child in my care biting my child

[monkeysmommy]

Every monday morning, I take care of Annika, who is 17 mos old, in my home. For the most part, she is a joy. She is an active, intelligent, vibrant little girl with a great sense of humor. The problem is that whenever I turn my back, she bites my daughter, hard. She also tries to do it when she thinks I can't see her. Most of the time, I deal with this by not ever taking my eyes off her, and when she goes in for the chomp, I gently move her face away from the flesh she is trying to get to, and say, "No biting. Biting hurts. If you want to bite something, you can bite this." and then I give her a teething ring or something. However, I cannot keep my eyes on her every second, as I have to prepare meals for the girls, go to the bathroom, etc. Last Monday I was taping some paper to the coffee table for the girls to color on, trying to do something nice and fun for them, and my daughter starts howling and runs over to me holding out her arm, and there is this *ugly* red welt on her arm. I was so angry! I started yelling (I know, not effective) "ANNIKA I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR BITING!!! " I put her in the bedroom and told her she could not play with us for a little while. She was completely unfazed, and simply wandered back out after a few seconds and asked for something to eat. A few minutes later, she was trying again to bite my daughter. Luckily I was able to intervene this time and was also able to keep my cool. I discussed her behavior with her mother at pickup time, and the mother said that she had stopped biting at home. I discussed the possibility of opening our Packnplay and using it for time outs if she bit in the future. I have been using redirection with her for many months and I have seen no results. I am not a big fan of the time out, but for violent behavior, perhaps it could be viewed as more of a natural consequence: if you hurt people, you don't get to be around people.

What do y'all think? Is this a good idea, or is she too young for this type of discipline? Do I just have to keep my eyes glued to her every second she is at our house until she is a little older?

I posted this also in the toddler forum

TIA!


08-14-2003 04:31 PM

[delphine]

I had a similar problem with my 16 month old son. He would only bite me. I don't really have any advice, I am hoping that someone here will have a good solution. I will say that i think, with my ds, it's mostly a way to communicate something with me. Because he can't verbally communicate very well yet, he is using biting to express himself. The method that works best for us, is that I try to redirect him to another activity.

[mamaduck]

I'm not sure how old your dd is??

I would focus mostly on prevention. I would not leave them alone together for even a second. If I absolutely HAD to for some reason, I would put Annika in the pack and play as a last resort preventative measure (not as a punishment in this situation, but in order to keep them separated while you leave the room for a minute.)

I would also try to get to the reason behind her behavior. What sort of attention might she be craving? What is off kilter in her little world that makes her want to do this over and over again? There might be nothing -- it might just be a phase. Or, there might be some way to adjust the environment so she is less driven to this. I don't know.

I go back and forth on the "time out as a consequence" idea. For my kids who are 3 and 6, absolutely -- if they hurt someone intentionally, they take a time out. Just like you said, the logical conseqence of hurting people is being required to take some time away from people. BUT -- I'm not comfortable with this approach for a 17 mo. old. She has no real concept of the pain she is causing. Yes, she likes to get the reaction. But she is not old enough to empathize with what it feels like for your dd to get bitten, and she is not old enough to recognize the magnitude of her behavior. Not only that, but being on "time out" is so hugely upsetting to a little person that age who depends so much on adults for their sense of self.

At the same time..... it does seem like you have to do something, right? And Annika spending a few minutes in the pack and play as a punishment is probably not as bad for her as being screamed at, and definately not as bad as your dd continuing to be victimized.

So, I guess I'm saying (in my long winded way) that if you decide to use the time out in the pack and play -- I think it will probably work and she will stop biting. AND -- I think I would probably go this route myself. But I do feel some reservations, and I would watch closely to see how she reacts to it. And I would focus first and foremost on preventing it, and continuing to provide teethers for her is a great thing also.

[mamaduck]

As I posted all that, I remembered that when my youngest was 18 mos. he started hitting his brother. My dh started giving him "time outs" for hitting -- but not alone. Dh would sit on the steps and hold ds in his arms for like 2 minutes, telling him that its not okay to hit and that he had to sit down for 2 minutes until he was ready to play without hitting.

We never left him isolated, but for some reason this approach worked for him. I'm not sure you could manage this with 2 little ones to chase, but you might think about it.

[monkeysmommy]

Thanks for the reply, Mamaduck. My daughter is 16 mos. I don't think I could hold Annika in my arms after biting dd, because my dd would be jealous and would think I was rewarding Annika. But a time out not in isolation sounds like a good idea. Maybe I could put her in the pack and play while I comforted dd and stay in the room with her? I wouldn't leave her in there for more than a minute, I think.

Hopefully, it won't come to that.

Would say more but dd fussing!

[delphine]

MamaDuck, I appreciated your reply as well. Your approach is gentle, but appropriate. I really like that. I get so frustrated when ds bites me. Usually dh takes him and holds him for a few minutes and that works.
Anyway, I am going to use some of your suggestions with my ds.

[LoveBeads]

When my DD was in preschool, I asked the preschool teacher how she would handle a biter if there was one in the class (thankfully, we didn't have any). She told me that after a one bite incident, the parents are told that they need to come in (or just one of the parents) and be there to discipline the child if he/she attempted to bite again. If the child bit again, they would not be permitted to return until they were more mature. In short, she had a "two bites and you're out" rule.

May sound harsh but she didn't fool around with biting - it can cause serious damage. I personally wouldn't have a biter around my child, if she bites your child in the face she can cause scarring not to mention that it is just very traumatic for your daughter.

I don't believe that at 17 months old she will be able to understand and learn from the experience, she's just a baby. I don't think time outs will be effective at that age either.

I'm sorry, it may not be what you want to hear but I think your daughter's welfare has to come first. If your daughter was the biter, you would probably not want to expose other children to her as well.

[chicagomom]

It sounds like you've been handling it very well so far - keeping an eye on her, redirecting, giving something else to bite, etc.

Did her mom say how the biting was resolved at home? I know some kids who continue to bite do so because their parents try to 'cure' them by hitting them, which doesn't address the underlying cause and can send the message 'violence is ok when you're frustrated.'

Do you have a sense of what is triggering the bite? Is it a toy issue? Jealousy over your time? Fatigue? Remember that she's doing this because she's genuinely frustrated with something, and she's pre-verbal so she can't tell you what it is. If it's all the time, maybe it's a mommy separation issue? How to deal with it depends in part on what it is (aside from just telling mom she can't be around your child anymore, which is perfectly reasonable). Is she getting some new teeth and her mouth hurts?

I wouldn't make her play in the pack and play or give her time outs - she's too young to understand/associate consequences/punishment with biting and it might just frustrate her and escalate the biting. In a pinch, I'd put my child in a sling and carry her with me while I do my necessary stuff, or put the other girl in a high chair with a toy/activity while I do my stuff. The rest of the time I'd just do as you've been doing - don't let her out of my sight when they're playing together and continue to redirect/intervene and monitor to see if I could figure out what is behind the biting. Good luck!

Carolyn

[monkeysmommy]

Thanks for the reply. The mom is definately not hitting her child. They have been using redirection at home and it has pretty much worked for them. It doesn't seem like she is doing it out of frustration, it seems more like she does it out of curiosity and fascination. She may be too old to understand consequences, but she does understand that she isn't supposed to bite people. The reason I think this is because one time I told her not to bite Gina and she grabbed a rubber toy and said, "Bite this?" (She's very verbal.) I said "Yes, you may bite that all you want." I was really excited when she said that because I thought we had made some progress but I guess with little ones it takes a while to really get it. I guess she could have more teeth coming but she has 16 already and she is only 17 months old. I think she just has some sort of sensory need to bite and also when dd screams, I think she enjoys her reaction, sort of like pushing a button on a noisy toy. I don't think she understands that it hurts her. That's a good idea to just carry dd with me if I need to turn my back. I don't think I will use time outs after all.

Thanks for the input, all. I'm fairly new at taking care of toddlers and I want to do a good job.