WWYD (if you were the mum) in this situation?

[MilkTrance]

My friend is a mother of two, a little boy and a little girl, who is 7.

Situation:

Little girl's stepgrandad is teasing her -- kicking her butt, stealing her tiara, etc. She keeps saying "No!" and "Stop that!" in an angry tone. Mother admonishes her for being rude. Stepgrandad persists in bugging little girl, and little girl keeps on protesting his behaviour. Little girl's mother tells the party that little girl has an "attitude" and needs to go to bed now for being rude.

WWYD in this situation if you were the Mommy?

I ask because I don't have any kids, just my one little baby, so I'm new at this parenting stuff.

But my instincts told me that it's wrong to not acknowledge the little girl's discomfort. Yes, she could have said PLEASE stop that, I suppose. If it's important to mum for the "please" to be added, could the mother have said, "Little girl, I need to speak with you for a second" and in a separate room, away from the crowd, tell her to say "please" when asking someone to do or not do something. On the other hand, why was the little girl's feelings ignored? If someone were bothering me, I would tell them to stop!

So now, the little girl is taught that her feelings don't matter AND she was "shamed" in front of the party.

I was a sensitive child, so this would have really bothered me.

But I know not all kids are the same, so I ask WWYD if you were the mum?

[southernmommie]

I would have asked the guy to stop. If that didn't work, leave if possible.

[TinyMama]

Sounds like the stepgrandad needed to leave the party instead...he was the one behaving badly!

I have a very low tolerance for adults teasing children. I'm usually pretty live-and-let-live, but to me this kind of teasing borders on torture. As a sensitive child, I would have cried and it would have taken me a long time to get over something like this. When adults do this to aggressive/less sensitive children, they are demonstrating their dominance and modeling a horrific way to act towards smaller/less powerful people.

I never, ever, ever allow teasing to happen to children in my care. If I had to see this person regularly, I would've spoken to them about it. If not, I would make an excuse to call the child over to me, or I would have simply walked over, taken the child's hand, and left the room("Come and help me with something...").

Also: I would never make an issue about manners in this kind of situation. IMO it's usually inappropriate to correct manners during stressful situations.

[rmzbm]

BOTH mom & stepdad were way out of line. No "please" is needed when asking someone to stop assaulting you!

[Imogen]

I would be very uncomfortable if someone was causing my son distress and invading his personal space in such a way, as well as not respecting his requests for this to stop.

The Mum in this situation really needs to take a stand on this, and respect her daughter's wishes & requests.


Peace

[MountainLaurel]

Originally Posted by rmzbm

BOTH mom & stepdad were way out of line. No "please" is needed when asking someone to stop assaulting you!

And the mother's condoning this behavior teaches the little girl that

a: She doesn't have the right to control what's happening to her own body where adults are concerned.

b: That her mother will not protect her.

[flapjack]

Sorry, different take on this. The "glue" in this family- whoever was responsible for the blend, be it the grandmother who remarried or the stepfather- should have intervened. Mum was put in a situation where she had to choose between offending stepgrandad (i.e. not her dad) and upsetting DD, and the whole darn family let both women, mother and child, down. In this situation it maybe wouldn't have been inappropriate for another adult to step in and distract the foul old man.
That's the way I see it anyhow. If you don't nurture a mother, HTH do you expect her to nurture her children? Not to say that what she did was right, but she got her child OUT of a horrible situation, and might well have apologised later. Family politics are funny things.

[mamajama]

Originally Posted by rmzbm

BOTH mom & stepdad were way out of line. No "please" is needed when asking someone to stop assaulting you!

yes.
How sickening

[mamajama]

interesting perspective flapjack. I agree with you also.

[wendy1221]

I don't really care about offending adults when it comes to protecting my kids. I would have told him to leave my child alone, and I don't care who he is and if he's offended. My kids come before anyone else to me, and that includes offending some patriarch in the family if need be. I've told my grandfather to lave my kids alone before, and yes, he got offended, but he respected that I am my kids mother and if I don't like it, it's my right to tell him to stop.

[ShaggyDaddy]

i like what flapjack said. also, if i was *any* adult witnessing that i would have said something.

[ShannonT]

I usually have to step in and tell my dad to cool it when he's bothering my niece or nephew. My brother and SIL are afraid they might offend him. :

[aja-belly]

Originally Posted by ShaggyDaddy

i like what flapjack said. also, if i was *any* adult witnessing that i would have said something.

oops - that was me. i'm on sd's laptop. not payin attention....

[birdie22]

My little guy is only 3, but he's kind of a serious, introspective kid. This kind of thing comes up all the time with our extended family, where somebody tries to tickle him or tease him to get him to laugh or react. (DH has been known to do this, without thinking. I think it's just the way his family is.)

I usually say matter-of-factly, "he's trying to tell you he doesn't want you to do that." So far, this has always worked. It kind of makes them feel stupid, but so what?

If the adult persisted, I would get mama-bear on him. I think they know this, which is why the don't go there, KWIM?

Punishing the child for standing up for her personal integrity is just crazy, IMO.

[Beverly]

Originally Posted by MountainLaurel

And the mother's condoning this behavior teaches the little girl that

a: She doesn't have the right to control what's happening to her own body where adults are concerned.

b: That her mother will not protect her.

Yep, I agree.

[Sheal]

Originally Posted by MilkTrance

My friend is a mother of two, a little boy and a little girl, who is 7.

Situation:

Little girl's stepgrandad is teasing her -- kicking her butt, stealing her tiara, etc. She keeps saying "No!" and "Stop that!" in an angry tone. Mother admonishes her for being rude. Stepgrandad persists in bugging little girl, and little girl keeps on protesting his behaviour. Little girl's mother tells the party that little girl has an "attitude" and needs to go to bed now for being rude.

WWYD in this situation if you were the Mommy?

I ask because I don't have any kids, just my one little baby, so I'm new at this parenting stuff.

But my instincts told me that it's wrong to not acknowledge the little girl's discomfort. Yes, she could have said PLEASE stop that, I suppose. If it's important to mum for the "please" to be added, could the mother have said, "Little girl, I need to speak with you for a second" and in a separate room, away from the crowd, tell her to say "please" when asking someone to do or not do something. On the other hand, why was the little girl's feelings ignored? If someone were bothering me, I would tell them to stop!

So now, the little girl is taught that her feelings don't matter AND she was "shamed" in front of the party.

I was a sensitive child, so this would have really bothered me.

But I know not all kids are the same, so I ask WWYD if you were the mum?

Your instincts are on the mark. If I were there I would have said something directly to the grandfather in a polite manner.

Sheal

[Mammy Julie]

My parents tease and tickle Adam and sometimes he enjoys it but its always obvious when hes had enough. When he was younger and therefore to young to defend himself I always stood up for him - thats my job as a mother. Once he became verbal I taught him to say 'NO' in a firm voice and if my parents (or anyone else) ignored himthen i would back him up and say 'he told you no, he wants you to stop'. I think its an issue of safety too - we need to teach our children that they are in control of their own bodies and if theyre ignored when they do that what does that teach them? that adults can do what they like to their body and they have to accept that because theyreonly children? this occasion it may have just been tickling and teasing but if heaven forbid someone ever did something seriously wrong this little girl feel like she could turn to her mother for help.

Flapjacks perspective is interesting too and i agree we should stand up for other mothers too.

[Learning_Mum]

I would have told Granddad to stop. Adults often play these sort of games, but then don't realise when the child has had enough, and that to me is when it becomes a problem. Once it was obvious that the little girl was starting to get upset I would have stepped in and said that she wasn't enjoying it anymore and to stop.

I still remember being tickled or something when I was younger, and it was fun for a while but then my brother (or whoever) would take it too far and I'd end up getting upset.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by flapjack

That's the way I see it anyhow. If you don't nurture a mother, HTH do you expect her to nurture her children? Not to say that what she did was right, but she got her child OUT of a horrible situation, and might well have apologised later. Family politics are funny things.

While I agree that other people should have stepped up to the plate to defend this little girl's rights (ideally the Grandmother should have spoken up to her husband), and it shouldn't have been all up to the mother -- I disagree with the idea that it was okay for the mother to give in to family politics. I'm not sure if this is what you meant.

I suppose it may have improved things, if the mother took her dd out and then apologized for sacrificing her rather than confronting the step-grandad. But then the mother should have resolved to NEVER do this to her dd again. And gone with her dd and confronted the step-grandad at a later time.

But IMO, an apology to her dd wouldn't mean very much without concrete evidence that Mama was going to dig deep and find that inner Mama-bear in future. In comparison, Mama-bears might find it ideal if all nature were united with them in their endeavors to protect their cubs -- but they don't use the less-than-ideal support situation to justify letting a jaguar tear their babies to pieces. We shouldn't either!

[Kessed]

Originally Posted by flapjack

Not to say that what she did was right, but she got her child OUT of a horrible situation, and might well have apologised later. Family politics are funny things.

I agree with this. She got her child out of the situation. That's FAR better than leaving her child there for the step granddad to continue to torment.We don't know if the mom had been brutalized as a child to the point where she wasn't able to stand up for her child.

Personally I would have intervened on my child's behalf and not cared at all if anyone was offended.