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Dp won't let me have a hb!!! - Page 2

post #21 of 104
My husband was dead set against natural anything is DD. He didn't even like the idea of me waiting for a while before going to the hospital. To give him credit though, I have asthma and pregnancy agrivated it so his fears were not unfounded. I respected his wishes for the most part since he is the father and my husband. I love him and wanted to make sure he was comfortable as well. I didn't go to the hospital until I was 8 centimeters dialated and I was there four hours before DD was born.

However, after DD's birth when he saw how crapy a hospitals treat you during and after the birth was he is all for having our next at home. He actually sugested it the other day. I would have you both sit down and look at it, especially since it takes two to make a baby and Im sure you want him there when its born.

I guess Im different but I thought of the birth as an experience and an importance to both of us. It wasn't just my birth, it was his too. Its his child as well as mine and to me that means he has some say in it. I know that its not a popular opinion but thats mine.
post #22 of 104
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by thefragile7393 View Post
I'd mention the MRSA and staph infections in hospitals.
His response: "You can get staph infections at home!
post #23 of 104
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by OkiMom View Post
I guess Im different but I thought of the birth as an experience and an importance to both of us. It wasn't just my birth, it was his too. Its his child as well as mine and to me that means he has some say in it. I know that its not a popular opinion but thats mine.
I agree- I don't feel I can just say, it's my birth and my body, since we're in this together.
post #24 of 104
how about watching some homebirth videos online? maybe that will help his fear?
post #25 of 104
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by NishaG View Post
how about renting some videos or watching some online? maybe that will help his fear?
Hmm...good idea. Anyone ever seen "Birth Joy and Rasberry Leaves?" That's a good one but a little extreme for me in its ideas

Ahem-back to the original topic...(I get sidetracked easily )
post #26 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moonlitnight View Post
Well, he did say he was afraid of hemorhaging (sorry I can't spell), but I told him midwives could deal with it. Most of his fears are intangible, I think. It's almost like a phobia.
I had a postpartum hemmorhage and my midwife dealt with it just fine. See? I'm not dead.
post #27 of 104
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DreamsInDigital View Post
I had a postpartum hemmorhage and my midwife dealt with it just fine. See? I'm not dead.
What did she do?
post #28 of 104
She gave me an anti-hemmorhage tincture. She also had Pitocin on hand in case that didn't work, but the tincture worked fine.
post #29 of 104
I told my dh, "If I have to birth this baby in the woods by myself, then so be it. I WILL NOT birth in a hospital ever again." I was crying and distressed.

I got my way. (I was not crying fake tears, just in case you were wondering! )
post #30 of 104
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Justthatgirl View Post
I told my dh, "If I have to birth this baby in the woods by myself, then so be it. I WILL NOT birth in a hospital ever again." I was crying and distressed.

I got my way. (I was not crying fake tears, just in case you were wondering! )
I have heard alot more hospital horror stories than hb stories!
*In fact, I've only heard one hb horror story in my life, and it wasn't that bad!
post #31 of 104
Thread Starter 
Any other suggestions?
post #32 of 104
The bottom line is: This is your body, your birth, your choice. If he doesn't like it, too bad.
post #33 of 104
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DreamsInDigital View Post
The bottom line is: This is your body, your birth, your choice. If he doesn't like it, too bad.
Um, don't you think that's a little harsh? I think dp and I should come to a mutual agreement. After all, it's his child too. And he's just worried about my safety, ridiculous though he may be.
post #34 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moonlitnight View Post
Um, don't you think that's a little harsh? I think dp and I should come to a mutual agreement. After all, it's his child too. And he's just worried about my safety, ridiculous though he may be.

I don't think it's fair to disregard your husband's concerns. But ultimately, if he continues to resist, he is being disrespectful to YOUR desires with fears that are unfounded and irrational.

Ideally, husbands and partners should be supportive, but ultimately the person with the uterus-full-of-child is the one whose needs and desires trump everyone else's, in my opinion.
post #35 of 104
My DP was also very freaked out when I wanted a homebirth and he wanted a hospital birth. This is how I went about it:

1- Ask him what specifically he was afraid of & look up the stats on it (how many homebirths had hemmorages, how many were transferred to hospitals, etc)

2- Made an appt. with a homebirth midwife and let HER answer a lot of his questions. She is actually the one who persueded him, not by trying to talk him into it, but by helping him to realize how normal it really was, how many she had done, etc.

3- Talk to your OB about how "high risk" your pregnancy is. Find out the stats on high risk vs low risk and what is usually involved.

4- Expose your DP to as many homebirthing -friendly resources as possible - websites, books, interviews, videos, etc. The videos that were played at our birthing classes (Hypnobirthing) were also influential to DP.

5- I showed him research talking about how women who are tense and uncomfortable have rougher labors, and raising the chances of needing outside help. I told him how much more comfortable I would be at home, without having to worry about doctors, being uncomfortable, scared, etc.

6- I provided him with a backup plan should anything go wrong. For example, we have a hospital a half mile away. Should anything go awry, I assured him that I would immediately agree to be transferred, he could drive or call 911 (his choice), etc.

So I appealed to the rational, statistical side to DP by providing him with statistics on complications, along with backing that up with my risk during pregnancy. I appealed to his fearful side by providing him unlimited question and answer time with the homebirthing midwife. I also appealed to his emotional side by providing him with a backup plan and by telling him how deeply I felt about it.

If you go through all these channels, and he still simply refuses, then he is being unreasonable and unfair. It is YOUR birthing experience, YOU will be the one going through the discomfort and pain and YOU are the one who needs to be comfortable.

And in the end, YOU are going to be the one resenting him for interfering in something you so badly want.
post #36 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moonlitnight View Post
Any other suggestions?
maybe schedule to meet a few midwives (particularly a certified Nurse midwife) and make sure he comes so they can share their experiences and answer any questions he may have. Heck, they may even have videos of pics of the children they've birthed.

Also, some have orientations or meetings with more than one couple, maybe going to one and meeting others will also help.
post #37 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moonlitnight View Post
Um, don't you think that's a little harsh? I think dp and I should come to a mutual agreement. After all, it's his child too. And he's just worried about my safety, ridiculous though he may be.

That's true but, he doesn't have to birth that child. He won't look back on your labor for the rest of his life the way that you will. This is one of those things that ultimately, a woman should choose.
post #38 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by elspethshimon View Post
I don't think it's fair to disregard your husband's concerns. But ultimately, if he continues to resist, he is being disrespectful to YOUR desires with fears that are unfounded and irrational.

Ideally, husbands and partners should be supportive, but ultimately the person with the uterus-full-of-child is the one whose needs and desires trump everyone else's, in my opinion.
I completely agree with this. Believe me it took a lot for me to tell DH that I was going to HB when I knew it wasn't what he wanted, but I knew that he loved me and that ultimately his goal is for mama and baby to be safe and happy and I just made sure that he knew that would not happen in a hospital, because of my previous experience.

I also hemmoraged with my HB, my uterus was full of clots, my MW had to give me pitocin and she had to physically go in and remove all the clots from my uterus. ( which I have to admit was not fun) I continued to bleed a little, she asked me how I felt and I said fine, DH said," you've really lost a lot of blood" and my midwife said she wasn't 100% sure that she had removed all my clots and did I want to go to the hospital just in case. Only because I had low hemoglobin and hemocrit levels to begin with I said,"okay". The doc at the hospital congratulated my mw on the great job she did removing the clots, and commented on what great care she gave. He was pretty cool.

My DD also had a slight shoulder dystocia which my MW handled beautifully, I didn't even know anything was "wrong" until later when DH told me.

They are trained for this kind of stuff, I know you know that and I know it's hard convincing partners of that but like I said before even after everything, my DH still believes in HB 100%.
post #39 of 104
Look, I understand where you're coming from with respecting your husband's opinion and concern as a partner. But - it is also very clear that you do not understand what it's like to be pregnant for 9 months and give birth. There are so many bad things that can happen to you in a hospital - most of which are non-life-threatening - that won't be happening to him. He will not have to live with the outcome of this birth the way you will have to. He will not be as traumatised by a bad birth experience as you will be. The women that are here who are saying, "your body, your birth, your choice" are women who know this firsthand - no matter what happens in the birth, it's going to impact you, your body, and your emotional and mental well-being infinitely more than it will impact him.

I went into my first pregnancy with your attitude about my husband's fear and right to be involved in decisions regarding myself and the baby and so on and so forth - and I haven't lost all of it. I finished my first pregnancy strapped to a surgical table, shaking like a leaf, vomiting my empty guts up, feeling every cut and every stitch because the anesthetic did not work the way it was supposed to. It wasn't a medically indicated c-section (verified by several different OB's since then) but we were strongly coerced and scared into it just because I'd been in labor "too long," - 28 hours.

My second pregnancy I was still respecting him - he was afraid to VBAC at home. His fear this time was rupture, and the fact that while he agreed that the last c-section was unnecessary when it was performed, it's not clear that I wouldn't have ended up needing one (very poorly positioned baby). He was completely supportive of everything I wanted, except staying at home. I was miserable the whole pregnancy. I couldn't face the end, because I couldn't go to a hospital, not for anything. Not this completely different hospital 1000 miles away from the one with my first, not with my militantly pro-vbac practice, not with an OB who told me during my pre-natal care whenever I needed to hear it that it was my right as a patient to decline any practice, procedure, test, or routine that I wanted. Terrified. At 34 weeks, after having the "I can't go to a hospital" fight for the 70th time at least, I told him that I was done talking to him. I explained to him calmly that there was absolutely NO chance that he'd end up carved open like a thanksgiving turkey when we go to the hospital, and that being the case I no longer gave a shit how he felt. I started calling homebirthing midwives. Several of them were willing to take me on, even as far along as I was.

Now, I didn't end up staying home, I found a midwife who was willing to be my doula, I ordered a tub from waterbirth international and had it sent to my hospital, and I refused to consent to anything unless someone was actually going to die - and I succeeded. I had my intervention free vbac in a hospital - no drugs, no unneccessary or unwanted ANYTHING.

This time around we are going to give birth to our 3rd and most likely final child at home. My husband is with me, but if I could go back and do it all over again, I'd have forced the homebirth issue the first pregnancy, before I was marked for life unnecessarily by my scarred uterus. At the time I didn't even look into it - it was outside his comfort zone and it hadn't called to me yet. But, if I knew then what I know now - that the safest thing for both me and baby is to be born at home with an experienced midwife - I would have fought for it.

I hope this isn't so long that you don't read it, because I'm trying to explain to you why you should be listening to the women here who are telling you "your body, your birth, your choice" and not just disregarding it as the comments of women who just don't have the kind of relationship that you have with your husband. That's what I used to think too, but that's not it. I have an amazingly strong marriage to an amazingly empathetic man - but he cannot give birth for us, that is my job. Honestly, he is one of the ones who actually would if he could. But, since it's my job to give birth, it's my responsibility to make sure that it happens under the conditions that are safest for me and our baby - not his.
post #40 of 104
Educate him. Show him statistics (for hospital and home), show him good links, print out some good articles, maybe find some good books.

Fear stems from not knowing.
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