How do you handle needless crying and tantrums?

[eastkygal]

I'm truly at a loss and feel stressed out a lot of the time lately. My DD does alot of needless crying and tantrum throwing. She'll do it much at times when I can do nothing for her. Like while I'm driving, she'll decide she wants a certain toy, or she'll cry because she wanted to go down another street. In the Waldorf school parking lot she screams because she doesn't want to hold hands to walk to the car. I can't carry her or let her run free... I'm preggo and not moving fast. She cries when she needs a diaper change because she'd rather sit in feces then stop what she is doing to clean up. I just don't know what to do... those are just a few examples of what sets her off. I've never been one to be able to tolerate much crying out of young children (infant crying is sooo different). I'm truly doing the best I can to keep it together. I've tried talking calmly with her. Giving her time-in. I have raised my voice (unfortunately in frustration). I've tried reasoning (can't reason with a 2 yr. old). Now, I mostly just ignore it until she gives up, except in situations where I can't and then we just struggle as gently as I can manage. Please... is there anything else I can do?

[jkg]

I have no advice, just hugs.

We are going through something similiar with my 2 1/2 year old DS. The slightest thing can set off a tantrum...his mitten falling off, the neighbor's Christmas lights not turned on when he wants to see them (!), etc. I've been trying to calmly let him know that I understand he is frustrated with these situations, but of course that does not stop the crying and tantrums. So I'll be watching this thread to see what others say...

[alegna]

Sympathize. See if you can do anything to help the situation. Then keep on with what must be done.



-Angela

[monkey's mom]

The toddler years are just hard. Poke around this forum--most of the threads are about challenging toddler behavior. It's just tough times!

You might like this: http://www.mothering.com/articles/gr.../tantrums.html

It's an article on new ways to see tantrums--very insightful and helped me a lot.

The other thing that might help is to reframe your perception of your child "needlessly" crying to seeing it as a means of communication--crude, as it is, but still a message to anyone who can hear. Mostly I think it's, "ARRRRGGGGHHHH! I am so frustrated!!! I want to do it myself and I CAN'T!!" Quite possibly what it might feel like to a stroke victim--sharp mental capacity, but a body that won't follow.

Something else that might help is to do an "autonomy checklist." (I love this idea--it's from another list I'm on.) You just sort play anthropologist or scientist and examine your child as s/he moves through the day. And you take notice of all the things that are blockades to his/her autonomy. Like, not being able to reach their own food or drink, not being able to handle their own poop/pee, having to stop playing before they're done, having to go to a boring store when they don't want to, not being able to run willy-nilly through the parking lot, not being able to lay on the grocery store floor when they're tired, hearing "no" "not right now" "in a minute" lots and lots, etc., etc., etc. And then you, the scientist, kind of go down that list and try to find ways to give the child more autonomy and choices and "yeses."

So even things that seem like a cut-and-dry, "No way. Just can't," like the parking lot one, can turn into a series of empowering choices. "OK we gotta cross the parking lot, you want to hold onto my jacket or can I hold your back pack or you could hang onto my purse? Which would you prefer?" Or being mindful of, "Hang on--just a minute," when it really could be, "Sure, why not? Let's do that now."

I've found that when they're less frustrated by all the things that are just inherently NOT toddler-friendly in our worlds, and they see us working to help them get what they want and being on their team more times than not, the frustration and the tantrums and freak-outs go waaay down.

So there's my 10 cents! Good luck and hang in there!!

[lovemyfamily6]

Originally Posted by monkey's mom

Something else that might help is to do an "autonomy checklist." (I love this idea--it's from another list I'm on.) You just sort play anthropologist or scientist and examine your child as s/he moves through the day. And you take notice of all the things that are blockades to his/her autonomy. Like, not being able to reach their own food or drink, not being able to handle their own poop/pee, having to stop playing before they're done, having to go to a boring store when they don't want to, not being able to run willy-nilly through the parking lot, not being able to lay on the grocery store floor when they're tired, hearing "no" "not right now" "in a minute" lots and lots, etc., etc., etc. And then you, the scientist, kind of go down that list and try to find ways to give the child more autonomy and choices and "yeses."

So even things that seem like a cut-and-dry, "No way. Just can't," like the parking lot one, can turn into a series of empowering choices. "OK we gotta cross the parking lot, you want to hold onto my jacket or can I hold your back pack or you could hang onto my purse? Which would you prefer?" Or being mindful of, "Hang on--just a minute," when it really could be, "Sure, why not? Let's do that now."

I've found that when they're less frustrated by all the things that are just inherently NOT toddler-friendly in our worlds, and they see us working to help them get what they want and being on their team more times than not, the frustration and the tantrums and freak-outs go waaay down.

So there's my 10 cents! Good luck and hang in there!!

I'm just going to follow you around today saying thank you for the idea and reminders.

The stroke victim analogy was a good one too.

[moodymaximus]

Originally Posted by monkey's mom

The toddler years are just hard. Poke around this forum--most of the threads are about challenging toddler behavior. It's just tough times!

You might like this: http://www.mothering.com/articles/gr.../tantrums.html

It's an article on new ways to see tantrums--very insightful and helped me a lot.

The other thing that might help is to reframe your perception of your child "needlessly" crying to seeing it as a means of communication--crude, as it is, but still a message to anyone who can hear. Mostly I think it's, "ARRRRGGGGHHHH! I am so frustrated!!! I want to do it myself and I CAN'T!!" Quite possibly what it might feel like to a stroke victim--sharp mental capacity, but a body that won't follow.

Something else that might help is to do an "autonomy checklist." (I love this idea--it's from another list I'm on.) You just sort play anthropologist or scientist and examine your child as s/he moves through the day. And you take notice of all the things that are blockades to his/her autonomy. Like, not being able to reach their own food or drink, not being able to handle their own poop/pee, having to stop playing before they're done, having to go to a boring store when they don't want to, not being able to run willy-nilly through the parking lot, not being able to lay on the grocery store floor when they're tired, hearing "no" "not right now" "in a minute" lots and lots, etc., etc., etc. And then you, the scientist, kind of go down that list and try to find ways to give the child more autonomy and choices and "yeses."

So even things that seem like a cut-and-dry, "No way. Just can't," like the parking lot one, can turn into a series of empowering choices. "OK we gotta cross the parking lot, you want to hold onto my jacket or can I hold your back pack or you could hang onto my purse? Which would you prefer?" Or being mindful of, "Hang on--just a minute," when it really could be, "Sure, why not? Let's do that now."

I've found that when they're less frustrated by all the things that are just inherently NOT toddler-friendly in our worlds, and they see us working to help them get what they want and being on their team more times than not, the frustration and the tantrums and freak-outs go waaay down.

So there's my 10 cents! Good luck and hang in there!!

i absolutely LOVE this approach--i heard about it before we even started thinking about having kids, and i remember running to DH and telling him that this was the way we were going to parent, because it is so great!

this works with my DD (now 5.5) only about 10% of the time, at best.

she is very emotional, super sensitive, and when she is upset, reasoning doesn't work with her. i think she is expressing her overall frustrations, and the actual expression doesn't matter this much, as long as she can find a "legitimage way" to express her upsets. but sometimes it is almost better for her when she asks for something unreasonable, because she can just cry with abandon.

a typical example for her would telling me all of a sudden, at bedtime, that she wants to go to the store NOW to get a certain thing NOW. she knows very well that the store is closed. yet she'd cry and cry over it. at this point it is not even a tantrum, it is just crying.

so i guess i don't have any advice, but talking about feelings and worried and about appropriate expressions seems to be helpful, though the progress is very slow.

[captain crunchy]

I saw your dc's age in your signature -- please don't think I am being dismissive, I am honestly commiserating when I say that I truly believe the age is part of it. Our daughter is just exactly 2.5 and has been doing a lot of these kinds of things -- she has been in a bad mood for like the last week practically -- I am just riding it out, trying to treat her even more lovingly (although it is not easy sometimes lol)...

Some great suggestions here, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone Everyone I know who's child is this age is going through something similar.... which makes me wonder if there is some truth to that "terrible two" thing I would never call dd terrible, but I have a feeling the term came around describing this period for a reason

Love Monkey's Mom's thoughts here!

[GuildJenn]

My son just started with this kind of thing this week - he's had upsets and anger before but suddenly this week it's a huge crisis-level breakdown over almost every transition in our day. I do honestly think some of it is developmental but it sure makes me feel like we have to re-do our 'parenting toolbox' all of a sudden, poor us.

Just wanted to commiserate. I'm reading this thread!

[Adasmommy]

My three year old has similar adventures. I agree with trying to minimize the frustrating things in her life. Even if it's something different from what she will be crying about, maybe she'll cry less if less things were frustrating . . . ya know?

I just realized yesterday that I do a lot of "You'll have to wait until I'm done . . . " whatever it is, when she asks me to come do something. While there is nothing wrong with this, I am often asking her to come over here and get her shoes on, get in the car, brush her teeth, etc so I am making a firm effort to go to her immediately if she asks, when reasonable, since I ask it so often of her.

[Surfacing]

I can relate, subbing. :

[jilly]

We have a lot of screams here at three and almost-a-half, but now they're more because we won't do what he decides he wants, even if he knows in advance he can't have it -- some days I too think he just asks for unreasonable things on purpose becuase he needs the emotional release of screaming.

At the 2ish mark, choices were really helpful (now if asked "would you like milk or water" he'll answer "juice"). Also I found it helpful to express the emotion in words "You are really sad right now" or "That must be frustrating". Then sometimes, when he remembers, he will say "I am really angry" instead of screaming at the top of his lungs. At least then they have some words to express what they are feeling, instead of having to use the bellow.

[A&A]

My 5 yo. still throws fits. I just try not to take it personally. It's hard being a kid, yk?

[anne+arun]

i also enjoyed Monkey Mom's comments.

My "natural" (or conditioned) response to crying is to try to fix or distract. I wrote about my major shifts on this and the tools (nvc, pet & naomi aldort ideas) that i used to make the shifts in an article called "Parenting is Making My Brain Hurt".

I really believe that there is no such thing as needless crying. People like Aletha Solther or Paddy Wifler write convinvingly about the role it plays in a release or emotional outlet – often at unpredictable times. The "broken cookie" idea is that it will begin at a seemingly meaningless or unimportant event –*the point is its not about the cookie, its about expression and letting go.

That paradigm shift for me has allowed me to compassionately sit with crying. Cuddling or just sitting nearby with sympathy and openess. To be with my children during those moments of intense emotions as a reference point of unconditional love and support. Well that is on a good day anyway

In your situation i wonder if your child senses oncoming change with your pregnancy? It might even be about responding to your energy levels or unconscious concerns? Im not trying to make you feel guilty by mentioning this!!!! But it might assist in seeing her crying as communicating something or serving some purpose – we dont always know what but can still respect it.

all the best
arun
--------
http://www.theparentingpit.com

[BeanyMama]

needless crying and whining is making me nuts right now also. only not the toddler, the preschooler. sigh!

[loraxc]

This has been a journey with my DD, who normally does not have a day go by without several storms of weeping over something (even at almost 4). Sometimes it's something she's mad at us about, other times it's really nothing we could prevent (the "broken cookie" bit). I have gotten pretty good at just sitting by and waiting in the cases it's obviously not fixable or something I want to change my mind on. I offer hugs periodically till she's ready to cuddle up and move past it. She really hates it if I move away or leave the room, so I try not to do that unless I'm at the end of my rope. I just sit near her and keep my face neutral. I have found that the calmer I stay, the shorter the episodes are.

[MarineWife]

I never think of crying or a tantrum as needless. The child is doing it for a reason even if you don't understand that reason. She might be feeling like she has no control and is trying to gain some anyway she can. I would try validating her feelings. Over the toy, "You really wanted that toy and are dissappointed that you didn't get it." Over the street, "You wanted to go down that other street." "Is there something on that street you wanted to see?" The hand holding, "You want to walk by yourself." "I need to hold your hand so that I know you are safe." These things won't necessarily or immediately stop the crying or tantrums but it will help her to feel understood and accepted.

I highly recommend the book, "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves." That's where I learned about validating feelings. I'm not very good at it yet but I have tried it on many occasions and really does seem to help with dissipating the fits.

[captain crunchy]

I didn't intend to imply in my response that I thought there is needless crying -- to echo the other posters, I believe all crying is communicating a need.

I do believe in crying that *seems* to have no reason to it though (that doesn't mean there isn't).

Sometimes I can be providing dd with everything she is saying she wants or needs, in the exact way she wants or needs it (according to her) and she can still melt down over what *seems* like nothing. I know there is something, but sometimes I simply cannot figure it out. It is frustrating all around and I feel the OP on that one.

Sometimes all the kindness, validation, love, need-meeting -- or alternatively, giving space and being a calm presence.... whatever... sometimes none of it is effective lately and it does get trying at times. That is where I sympathize with the OP if that is what she is talking about

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by captain crunchy

Sometimes I can be providing dd with everything she is saying she wants or needs, in the exact way she wants or needs it (according to her) and she can still melt down over what *seems* like nothing. I know there is something, but sometimes I simply cannot figure it out. It is frustrating all around and I feel the OP on that one.

We go through the same thing here. Sometimes it all just seems so unreasonable. That's when I try to be present for my child rather than just trying to stop the behavior, even if all I can do is sit in the room with him while he screams.

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by captain crunchy

Sometimes I can be providing dd with everything she is saying she wants or needs, in the exact way she wants or needs it (according to her) and she can still melt down over what *seems* like nothing. I know there is something, but sometimes I simply cannot figure it out. It is frustrating all around and I feel the OP on that one.

Sometimes all the kindness, validation, love, need-meeting -- or alternatively, giving space and being a calm presence.... whatever... sometimes none of it is effective lately and it does get trying at times. That is where I sympathize with the OP if that is what she is talking about

ITA and we certainly see this in our house too. That's when I have learned that it seems to make it worse in our scenerio if I'm hovering and trying to jump every time dd says WAH! Sometimes I just stay nearby and silent. Sometimes I just pick her up and bring her along wherever we have to go and let her have her feelings about it. Sometimes, eventually I find something to distract her with and she seems to welcome the change in train of thought. Other times she seems angry with efforts to distract so I just try to sit with her emotions too. Other times I simply need to walk away and let both of us take a break from the intensity. Sometimes she needs to have a good meltdown before she can finally accept some of what she needs (food, a nap, a transition). It's can be very frustrating because sometimes I see that she doesn't really know herself what she wants.

It's a work in progress.

[Nora'sMama]

Oh hey, another mom of a 2.5 yo here!

It's so good to know that others are going through the same thing!

I always try the ideas monkey'smama posted, but as captain crunchy says, sometimes it's just impossible to ameliorate or figure out a tantrum at the moment it happens.

I try to play it by ear. If it seems to call for me just sitting quietly and waiting for her to finish, I do that. But sometimes she will just go on and on until I DO something, so clearly what she's after is some kind of response from me. I wish I was always able to handle these situations as well as I do on my best days, in which I really reach as far as I can to find a creative solution that is respectful of dd's feelings and minimizes the upset. But sometimes I am just disgruntled and feel like I want to have a tantrum, too!

Often I can figure out a possible trigger for the tantrum in retrospect - not enough outdoor play that day, too long a nap, too much sugar. The HALT acronym (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) is a very useful checklist when I am just stumped as to why dd is so out of sorts.

Everywhere I go I see kids of this age group melting down so at least we know it's perfectly normal! Doesn't take the frustration away, but it eases it.

One other thing - and I think I learned all these tips from lurking here, btw - is when you feel so frustrated or upset with your child's frustration, which I often do (probably increased by the fact that I grew up in a home where such outbursts were severely punished, so they make me instinctively uncomfortable) - just tell yourself, "I am getting through this." or, "we are getting through this." I find it helps if I think of a tantrum or a day marked by lots of toddler recalcitrance as a sort of tunnel to go through, and you just have to get through it, you don't necessarily have to make it a teaching moment. After you get through the tunnel you can regroup and analyze and make a better plan for next time, if needed.