what to do when parents disagree on parenting style

[cuddleluvinma]

Ok. How am I supposed to handle situations with my child when my DH absolutely disagrees with my style of parenting?

Lets make it easier to answer... My dd is in a bad mood and sitting next to the heater (wich happens to be next to the front door). DH comes in hits her with the door (wich is unavoidable if someone is sitting there) He says she cannot sit there. She says that she wants to. He said that she has to move. (this is now while he is taking off his boots. So there is no need to move anymore) . She stands her ground. She wants to sit there. She says she is cold and wants to warm up. I hear this and come in. I know that he wants me to "back him up" so I do. I tell her that she needs to move. She starts to do baby talk instead of really responding. But it obvious that she is still defending her right to stay. DH says something like "fine. Say no to me and I will remember to say no to you when you want something." I : said to go to her room. She says "no". DH (raising his voice) says "what are you going to do about this" I say that I'm not going to do anything now that I am angry so I don't want to make any decisions till I calm down.
Then I realize how ridiculous this is. Why shouldn't she be able to sit by the door. So I say that she can sit there but if she is going to then the door needs to be locked and if someone knocks then she should move and let them in. then she can sit there again. I go to my room (wich was stuck because DH slammed it so hard) and say that the only think that I see wrong with what DD did was that she don't move when you (DH) was trying to get through the door. He says that he doesn't want to hear anything except for what consequences DD was going to have. I said that I feel that she doesn't deserve any for trying to defend her right to warm up by the heater. He says what about not obeying the order to go to her room? I say that I feel that it was an unreasonable request so I don't feel that she shouldn't have any consequences for that either.
He says that I can choose to parent that way but that when she really wants to do something that he is going to choose to say no to her. I feel that this is uncalled for.

what do you think. what is reasonable?
\I really wish that I hadn't said to her that she needed to move because there was no need for it. Why not sit there. DH only wanted her to move from that spot because she wouldn't move when he was trying to get through the door. (wich I feel she should have done.) And talked to her about. But, he was just on a power trip after that and was not being rational (I feel anyway). And I REALLY feel bad for telling her to go to her room. there was no need for it. I feel that she should have the right to defend her right to sit there.

[delphiniumpansy]

I would say:

A) she should put on more clothing
B) maybe you should turn up the thermostat
C) you and dh should discuss how to handle this together when kids are not around
D) you should also discuss how to handle these disagreements in the future. Maybe have a code word that means "let's discuss this later." We do this.
E) you need to have a better plan of how to handle when she does not follow your directions and you need to follow through with it in the future so she learns that this is how it will be. Consistency is key.

In our house, we respect our children and listen to them but they are also supposed to do what they are told. What if the heater was on fire? She should move when she is told to and discuss her needs and wants later. That is what we teach our children. I believe in respecting children but that does not mean they get their way.

I agree with your dh that she should not sit blocking the door. Can you move the heater?

Personally, I think she should have moved in the first place when your dh said to and you should have backed him up. Sending her to her room will not teach her anything. If she were my dd, I would have gone to her and told her to come with me and get more clothing on so she could be warm and not block the door.

[ShaggyDaddy]

The next words I said/wrote to him would be this:

How can we ever expect her to treat us reasonably if we don't do the same for her? I know you were frustrated, and I would be too, but if we all sit together to figure out how to make you both happy with the door/heater situation we can all give and get more respect in this situation. She wants to sit next to the heater and you want her to make way when you need to get through. Both are reasonable expectations, and if we step back and come up with a mutually agreeable solution we will never have a confrontation or frustration, or blow up about this again. I know it seems like I am making a big deal about a heater/door, but it isn't about that, it's about encouraging the family to show mutual respect. This is an easy problem, and solving this one with love, thoughtfulness, and respect will make the next, harder problem that much easier. When we are building a positive relationship we don't just pick our battles, we can also knock the easy ones right out of the ballpark.

Of course it would work best as an email, but you get the general idea. I know it can be hard to step back, but most guys (in my experience) respond very favorably to an earnest, non-judgemental, logic based plea to reason.

[cuddleluvinma]

delphiniumpansy-
the heater in question is a radiator. It cannot be moved.

yes she could have put more cloths on. but, sometimes she (and I) just like to sit by the radiator never the less.

the thermostat is set at 67. I feel this is a reasonable temp.

we've tried the "code word" thing. DH just is unwilling to abide by this.

the problem with discussing what to do i the future is that we disagree with what to do. He wants punishments and feels that if the child is doing something that is displeasing to the parent that the child should be punished and I want more respect for our children than that.


ShaggyDaddy

I love this response. I think that I will write him. I feel that he might be able to absorb it easier that way and will give him time to think about it before responding.

I have talked to him about this before I had any responses to this. but, I said something along the lines of what you wrote. I even suggested that she is able to sit by the heater but she is to move away around the time that DH would be coming home. He didn't go for it. But, perhaps it was just something that he needed to think about first. I have found that he often responds more harshly at first and then , after thinking about it, changes his mind. I am hoping this is the case.
I absolutely agree with what you said about it not really the door/heater thing being the issue. It's more about mutual respect.

thank you for the responses.

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

Originally Posted by cuddleluvinma

But, perhaps it was just something that he needed to think about first. I have found that he often responds more harshly at first and then , after thinking about it, changes his mind. I am hoping this is the case.

If that's the case, he's a typical male ;-) My DH is similar - we can disagree on something and he won't back down, but a week later he'll be saying the same thing like he just thought of it LOL.

I like ShaggyDaddy's suggestion too. If that doesn't work, I think at least you can respectfully refuse to be a part of requests that you think are meaningless (as in "nope, you two work this out - I'll just complicate things!")

I think it's a common issue - I know we go through it too.

[Mom2Joseph]

Yes, she wanted to sit by the heater. We don't always get what we want. It is not reasonable to let her expect she can always sit there. She may get hurt by sitting there and your DH has the right to walk through a door safely.

To me this is a safety issue. For your daughter as well as your husband. I agree with him. What if he had hurt her was he walked through the door? Through no fault of his own, he would have felt horrible. What if your DH had gotten hurt from not being able to get through the doorway? fallen, twisted his ankle, fallen on her, etc.? Then would you be willing to see that it might not be in your DD's best interests to sit there, even though she wants to?

I would have backed DH up. After DD had not come when asked, I would asked her, "Do you need Daddy to help you out of that comfy, toasty seat?". If that didn't work I would then proceed to go to her, explain that it isn't a safe place to sit, and gently help her find another comfy seat.

[cuddleluvinma]

mom2joseph-
As I have said before...I agree that she should have moved when he came in. I have also said that a reasonable solution would be for her to be able to sit there but to move away a little before we expect DH home from work. locking the door while she is sitting there would make no possibility for injuries. She can just simply get up, unlock the door and wait for the person to come in before she sits again.
She is 12. I do not feel that asking her "Do you need Daddy to help you out of that comfy, toasty seat?" is would be at all respectful. I know that I would be PISSED if someone talked to me like that. Heck, I don't talk to my toddler that way, let alone my 12 yr old. I want my kids to respect me and others so I feel it is my job to try my best in setting the best example of this as is possible.

Perdita_in_Ontario-

I agree that it may be a common scenario.

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

I totally missed that she's 12!

Not that it changes my answer - I would have likely stayed graciously out of it. But seriously - at that age the time for telling kids what to do is drawing to an end... I'm sure she's fully aware that she was hit by the door because she was sitting behind it. Perhaps you could gently suggest that it might be helpful to consider, if she plans to sit there when someone might come in the door, that she move momentarily?

I used to love sitting next to radiators too ;-)

[Mom2Joseph]

Originally Posted by cuddleluvinma

mom2joseph-
As I have said before...I agree that she should have moved when he came in. I have also said that a reasonable solution would be for her to be able to sit there but to move away a little before we expect DH home from work. locking the door while she is sitting there would make no possibility for injuries. She can just simply get up, unlock the door and wait for the person to come in before she sits again.
She is 12. I do not feel that asking her "Do you need Daddy to help you out of that comfy, toasty seat?" is would be at all respectful. I know that I would be PISSED if someone talked to me like that. Heck, I don't talk to my toddler that way, let alone my 12 yr old. I want my kids to respect me and others so I feel it is my job to try my best in setting the best example of this as is possible.

Perdita_in_Ontario-

I agree that it may be a common scenario.

WOOPS! sorry! I thought we were talking about a much younger child!

I really should just shut my mouth at this point because I don't have older children, but I can't imagine if your DH requested/told her to move why a child who is 12 years old didn't move. She was obviously in his way when he walked in.

I don't get it.

Then again, who am I to give adivce? My day is not so good anyway.

[cuddleluvinma]

she was just in a really bad mood. she's not normally like that. She ended up apologizing later (with no coxing). She knew she was out of line to not move for her Dad (or for anyone, for that matter).


mom2joseph- I'm sorry you're having a bad day.

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

I remember having some incredibly foul moods at that age too... it's hard on everyone!

[SublimeBirthGirl]

I'd let her get hit by the door if she wanted to sit there. I'd even do that w/ my 3.5 year old-you know the door will hit you and if that's okay with you I guess it's fine with me too. My husband tends to react with that whole authoritarian thing at first, and I say, "Why do you want her to X?" and he'll stop and be like, oh, well, I guess it doesn't matter, or he'll tell me why and I'll back him up. Sometimes it's just that initial reaction.

[munkeesmama]

You know, my husband and i are somewhat going through this. I wrote him an email TODAY actually, somewhat addressing these issues. Here's the email.. (I know my husband responds better to thought out emails where little emotion is involved, but their is logic)

Something I’ve been thinking about for a LONG time but that I really want to work on. Our parenting style. I don’t think we’re abusive but I would really like to be more “gentle” in our ways. I don’t want to spank and I want to reduce time-outs. I want to let go of the small stuff. If it’s not hurting anybody and it it’s not a life or death issue I’d really like to try and let it go. If it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, Why make a big deal about it? I grew up with my mom yelling, a lot. Time-outs, face in corner, spanking, and sometimes more. I really don’t think this methods worked. I think they put some fear into us, but I also think they put some insecurity in us. I don’t blame my parents, but I do believe that a lot of my insecurities (like being ignored) and anxiety, and anger management issues stem from childhood. When you’ve been yelled at and spanked and “punished” in non-gentle ways for over 15+ years it’s hard to reverse that. It’s SO engrained. I swore I wouldn’t parent my children in the way I was parented, and here I am, a mother of 3 and parenting similarly as I was parented. Our kids are still young and we’d like more. I’d like to change the way we parent. I’d like to raise respectful, loving, secure children.

I’ve been trying to work on myself these past few weeks. I’ve tried not to yell, remove myself from situations etc. I’ve let Lily go without dinner. If she doesn’t want to eat, who cares? She’s healthy and happy and that matters more. We can offer her the food, but we can’t force feed her and we shouldn’t. If Caden says something in a “mean” or “teasing” manner, I don’t think it’s something time-out worthy, I think a gentle reminder that it hurts our feelings and isn’t nice should suffice. I’ve noticed Caden responds more to logic and willingly apologizes if we’re gentle with him. He closes up, gets frustrated, and usually ends up with a spanking when sent to time-out. KWIM? I’d really like to get you on board with this and REALLY put forth an effort in parenting on the same page, gently for a few weeks, months? And see if there are changes.

Some ideas:

-Less time-outs. Re-direct, talk, and simply let the small stuff go.
-Allow the kids to make more choices. If this means, picking their meals, or clothes, or what we do, so be it. I think having them more involved will allow them to feel a bit more empowered and in return their behavior will show it.
-Allow more time when going places. I’ve noticed a lot of our “issues” revolve around getting up and getting ready to go, or trying to get something done. I think I’m more at blame here than you really. I get anxious and have to go. Go. Go. But, does it really matter? Allow more time, and plan accordingly.
-Tantrums/incessant whining/crying- Ask them to explain what is bother them (this is geared more towards lily), if she can’t/won’t express herself and a hug or redirection won’t work, then ask them to go to their room and when they’re ready to join the family they can come back. This allows everybody to relax and take a “time-out” without them necessarily feeling “punished”.
- Apologies. I don’t think we should force the kids to apologize. I think the kids do it willingly enough and of their own accord. I don’t want to force our kids to say they’re sorry and then learn that they do it “just because”. I want them to apologize because THEY want to and because they mean it. I think they will learn by example and I think we set a pretty good example in that regard.
- Spanking. I don’t want to spank our kids. Not.at.all. I don’t think it helps. I think there are better ways to manage a situation and I think it creates anger management issues moreso than helping them. While it may make US feel better, I think it hurts more than it helps, and I find if I spank that I feel MOPRE out of control, than if I use a quiet tone and try and address the situation.


Anyways, Some food for thought. Let me know what you think. It’s been on my mind a lot lately, and I really need your help to better parent the kids and I’d really like to be on the same page and monitor each other so to speak. I love you.

Sorry for the long post...

I should add, this it seems this is more about difference in parenting styles, not necessarily advice on just the heater issue and i think the issue is going to be get to the root of the issue between your hubby and your discipline styles and address those. I do agree that providing a consistence is the key. I do back my husband up even if I don't agree and afrterwards address it with him. I feel as though providing that united front is almost more important than standing up for the way *I* would like to discipline/parent

[mamaduck]

What I am hearing is that you felt a sense of obligation to back your husband up, even though you did not agree with him and were not asked to get involved.

I would have stayed out of it. I would not have corrected or undermined him, but I wouldn't have tried to help either.

Generally speaking, it is a bad idea to interfere unless you are asked to become involved (unless there is abuse.) DH and I have an informal agreement to stand back until the other parent asks, directly, for back-up. "Can you please back me up on this?" It is fine to ask for this, even in front of the child. Not only that, it is also fine to say, "No, I am sorry, but I can't back you up on this. We can talk about it later in private." This is not undermining.

It is okay to let your husband and daughter work through these interactions on their own. They won't kill each other. You can let go of the expectation that you always need to step in and smooth things over, kwim? Its not your job.

Realistically, your DH needs to experience the consequence of picking an unreasonable battle. If he gets himself locked into a power struggle, he needs to take responsibility for negotiating his way out of it again. Maybe it will teach him to choose his battles. But if you try to "fix" it for him -- he will not learn.

[abac]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

What I am hearing is that you felt a sense of obligation to back your husband up, even though you did not agree with him and were not asked to get involved.

I would have stayed out of it. I would not have corrected or undermined him, but I wouldn't have tried to help either.

Generally speaking, it is a bad idea to interfere unless you are asked to become involved (unless there is abuse.) DH and I have an informal agreement to stand back until the other parent asks, directly, for back-up. "Can you please back me up on this?" It is fine to ask for this, even in front of the child. Not only that, it is also fine to say, "No, I am sorry, but I can't back you up on this. We can talk about it later in private." This is not undermining.

It is okay to let your husband and daughter work through these interactions on their own. They won't kill each other. You can let go of the expectation that you always need to step in and smooth things over, kwim? Its not your job.

Realistically, your DH needs to experience the consequence of picking an unreasonable battle. If he gets himself locked into a power struggle, he needs to take responsibility for negotiating his way out of it again. Maybe it will teach him to choose his battles. But if you try to "fix" it for him -- he will not learn.

This is great advice and something I'd do well to remember myself. Thanks mamaduck!

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by Perdita_in_Ontario

If that's the case, he's a typical male ;-) My DH is similar - we can disagree on something and he won't back down, but a week later he'll be saying the same thing like he just thought of it LOL.

Oh dear. That sounds exactly like me, and I'm far from male...

[a(TM)?Star]

I agree with munkeesmama- I really think that picking your battles is key to keeping everyone (mostly you) sane. I don't have a 12 yr old, but a very tough 2.5 yera old. Some days, I find myself being athoritative when I really can walk away. Could she have gotten hurt sitting there? If the answer is yes, but not REALLY hurt, then I would have let it go.....if someone barges in the door next time and she gets banged in the leg, I doubt she'll ever sit there again. I also found that when dh is trying to dicipline ds, I don't get invloved. I let him handle the situation, I feel he has to respect his dad as an elder, and if I get involved, he feels ganged up on. I know that some days are SO tough, but picking battles worked for me. So....you mean that at 12 their still tough about everything? Thanks, you bursted my bubble thinking it gets easier.

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

Originally Posted by prothyraia

Oh dear. That sounds exactly like me, and I'm far from male...

Are you sure about that?

[transformed]

She has a right to get hit by the door then. kwim?



It kind of sounds like dh felt bad that he hit her?

My dh and I disagree too alot....I am not really sure how to handle it-especially in the moment. Its hard! But then again, I think its good for the kids to see us disagreeing, and then handling it. (And sometimes even failing!)

My dh's parents NEVER fought, or disagreed in front of the kids and so my dh feels like it is very unnatural to do so at all. He think we should agree all the time...that is just not reality.

I like that my kids are exposed to us disagreeing...because its human. Everyone is different and thats ok.

I agree, in a pefect world It would be best to stay out of it.

I totally understand wanting to defend your little ones rights though! I feel like I am constantly telling dh "You know, they are people too!"

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by Perdita_in_Ontario

Are you sure about that?

I hope so, since I'm pregnant again!


But back to the OP... I agree with those who suggest just staying out of it unless there's a compelling reason to jump in. She's old enough that she and her dad can at least attempt to work things out on their own if she think's he's terribly unfair.