When giving options isn't working

[KnitLady]

I give my 21 month old DS options almost all the time. "Would you like the orange diaper or the cow diaper?" or "Do you want to brush your teeth now, or brush your teeth in 5 minutes?" "Do you want to wear your snowman shirt, or your sun shirt?" Often he will pick one of the options but when it comes time to actually do the action or put on the clothing he says, "NO!" and refuses.

I can compromise on a lot of things. He often goes naked at home because he doesn't want to wear a diaper or clothes. However, I obviously can't let him go naked at the store. Sometimes we end up just staying home because I can't get him dressed without a real struggle. This isn't always an option and it is frustrating to me because we are missing out on fun activities as well as running necessary errands. We end up staying home instead of going to the park (which he loves) because he doesn't want to get dressed. We don't stay home as a punishment, but I do explain to him that if he wants to go to the park, he has to wear his diaper and clothes. He gets excited when I talk about going to the park, but as soon as I say, "Ok, let's put on your diaper and clothes and then we will go to the park," he says "No" and loses interest. Occasionally I can get him dressed if he is distracted, but it has to something exceedingly interesting to him and even then it doesn't always work.

The toothbrushing is something I just can't compromise on. Sadly he has some tooth decay and he HAS to brush his teeth twice a day. I've tried singing, looking for animals in his mouth, distraction, having DH distract him, talking about all the people he knows who brush their teeth, looking at pictures of people brushing their teeth, etc. I feel as though I am at the end of my gentle rope with regards to brushing his teeth.

What do I do when I give him two options and he choses option C. NO!?

[Ruthla]

Stop giving options sometimes. "OK, we're going to brush our teeth now" and follow through, even if he's miserable the whole time you're doing it.

Basically, there are three options: you choose A, you choose B, or mommy gets to choose. Toddlers aren't mature enough to handle choices all the time. Sometimes its gentler FOR THE CHILD to make the choice for them.

[Eman'smom]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Stop giving options sometimes. "OK, we're going to brush our teeth now" and follow through, even if he's miserable the whole time you're doing it.

Basically, there are three options: you choose A, you choose B, or mommy gets to choose. Toddlers aren't mature enough to handle choices all the time. Sometimes its gentler FOR THE CHILD to make the choice for them.

Yup.


I've also done, I know you don't want to do x (wear x go to x), but that isn't a choice right now, I'm sorry. Then follow through and do it.

[tubulidentata2]

For toothbrushing, none of the tricks I had read about worked. One day, I tried talking with her about it. I just told her what our plans were. "We are going to brush our teeth now, and then we are going to read some books." Note that reading is her favorite thing to do, so she had something good to look forward to, and just a small event to get through beforehand.

This worked for us, but it may not work for you, since yours won't put on a diaper to go outside. We have the same struggle sometimes, and when it is really a problem, I try smaller steps. She loves to go outside, so I open the door and stand by it, so that she can see outside and gets excited. Then I remind her that we wear clothes outside because it is cold.

I suppose both of these are rather coercive, but until I can come up with something better, this is what is working! Some things just aren't optional, like avoiding tooth decay and getting food from the store. If there is a tantrum, I try to use the SALVE technique from Naomi Aldort's book.

Good luck!

[MtBikeLover]

On the teeth brushing, the games didn't always work for my kids - sometimes they would play along and other times they would fight about getting their teeth brushed. And I got tired of trying to always come up with a new game because it always had to be changed every couple of days. So I explained what happens when people don't take care of their teeth. That worked and now they brush or let me brush all the time.

[Learning_Mum]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Stop giving options sometimes. "OK, we're going to brush our teeth now" and follow through, even if he's miserable the whole time you're doing it.

Basically, there are three options: you choose A, you choose B, or mommy gets to choose. Toddlers aren't mature enough to handle choices all the time. Sometimes its gentler FOR THE CHILD to make the choice for them.

Yep. Some things are non-negotiable and just need to get done and no it's not fun, but neither is getting teeth pulled out at 3 years old, ya know?

[wagamama]

I have a 28-month-old and could have written your post! He hates having his teeth brushed, and hates getting dressed, and none of the games/options/ explanations I've tried have worked.

And this has been going on since he was 18 months old!

The only thing that I have found that works is a semi-threat . For example, I tell him that if he doesn't brush his teeth, we won't read any bedtime books -- we will just turn out the light and go to sleep. Then I turn off the light, wait a few seconds, and DS says "OK". I turn the light back on, he reluctantly lets me brush his teeth, and then we read his books.

For getting dressed, I actually take him into the car naked a lot. When we get to our destination (usually a playgroup), I tell him that we can't go inside, play with the other kids and toys, and have our snack until he gets dressed. After a few rounds of this explanation, he relents.

I feel awful about the negativity of the threat, and would love to find another solution. Especially since I have been using this technique for almost a year, but have not seen a change in DS -- in other words, I still have to use the threat every time .

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Stop giving options sometimes. "OK, we're going to brush our teeth now" and follow through, even if he's miserable the whole time you're doing it.

Basically, there are three options: you choose A, you choose B, or mommy gets to choose. Toddlers aren't mature enough to handle choices all the time. Sometimes its gentler FOR THE CHILD to make the choice for them.

This is what we do. I'm not staying home just because he doesn't want to get dressed!