"You hate me!"

[HarperRose]

My 6 yr old told me this tonight. Poor kid thinks we hate her!! What an awful feeling for her.

We just had a new baby 5 weeks ago, so she's not the baby anymore. I suspect this might be part of it.

In talking with her, she was able to tell me she doesn't like the way we treat her.

We figured out that she doesn't like being yelled at or disciplined (time out) when she doesn't do as she's told or when she argues with us, yells at us, hits us, kicks us, and generally thinks she ought to have her way.

Disagreeing with us is ok and being angry is ok. We can talk about it, but there are times when she MUST do as we tell her and that's all there is to it. Life has rules. What's NOT acceptable is the yelling at us, the hitting, and the kicking.

I don't want my kid to think we hate her! My God, how AWFUL!!!

But she thinks that because of the way we treat her.

We 'treat her that way' because she is not following the rules. Put your socks and shoes on, we're leaving. Get dressed for school so you won't be late. Eat breakfast so you're not hungry at school. Put your toys in your bin (toy box). Do it NOW because [blank] is happening.

Shoes/socks: we tell the kids about 10 minutes before we leave to put shoes & socks on. We may have to remind our oldest a couple of times, but he'll do it. We have to remind dd SEVERAL times, she refuses, she sits around the house, she piddles around not paying attention, etc. We keep reminding her while we're finishing getting ourselves and the baby ready and she's STILL not wearing socks or shoes.

FINALLY, when EVERYONE is waiting by the door she freaks out. "WAIT!!!! I don't have my shoes on!!! I'm not ready!!!" And she'll have a meltdown, freaking out, screaming, hollering right then and there, and DEMANDING that someone help her. And because we want to get out the door, one of us does. We're pissed off about it because we'd been telling her for at least 10 minutes to do it, but she didn't and now we have to take MORE time and do it FOR her.

The same scenario happens every single morning before school only this time it lasts 45 minutes. : Oh, and she misses breakfast. : : I shove baggies of cheerios in her backpack just so I know she's got food! And we tell her to eat at school, but that's a cinnamon bun or Trix or something no more nutritious than the cereal baggy!

She also never puts her toys away. She throws them on the floor in her room.

So my solutions are like this:
Toys: bag it all up and put it in storage if she can't keep it off her floor.
Breakfast: Give her a little something before school, then send her w/ something nutritious for snack time (around 9:30 or 10AM) and then again for lunch (11AM).

I am lost on what to do with socks and shoes.

This all tells me she has a problem with organizing her time and remembering what I said to her 2 minutes ago.

I don't want my daughter to think we hate her.
I do not want to argue with my daughter over stupid things like SHOES at 6 yrs old. Let's save it for 16 and arguing over curfew or boys or whether that skirt's an appropriate length.

I want her to KNOW that we LOVE her and feel that love.
I want her to comply and do as she's told when she's told. We don't have a lot of rules in this house, but when you're told to do something, JUST DO IT so we can all move on with our lives. She's generally very helpful (takes care of laundry for me, helps w/ the baby, etc.) and will do anything I ask her to do. But then the shoes and getting dressed for school issues happen.

And we didn't help her get dressed or do her socks & shoes before the baby came, so it's not like we're suddenly expecting her to be a grown up girl. She's been able to dress herself and put her own socks & shoes on for quite some time. Before I was even pregnant. This is not new to her.

I don't get it. :

Does anyone know how to help her utilize her time, listen better, and put her shoes and socks on her feet when she's told all without raising voices and getting frustrated with each other?

Please, someone share some words of wisdom with me.

[sunnmama]

I have a 6 yo, and we had a new baby this year, so this if familiar territory for me!

Originally Posted by Justthatgirl

And we didn't help her get dressed or do her socks & shoes before the baby came, so it's not like we're suddenly expecting her to be a grown up girl. She's been able to dress herself and put her own socks & shoes on for quite some time. Before I was even pregnant. This is not new to her.

I don't get it. :
.

First of all, behavior regression is very common and entirely normal after a new sibling is added to the family. It doesn't surprise me at all that she is needing help in areas where she was formerly self-sufficient. My dd suddenly needed help with wiping again after the baby was born. Recognizing it for what it was (a behavioral regression, and maybe a straight-up need to be babied a bit herself), I decided to do it with a smile each time she asked (that was my intention--not sure I actually managed that attitude every time in reality ). Sure enough, once she adjusted to having the baby in the house, she was once again wiping on her own.

Now, I get the shoes/socks issue, because we have it here, too. Nothing sends me faster than giving dd lots of information about needing to go in 10, 5, 2, 1 minute, so get your shoes on while I get me AND the baby ready, and then standing at the door with a packed diaper bag, snacks for everyone, baby in sling, coats on both of us, and see that dd still has not even FOUND socks or shoes : And now she wants help putting them on . What has helped is identifying a better time for her to put on the shoes and socks. For us, it is often right before I do her hair. She likes me to put pony tails and braids in her hair before we go out....so when she approaches me with the brush and hair ties, I say "get your shoes and socks on, and then come back for me to do your hair". Then it is done. If your dd is needing a bit of babying, maybe you could go to her *before* you start packing everything up for you and the baby (when you have more patience) and offer to put her shoes and socks on for her? Is the weather mild enough to simply grab her shoes and socks and have her put them on in the car (if you take the car)?

If she is consistently missing breakfast, I would plan for it by having some "to go" protein to put in her hand as she goes out the door. Maybe keep some hard boiled eggs in the fridge, and hand her a peeled on before she leaves. And stuff a piece of fruit in her bag. If nuts are an option, a handful of those are a good start, too.

For toys--if she has too many toys out so that the mess is a consistent problem, bagging some up might be a good idea for now. But it would be better (imo) to approach the idea as a help to her (rotating some out, so that she has room to play and an easier time managing mess) rather than a punishment. Maybe have her help thinning the stash, if that is possible. If she was cleaning up better before the baby, it is probably another behavioral regression. Maybe work with her the same way you did when she was younger--did you help her clean up toys when she was 4? Did you sing a clean-up song? Did you make a race/game out of it?

One last thing--she doesn't really think you hate her. She doesn't really comprehend hate at all. She probably feels that, in the moment, you don't have as much time/patience/love for her as you used to (and the time/patience part is probably true right now!), but it is a temporary feeling, in a day filled with many more moments when she feels extremely loved and cared for. I'm not saying to disregard her feelings...not at all. But I, personally, am not crushed to hear dd say that she thinks I hate her when she is upset with me. I assure her that I love her, and we move on with whatever is the problem.

[Magella]

I agree with sunmama that regression is common after the birth of a new sibling. It's a tough time for everyone, and it will pass.

About the shoes and socks, can you sit down with your dd and figure out a plan? She already says she has trouble organizing her time and remembering, so if I were in your shoes I'd use that as a starting point for problem-solving and invite her to help come up with solutions. I find that my kids are really pretty good at coming up with good ideas for solving problems, and the more I involve them in that process the better they get at it and the more smoothly life goes for us.

Like sunmama, we've found that it helps to find a better time to put on shoes and socks. My 6 year old son also has trouble organizing his time, and staying on task/remembering what we just asked him to do. He's distractable. We find that getting shoes and socks on much earlier in the morning helps-he gets his socks on when he's getting dressed, which is as soon as he wakes up, and he gets the shoes on when he gets downstairs. If we wait until 10 minutes before we have to go, it's a disaster.

For breakfast, again I'd involve her in the problem-solving process. Same with toys.

Also, I agree that she probably doesn't think you hate her in the way we adults think of hating someone. She probably is feeling stressed, likely is feeling as discouraged and frustrated by all this as you are, and would like to be getting along better with you. I stronly urge you to think of these areas of struggle in a different way-it's possible that she's really having a hard time doing these things, not just being disobedient because she wants to be. And if you can sit with her to figure out what's getting in her way and work together with her to find solutions, that may feel better to both of you. Working together doesn't mean giving up your concerns and boundaries, not at all, it just means assuming that your child wants to do well and needs help doing well--like needing someone to help her learn to organize her time better.

[HarperRose]

I knew I could count on some good responses. Thank you!!!

She and I will talk about breakfast ideas, maybe make a shopping trip for it, and come up with some better time management solutions, also.

I like the idea of having socks on when she puts on everything else. On the weekends she gets dressed on her own and without argument. On weekdays (school) she just doesn't. ??? I don't understand it.

I feel much better about this since last night. And while I wanted to just go in the bedroom and bag up all the toys, I know my approach will be like the one suggested -- talk to her about it and make it a joint effort so she has more room. We've done that before and it was quite successful.

[HarperRose]

Well today we had a positive day!! I just helped her with her socks and she did her shoes, I never tlked about it, just did it. For breakfast dh is going to make eggs & bacon and they can put it in a tortilla if they want. Also, she made her own lunch for tomorrow and I'm going to make sure she gets a nutritious snack.

[sunnmama]

Wonderful!

My dd really started adjusting to life with the new baby around the 5 wk mark....hopefully your dd will feel more like her old self soon!