post #41 of 89
12/10/07 at 6:15pm
Oh Lisa, I don't really know you well, but I have tears in my eyes for you. You are so very loved and special. And this dark place you are in WILL get better. It really, really will. Things will get easier. This is the hard part but it won't always be like this. You are surrounded by people who love you, including SO MUCH love from MDC.
I know sometimes your MDC friends might seem just like usernames on the computer, but each one of us is a real woman who really loves you and would give you a real hug-- and so much more!-- if you were here in person. Try to think about that.
Thank you all. I seriously have tears in my eyes... I am getting therapy, both individual and couples counselling. There is so much more to this than what I have posted, but it is ... quite painful and very personal. I'm feeling better, but I get tired quickly, overwhelmed quickly... emotionally exhausted quickly. I want better for my kids than this... partial parent I've been for so long now. Six months? maybe more? I can't remember how long it's been since I looked at my family and felt joy. Even now, I don't feel it. And I wonder how they must feel, knowing that I simply don't ... care? I don't know how else to put it. I care, but I don't. It's like ... they're some family on a TV special. Or something.
And really, I wonder why the heck I ever had five children? I understand WHY it happened... impulsivity. Not thinking through. But at the same time, if I didn't have them, which ones would I choose not to have? Impossible choice, yk? They're all unique and loveable, even if I can't find it within myself to see the joy they bring. I remember all the times I would bake bread from scratch... make homemade icecream. Make Waldorf dolls... all of that. I was Uber Mama from hell. Now i'm reduced to... almost nothing.