on the trike) could send him over the top. Ramming that child may have been the only way that made sense to him to get the child to stop so he could regain the quiet his brain was needing. Am I making sense? Preschools tend to really move activities along quickly, too, and the transitions required of small kids is crazy sometimes! : My DS is sensitive to timing when being spoken too. When he's tired or needing recharging time (something introverts need ALOT of, IMO) he will respond rudely. Simply because his coping abilities have run dry. Recharging and granting him this time works wonders, though, and he will invite conversation and sharing at that point.

Children involved in classes after an already busy day can overload and spill over behaviour-wise. Obviously, certain reactions to other class-mates is unacceptable, but have you considered that maybe your child is simply not ready for that level of structured activity yet?
Sometimes they need us to decode things a little...

Could you seek out a different preschool with a more developmentally appropriate curriculum and gentler teaching environment? Just a thought...

Good luck with this...

[abeliamama]

He was in a Montessori school last year, and the aggressive behavior was going on there, too. That's really about it here for "gentler" schools. We had some major issues with the administration at that school and the teacher wasn't as GD as we had hoped. Anyway, for financial reasons he is in public now. I see what you mean by running out of coping abilities, and yes, he is introverted. He needs to be alone in his room to process. He will do puzzles for hours or play with building toys. I had already decided no more activities. It was stressing him out. I had just hoped the physical activity of gymnastics would be good for him, as he doesn't really run much without a structured activity. I guess I better put on my sneakers and run with him! Actually I've tried to get him out in the yard and get him to chase me, play, etc, but he always says, "I'm too tired". Your response gives me something to discuss with the teacher tomorrow in our conference. I think trying to fit in and play at school really stressed him out. He wants someone to play with but doesn't know how to go about it.. The hitting, etc. doesn't help his situation. It breaks my heart to think of him with noone to play with on the playground when everyone else seems to play so naturally.

[mashenka]

I am so sorry you are coping with aggression. It is hard to be the one whose child gets hurt, but just as hard to be the parent whose child is causing hurt. I've been that parent, too. DS is 4 and we had experienced a lot of aggression in him since he was 2.5 or so [if not earlier].

We eliminated dairy several months ago and saw a HUGE improvement in the aggression. Before eliminating dairy he would regularly get frustrated and threaten to bite or hit us. He would bite and hit his baby sister. We were racking our brains trying to tweak our GD approach and wondering how our child was so very far from being gentle.

We also got the out of sync books and explored spd and discovered that he did indeed have it. His triggers were playground activities [this was after dairy elimination, prior to dairy elimination everything was a trigger it seemed]. We now think that his vestibular and proprioceptive dysfunction caused him so much frustration [and physical discomfort] that he dealt with it by lashing out.

It is hard to be a sensitive preschooler in a rather rigid environment. If you can get a day off or two and watch him play you might be able to spot the triggers better than the teachers would. Sounds like they are just looking for compliance. That's not a bad thing, of course, but a necessary one with a lot of kids.

Is there any possibility of getting him into a home care situation? I know that that involves $$$$$$$$ but it sounds like your son is just not coping well in that environment. I think that children who have been listened to in the way parents who practice GD listen and respect their kids, resort to aggression when they are feeling so strongly about something and can't express it in any other way. It's like shouting with your body [also true when they are hurting of course].

Good luck. I know it's hard. Please don't beat yourself up for what you are or aren't doing as a parent. If you are here and asking about it, you must be doing it right.