My son doesn't like me!

[Jeddica]

I have been interested in non-coercive techniques for a long time, and I do have a natural tendancy to use these methods, but I should say up front that I have more room for improvement than anyone out there. I don't even know where to start, I guess I could start by saying that my son was terribly "colicky" from the begining and I have major guilt about so many things I did wrong (like not co-sleeping when he probably really needed to) that it keeps me up at night
I will refrain from listing all the wonderful attributes of my son (2 3/4) as I could go on and on, and try to explain the problem. He just doesn't seem as happy with me as he is with some of his other "favorite" people, and believe me when I say that I am SO glad he has these people in his life, I am not jealous per se, but I wish he could be as excited to see me and be with me as I am with him. He never wants to come home with me after visiting others, even if he didn't do anything big-time fun or exciting with them, and it seems like we never have any fun together, when I look at it through his eyes. Hard to admit, but I think I just don't know how to play and have fun with him. My thing is reading books to him and letting him have his space to be his own person, but I have a hard time knowing what to do with him otherwise. I am 38 weeks preg, and have been huge and uncomfortable all summer, so I'm sure I've been a bummer to be around.
I love him so much that sometimes when I am trying to explore this issue and these feelings, I end up just wishing he had a different mother that would be as good for him as he deserves. Pretty sad, huh? I have a strong feeling that's something mothers aren't supposed to think, feel, or say. It's like I have this miracle in my hands with so much potential and I am ruining it all, little by little, day by day. I second-guess everything I do (and don't do) with him and I am sure that he feels every bit of my tension. One thing he has started to do when I get serious about bedtime or time to get dressed is laughing; if I get angry or frustrated and start using a stern tone of voice telling him he has a choice, do XXX or YYY will happen, he just laughs and says that's funny, and he had begun trying to kick and scratch me, or throw things at me. One thing that bothers me most about this is that he acts out at me when I am at my most calm, reasonable, and receptive. He will NEVER express his emotions to me verbally, even we read books about kids being mad or sad, and when he's angry at me I try to give him words to talk about it, like, "are you mad at mommy? or What did I do that mad you angry? or It's okay to feel sad, are you sad?" He will deny his feelings every time.
Well, I have gone way over what I wanted to say, I just hope that someone out there can relate and give me some advice.
Thanks
Jessica

[mamaduck]

Jessica,

Wow. This is just so sad! I mean that it is sad to hear you being so down on youself, when so much of what you describe is very normal

-- some kids really crave the stimulation and excitement of new people and new experiences, and don't want to be at home very much. My oldest son used to cry everytime we had to go home from anywhere.

-- mommies notoriously get stuck with all the "hard stuff" -- the diaper changing, the bedime routine, feeding, bathing, etc. -- and wind up too exhausted for the fun stuff like playing and having adventures. Please don't beat yourself up over this, there are phases where this is just par for the course. ESPECIALLY when you are 38 weeks pregnent!

-- 2 year olds are not always verbally expressive! In fact, often they are not. Expecting him to put his feelings into words this early might just be expecting too much. He will SOON though (3.5 or 4?) and the fact that you are helping him to learn the right words, and to label his feelings will help him a LOT in the next year or so. It sounds as if you are doing so well with this!

-- Please try to rest, to let the past go, and to stop beating yourself up. You are growing a whole entire human being inside your body right now, and you need to be good to yourself both phsycially and emotionally. Try to get through these next couple of weeks as best you can, and reevaluate where you are at with your son when things are not so stressful. Give your hormones a chance to get themselves sorted out, etc. and PLEASE, try to be as gentle with yourself as you are with your son.

Things will be okay. Keep posting here, okay? We can help you ge trough this. There may be more tough times ahead with the baby and your toddler, and you will need lots of support. We are here for you, okay?

[calgal007]

In the long ago and far away when I was a single working mom, I busted my buns to get a job that was incredibly high-paying and very prestigious. (Patience, please. I do have a point!) Anyway, I remember giving a presentation in front of all the other sales people in my new job, and thinking, "Don't you understand? This is ME, just a little girl from the Midwest who is not at all like the rest of you with your imported cars, etc. etc. etc. I am just a girl from Michigan!!!!" Okay, my point is this: I had what I've heard called Imposter Syndrome and it's when you feel like you can't do what you already are doing and are capable of doing. It's really normal unless it goes on too long and affects your performance, in this case, as a mother. '
I suggest you find some other mamas whose behavior in play is something you can model your own behavior on until you feel the playfullness inside yourself. Perhaps you have a touch of PPDepression; in that case, you need to find some way to help yourself. You have a lot going on; babe and new babe on the way. Your little one sounds like he has some acting out going on over the new baby.

[lilyka]

Re: My son doesn't like me!

Originally posted by Jeddica
I don't even know where to start, I guess I could start by saying that my son was terribly "colicky" from the begining and I have major guilt about so many things I did wrong (like not co-sleeping when he probably really needed to) that it keeps me up at night

Colic isn't your fault. Also the choices you made then were the choices you needed to make to help you be a good mother. No child has ever been ruined by not co-sleeping. Accept the past as doing what you thought was best then and move on.


He just doesn't seem as happy with me as he is with some of his other "favorite" people, but I wish he could be as excited to see me and be with me as I am with him. He never wants to come home with me after visiting others, even if he didn't do anything big-time fun or exciting with them,

Well such is the nature of friends. Life is always exciting with something or someone out of the ordinary. Thay are always going to be excited about going to a friends house and less excited about leaving. be glad your son is secure and social. This is a good thing. Don't try to be his best friend. Very few people can be both mom and best friend and Mom is much more important even if it doesn'r seem like it. Moms always get the short end of the stick. We are the ones who make sure they brush thier teeth, go to bd at a decent hour, go to the Doctor, eat healthy and don't hang out with bad influences. friends take them to go skating and to the park and zoo. sure moms do these things but kids seem to focus on the not so fun stuff. when all is said and doneand he is an adult he will know that he has a mother who loves him very much. he will appreciate all the keeping himsafe and healthy stuff as wel as remember the fun stuff. but right now he is two and thinks about "meanie mom made me brush my teeth. i hate brushing my teeth " grumble grumble. just so you are not alone 2 seconds ago my dd who is in time out for hitting her sister said to me "I wish I lived in my own house wihtout a mom" . . "gee that sounds lonely, what is the rule about hitting your litte sister ?"

Hard to admit, but I think I just don't know how to play and have fun with him.

I recommend the "Continum Concept". It has some intresting observations about playing with our children, making them the center of our universe and just letting them be. It really changed the way I felt about playing with my childrenand how they fit into our family. Another book that I haven't read but have heard good things about is "Playful Parenting"


I love him so much that sometimes when I am trying to explore this issue and these feelings, I end up just wishing he had a different mother that would be as good for him as he deserves.

This sentence says a lot to me. First of all you seem very child centered. I think it is bad for any one person to be the center of anyone elses world. it will either make that person believe that the world revolves around them or it will put a lot of pressure on that person to live up to those expectations of being perfect. No one is prefect. Not children and not moms.

One thing he has started to do when I get serious about bedtime or time to get dressed is laughing; if I get angry or frustrated and start using a stern tone of voice telling him he has a choice, do XXX or YYY will happen, he just laughs and says that's funny, and he had begun trying to kick and scratch me, or throw things at me. One thing that bothers me most about this is that he acts out at me when I am at my most calm, reasonable, and receptive.

if you want to use non coercive techniques I can't offer any suggestions except that there is no reason to get stern unless you are willing to follow it up with some sort of coercive action. If somehting is important you have to have a plan. when you say it is bath time give him a chance to get moving on his own or pick him and move him. with consistancy he will see that you mean business. Pick one or two things to work on and over time other things will start falling into place. He will see that when moms asks me to do somehting she is serious and so I should just go ahead and do it. Also I have found choice very confusing and bothersome for my kids at that age. occasionally they get choices or they can do something thier way before I ask them but most of time i just say "Do you have something specific you want to wear today? OK here are your clothes for today. put them on quickly please. " If they don't I dress them. Of course they don't particularly hate any of thier clothes so it isn't like I am forcing them to wear somehting they hate. Choice just put a lot of pressure on a 2 year old.


He will NEVER express his emotions to me verbally, even we read books about kids being mad or sad, and when he's angry at me I try to give him words to talk about it, like, "are you mad at mommy? or What did I do that mad you angry? or It's okay to feel sad, are you sad?" He will deny his feelings every time.

Even my 6 year old has problems doing this. She is obviously very verbal. feelings are such an abstract notion to a 2 year old. what is sad? angry? mad? lonely? nervous? How do you know that when you lable his feelings you are getting the lables right? Not judging you, just pointing out that it is a huge guessing game. And it is really hard to put lables on someone elses feelings. what looks to you as being mad might be frustrated or tired or confused. this is just something that comes with time. being 2 is really hard.

Anyway, you sound really down and I would recommend checking with your Dr. I suffer from horrible depression while I am pregnant. my last baby was the first one I had any postpartum depression with and it was brief. No one talks about prenatal depressions but I was reading an article a while ago that suggested it was more common that ppd.

Also stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be the perfect mom. Noone is perfect (although some people show really well) and no child is the perfect child. they area all idividuals with faults and flaws as well as all the wonderful things. You child sounds like a perfectly normal almost 3 year old to me. don't sweat it.

[Jeddica]

Thank you... so right

Wow, I didn't expect such good advice and support, thanks so much. You are all right, I am being WAY too hard on myself, I do that I suppose. Some of it is the pregnancy factor, some is that I compare my parenting with others too much, some probably is unresolved PPD.

I got a chance to read but not reply yesterday and I will tell you that bits of your advice popped into my head throughout the day and I felt SO much better, just thinking that the things we are experiencing are very normal. I was able to chill quite a bit.

I really need to focus on my planned VBAC for the next few weeks, as you may be able to tell, I'm having a hard time keeping the doubts at bay, so positive energy is a must now. Thanks so much for your thoughtful responses...it really is a help.

~Jessica

[merpk]

Your original post stopped me when you got to the "I'm 38 weeks pregnant" part.

Hormones play all sorts of emotional games with you ...

Go easy on yourself.

Though I see from your last post that you are determined to ...

[journeymom]

It's like I have this miracle in my hands with so much potential and I am ruining it all, little by little, day by day. I second-guess everything I do (and don't do) with him and I am sure that he feels every bit of my tension.

Wow, you put that thought into words very well. That's exactly how I felt when my first, dd, was toddler/preschool aged. I just hated the fact that I wasn't perfect, didn't have the perfect insite into how to handle thus and such issue, every moment of the day.

Yes, you will make mistakes. But beating yourself up is counterproductive. Not only is it bad for you but it's bad for your child. I state it that way in case you're prone to discount your own needs, like most moms do! At least quit being so harsh on yourself for the sake of your child.

Then, as long as you keep trying to do right by your kid, as long as your intentions are in the right place, I don't think you can go wrong.

Your son obviously has a great mom! Give yourself a break for now. Like merpk said, you are seeing life through the filter of pregnancy hormones, and that's just different from reality! ((hug))

[oatmeal]

Just want to say my 19 mo dd loves me and she often ignores me when others are around, bats me away when I try to hug her sometimes, yells at me, and cries when I pick her up from playgroup two mornings a week.

I think it's normal... don't be too hard on yourelf. If it's hard to play with him for you - why not try out a music or activity class together - like a mommy & me?

Have fun!

[WriterMama]

*

[Jeddica]

"Yes, you will make mistakes. But beating yourself up is counterproductive. Not only is it bad for you but it's bad for your child. I state it that way in case you're prone to discount your own needs, like most moms do! At least quit being so harsh on yourself for the sake of your child. "

Someone else posted that I may be living a little too "child centered" (that may not be the right wording), and this quote emphasizes to me that in some ways, I am trying too hard to do everything just right for my son. Sometimes, though, I feel incredibly selfish and as if I am ignoring his needs...but this is mostly concentrated in the "I don't play with him enough" area. It is unnatural for me as well, but I feel so much better when I make the effort, and even 5 minutes of on-the-floor goofing around is better than nothing, right?

So right, DS does NOT need to hear/see/ sense that I am being down on myself for not living up to my idea of being a "perfect mommy"....
This is especially hard somehow because ever since I was a very little girl "babysitting" my infant niece (ie playing with her and taking care of her while in the presence of adults) people have commented on what a good mother I would be someday. I naturally assumed that all would fall into place and I would be awesome, and if I ran into trouble, why, I could just read some parenting books and voila! problem solved!
Now I can't afford to go to the bookstore (woe is me... my favorite place in the whole world to spend money!) and our small library carries really out-of-date parenting books, so I just wing it most of the time!

I'm so glad I posted here, all of your words have made a difference in my outlook...thanks to everyone for taking time to help a mamma out!

~Jessica

[Leatherette]

Are we excited to greet oxygen every day? Do we make a big deal about oxygen being there for us? Do we talk about oxygen to others in an excited way?

Mamas are oxygen to their little ones.

My son went through about a month of "I don't love you, I love daddy" "stop looking at me, mama". He was over it, and now seems to realize he can love me and daddy at the same time.

Best of luck to you, L.

[mami2f3]

I am you!

Okay so I can't offer advice, but I am so glad that you posted. Everything you said is true for me too. You said it well. I have that feeling that my ds would be better off with another, or just with his dad more, all the time. My second son is a bit different--I feel more like he needs me over others.
But I know exactly how you feel--i get a lump ion my throat as I read your posts because I relate so much.
So I know this doesn't help much, but you are really not alone, and I think the things others have said are really encouraging and true.
in it together,
erika