I am a new member here and I have never posted here before, so if I posted this in the wrong place, then please move it to the right place mods. I just found this message board and feel so glad to know that there so are so many others here who believe in AP 
The reason I am posting here is because I felt so much guilt over not being able to breastfeed my son for such a long a time, and as the title of this thread says I have finally let go of that guilt.
I gave birth to my son Edward in June of last year (nearly eighteen months ago) . I was overjoyed to find out that I was pregnant, as my husband and I had been married for seven years and had not yet conceived any children, even through medical intervention. I was so excited about being pregnant, and I did so much research and planning because I wanted to be the best mom ever. I planned to breastfeed for at least a year and probably longer if all went well, however me BFing my son was never meant to be. During one of the ultrasounds, the doctor detected a problem...my unborn child had what looked like a cleft palate. We couldn't be sure of the severity until after he was born, and in the meantime I did lots of research on BFing and pumping for a child with a cleft palate. However as the pregnancy moved along, I began to get more and more nervous. I had been a little stressed when I found out that I was pregnant, because my husband and I had tried for so long without success, and finding out my son had a cleft made things even worse. I knew that stress was not good for me or the baby, and so I tried my best to stay calm and relaxed. My husband and family were very supportive during this time, and my niece was especially good to me, and would come over and help me relax and take me on small walks for exercise. Well, when I was about seven months along, my niece and I were out for one of these walks, and as we were going to cross the street, a drunk driver ran a red light. My niece tried to push me out of the way, and I only got clipped by the car, but my niece ended up being pinned against a tree. I went into premature labour because of what happened and both of us ended up being rushed to the hospital. My son was born and except for a cleft in his lip and palate, he was healthy and uninjured. I was pretty banged up, and my niece was even worse and ended up having her right hand amputated at the wrist. I was so upset about the accident and felt so guilty about asking my niece to take me for a walk (on her 16th birthday no less) and I felt like the whole thing was my fault. BFing my son with his cleft was impossible, I also was in so much pain and mental distress from the guilt over the accident that I needed heavy duty drugs which left me unable to pump. So my son ended up being FF and the whole time I felt so horrible and guilty because I let him down. I kept on thinking that I should have just sucked it up and gone with the meds so that I could BF. I felt like a failure and the worst mother on earth. When my son was 1, he had successful surgery to correct his cleft. I was so depressed over not being able to BF that I could barely function anymore. Then my bother and SIL (my niece's parents, sat me down and told me I wasn't a bad mother. They asked me some questions:
Do you love you son?
Yes.
Do you want what is best for him?
Yes.
Did he need you to be strong after he was born?
Yes.
Would you have been able to be strong for him if you didn't take the meds to get better?
No.
Would you have been able to be there for him if you were in pain and distress because you didn't take the meds?
No.
Is your son healthy and thriving today?
Yes.
Now I am not in any way saying that formula is best, however my talk with my brother and SIL made me realize that I did do what was best for my son by getting better and being there for him. If I had a mental or physical breakdown because of the pain, I wouldn't have been able to take care of my son, which is what he needed me to do. I have now let go of guilt, and am posting here on this wonderful board to tell my story and feel better (If I do have another child, I will do everything in my power to breastfeed)
btw- My niece did have a rough time at first, however she is also doing amazing, she has learned martial arts and how to play the piano, and is my sons godmother and guardian angel (as well as mine)
The reason I am posting here is because I felt so much guilt over not being able to breastfeed my son for such a long a time, and as the title of this thread says I have finally let go of that guilt.I gave birth to my son Edward in June of last year (nearly eighteen months ago) . I was overjoyed to find out that I was pregnant, as my husband and I had been married for seven years and had not yet conceived any children, even through medical intervention. I was so excited about being pregnant, and I did so much research and planning because I wanted to be the best mom ever. I planned to breastfeed for at least a year and probably longer if all went well, however me BFing my son was never meant to be. During one of the ultrasounds, the doctor detected a problem...my unborn child had what looked like a cleft palate. We couldn't be sure of the severity until after he was born, and in the meantime I did lots of research on BFing and pumping for a child with a cleft palate. However as the pregnancy moved along, I began to get more and more nervous. I had been a little stressed when I found out that I was pregnant, because my husband and I had tried for so long without success, and finding out my son had a cleft made things even worse. I knew that stress was not good for me or the baby, and so I tried my best to stay calm and relaxed. My husband and family were very supportive during this time, and my niece was especially good to me, and would come over and help me relax and take me on small walks for exercise. Well, when I was about seven months along, my niece and I were out for one of these walks, and as we were going to cross the street, a drunk driver ran a red light. My niece tried to push me out of the way, and I only got clipped by the car, but my niece ended up being pinned against a tree. I went into premature labour because of what happened and both of us ended up being rushed to the hospital. My son was born and except for a cleft in his lip and palate, he was healthy and uninjured. I was pretty banged up, and my niece was even worse and ended up having her right hand amputated at the wrist. I was so upset about the accident and felt so guilty about asking my niece to take me for a walk (on her 16th birthday no less) and I felt like the whole thing was my fault. BFing my son with his cleft was impossible, I also was in so much pain and mental distress from the guilt over the accident that I needed heavy duty drugs which left me unable to pump. So my son ended up being FF and the whole time I felt so horrible and guilty because I let him down. I kept on thinking that I should have just sucked it up and gone with the meds so that I could BF. I felt like a failure and the worst mother on earth. When my son was 1, he had successful surgery to correct his cleft. I was so depressed over not being able to BF that I could barely function anymore. Then my bother and SIL (my niece's parents, sat me down and told me I wasn't a bad mother. They asked me some questions:
Do you love you son?
Yes.
Do you want what is best for him?
Yes.
Did he need you to be strong after he was born?
Yes.
Would you have been able to be strong for him if you didn't take the meds to get better?
No.
Would you have been able to be there for him if you were in pain and distress because you didn't take the meds?
No.
Is your son healthy and thriving today?
Yes.
Now I am not in any way saying that formula is best, however my talk with my brother and SIL made me realize that I did do what was best for my son by getting better and being there for him. If I had a mental or physical breakdown because of the pain, I wouldn't have been able to take care of my son, which is what he needed me to do. I have now let go of guilt, and am posting here on this wonderful board to tell my story and feel better (If I do have another child, I will do everything in my power to breastfeed)
btw- My niece did have a rough time at first, however she is also doing amazing, she has learned martial arts and how to play the piano, and is my sons godmother and guardian angel (as well as mine)
