Positive Discipline book = CIO????

[Pumpkin_Pie]

I won a gift certificate to a bookstore about 45 minutes from my house a few weeks ago and finally went yesterday. I have been wanting a book on gentle discipline for a while now that DS is starting to become more independent. I picked up "Positive Discipline: The First Three Years" and was impressed enough that I bought it with my g. cert.

Weeeeelllll when I started reading more last night, I found the section on the family bed and CIO. The author states that it "should" take about three to five nights, but the child would develop a sense of being "capable" because they "need to get used to the fact that you know what is best for them and that you are going to stick to your resolve with confidence".

The author goes on to say, "We do no not believe they will feel unloved or abandoned if they have to cry for a while as they learn to fall asleep by themselves, and it is actuallyempowering and loving to teach children the skills they will need to become healthy, responsible people."

I want to return this book, but the trip down and back will cost me nearly as much in gas as if I just keep it and buy another book at a bookstore nearby. I just want to cry. I know this series of books is also well respected here on MDC, and the original "Positive Discipline" and "Positive Discipline A-Z" are listed on the resources thread. Just wanted to give folks a heads up that this one is not so AP.

Also, does anyone have a recommendation for a GD book for an infant/toddler?

[WuWei]

I really dislike those books for of her examples and philosophy. But, they are approachable for those struggling to quit spanking.

I like Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. The subtitle is "Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear". I have read some of it and highly recommend it. Even more than Naomi Aldort's because it goes beyond validation to creating solutions. http://www.amazon.com/Connection-Parenting-Through-Instead-Coercion/dp/193227917\
2/sr=8-1/qid=1158853700/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-4052086-2190453?ie=UTF8&s=books


Here are the chapter titles:

1. Connecting with Ourselves

2. Connecting with Children through Respecting Children (I have to add the explanation of this chapter, it is so novel: "Respect is the foundation of connection. We teach children respect by modeling respect. We model respect by treating children with the same respect we expect.") !!

3. Connecting through Listening to Children's Feelings

4. Connecting through Filling the Love Cup

5. Connecting through Communication that Builds Relationship

6. Connecting through Decoding Children's Behavior (Again, I have to delight in the explanation of this chapter: "Children communicate their emotional hurts and needs through their behavior. When we learn to recognize chidren's acting out behavior as a communication of an unmet need, we can respond to children's needs instead of react to their behavior.")

7. Connecting with Our Own Needs: "Parents have needs too. Families work best when everyone's needs are met."



***See how exciting this book is!! Paperback, 200 pages, $14.

HTH, Pat

[Pumpkin_Pie]

Thanks for the response, that sounds like a good one. One question though. Does it address infants and toddlers specifically?

I was raised that the only way to handle a child is to either hit or shame them, or both. I have it so ingrained in my psyche that I am scared of what is coming with DS. I get so frustrated with him when he bites/pinches/freaks out while I am trying to get him dressed/etc that I would love some tools to start learning now to begin learning how to show love and respect rather than anger. I definitely need something that can be applied to an older infant/young toddler.

[MamaB2C]

I liked Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Discipline Solution, especially the chapters on how to cope with your own anger and frustration as a parent.

[amandaleigh37]

I just read Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, and while it doesn't have specific examples or anything specifically for infants/toddlers, my son is 13 months and I found the book very valuable. It's given me a lot to reflect on and has definitely helped me see the big picture when interacting with my son. I borrowed a copy from the library

[mamazee]

That book is also anti-co-sleeping and anti-extended breastfeeding. Not AP at all. If you ignore that awful stuff the rest isn't bad, but I have a very hard time trusting anyone who gives such bad advice.

[lovemyfamily6]

Wow...I own that book (the whole set) but haven't read much of it. That's terrible advice!

I second Pat's recommendation for Connection Parenting. I'm also reading Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves and like it a lot. I think they could definitely be helpful for very young children. I know I wish I read them when my oldest was still a baby/toddler. I think it would have really helped me in the last few years.

[tatermom]

I do like the Positive Discipline books for the later years, especially Jane Nelson's ideas for teachers in classrooms, but I agree, her advice for the first few years is really off base-- especially that awful CIO advice. I like "Becoming the Parent You Want to Be" by Davis and Keyser for the first few years and "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Faber and Mazlish for a very concrete overall parenting approach (but focuses more on age 2+). Good luck!

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by Pumpkin_Pie

Thanks for the response, that sounds like a good one. One question though. Does it address infants and toddlers specifically?

I was raised that the only way to handle a child is to either hit or shame them, or both. I have it so ingrained in my psyche that I am scared of what is coming with DS. I get so frustrated with him when he bites/pinches/freaks out while I am trying to get him dressed/etc that I would love some tools to start learning now to begin learning how to show love and respect rather than anger. I definitely need something that can be applied to an older infant/young toddler.

While you figure things out (and for me, this is ONGOING), there is a quote floating around (I think it's in Connection Parenting) that goes something like "Think twice, act once." In other words, I remind myself in those moments where I don't know what to do, sometimes it's just better to do nothing, esp. if you were raised with abuse. Allow yourself to just "be."

Here's an analogy-- when I was learning how to drive, the thing that scared me most was making a left turn. Finally, I realized that what was scary was making a left turn and not knowing if I'd get hit. So, I gave myself permission to WAIT, to take my time until I knew it was safe-- as long as it took. Give yourself permission to wait with your reactions until your gut tells you it is safe-- keep yourself safe, keep your son safe.

[anne+arun]

i third the vote for Connection Parenting by Pam Leo...

ive actually written a review of it here.

It is quite relevant to toddlers although the principles and specific tools can be applied to older children. In terms of addressing some of your "ingrained pysche" Kim –*i think it is also a great book and process to do that with.

re some of the other book suggestions – im not so big on Pantley's stuff personally. I did find Alfie Kohn very useful – i think his Unconditional Parenting book is one of his strongest and great for people who are not sure about the whole thing (well referenced and argued).

I did find Aldorts Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves useful but i believe a lot of the concepts are covered in Connection Parenting.

Basically Pam Leo covers so much in such a practical way ... if you only had one book on parenting i would say get Connection Parenting –though why you would have only one book on parenting i dont know

all the best
arun
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http://www.theparentingpit.com

[Pumpkin_Pie]

Thanks so much for the info. I am going to call the bookstore today to see if I can mail the book I bought back and have them ship me Connection Parenting. I really like the idea of respecting children as we would an adult. Having received no respect as a child, and knowing how much it made me distrust my parents makes me want to learn the tools I need to always respect my son.

Thanks so much!

[riversong]

I agree that Nelson has terrible advice regarding co-sleeping, extended bfing and CIO. I use her Positive Discipline book in my classroom when I was a teacher and liked it. I was very disappointed in the "First Three Years" book (I bought it, too). However, as I've read more and more parenting books, I've realized that there's usually something in each one that I don't agree with. I just try to take something positive away from a book and leave behind what I think is wrong. That said, if the entire philosophy of a book is contrary to my better judgment, I just get rid of it.

I really liked PET (Parent Effectiveness Training.) I think the author is Gordon. Also, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Not many books address how to talk to an infant or toddler, though. You kinda have to store up your knowledge until they're a little older.

[anne+arun]

Originally Posted by riversong

I really liked PET (Parent Effectiveness Training.) I think the author is Gordon.

PET was the first alternative parenting stuff i ever read. Its pretty powerful if you are starting from a mainstream non gd position. There are quite a few trainers of it around also –*although many of the ones i tracked down had moved onto NVC (non violent communication). There is also a funny "Everyone Loves Raymond" episode that has him going to a PET course (apparently the producer did one and loved it)

arun
---------
http://www.theparentingpit.com