I just feel like I'm about to lose it

[kathteach]

I don't even know where to start. The breastfeeding thing just sucks. Sucks. After an hour and a half of feeding I weighed him and he took 2 oz. TWO OUNCES, and a week and a half ago he was taking anywhere from 2.5 to 4 at each feeding. I just want to scream. Plus he spit up five times, that can't be normal and I don't know what the hell is wrong. He screams and thrashes and I know there's milk in there because I'm currently pumping it out. I can't function anymore doing breast/pumping/bottle anymore. I'm about ready to give up here. My toddler cries for me and tries to climb up the boppy and it kills me. I can't take care of two babies. I'm terrible. AP? What's AP? This morning I felt like running away when I heard the crying and when they are both crying I just want to run away or scream at them. Which of course I can't but my feelings are so strong it's hard for me to connect because I'm just barely holding it together. I know today I am going to watch crap tv, binge on crap food, and cry. And of course my hair will remain the rat's nest it's morphed into. I am so furious I can't breastfeed, I am so furious I can't be loving and nurturing. Instead I feel hateful and miserable.

[sorteep]

ohhh hun.. i'm sorry... sounds like some reflux issues.. soooo tough.. i had similar horrific time with ds2 but no toddler can't imagine... it took me a loong time to bond with him but i did and i gutted it out with bf and it finally got better,,, honestly.. do what you need to do to survive.... pacis, swings, formula ... sometimes we just can't do it all and that is ok.. btdt... many hugs..

[adon]

mama

i don't have any advice, but i do understand the wanting to run. when i had DS he screamed for the first 4 mths. we didn't know he had a dairy allergy, and he didn't want to nurse because he figured out that was why he never felt good. and that was only one child. hang in there! it will get better! we're here to support you whenever you need it

[sorteep]

my kids are all super sensitive to foods..here's what i eat when bf sorry to all veg mammas...

beef, chicken, turkey, lamb, flounder, tilapia, wild salmon
ghee, olive oil, grapeseed oil, coconut oil, flaxoil, sunflower oil
lettuce, spinach, celery, green beans, avocado
pears, mango, bananas, melon, kiwi
carrots, yams, parsnips , beets
honey, salt, pepper, lemon juice
rice, quinoa, corn, millet, flax, hemp
rice milk, hemp milk, water

all prepped plain

anything else greatly increases the vomiting arching crying crap

hth
hugs

[boogiemonster]

I've had those days, too, where I want nothing more than to put on my jacket and just LEAVE. No advice, sorry, but lots of sympathy.

[GinaRae]

Ohhh mama! I totally feel for you. I can only imagine! With an evening like ours (I didn't think twice about eating alfredo sauce ... until the screaming started!) I can only imagine what it's like having a toddler on top of that. I don't know how you're holding up as well as you are.

Have you seen someone who can help or, at the very least, understand? LLL? They should be able to help you with why baby isn't taking in enough, etc.

Can your toddler snuggle in closer beside you while you feed the baby so he's not climbing you?

[lisalulu]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I had major meltdown this weekend and dh kicked me out of the house after I fed the baby. All I did was go shopping for 45 minutes but it really helped. Any chance you can get out alone for a walk or something? DH swore I was a new person when I got back.

[wwisdomskr]

:

[maisiedotes]

I am sorry you are dealing with all of that! I am the breastfeeding issues QUEEN. I totally feel for you. I am at the point where I dread breastfeeding because I know it is going to be a good hour of time with her getting frustrated, me getting frustrated, and lots of pain. It just isn't fair! And I am only having to care for one child. I wish I had some advice but I only have hugs.

[De-lovely]

Oh Katherine....I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Does it help if you sit in a chair versus a couch where you are easily accessible? In a chair maybe DS1 cant get to you as easy though it doesnt alleviate his crying for you I suppose. Your nursing relationship IS WORTH IT but its not worth it of you feel as though you are going to lose it. I know sometimes the pressures of being AP and the community that surround it have been too much for me. Dont make decisions out of guilt...make them out of love. Thats all.....

BIG BIG HUGS.

[*Lindsey*]

s Katherine. I'm so sorry you and Desmond are having such a rough time.

[kathteach]

Thanks everyone. It was such an incredible relief to write that out. I just thought we had really made it to ebf and then this happened. NFL/AP is totally foreign to me but something I want to make part of my lifestyle. I was raised on stuff like Velveeta and white bread and have a lot of past dysfunctional family issues. I don't like to talk about them because I don't want to be a victim. I want to go forward and make a new path with my family, but it is hard. I am afraid a lot of the time that I could be emotionally hurting my kids without even knowing because I never learned how to be mentally and physically healthy and it's like I'm trying to catch up and mother at the same time. I hope this is not too much personal information. Seriously I don't know what I'd do without you guys. I depend on this DDC and MDC a lot. I'm always here trying to learn and seeing what all of you do, it keeps my mind on track. It's like bf is a symbol of health and something I can do for DS. I have a major family history of juvenile and adult onset diabetes and breastmilk can help Desi's chances of not getting it. I am thinking about going back to exclusively pumping. I did it with Edgar so I know I can do it with Desmond too. I just don't know right now.

Thanks again for the support and advice. I really want you all to understand that you guys are the best. Both babies are napping right now so I am going to rest and focus on being positive.

[GinaRae]

Just remember that behind many many many of our MDC ID's are mamas just like you who have come on long journeys and are learning how to parent right along with you!

[*Lindsey*]

Originally Posted by GinaRae

Just remember that behind many many many of our MDC ID's are mamas just like you who have come on long journeys and are learning how to parent right along with you!

: This is me, too. I didn't have a great childhood and my mom made many mistakes. I find myself worrying often that if I don't do things "just right" (at least very different from how I was parented) I'm going to screw my kids up.

[GinaRae]

And when they reach 6, 9 and 12 like mine, you'll be SURE you've screwed them up , but you'll still be committed to doing it better than your parents. Any improvement is never too small!!

[Curlita]

No answers, but you are so not alone... Some days I feel like I spend all my time counting the minutes to naptime/husband coming home/bedtime. This is really hard. Hang in there.

[*Lindsey*]

Originally Posted by Curlita

No answers, but you are so not alone... Some days I feel like I spend all my time counting the minutes to naptime/husband coming home/bedtime. This is really hard. Hang in there.

I live for bed time most days.

[Danielle69]

I totally feel your pain. I feel like running away too! I tell my husband I am going to stay with my mom for a week or so. I'm not-but somehow saying it makes me feel better. My 5 year old is soooo jealous of the baby and torturing me because of it. She is an active one to start and throw in a little evil-and watch out! Things were a little better today because I really tried to trust her with the baby and let her hold her and get closer then usual, and I think it worked. BUT-my husband left her upstairs for a minute and came back to find her putting a comforther over her face.... So! there ya go. I am so stressed I feel like my neck will just crack off my body- it is such a mass of knots. If I weren't nursing I would ask the doc for anti-anxeity meds. Which is huge for me because I don't do meds. All I do is yell, and walk around with a scowl on my face. Yuck! Today-I really made an effort to just change my attitude and calm the hell down and try to see the blessings.....There are so many.....For all of us.