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Hello, My Name is Lisa - Page 3

post #41 of 89
s: Lisa
post #42 of 89
Lisa. We're all here for you.
post #43 of 89
I am so sorry Lisa. I wish I could help you somehow.
post #44 of 89
Oh Lisa, I don't really know you well, but I have tears in my eyes for you. You are so very loved and special. And this dark place you are in WILL get better. It really, really will. Things will get easier. This is the hard part but it won't always be like this. You are surrounded by people who love you, including SO MUCH love from MDC.

I know sometimes your MDC friends might seem just like usernames on the computer, but each one of us is a real woman who really loves you and would give you a real hug-- and so much more!-- if you were here in person. Try to think about that.

Love you.
post #45 of 89
we love you and are thinking of you.
post #46 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by LionTigerBear View Post
Oh Lisa, I don't really know you well, but I have tears in my eyes for you. You are so very loved and special. And this dark place you are in WILL get better. It really, really will. Things will get easier. This is the hard part but it won't always be like this. You are surrounded by people who love you, including SO MUCH love from MDC.

I know sometimes your MDC friends might seem just like usernames on the computer, but each one of us is a real woman who really loves you and would give you a real hug-- and so much more!-- if you were here in person. Try to think about that.

Love you.
This.

Sending you much love.
post #47 of 89
Your diagnoses are labels. Please don't dwell on those words and become them. You are apparently a loving mom in a good relationship. I know the feeling of wanting to hide under the covers. I hope you have friends and neighbors whom you can ask for help. I am thinking of you and look forward to getting to know you better.
post #48 of 89
sweetie, much love an light to you.
post #49 of 89
you are loved.
post #50 of 89
Thread Starter 
Thank you all. I seriously have tears in my eyes... I am getting therapy, both individual and couples counselling. There is so much more to this than what I have posted, but it is ... quite painful and very personal. I'm feeling better, but I get tired quickly, overwhelmed quickly... emotionally exhausted quickly. I want better for my kids than this... partial parent I've been for so long now. Six months? maybe more? I can't remember how long it's been since I looked at my family and felt joy. Even now, I don't feel it. And I wonder how they must feel, knowing that I simply don't ... care? I don't know how else to put it. I care, but I don't. It's like ... they're some family on a TV special. Or something.

And really, I wonder why the heck I ever had five children? I understand WHY it happened... impulsivity. Not thinking through. But at the same time, if I didn't have them, which ones would I choose not to have? Impossible choice, yk? They're all unique and loveable, even if I can't find it within myself to see the joy they bring. I remember all the times I would bake bread from scratch... make homemade icecream. Make Waldorf dolls... all of that. I was Uber Mama from hell. Now i'm reduced to... almost nothing.
post #51 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoodWillHunter View Post
Thank you all. I seriously have tears in my eyes... I am getting therapy, both individual and couples counselling. There is so much more to this than what I have posted, but it is ... quite painful and very personal. I'm feeling better, but I get tired quickly, overwhelmed quickly... emotionally exhausted quickly. I want better for my kids than this... partial parent I've been for so long now. Six months? maybe more? I can't remember how long it's been since I looked at my family and felt joy. Even now, I don't feel it. And I wonder how they must feel, knowing that I simply don't ... care? I don't know how else to put it. I care, but I don't. It's like ... they're some family on a TV special. Or something.

And really, I wonder why the heck I ever had five children? I understand WHY it happened... impulsivity. Not thinking through. But at the same time, if I didn't have them, which ones would I choose not to have? Impossible choice, yk? They're all unique and loveable, even if I can't find it within myself to see the joy they bring. I remember all the times I would bake bread from scratch... make homemade icecream. Make Waldorf dolls... all of that. I was Uber Mama from hell. Now i'm reduced to... almost nothing.

There is healing mama. Try not to look at those memories to find present "failures". Look at those memories as built up escrow to sustain your children in times of hardship. With all those wonderful memories of "uber mama" comes a knowledge that they are loved, and within them, a hope and reassurance that you will once again be the mama you want to be. Besides, baking bread does not a good mother make.

You are not almost nothing. What you are, is a mama who seemed to be running on empty for a long time and couldn't keep on moving without fuel. I have been where you are, psych ward and all... and there is healing. There is hope and healing and love, and yes... even joy... even joy mama to be had again.

This is just a season in your life, and what we know of seasons in nature and in life, is that the hardest, coldest, darkest winter does not last forever and soon emerges into a beautiful, green, warm, springtime where winter seems like a distant memory nearly the day spring begins.

You will have your spring mama. Your spring is coming. Hold fast to the knowledge that was once was, can be again and dreams don't die.... they just change. Dream a new dream for your life where you are kinder to yourself, where you don't expect so much of yourself, where you know that love doesn't mean you have to be super mom 24 hours a day.


There is healing mama and I pray it for you soon.

PS you are not a diagnosis either.
post #52 of 89
Please don't define your normal off abnormality. I'm not saying that those that bake bread from scratch are crazy - just that I have someone I love very very much who has based her reality on her manic days. It depresses her more to calibrate the exact difference between now and then, without stopping to consider the huge range of normal she is bypassing to reminisce about abnormality.

Something I'm been ruminating on - labels. Labels can be accurate, but still not very descriptive. For example, someone might be 34, left handed, a scorpio, homebirther, mother, and a brunette. Each label is accurate, but it doesn't really describe the whole, ya know? Some of those diagnosises you threw out there are pretty heavy stuff. Please don't let acceptance of them keep you from celebrating all the parts of you that aren't described by those labels.
post #53 of 89
Lisa,
I was so glad to see your post this morning. I was getting worried that we hadn't heard from you.

I can't offer you much in words of wisdom- just know you are not alone, know that we are here for you, and we understand, and most importantly, we don't think you are broken.
post #54 of 89
honey.... (((hugs)))
post #55 of 89
Thread Starter 
Why does every task i do seem to take forever? I have so much to do and very little time to do it. I really do need to find some knee high combat boots before saturday and i don't see it happening. i also need to find something before tomorrow night and i'm booked all day tomorrow

*deep breath* i feel like someone opened up a dump truck on me and just dumped everything on me. maybe i can wait until DH gets home to go get the combat boots? gads.
post #56 of 89
I suspect when you've been super mom for so long, it's hard to get going from where you are now. It's ok. Things just take time.

You are only one human and you will get done what you can.

It's also hard to ask for help. Are there things you need to get that you can hand off to dh to pick up on his way home from work? Can you call a friend and say "I need this item, do you think you'll be anywhere near that store today and can you get it for me?" It's all little steps but I suspect that part of coping is realizing that you don't have to do it all. It is ok to get help. By asking, you are building a small community and becoming part o f it.

I am quite isolated in real life in many practical ways. I can't do all I need to and I have few people to ask for help but I am beginning to learn to ask for help and you know what, when I ask, it's gladly offered! I am always surprised at how willing a friend is to watch my kid or pick up something for me. It makes me feel connected and not isolated when I do this.
post #57 of 89
(((Lisa)))) Much love to you. You're a very special person and I'm glad to see you posting here today. Wishing you healing and support to get through this tough time.
post #58 of 89
Thread Starter 
You know, it hit me the other day. I weaned my last nursling on October 2. I got my nipples pierced, my declaration of independence. The hormonal change from that.... the fact that it's getting darker outside earlier... the stress in my marriage (which is ... HUGE). I'm in the middle of a change, finding who I am. And it just became more than I thought it would be. I don't know who I am anymore. So I resorted to old coping mechanisms that worked (NOT) years ago, before motherhood. And it didn't work. Everything feels like it's ... bombarding me. Like nothing i do is enough. One child wants me to make playdough. Only issue is that they used up all the salt "cooking" this morning *sigh*. So I can't. But he's still walking around saying "I want playdough" and quite frankly if I hear that one more time, I might go postal again. I am at my limit this morning already (1230PM) and I've had enough. so I'm hiding. And I'm about to go to sleep. I'm tired. We hiked 2.5 miles over rocky/rough terrain today, so I'm tired and the kids are tired. I guess I'm really wishing I was somewhere else.
post #59 of 89


I completely understand.

Have they checked for any obvious physical problems, like thyroid issues, vitamin deficiencies, etc., that might be contributing to all of this?
post #60 of 89
The hike was a great idea; Getting out, being physical, getting away. But I bet you're 2x as tired as normal. Make sure when you plan something like that you also plan on some rest after - at least for now. It's ok to take rest when your body needs it. When we're not well rested, we are not effective at anything.

Remind yourself that you DID get out and hike today, the kids got exercise and were in nature with their mother. You can take pride in the small accomplishments because every time you do - you are one step closer to finding yourself again.

Much love Lisa.
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