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Let's Talk: Known Donors

post #1 of 33
Thread Starter 
For those of you who have a KD or are on the hunt for one.
Let's chat.

For us, we have narrowed it down to two possibilities. We are currently waiting on STD screens to come back on one and then we will be testing #2.


#1 wants to be involved as an "uncle" and has already met our kids and is a great guy. He is an old high school buddy of mine. We happened to run into each other at my work one day and have been hanging out often ever since.
DP and #1 get along awesome. I think they are better friends than he and I are. Our only hesitation is (and it's TINY TINY TINY) is that he has such distinct features that are the polar opposite of us. We would love to find someone who looks more like DP so the baby could "look like her" but it isn't a deal breaker.

#2 is very dettached and doesn't want to be involved at all. I like him but he isn't that male role model we would love to have for our child. He is, at this moment, our back up plan. If something happens with #1, we know it wouldn't be world ending to use #2.

Tell me about your KD or your hunt for one.
post #2 of 33
hi there --

we are working with a KD in another city 3 1/2 hours away when we can work out the travel and/or everyone is in the country or region (we all travel a lot!), and when it doesn't work out we're using identity-release sperm from a bank.

we had a VERY short list of men to ask to consider being a KD. Most of the men i would consider are HIV+ and sperm washing costs too much. There was no one special person who really stood out.

One had offered to do it in the past to my partner and is a dear friend of hers. but when she asked, he started to cry and said he would love to be a co-parent but his husband does not want a child in their lives. Also he lives in another city than us so it would be complicated to figure out involvement.

I was telling a longtime work colleague (not co-worker but someone in the same social movement as me) that we were planning to start trying to make a baby and he said "you can have my sperm." turns out a very good friend of his had asked in the past and his wife nixed it. But now he was going through a divorce... I had thought of him in the past because he's a great person and very level headed, etc. so indeed he was on our tiny list.

He took a sperm count and it was fantastic supersperm, really off the charts! He had gotten someone pregnant in the past but she had an abortion. He was 53 and had realized that he was not likely to parent, and seemed very genuine that it would be up to me and my partner to determine his level of involvement. his only thing was he wanted to know if we ever moved to another city, etc. not totally lose touch. We were talking about "uncle" terms.

Then his girlfriend got pregnant! she's 43 and has 2 young kids already! so that was complicated for them and they had to figure out what to do so that combined with summer travel complications was when we switched to the frozen stuff.

Now she is due in a month! So we feel even better about working with him as a donor as he will have his own child... and our child would have a half-sibling who is known, etc...

All in all, my partner inseminated on 5 occasions -- twice with frozen IUI, and three times with the KD. The first 2 times with the KD we didn't know as much as we do know and our timing was almost surely a bit off, and she does not have fertile mucus. The last time was going to be a month off, but she happened to be in his town when he was around and she was ovulating, so it was a one shot deal.

I tried for the first time with 1 frozen ICI before we got to him, and then 2 fresh KD inseminations and am sure I conceived. But after about 8 days the symptoms subsided as I guess implantation didn't happen, and I got my period right on schedule.

So... we are trying again with him this month IF his baby isn't born early -- she's been having A LOT of premature contractions and has been put on bed rest, etc... But even if we do get to him, I also want to add one frozen IUI as I am turning 40 this week and i've seen it strongly recommended for women my age...

so if we do do that and i do get pregnant, we'll get a DNA test. I'd love to have our KD be the source, but not so much that I don't want to do everything possible to get pregnant and stay pregnant as soon as possible given my age.

I think it make sense what you are doing with your choices #1 and #2, as long as they both have strong sperm counts. Are you getting them along with the STD screens? To me, that was going to make or break it -- there's so many challenges that I didn't want a lower sperm count to be added into them, especially if this was not someone we were going to co-parent with...

We've also thought about trying to find a local KD who we could work with every month. This might become more and more attractive if it takes me a while to get pregnant as the frozen stuff really adds up.... so we have a list of our friends' husbands to start with, but that seems like it could get complicated! Maybe we would go the Craigs List route that others are talking about -- would love to have gay sperm!

:
post #3 of 33
Our donor doesn't have supersperm in fact it was slightly sub par. But, it did the trick and we're so happy to have used him. He doesn't have perfect family health history but a long stretch but was the right person. We also liked that he had similar heritage to us. Most people think Finn looks more like me than his birth mommy.
post #4 of 33
We started out using frozen because we didn't really know any bio-guys. After fighting with timing and other disadvantages (not to mention cost! oy!) we decided to ask the universe for help. We posted an ad on craigslist, which is against the rules, asking for a queer guy to help us out. We would not consider a co-parent situation but would consider an uncle type arrangement. All rights must be signed over before the babe would be seen by the donor. The ad was up for a few days before some one flagged it. The same person who flagged it wrote a big rant about how horrible we were for trying to "create a gay army" by propagating. Knowing we would be pulled the ranter copied our complete add including contact info into the rant. We did get a few good responses before the ad was flagged but our best response came from some one who read the rant. He was horrified by the ranter and contacted us offering help. That ended up being our wonderful donor!

We did the usual tests, which he insisted his insurance pay for. It was a struggle to get him to let us pay for coffee when we had our pre-contract meetings! He signed a donor contract with us even though we both know it isn't legally binding. He is open to a possible fun uncle arrangement but says he wants us to decide if/when that would be possible. He has no interest in parenting at this point in his life and doesn't really think that he ever will but likes the thought of having some one to spoil and then return home to the parents.

We've been spending more time with him since we started inseming in late October and have developed a friendship. We couldn't have asked for some one more accommodating. Our only problem with him is that he is so darn tall and lanky! Jake and I are short and roly-poly so it is going to be a funny family picture if the kid favors the kd!
post #5 of 33
Thread Starter 
We posted a CL ad and got mostly creepy responses and a gay couple who were interested in co-parenting. We had one guy who we thought might work out but he vanished so

Our ad got pulled a few days later but before it did, we got a ton of responses from local lesbians asking us if we had any luck using CL... so I now know that we aren't the only ones in the area hunting for sperm.
post #6 of 33
Thread Starter 
We haven't had the #'s tested yet and are probably only going to do that if we go through a few cycles with trouble. We are really trying to keep this as "homegrown" as possible.

We have been spoiling our KD(#1) with dinners and such and as a return favor, he is helping us move!! I guess it helps to have a guy around.
post #7 of 33
Are you doing DIY insem or through a clinic? I did DIY myself, got two pregnancies out of it! Saves a boatload of cash that does...
post #8 of 33
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
Are you doing DIY insem or through a clinic? I did DIY myself, got two pregnancies out of it! Saves a boatload of cash that does...

DIY.
Syringe and cup.
Akward, messy, and totally fun!
post #9 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by simplelah View Post
DIY.
Syringe and cup.
Akward, messy, and totally fun!
Yep, that's what I did too. Ah the nostalgia. I got my first syringes from a farm supply store because we didn't have good ones in the drug stores here when I conceived my daughter. Now whenever I hear the jingle I get sentimental. It goes:

TSC stores we really care
Your superstore for farm, auto, hardware.

Awwww!!
post #10 of 33
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
Yep, that's what I did too. Ah the nostalgia. I got my first syringes from a farm supply store because we didn't have good ones in the drug stores here when I conceived my daughter. Now whenever I hear the jingle I get sentimental. It goes:

TSC stores we really care
Your superstore for farm, auto, hardware.

Awwww!!
Awww, that's sweet!
We got ours from the pharmacy. It stays in my nightstand and we named it Sir.

I am at a loss of what to use for a cup. We used a dixie cup when we were TTC before.
post #11 of 33
Yeah, dixie cup, baggie, whatever. If the donor has a foreskin he might not even need a cup. You just want something that is not going to affect the sperm quality. Coffee cup?
post #12 of 33
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
Coffee cup?

Sterile cycle on the dishwasher afterwards?
post #13 of 33
Oh yeah... there is that. I guess i wouldn't want to drink from it again.
post #14 of 33
Thread Starter 
The kids have these really great cups that are just the "right size". I considered them for a moment or two before I actually thought about the ewwww factor.

Shame on me.


Shot glass?
post #15 of 33
Ah yes, the receptacle question.

We use a baby food jar. Our donor loves to joke about how much he loves it.

But it works. I think a baggy might mean that the goods get stuck around all over, but I guess with careful use.....

I'm sure there are some large-scale randomized studies about the best container for donation that I just haven't come across yet.

be well,
megin
post #16 of 33
our KD is quite partial to a Pyrex BOWL!!
I know! I know! We started off with a small cup, upgraded to a wide mouth jar and eventually he asked for a BOWL??!!! I guess he has problems with aim? A friend of ours and ex KD's spilled the beans that he isn't very "well endowed" and that can make aim difficult?? TMI?? To be honest, I don't care as long as he keeps giving us those free swimmers
post #17 of 33
We used a glass jar with a lid that had had artichoke hearts in it, i think. that has since disappeared and last time we used a canning jar... both worked fine!
post #18 of 33
Thread Starter 
Is it bad that I sorted through my pantry to see if anything we had was in a cool jar (and that I will probably go out of my way to buy something in a jar for this use)??
post #19 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by simplelah View Post
Is it bad that I sorted through my pantry to see if anything we had was in a cool jar (and that I will probably go out of my way to buy something in a jar for this use)??
Oh no! Not at all. We've purchased multiple jars of baby food that then went down the drain in service of the almighty sperm.
post #20 of 33
We just use specimen cups, like the ones Dr's give you to pee in for tests. I bought them and some syringes at an online pharmacy.
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