Advice for a Mom whose d has announced

[SusanElizabeth]

My DD who is 20 years old and a junior in college called to tell us (her parents) that she's in a romantic relationship with another woman. I told her that I love the woman she's involved with (because I've known her for several years), and I told my daughter that I love her very much. (My husband questioned whether I should have said that I "love" her girlfriend.) Does anyone who has been through this have any advice for parents about what you should and shouldn't say? I'm finding that I have many different emotional reactions to my daughter's announcement. I don't want to do the wrong thing -- meaning alienate my daughter in any way -- so any advice would be greatly appreciated. Oh - I wanted to add that I'm what you might think of as "straighter" than you would think would normally be posting here, so I hope that's OK.

[pdxmomazon]

Originally Posted by SusanElizabeth

My DD who is 20 years old and a junior in college called to tell us (her parents) that she's in a romantic relationship with another woman. I told her that I love the woman she's involved with (because I've known her for several years), and I told my daughter that I love her very much. (My husband questioned whether I should have said that I "love" her girlfriend.) Does anyone who has been through this have any advice for parents about what you should and shouldn't say? I'm finding that I have many different emotional reactions to my daughter's announcement. I don't want to do the wrong thing -- meaning alienate my daughter in any way -- so any advice would be greatly appreciated. Oh - I wanted to add that I'm what you might think of as "straighter" than you would think would normally be posting here, so I hope that's OK.

You done good mama!

It sounds like you gave her a warm response. Don't be afraid to seek support for your mixed emotions- www.pflag.org is a great place to start.

As for your husband's concern, just ask yourself if you would say the same thing about a boyfriend. I suspect you would.

Congratulations on loving your daughter enough to want to do it right. That's awesome!!!

[Maluhia]

It is totally okay to post, IMHO.

I think going with your heart and being honest is great - the only thing that my parents did that was hard was talk about "loosing" grandchildren over it and honestly when I came out to them as BI it was not a big part of my life - future children.

If you love her girlfriend then it's fine to say it, no need to hide that you care about this young woman who has been in yours & your daughter's life for some time.

[MujerMamaMismo]

It sounds like your daughter felt really comfortable to tell you about her relationship. I don't know that many people make these kinds of announcements over the phone. You must have done something right Was she nervous to tell you? What did she say when you told her that you loved her and her girlfriend?

Personally, I would thank her for trusting you with this important information and reassure her that your love and support for her in unchanged. Beyond that, I would treat her in the same manner that I would treat a daughter with a boyfriend.

It's a fine balance. Don't over-compensate - she's 20 and would probably be reluctant to share masses of info about her romantic life with her parents regardless of who she was seeing. But don't play it down either. You don't want her to think you're just waiting for it to 'blow over.'

Good Luck

[Diane B]

I came out to my parents at age 20 too. Good for her, and I think your response was perfect!

The thing that was most helpful to me was when my girlfriend was welcome in our home - for example, when my parents invited her for Christmas dinner, and bought her a gift. I also distinctly remember that her parents gave us matching towel sets when we started living together - and that simple thing felt like such a great acknowledgment.

I have found that parents are almost always welcome in GLBT spaces. Don't be afraid to learn about our community, to attend a few events, read books, visit on-line forums, etc. It will help you understand your daughter better, and demonstrate that you care enough to get to know her world. My parents are of a different generation (they are in their mid-70's now) but my dad frequently cuts articles out of the newspaper related to gay issues and gives them to me. It's sweet.

[SusanElizabeth]

Thank you all for answering me. I was really afraid to check this because I was scared that you would think I was being uncool in saying that I was nervous about my response to my daughter. To be honest, it is something I have suspected for several years, and I've thought a lot about how I would respond. I want to be loving and not blow things and it seems hard. My daughter's younger sister (who is 16) expressed a lot of upset feelings tonight that her sister (who she thought she was close to) had never said anything to her.

[osker]

sorry, long one!

Sounds like you're doing well already! I also came out to my mom over the phone, from college, when I was 20! In the 10 years since then we've talked about it a couple of times. She has shared with me that she and my dad talked for hours that night after we got off the phone. He trying to calm her down and she talking 20 years into the future!

Things that were great:

I knew that even though things might get bumpy they would always love me

When they came for graduation they met my then-gf, and even though they hated her, they involved her in things

Things that were not so great:

When I told her that I wanted to move to where then-gf lived, she told me that maybe we really were just good friends...

When I brought my next gf (now wife) home for the first time she let us sleep in the same room, which annoyed my straight siblings since they weren't allowed this up to that point. (My bro convinced her that it meant that he and his gf should get to sleep in the same room so she allowed it ever after - we're now both married to those people)

Over the years she has told me how much she grieved over the fact that I would never get married or have kids...

The reasons these things were not great:

Even though I was in a bad relationship with the then-gf, when she said that maybe it was just a phase I didn't want to ever talk with her about relationships again.

By letting me sleep in the same room with my gf (now wife) she was not acknowledging that our relationship was the same as my siblings with their gf/bfs... while this worked out great for us, it caused some tension between me and my siblings for a bit

It was really annoying for her to tell me that she had given up on me being married and having kids when I had never considered not getting married and having kids. A few years ago when my wife and I got married, she was the one who performed the legal ceremony (she's clergy)... and we're working on baby #1, we want FOUR!


All that being said, in my mind it hasn't changed things for me. When I realized that I liked women everything clicked into place and all of a sudden a world that had been confusing and stressful and frustrating made sense and was fun and enjoyable and relaxing. Yes, I've had some not so great relationships, and yes my choice of life-partner is not who my mother thought I would end up with... but neither is my brother's wife and that has nothing to do with the gender of the person!!

I guess what I'm trying to say is, take time to take care of yourself and figure out what you need. Don't think 20 years in the future. Don't assume that any doors will close for your daughter, because maybe new doors are open and the old ones are still there too!

You're doing a great job! Keep it up!!