Keeping child home due to bullying?

[mattemma04]

Has anyone kept their child home from school in protest of ongoing bullying?Kept them home till a written plan to deal with the issue was put into place?

My son has had an ongoing problem with bullies while in K. I have posted on it before.

At this time there is one main child,and according to the teacher the child actually likes my son but has *issues* that affect his behavior. I have sympathised and tried to be patient while this student learns to behave,but it does not seem like he is learning.It is starting to take a toll on my son after weeks of dealing with him. Incidents are minor but repeated daily.Things like name calling,kicking,pushing,touching.Like yesterday my son says the boy took the paper bird they made in art and kept putting it on my sons head,and then he poked him in the eye.My son told and the boy was told to *stop it*. It seems like it is always just *stop it* AFTER something is already done to him.What is the point of that when the next day he does it all over again?

I do not understand why the boy is even allowed by my son.For example when they are in line the boy will get behind my son and start pushing him,or he will kick the back of his legs.I have told my son to asked to be moved,but either he doesn't or the teacher just ignores it.Other things I recall are the boy saying,"Lets jump *****" or "Fry *****"

Again,I know these are probably minor things to most people,but he is coming home sad and angry.He refuses to go to outside activities like karate anymore.States he just wants to be home away from others. My son does not want to leave that classroom and be put in another.He would rather just stay home.He wants that kid(and all the others) to not bother/hurt him while he is in school.

I want the boy kept away from my son.I want the boy punished and not warned anymore.I want that boy to get some intensive teachings on how to properly interact.I want my boy happy and safe,but everytime I contact the school I am ignored and/or things get worse for my ds. The last time I contacted the teacher because the boy was moved to a table with my son.What the heck was she thinking?I asked that the boy be moved,and instead my son was moved due to the teacher saying she needed the boy at that specific table.The boy ended up becoming friends with my son's friend,and my son was placed at a table with a kid who bullied him earlier in the year. If I complain again I am afraid they will just move my son to another class,because the child bothering him seems to have priority.

The princiapl is a waste.Last time(September) he said there was no bullying at his school,and I was the only parent to complain.The school counselor was little help as she just keeps asking my kids if they like school-no skills offered to deal with issues.

I said before(to the teacher) if problems continue with the child then I want a meeting with the parents of the child.I see no real benefit in it other than them knowing there is a problem if they have not been told.If their son has issues I assume they know.Maybe the school gets more money for him.Maybe the school would get sued if they discipline him more due to his *disabilities*?

My dh does not really help.He simply puts the burden on my son to say something,or stand up for himself. I have done that as well out of frustration,but it is not working. If my son were older I have little doubt that he would be considered depressed. I think he is even at 5.

So I am not sure how to proceed.Do I keep son out while asking that a written plan be put together showing what staff will do from now on to keep said child from bothering mine? What if they say they will move my son to another class after I say ds does not want to be moved? Should I email the teacher,or write her a letter requesting some sort of game plan?Do I have to contact the principal as well? I am just not sure.All I do know is ds is unhappy,and I kept telling him to make the best of each day,but he comes home upset. I can't let this go on until June 2008.

[kmeyrick]

I would keep in mind that there may well be a behavior plan for this child, but as you are not this child's parent you are not entitled to see it. It would be confidential, and the staff will expected to be very hush-mouthed about it. They won't confirm or deny what's in another child's file to you. The problem with behavioral issues is that they are not cured overnight, and often the behavior plans fail because they are not followed up on at home. The school will not likely give you something in writing along the lines of, "Every time Child X teases or touches your child, we promise to give Child X a time out, move his card to yellow, then red, lose recess, etc." The reason being is that they cannot make a promise to a parent about what they'll do about another parent's kid. It would be considered a violation of this other parent's rights.

YOU have rights, too, though, and so does your ds. I know he doesn't want to move to another classroom, but I think that may be the solution. Keeping him home may build his anxiety and fear. If he's being kept home, he'll figure, then school must be really, really, bad. Going to another classroom without this bully will show him a new side of class, and it may greatly boost your child's self-esteem.

I'm so sorry your ds is going through this. Kindergarten used to be a time of socialization, and learning to share, be gentle, etc, but now it's all about academics. Some kids just aren't learning how to be decent because of that. There were always bullies, but it just seems to be worse now.

[mattemma04]

****

[Chinese Pistache]

I would email the principal with the situation again and demand that a plan be put in place for protecting your son. CC it to the teacher and to the superintendant or whomever is above the principal. The more recipients the better, so they are forced to handle the problem. In the meantime, can you attend class with your son? Sit in the back and observe? That should definitely put pressure on them to act. I'm sorry you're son is going through this. We hs now, but when my son was in K, his teacher was extremely observant and proactive about helping kids maintain good boundaries and keeping people safe. I'm sorry your teacher isn't doing her job.

[insahmniak]

I'm sorry. That situation sounds very frustrating for you and sad for you and your child.

I haven't kept my child home due to bullying - not entirely. We do homeschool and this is no small reason why. But that's my bias. Admittedly. My DP was bullied in school and IMO there was no reason good enough or excuses valid enough to let it continue when it was clearly effecting his self-esteem. He's the sweetest man and most loving father now - I can imagine how sweet he was as a child, too. He must have been easy prey for bullies and my heart breaks thinking about it. I wish his mom had kept him home. His esteem would be better now, I think. My daughter's also remarkably sweet and kind and I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure she won't end up suffering the way her dad did. That's my first priority.

Maybe consider this: Would you regret NOT pulling him more than you'd regret pulling him?

[mad4mady]

I know exactly what you are going through! I went through the same situation with my dd that started k this year. I even wrote a post on MDC to get help. She was being bullied alot by a group of girls in her class. I worked with the teachers and tried to make it work but, it didn't. We then moved my dd to another K classroom but, the problem was that she still had contact with these girls on the playground and at lunch (where most of the original problems had occured anyways) We ended up leaving the school and it was the best decsion we could have made. DD is so happy, has lots of friends and is doing great in here new school. My only regret is that I didn't pull her out sooner (the problem went on for the first 2 months of school before she left). She was really affected by those girls and it really hurt her. She is getting better now but she still brings it up and how much it hurt her and still does.

If you are not ready to pull you dc out of the school, and it is only 1 child that is the problem I would request that the child that is doing the bullying to be changed to another classroon. Your dc shouldn't have to change from a class he likes because of another child. And if there is a behavior plan in place for the child already, then his IEP team should be made aware of what is going on and they should put in place a better plan to deal specificlly with the bullying that is going on between this boy and your child. Your child should be able to feel safe in his school!!

I am sorry that you and your child are going through this

Megan

[mattemma04]

Thank you for the replies.*****

[RedWine]

I was bullied horribly throughout school, starting with 1st grade. Our school had a "no bully" policy -- but that did no good whatsoever. I was a gifted kid who was slightly overweight and not "pretty." I didn't like the things I was "supposed" to like (dolls, pink, etc.). I just didn't fit in.

I told my parents about it. My dad said to hit/insult back, my mother said to ignore it. They both spoke with teachers and the parents, and nothing ever was solved.

After 1st grade, I gave up telling my parents (who thought they had a really close relationship with me) because I realized no one was really going to do anything. I realized they were not going to help me, so I shut down. Their failure to really do anything about the situation has always affect my relationship with and trust in them.

I saw the same group of bullies from elementary through high school. They made my life hell. It affected every aspect of my life for years. Took a LOT of therapy and YEARS of adulthood to get over it.

I wish to God my parents would have switched schools or homeschooled me.

Please -- pull your child. Change schools, homeschool, whatever alternative works for your family. But get your kid out of there. ASAP. I will even stick my neck out and say that ensuring your child's emotional and physical safety is more important than living in complete harmony with your husband. If he's against pulling your child, ask him WHY?!?! What could be more important??

[LauraLoo]

My ds was bullied in pre-K. It was a developmental pre-K and ds was there because of speech issues, therefore he didn't have the speech skills to "use his words." The child would target my ds and try to bite him - which he did hard (lasting bite marks for days) not once, but twice. The second time, I went ballistic. The teacher's solution was to shadow the other child (who had more issues that just speech) and told my ds to scream if that child came near him....... I suggested that the child be moved to a different class, but they said that child would just find another child to target....DUH!

For awhile, my ds would scream when ANY unfamiliar child approached him or if he felt threatened in any way. It took us over a year to get that behavior toned done. Long term results have been that my ds is unsure of himself when play gets rougher, even when it's not physical, tends to play by himself on the playground, and has major, major trust issues with children AND teachers. No one was protecting him. Children need to know that they are safe, and when they are violated that someone will react on their behalf.

I really should have called an intervention meeting with the principal, superintendent, or pulled him out. I did neither. I will always consider this one of my biggest mistakes. It's been almost 3 years since ds has had any contact with this other child, but we are still dealing with the aftermath.

By the way, I wouldn't just call this bullying, I would call it *repeated* physical violence. Maybe that will turn some heads.

[mad4mady]

If it is just this one kid and your dc has friends and likes school then I would try to make it work if they get that problem kid out of the class. I know you said they said they wouldn't do that but they have to if your child is being physically assulted! My dd didn't have friends at her school and it was many bullies, so for us it was better to pull her out. But if he likes the school maybe there is another way. I am so upset that the teacher won't even move the other childs seat. That is nuts!! I would go in with your dh straight to the principal and demand that action be taken immediately because you are concerned for the safety of your child while he is at school. They have to do something, if they don't take it to the Super and on up to the school board. If you make a big enough fuss with the principal, it should get resolved!! Use words like abuse, assult, fear of safety because if you say those things the principal will have to do something. If you dc does want to move then do it fast, so that he can start a new school after break

Good Luck

[NeedsTylenol]

I say take him out of school.

The teachers and principal aren't willing to protect this child.

Homeschool for a year or two, then maybe try again with public school if you want.

At that age children grow and change SO much. Maybe in a couple years the horrible children will have matured enough to be tolerable.

Or maybe they'll move away by then.

[mattemma04]

Thank you again for the replies. I am so sorry what some of you or your children have had to deal with.It is so frustrating.Many people have expressed concern,and then end it with,"Well that's just how it is.We all have to deal with mean people."

I wrote the letter to the teacher as dh asked. I do not expect things to improve,but I am always hopeful that others will lose interest in harrassing my kids and leave them alone. There are other kids that bother my son here and there,but B has been doing it constantly since October.Teacher says B likes my son,but my son wants nothing to do with him.It is sad that my ds has been dealing with one bully or another since the first week of school.He went into school so happy and excited.I wish I had kept him home this year,and started him at 6.

<<<<
I am writing to you in regards to the continued verbal/physical harassment A is receiving from his classmate B. As you know this child has been bothering our son since October. We have all tried to be patient while B was taught how to behave more appropriately. Unfortunately it seems that B has not been progressing, and our son is targeted on an almost daily basis by this specific child. The most recent incident occurring in Art class on 12-7-07. The name calling, pushing, kicking, and poking is having a very negative effect on our son. Our son is not interested in being moved to another class.
What will be done to prevent further verbal/physical harassment of our son at school?

Thank you for your time.>>>>

[cyclemama]

This is probably a stupid question, but if a chlid is being physically harmed at school, and the school does nothing about it, what would happen if the child's parent called the police to report the bullying as an assault? I mean, if I were at work, or walking down the street, and someone pushed or hit me, I would call the police to report an assault and would expect the police to arrest the person who assaulted me. Now, in the school setting, I wouldn't really expect the police to arrest a six-year-old, but if the police would get involved in some manner, perhaps the school would take the matter more seriously. Is this just fanciful thinking on my part? Would the police just simply refuse to get involved in school matters? Has anyone heard of this happening?

Mattemma04, I'm sorry your son is going through this. I agree with the other posters that, if the problem cannot be resolved very quickly, I would pull your child from school. From what you've described about how the school has handled the matter so far, I don't think anything will be done unless you raise a much bigger stink. I really think your letter is much too polite. I'm all for being rational and reasonable, but I think the school is more likely to act if you become the "squeaky wheel." Perhaps you could demand a meeting by a certain date, then contact an attorney to see if there is any legal recourse if the school takes no action, and let the school know you've contacted an attorney. If the school is willing to put a plan in place, I would show up to observe the class several times after that to make sure any action plan is followed through on.

Cyclemama

[mattemma04]

I have the student handbook,but looked up district policy,and will add the section on hazing/bullying to my letter.Some of the policy...


HAZING AND BULLYING
Hazing means doing any act or coercing another, including the victim, to do any act of intimidation or harassment to any student or other organization that causes or creates a substantial risk of causing mental or physical harm to any person.

Bullying is an intentional written, verbal or physical act that a student has exhibited toward another particular student more than once and the behavior causes both mental or physical harm to the other student and is sufficiently severe, persistent or pervasive that it creates an intimidating, threatening or abusive educational environment for the other student.

Permission, consent or assumption of risk by an individual subjected to hazing and/or bullying does not lessen the prohibition contained in this policy.

Prohibited activities of any type including those activities engaged in via computer and/or electronic communications devices are inconsistent with the educational process and are prohibited at all times. No administrator, teacher or other employee of the District shall encourage, permit, condone or tolerate any hazing and/or bullying activities.

THIS IS A REQUIRED POLICY>>>

[mattemma04]

Perhaps my dh will want to look into the legal angle since he is the one that wants ds to remain in school at all cost.If it were up to me I would pull and hs till we move out of this district,and then try ps in a new place.

I had an intervention meeting at school back in September when ds was being knocked down by other boys on the playground.I complained and was called in.Thought it was only with the principal.It was a full room with the principal,teacher,and 2 school counselors.I kept being told that all was well during observation periods,and they made me feel like I was being over protective.True,I was pretty mad/emotional in my letter,and wanted those boys punised for hitting my boy. I am not sure I am up for another of those meetings,but I will deal with it if it happens. Ds has been patient and tolerant for quite some time,and I promised him-enough is enough- I would try to make things better or keep him home.

[kmeyrick]

Originally Posted by NeedsTylenol

The teachers and principal aren't willing to protect this child.

Wait wait wait! We don't know that. There could be a behavior management plan in place for this child, and it will not work overnight, but the staff will in no way ever, ever, ever, tell you if there is such a plan or what it is. That would be against the law. I can understand that- if I had a disturbed/special needs, emotional issues child, I would not think that all the other parents are entitled to know my family business. We know NOTHING of the child in question, other than he has obvious issues.

This is the dark side of mainstreaming all kids no matter what. In one of my schools we had a fourth grade student who was quite frankly dangerous she was so violent and we were not even permitted to notify the parents of other kids. The other parents tried to be compassionate in light of her severe special needs, but at this time I was a para to a child on an oxygen tank, and we sat right next to this girl. This was an example of failure in the mainstreaming movement.

Sadly, the rights of kids and parents are not equally distributed in most schools. And teachers are required by law to keep our traps shut no matter what.

That said, if you have to take your kid out of school, do it and don't look back or feel guilty. You have every right to protect your child.

And if they offer the opportunity to change classes, do it. Some schools aren't willing to do that. I hope it works out for your ds, and for this bully who so obviously is not getting something he desperately needs.

[kmeyrick]

You are right- he may being getting special privelages because of his special needs, and that is NOT doing him a favor in the long run. Contact the parents, if you wish, but no teacher and principal would dare put something in writing guaranteeing you what they'll do to someone else's child. Especially if there are special needs involved.

If you can change classes, why would you keep him in the same one? For any reason? This child has issues that aren't going away (I'll bet the teacher heaves a sigh of relief when he's absent) so why pursue it? There's an emergency exist right in front of you, stop trying to put out the fire and get out. Don't worry about how the school is handling this bully. You can end it for your son this very week.

[NeedsTylenol]

Originally Posted by NeedsTylenol

The teachers and principal aren't willing to protect this child.

Wait wait wait! We don't know that.

If the teacher has been told about the bullying and the kid is still allowed daily access to his victim? Then we DO know that.

Teacher says B likes my son,but my son wants nothing to do with him.

I wonder if that teacher would be willing to come to this message board and tell us all why B's feelings are so much more important? I'm curious about that.

[kmeyrick]

Originally Posted by NeedsTylenol

If the teacher has been told about the bullying and the kid is still allowed daily access to his victim? Then we DO know that.



I wonder if that teacher would be willing to come to this message board and tell us all why B's feelings are so much more important? I'm curious about that.

If the kid is allowed daily access to his victim, that is not up to the teacher. By law he is allowed to be there short of violence. Sometimes even WITH violence. Read my story about the very, very violent girl we had to keep in a mainstream classroom while she tugged book shelves down and smashed two computers. And we were made to feel like bad guys who hated special needs kids by the Department of Mental Retardation and this child's mother when we said a regular classroom just wasn't working. Two special needs teachers were reducaed to tears by a parent unwilling to face the truth and a zealot social worker threatening to see to it they lost their jobs.

Why are we assuming this teacher favors this bully? She is required to follow an IEP (that she had little or no say in setting up) whether she likes it or not, and like I said before, she cannot, CANNOT report how she is handling this child to another parent.

Think for a second- would you like your child's teacher to be frequently updating another parent about what she's doing with your kid? "I gave that bully you can't stand a timeout during recess today, I called his father and wrote him up in the office. Just want you to know I'm on top of it."

You're right, often special needs kids get resources at the cost of the mainstream, and that serves no one in the long run. Mainstreaming is wonderful when it works, a disaster when it doesn't, so it needs to be on a case by case basis, not a lump rule like most states have.

There is an out here. Go to another classroom. But seeing how little information we have about this child, I think we shouldn't flame someone we don't even know and say she obviously isn't willing to protect this child, she thinks the bully's feelings are more important, or anything like that.

I would heave a sigh of relief that I don't have a bully for a child, and not wait for the system to change when there are several alternate routes.

[lauren]

Originally Posted by mattemma04

Has anyone kept their child home from school in protest of ongoing bullying?Kept them home till a written plan to deal with the issue was put into place?

My son has had an ongoing problem with bullies while in K. I have posted on it before.

At this time there is one main child,and according to the teacher the child actually likes my son but has *issues* that affect his behavior. I have sympathised and tried to be patient while this student learns to behave,but it does not seem like he is learning.It is starting to take a toll on my son after weeks of dealing with him. Incidents are minor but repeated daily.Things like name calling,kicking,pushing,touching.Like yesterday my son says the boy took the paper bird they made in art and kept putting it on my sons head,and then he poked him in the eye.My son told and the boy was told to *stop it*. It seems like it is always just *stop it* AFTER something is already done to him.What is the point of that when the next day he does it all over again?

I do not understand why the boy is even allowed by my son.For example when they are in line the boy will get behind my son and start pushing him,or he will kick the back of his legs.I have told my son to asked to be moved,but either he doesn't or the teacher just ignores it.Other things I recall are the boy saying,"Lets jump *****" or "Fry *****"

Again,I know these are probably minor things to most people,but he is coming home sad and angry.He refuses to go to outside activities like karate anymore.States he just wants to be home away from others. My son does not want to leave that classroom and be put in another.He would rather just stay home.He wants that kid(and all the others) to not bother/hurt him while he is in school.

I want the boy kept away from my son.I want the boy punished and not warned anymore.I want that boy to get some intensive teachings on how to properly interact.I want my boy happy and safe,but everytime I contact the school I am ignored and/or things get worse for my ds. The last time I contacted the teacher because the boy was moved to a table with my son.What the heck was she thinking?I asked that the boy be moved,and instead my son was moved due to the teacher saying she needed the boy at that specific table.The boy ended up becoming friends with my son's friend,and my son was placed at a table with a kid who bullied him earlier in the year. If I complain again I am afraid they will just move my son to another class,because the child bothering him seems to have priority.

The princiapl is a waste.Last time(September) he said there was no bullying at his school,and I was the only parent to complain.The school counselor was little help as she just keeps asking my kids if they like school-no skills offered to deal with issues.

I said before(to the teacher) if problems continue with the child then I want a meeting with the parents of the child.I see no real benefit in it other than them knowing there is a problem if they have not been told.If their son has issues I assume they know.Maybe the school gets more money for him.Maybe the school would get sued if they discipline him more due to his *disabilities*?

My dh does not really help.He simply puts the burden on my son to say something,or stand up for himself. I have done that as well out of frustration,but it is not working. If my son were older I have little doubt that he would be considered depressed. I think he is even at 5.

So I am not sure how to proceed.Do I keep son out while asking that a written plan be put together showing what staff will do from now on to keep said child from bothering mine? What if they say they will move my son to another class after I say ds does not want to be moved? Should I email the teacher,or write her a letter requesting some sort of game plan?Do I have to contact the principal as well? I am just not sure.All I do know is ds is unhappy,and I kept telling him to make the best of each day,but he comes home upset. I can't let this go on until June 2008.

*Please do not copy/quote from this post.This post will be deleted later*

mattemma I sent you a PM.