Losing It

[Curlita]

I think I am trapped in a downward spiral. Some days at home with both children are moderately okay. Yesterday was NOT. Today I tried to rally, but by lunchtime things were not going well.

The last two nights Conrad has been up every two hours to nurse. His thrush is gone, but I think I have it now and my boobs hurt. I feel like I am not giving enough time and energy to Dylan, but even when I really, really try, he ends up acting out at me. Today he bit me.

I was thinking today about calling my med nurse, but I don't know what they would do for me. I'm already on 200 mg of Zoloft.

It just seems like we should be enjoying each other as a family, if not on a daily basis, then at least more often than we are. Instead it feels like we are just trying to get from one day to the next. I alternate between feeling bad for Dylan and being driven completely round the bend by him. I feel so relieved to see him go to daycare on the days that he goes, and then I feel guilty for wishing him gone. I used to enjoy spending time with him.

This is scattered and random... I just can't fathom how this will all pan out when I go back to work.

[De-lovely]

Couldn't read and not respond. Is it possible for dh to take the baby so you can just go hang with Dylan in his room and read a book or something? I think it would make BOTH of you feel better maybe....I have days like that too mama.....you are not alone. Try not to let it go too far in the day without bringing it back to center.....somedays I literally stop and ANNOUNCE to my household seriously that I am going to have a better day from this moment on-I force smiles until genuine ones occur. I think speaking it out loud really helps me. Maybe you should try it....sounds funny maybe.....I just wanted to offer support and hugs.

[*Lindsey*]

Is there anyone close by that can come help you for a bit during the day? I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I'm with you on many accounts.

I feel like that pretty often and am wondering if my days of "just going thru the motions" and not feeling anything (except maybe aggravated) is a sign that I may be heading towards ppd. I find myself extremely aggravated with my oldest two 90% of the time. I was so relieved today when DH came home early and took DS back to work with him.

[Keeping up]

Me too - just lurking.

I am feeling a tad out of control too these days and I find a walk in the cool air helps a lot. I do a lot of deep breathing at times. I like the idea of hanging in peace with your older babe.

The transition to two kiddos is tough with winter and the 'holiday season' thrown in - it is a really tough time of year.

Hope you are feeling better.

[melissakc]

I feel the same way.

[AKmomof2+1inNov]

I remember those days when I transitioned into two! It does get better as the baby grows and becomes a playmate for the older child. I know I felt like a lousy mom because I couldn't give the second as much time as I did the first, but I don't think either of my kids suffered really from the lack of one on one time.

I had a really bad pregnancy in terms of depression and no energy and finally found out I have low thyroid. I am starting to feel better, but of course with 3 now I am feeling quite out numbered!

[isosmom]

I have been there, girl. I had such a hard time going from 1 to 2. All I can say is, if you think you need help, please ask for it. I waited too long to ask for help and I really regret it.
What really helped me from day to day was to make sure to get out of the house. Just for a walk around the block, it makes everyone feel better.
And it does get better, but it's not easy. I had to realize at some point in the first year that I just wasn't going to get much done for a while.
And as for feeling bad for wishing your ds gone, there's really nothing wrong with that. It might be what's best for both of you right now. And there will be a time when you will feel how you used to again. But baby is new right now. And it's a lot of adjustment for everyone.
This is scattered, sorry, just some thoughts. Will be thinking of you, I know how hard it can be.

[GinaRae]

I wish I knew what to say to make it all better

[JulieK]

(eating at keyboard)

I am in the same boat as you, if you look at my sig. Dh has been a total lifesaver with ds, and has been available to wake up with him most mornings which allows me to rest. Ds is also in preschool every morning but i do find myself counting the hours 'til bedtime. I can't figure out if he's acting out more than usual or if I'm just shorter tempered or naturally just more focused on the baby.

What can I say? It's really tough and I'm trying so hard to hold it together b/c if I lose it I'm afraid I'll totally fall apart.

[boogiemonster]

I'm feeling exactly the same. I considered today a "good day" when I only snapped at DD1 twice. : Whenever DD1 is driving me up the wall with her screaming, I make her take a deep breath. Somehow, by showing her what to do, it helps calm me down. Sounds crazy, and it probably is, but it works even for just a few moments.

We had an AWFUL day yesterday. Horrible. I was ready to get on the Greyhound and start life over in another (warmer, sunnier) city. I told myself last night that I would have a better day today, and I did, so I guess that's something.

I totally feel for you.

Hey, we should have some sort of crisis group...exchange phone numbers with a buddy so you have someone to call if you're ready to throw in the towel. Just an idea. Anyone interested?

[Curlita]

Originally Posted by boogiemonster

Hey, we should have some sort of crisis group...exchange phone numbers with a buddy so you have someone to call if you're ready to throw in the towel. Just an idea. Anyone interested?

I would totally be up for that. I was really struggling to think of who I could call today... my closest friends don't have kids, so it's hard to think of who would really get it.

The rest of today went better than the beginning of it did... but it seems like in order to give attention to one child I end up giving less to the other. So I'm always feeling guilty over someone.

My parents will be here for 2 days, which will help. I'm trying to continue having faith that it will keep getting easier.

[renaissanceed]

It really is hard to suddenly be a parent of two and have to not give your first born undivided attention. It's hard for you, hard for DS1 and hard for DS2 although he's never known any different thank goodness.

I can't count the number of times I call DH at work during the day so I can maintain my sanity and talk to someone who will not just say 'No No' all the time in response to everything. I have the same problem with calling friends - they either have no kids, are long distance and just have one kid, or are back at work.

The biting is hard. It really is. DD has only bitten people twice (only) now but she seems to think it was a fascinating experience and tells me "You bit grandma" (you being her) all the time and threatens to bite me a lot, or to bite her dolls/stuffed animals. Thankfully she hasn't bit/threatened to bite the baby yet.

I just try to maintain my calm as much as possible, but sometimes we are not perfect. Don't be too hard on yourself - this is a really really hard time - not just going from 1 to 2, but you still have tons of hormones racing around your body that you aren't used to having. We tend to forget that when we try to get back into the swing of things. Things have changed. They aren't the same. There will be a period of adjustment.

And finally, hugs and more hugs. I don't have a magic solution. Just good thoughts heading your way.

[kathteach]

Erica, you know I'm in that place a lot too. I know in time our families will all settle into a new normal and it will be okay, but it sure is hard to have faith in that sometimes. Last night I cried and cried to my husband about how miserable and guilty I felt, I think I really scared him. Know that you are not alone.

I'll be thinking of you. We can do it, we can hang in there...and soon we'll get our groove back.

[yogamama74]

I totally identify with all this...getting thru the day is tough lately. Round the clock nursing on sore nipples, soreness in my back and pelvis from delivery (can't wait for my chiro appt!!), and dealing with my older kids who need attention is TOUGH! Dh went back to work on Monday, I sure wish he could've stayed longer.

I've cried every day this week and I am NOT a crier. This was not a good time of year to have a baby...seasonal affective disorder strikes me this time every year. Usually I deal just fine but with a new baby, a broken van, and CHRISTMAS to shop for....its really rough.

Anyways, I have no solutions...I can only sympathize

[Isaac'sMa]

We've been having a hard time here too. Most days it is chaos and I can't help but wonder what it will be like when I go back to work. Will the bottom fall out?! I only work 2 days/wk but still .

It helps me to get out of the house daily because it's one time I know I won't be frustrated with ds1 (can't get into anything while strapped in the stroller!) and I use the Moby for ds2 so I know he won't be crying. It's heaven...fresh air and relative peace. it can take a really long time to get everyone ready, but, oh, so worth it!

Ds1 is into everything he knows he shouldn't be while I try to nurse the baby b/c he wants attention & knows that if he behaves then he will get less. So, I've been trying to praise him more for good behavior. We sat down the other day and made a good behavior chart with "treats" like an extra bedtime story, making playdough with me, having a piece of chocolate etc. I have to notice that he's done something good without him being told to do it. Then he gets to choose a sticker and put it on the chart in the appropriate place. We have spots for being a good helper, listening to mama/papa, being gentle with Caleb and more. When he gets one row filled up (5 stickers) he can pick which treat he wants. So far that's working pretty well, but it has only been three days. (no treats earned yet!)

[mittendrin]

Crazy as heck here too. My two boys have been driving me crazy. IF I have a minute to give them my undivided attention they want nothing to do with it. When I'm stuck on the couch nursing - THAT's when they want me. They spend the day trying to kill each other, fighting, whining...
Two days ago we had it really bad. To the point where I spanked ds1 before bedtime. Dh told me then that it's real nice for him to know that I can't keep it together here while he's gone. Great, isn't it? He works Monday-Sunday, 70 hrs a week. Leaves at 5 am and gets home at 7pm. Goes to bed at 8:30pm. He helps getting them ready for bed at night but other than that I am a single mom. How dare he judge me for losing it. I really wanted to pack up and leave when he said that. Then I realized that he's right. I should be doing a better job. I need to keep it together, I am the adult here. My kids can be horrible these days but it's not their fault. So screw trying to clean the house and cook dinner while taking care of a 5 wk old and keeping the other two from destroying the house. I will have to go back to housekeeping when everyone is in bed and dinner is gonna be take-out or frozen more often.
That said I will pry my butt off the computer chair now and make some cookies with my sons while Niklas is napping.
This too shall pass....It would help if it wasn't winter tho. Getting them ready to leave the house by 8am is a challenge, esp if they refuse to help at all.

[Curlita]

Thanks for all the support and suggestions, mamas. I'm sorry to hear that so many of us are struggling, but it is good not to feel as isolated. I keep feeling like this would all be easier if I weren't tired (ha! as if that will happen anytime soon) and/or we weren't dealing with thrush. I just feel like I am ALWAYS swabbing or swiping or dosing. It's a small thing, but seems like such a burden on top of everything else.

Laura, I really like the behavior chart idea. Hopefully I can carve out some time to make one for Dylan this weekend. We have been trying rewards with potty training, but so far having limited success.... I've been trying to get better about walks and getting out of the house, but the process of making it all happen can be daunting. I am persevering, though.

And Monica suggested something that I want to see if anyone else is interested in... and I might start another thread about it. But if anyone else is interested in swapping phone numbers with other mamas to call in the case of emotional/childrearing crises... let me know.

[kgrfcharlton]

You are not alone Mama! You are doing good to reach out and share. I went through this too when I had my 2nd. I had PPD, went on Zoloft & went to counseling. You keep reaching out for help & know you're not alone. You will get through this!

[*Lindsey*]

I'm interested the phone # exchange.

[renaissanceed]

If only I didn't despise the telephone so much I'd be up for phone # exchange too. Please know that I'm thinking of all of you every day & hoping you find at least one good thing about your day.