Dp won't let me have a hb!!! - Page 3

[Amila]

My DH wasn't into it either, but we watched a screening of The Business of Being Born and that really helped him change his tune! It is coming to Netflix I think in Jan.

HTH.

[Diva Mama]

I'm appalled by the idea that he would literally scoop you up and take you to a hospital against your will. That's disgusting and I hope you were exaggerating.

If he trusts you to be his life partner and the mother of his children, he should trust your choices and that you have educated yourself enough to make them.

Not my intention to offend, but I'm pretty offended by the idea of someone having to completely subjugate their choice to the irrationality of their partner. With his threats and reluctance he is effectively taking away your choice.

Good Luck.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

Here's a large, prospective study in North America about homebirth you can show him. It matched risk factors, and found no maternal mortality, lower infant mortality at home, and 5 times fewer cesareans at home not to mention other interventions.

http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/330/7505/1416?ehom

Remember that this is your body, not his. You get an extra vote. It's a fact that homebirth is AT LEAST as safe as hospital birth, possibly safer, and just because he's scared that doesn't mean you don't get to be as safe as possible. I'd show him the study, take him to see The Business of Being Born (which comes out on Netflix in Feb), and tell him you need to be safe giving birth and he needs to understand. I would not get pregnant til he agreed unless I was willing to put MY foot down. He has NO RIGHT to put his down.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

Originally Posted by Moonlitnight

His response: "You can get staph infections at home!

LOL!!! Really?? Whose home? Hospital-acquired infections are vastly underreported, but even those reported are 2 million per year, causing 90,000 deaths. One reason I quit doula-ing is I can't go to the hospital without picking up some sickness while I'm there. They are nasty, supergerm infested places. Your body is accustomed to the germs in your home; you have a symbiotic relationship with them. Hospital germs are antibiotic resistant, strange germs that your body (and that of your tiny newborn) will have a much harder time fighting.

[spookymama]

Like Optimism, I also had a similar view with my first child. I wanted to make my husband and my family comfortable. Instead of the midwife that I wanted, I let myself be talked in OB's that they wanted. I let myself be talked into a hospital that I didn't want. I completely gave over control of my birth, what I wanted, and what I knew what would be best for the baby.

As a result, I had an unneeded surgery on my birthday no less (I never even had a stitch before) and a hell of a time trying to recover my sanity. Because I handed over my birth, it closed a lot of doors for me this pregnancy, and it has also increased my risks. I can not take that back. I wish to god that I could, but I cant.

Now I find myself having to work backwards.

My husband is now supportive of home birth, but it wasn't always that way. He had a lot of fears too (that I needed to address one by one), and it's understandable. It is not however, acceptable in reasoning. Fear based decisions are often wrong decisions because they are based from fear and not logic. It's okay to be afraid. What is not okay is to let that fear drive you.

Here is the thing. Yes, it is your partners baby. Yes you should try to listen to his concerns (listen does not mean bend or give into them). Try to work them out as best as you can. But at the end of the day , it is you, not your partner that is going to have carry the baby for 9 plus months (you can be trusted to do that, but not to birth??). It is only you, and not your partner that is going to have to push the baby out into the world. It is not your partner that may have to be on the surgical table, possible risking his life or reproductive organs. It is not your partner that would have to go through any side effects of said surgery. Or may have to deal with his body never being the same again afterwards.

He can not bare the pain with you. He can not make your body relax. That charge is on you, and you alone. Only you know what can make your body relax, what positions are most comfortable, and you can't help if you feel more safe in one place then the next. That is part of the process.

What your partner can do is support you. He can help you create a safe place to birth your child, even if that saying nothing at all. He can read up on your choices, and he should. But no matter how harsh this seems, this is the truth. Its your body. It is your decision. Even if that decision is to leave it up to someone else.

But what is not acceptable is to be bullied. You are already so vulnerable in pregnancy and in labor. To have someone you trust threaten to violate that, because they want what they want. Well. Even if it is coming from a place of concern, is just not acceptable. There is enough bulling coming from other places let alone to take it from someone you trust.

[KurumiSophia]

I followed my husband's wishes and ended up getting an induction that ended in a c-section. It was NOT FUN and if I had to do it over again, I would have told my DH to get bent and we're having this baby at home or at the birthing center.

Just my 2 cents.

[LemonPie]

My husband is a physician so you can imagine what his initial views on HB were. I showed him some statistics and articles. He started to come around.

Then he read Pushed. He said it made him really angry and he's TOTALLY on board with my having a HB next time now.

Jen

ETA: On second thought, Pushed might not be the best first choice for your dp, because there is a HB-with-a-bad-outcome story in there.

[homewithtwinsmama]

No vagina, no vote. Seriously, it ain't his body or his pain. I would NEVER allow my husband to tell me where I would go through one of the most important experiences a woman can have. I would leave the house, go to a hotel without telling him when labor started and do it alone before I would give in to coercion. If he is this coercive now he will be pretty easy for a knife happy OB to co-opt.

[raelize]

i have to agree with homeswithtwinsmama. when you have been induced and the labor is stalling and they want to cut you open, they go to your dh first. if he has this much control now, what will he say then when they tell him they have to section you to save you and the baby (whether or not that is true)?
i have a bil who is a surgeon. when his wife had their first, it ended up with a cesearean. she worked really hard to find an ob that would do a vbac and followed all of his advice. at her second birth, bil got nervous that it was taking to long, so he freaked out and made his wife agree to a c-section. he made his wife get a c-section cause he wasn't comfortable with a natural labor.
another sil and i had the exact same labors, six months apart. she wanted it totally natural and practiced hypnobirthing, and honestly, she is the most determined person i know. she birthed in a hospital and i birthed at home. guess who had the section. same labors, but because i was could walk, rest, eat, bath, relax in my own house at my own pace, i ended up with a long difficult labor, but no section. she got surgery and a long emotional recovery. honestly, the only difference between our labors was the location of the birth.

another thing, a lot of women who have hard births in hopitals have a hard time bonding with their babies. feelings of inadequecy and failure. even when they don't have surgery. do you want to risk that?

[DreamsInDigital]

Originally Posted by Moonlitnight

Um, don't you think that's a little harsh? I think dp and I should come to a mutual agreement. After all, it's his child too. And he's just worried about my safety, ridiculous though he may be.

No, actually I don't think it's harsh at all. I think it's preposterous that someone else would project their hangups onto your choice of birth place, when they are not the ones that would be subjected to repeated unneccessary vaginal exams, external (or possible internal) continuous fetal monitoring, starvation and denial of fluids, threats of inductions, c sections, intervening procedures that can endager your baby or yourself, being forced to lay flat on an uncomfortable bed while experiencing the most painful experience a woman can experience and having your private parts hanging out exposed to a bunch of strangers while you attempt to give birth under these conditions. I think that's harsh.

[phathui5]

Originally Posted by thefragile7393

I'd mention the MRSA and staph infections in hospitals.

If he thinks he can drag a woman in full labor to a hospital, let alone ANYWHERE, he could be in for a big surprise!

I can speak to the infections in hospitals. My neighbor caught an infection from the hospital when she had her fourth baby. Her entire family has had boils on and off for the past three years because of it. A man from our church died two weeks ago from an infection he caught in the hospital during an otherwise sucessful surgery.

[3xx1xyFamily]

Originally Posted by Jörð

Then insist he get a vagina.

lol!


My DH was this way with the first, too afraid of me dying! I compromised with a birth center... we have none in town.... so I agreed to birth MY WAY at a hospital.... I ended up a coerced c-section because of his fears. Broke my heart, almost ended our marriage. Found out we were PG with #2 once again, I said my way or get the F out of my way. He is so happy with this choice, he is excited to tell people who ask we'll be delivering at home.

Don't give up your belief's because of his fears. Ask him to meet with a MW before TTC, see if she can help calm his fears. check meetup.com or yahoo groups, see if there's a home birth group near you, maybe meeting other home birthers will help.

GL

[OkiMom]

Have you maybe tired to compromise? Have the baby in a birthing center instead of a hospital? Or both do your research and come together and have a discussion? A lot about raising a baby I have found out is about compromising.

[spookymama]

Originally Posted by OkiMom

Have you maybe tired to compromise? Have the baby in a birthing center instead of a hospital? Or both do your research and come together and have a discussion? A lot about raising a baby I have found out is about compromising.

I get what you are saying here, OkiMom. But why on earth should she have to compromise where she feels comfortable to birth their baby, because her husband doesn't want to deal with his fear? He does not seem from what she has said, even willing to look at her side at all. More over, he has threatened to override her wishes because he wants to. Now, that could be just his fear speaking. Goodness knows my husband has stuck his foot in it a few times.. But it's still not acceptable.

Birth Centers as wonderful as they are, are not home. There is not the comforts of home there, which the Poster expressed.

Raising a baby is about compromise. Birthing a baby however, at least in my opinion, should not be. ;0)

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by *Melissa*

3- Talk to your OB about how "high risk" your pregnancy is. Find out the stats on high risk vs low risk and what is usually involved.

I would not do this. A lot of OBs will tell you that you're high risk. Especially if they can sense you might be, er, "that type" of patient (informed, ready to break ranks, etc.).

I planned a HB all along but saw an OB in the beginning because I had questions and no midwife yet. I later got a copy of my records there, and I see I was marked high risk - why? Because I filled out a survey admitting I'd been depressed before. They didn't even ask me about it - I was depressed as a teen because my best friend committed suicide. Is that so unreasonable? (Now I know to always lie about that question, anywhere, but I wasn't thinking about it). So I got the universal "high risk" label slapped on me, without them asking or caring about my answer on the stupid one-page survey, with no suggestions for managing PPD when that came around, and no allowance for the possible difference between me having a teenage depression after a traumatic event and my being high risk for medical intervention during pregnancy, labor and birth.

And just another "yeah that" to the women saying that this is not an equal load you and DH are carrying. I do respect a husband's input and do respect his comfort. I felt the same way. But when DH and I weren't getting anywhere with deciding, I decided.

[accountclosed3]

while i agree that you're "in this together" his fears shouldn't be the deciding factor.

he has a responsibility to look into his fears and work through them. if he is unwilling to do this, i see no way how you are truly "in this together" since he's not doing a thing (that is, he's not willing to work on his stuff to come to a partnership decision).

ultimately, you have to choose what is safest based on a number of factors--logical, feeling, etc--but it shouldn't be based on fear, stubbornness, the fact that he's a man, etc.

if you believe it's a decision for both of you, have him convince you as to why the hospital is better, and to work through his fears indepdently.

if he can work through his fears, learn about homebirth vs hospital birth, and then present a well reasoned (logical and emotional) argument for a hospital birth, then consider it.

[pampered_mom]

Originally Posted by Moonlitnight

Um, don't you think that's a little harsh? I think dp and I should come to a mutual agreement. After all, it's his child too. And he's just worried about my safety, ridiculous though he may be.

I don't think what DID said was harsh in the least bit. Yes, it's his child too, but he's not going to be the one giving birth. tbh I never thought I'd be among the "no vagina, no vote" crowd, but after having a medically unnecessary c/s back in 2005 my perspective has changed. My dh has been supportive of hb ever since I mentioned it, but that may have something to do with the fact that he went through the emotional fall out with me.

Originally Posted by NishaG

maybe schedule to meet a few midwives (particularly a certified Nurse midwife) and make sure he comes so they can share their experiences and answer any questions he may have. Heck, they may even have videos of pics of the children they've birthed.

Also, some have orientations or meetings with more than one couple, maybe going to one and meeting others will also help.

: I think this would be a fantastic idea. You can start looking for some in your area by going to www.minnesotabirthnetwork.com

[OkiMom]

Originally Posted by spookymama

I get what you are saying here, OkiMom. But why on earth should she have to compromise where she feels comfortable to birth their baby, because her husband doesn't want to deal with his fear? He does not seem from what she has said, even willing to look at her side at all. More over, he has threatened to override her wishes because he wants to. Now, that could be just his fear speaking. Goodness knows my husband has stuck his foot in it a few times.. But it's still not acceptable.

Birth Centers as wonderful as they are, are not home. There is not the comforts of home there, which the Poster expressed.

Raising a baby is about compromise. Birthing a baby however, at least in my opinion, should not be. ;0)

I think everything, even the birth is about compromise. After all I wouldn't even want the man I love and married to be uncomfortable and not enjoy his child. It could lead to a LOT of resentment and unhappiness. Usually Im all for your body your say but when it comes to children I think there always needs to be a compromise.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

How would insisting that he examine his fears and look at the reality of homebirth cause a man to not enjoy his child?

[homewithtwinsmama]

[QUOTE=SublimeBirthGirl;9988812]LOL!!! Really?? Whose home? Hospital-acquired infections are vastly underreported, but even those reported are 2 million per year, causing 90,000 deaths.

My 2lb 10oz preemie caught a MRSA infection in the hospital. I got her out of there as fast as I could because there were NEC infections passing around as well. Oh and I got a massive uterine infection after my first hospital birth. My home born baby and I never got an infection at my home birth even though I was home with ruptured membranes for FIVE DAYS before labor began and did not take any antibiotics. Hmmm.....