How would you use GD to respond to outright "disobedience"? - Page 3

[Tanlines]

Originally Posted by nccrunchymama

I totally agree! I would certainly remove the temptation and teach moderation, but I think children still need limits and rules. I try to be flexible if it's something minor, but I expect dd to follow certain rules to ensure her safety and health and our peace. I try to follow the same rules that I expect of her. If I break a rule, I fess up and take my consequences just as I expect of her. Rules and obedience CAN be gentle.

Very Much Agreed!!

[Tanlines]

Originally Posted by MamaOutThere

Figure out why he's doing it, then talk about it. Hungry, lonesome, bored, tired, angry, jealous. Emotional education is crucial. He should be familiar with all these words and know what each of these emotions feels like in his body.

With the milk thing. I dunno. I let my 2 yo pour her own milk and put her own jam on her bread. And, yeah, sometimes she makes a mess. But by 4 she'll be pretty proficient. If you really don't want him to do it, why not find a smaller recipient for the milk that he can handle better and that contains less milk to spill?

For the baby example...when did you plan on going downstairs to play? Do you ever tell him something like that and then take 5 minutes to finish something up first? I would have taken him by the hand, said "Let's go play together, just you and me," started to sing a fun song, and taken him downstairs immediately.

For the car, try to make a game of it: race to the car, offer fun music in the car, sing a silly song (works every time for me; get behind the child, pushing gently toward the car and sing: Oh, we're off on an adventure, going in the car, what will we see today, what will we do, I wonder if we'll meet a bear...blah blah blah.) Mothering takes some serious creativity. And, no, I don't always remember that.

In my humble opinion, your expectations for impulse control are way too high.

But when things do happen, take him aside, alone and say something like, "When you wake up the baby it makes me feel very angry. Angry doesn't feel very good inside. I wonder how it makes you feel?" or "What were you feeling when you woke up the baby?" There's always an emotion behind the action. Every time.

So do you think that if you ask your child not to do something and they don't listen that it's okay? Not being snarky here I just am curious.

[monkey's mom]

Originally Posted by Tanlines

So do you think that if you ask your child not to do something and they don't listen that it's okay? Not being snarky here I just am curious.

Well, if you are truly ASKING, then sure. Sometimes the answer is, "no."

I've found that by giving my kids the room to say, 'no,' that the answer is more and more, 'yes.' It's been quite counterintuitive for me, but it's working!

[Tanlines]

hmm thats really interesting. You have a lot of patience!

[peaceful_mama]

: my 3 year old is currently asking for stuff, taking a bite or two, wanting other things, being told no, sneaking other stuff out of the fridge...

I might try the one or two treats a day thing. He is big enough now where I think he can 'get' that. or at LEAST limits like "let's wait till Daddy comes from the store, he always brings cookies and you're going to want to try one..." kind of stuff.

I have been using a lot of out of sight out of mind on the stuff I'd rather he not eat and that works well. It's the one-bite apples, the slicing an orange and it being left to dry out crap that's annoying me now.

[MamaOutThere]

So do you think that if you ask your child not to do something and they don't listen that it's okay? Not being snarky here I just am curious.

I'm not in an okay-not-okay mindset. I'm not in a defiant-compliant mindset. (Not saying you are)

If my child does the opposite of what I ask, I know there is an emotion or need behind the action -- and I address that. We talk a lot about the effects of hunger, fatigue, sugar, a day on the couch, etc. We talk a lot about anger, sadness, lonesomeness, jealousy, the need for some extra love, etc. (We started "loving sessions" when oldest was about 4 or 5. I started by asking if she needed some loving when she was upset or cranky or whatever. Now, at 7 1/2, she comes to me and says, "Mama, can I have some loving?")

If my child uses a tone I don't appreciate I let her know -- and I give the exact words I would like to hear (ie. "next time you could say, 'Mommy, I don't feel like doing that right now'.") , instead of simply saying "don't talk that way" or "that's not nice."

[sunnysideup]

Originally Posted by monkeybum

So back to the original question - how do you handle in a GD way when your child does the opposite of what you ask, on purpose.

Originally Posted by MamaOutThere

Figure out why he's doing it, then talk about it. Hungry, lonesome, bored, tired, angry, jealous. Emotional education is crucial. He should be familiar with all these words and know what each of these emotions feels like in his body.

:

Originally Posted by Tanlines

So do you think that if you ask your child not to do something and they don't listen that it's okay? Not being snarky here I just am curious.

It's not about what is "ok" or "not ok." Humans learn in complex ways. They will question theories and test their own. You will be disappointed if you expect to be obeyed without question, but I don't think that is what a parent should aim for anyway. One should want to raise a child that has learned self-discipline, not blind obedience.

[auntiehallie]

you know, having gone through this age with so many boys, i really feel it's a developmental issue. kids this young can not make the leap between what you said not to do and what is okay to do instead. by saying, 'don't' you're asking for them to use their imagination to fill in the blanks ('i can't do. this. but all i have in my mind is - this!') and they aren't able to make such a leap.

it's so much simpler to say what you want than ask them to extrapolate it from your list of *don't* wants. e.g., 'don't splash' becomes, 'keep the water in the tub, please' 'don't run in the parking lot' becomes 'hold my hand, please', 'stop shouting or you'll wake the baby' becomes 'let's play quietly while your brother sleeps'.

this isn't a golden bullet, by any means, but it sure cuts down the misunderstandings.

if you still have trouble when your communication is clearer, then you address those issues separately.

[purple_kangaroo]

ITA . . . tell the child what you want them to do, not what you want them NOT to do whenever it's at all possible.

OTOH, a lot of times I think they are testing the limits.

The other day my 5yo said, "But, Mommy, you've only asked me 4 times!" when I asked her to do something. It made me realize that I've actually trained my children to wait until the 5th or 6th time I asked them to do something before they act.

Now I'm working on making sure I get their attention and good eye contact, telling them once, and then making sure I follow through with helping them do it. If it's something important enough to ask/tell them to do it, then I need to treat it as important enough to not just keep asking over and over while they play for another 15-20 minutes before I actually follow through in making sure they do it.

They are learning all the time, and one of the things they are learning is exactly how much you mean it when you ask them to do something and whether you really care or not when they don't do it.

As a PP alluded to, also, I think little kids (and many adults!) differentiate between being asked or being told. If I'm asking (which is probably most of the time) I do allow for discussion/debate or even for the child to say no. If I'm telling them something important that I need them to do, then I need to make sure to use words and a tone that convey this.

My husband is actually the one that taught me this. I kept saying, "Would you like to . . . " or "Do you want to . . . " when I was asking him to do something, and he'd just say, "No, not really." Well, he didn't actually have a burning desire to do whatever it was.

I finally learned to just say "Would you be willing to . . . " (which still leaves room for him to say no --appropriate in the vast majority of cases--while at the same time making it less dependent on his mood or desires). There are a lot of times when he certainly doesn't "want" to help me move a heavy object or whatever, but he's willing to. Or I will say, "I need help with this. Could you please do this or that?"

With both my husband and my kids (or anyone else, really), if it's not something that has to be done THAT INSTANT (like grabbing a falling object or child next to them), I try to ask in a way that doesn't require them to drop what they're in the middle of and do it immediately.

I'll say something like, "When you get to a good stopping place" or "When you finish that chapter in your book, then will you please do such-and-such", or give a timeline of when it needs to be done (i.e. "Could you please pick up that game before you get out another toy?" or "Would you please move your toothbrush off the kitchen table before it's time to set the table for dinner in 15 minutes?")

When you tell him something that you really need him to do/not do, can you convey in some way that it's important, and maybe even explain why?