how do you... - Page 2

[LilyGrace]

Originally Posted by swellmomma

Keep the ideas coming ladies. I am on my way to library to find a couple of those books now, if I find them working well I'll hit the bookstore to buy them. I like the idea of using music. I doubt I'll start the clean up song lol BUt I am thinking of maybe turnig on classical music for the family to listen to while we gt up, dressed, eat breakfast etc. Hmm gotta think on that one, but I may just try it.

Swellmomma, you might try the Animaniacs. I made a slightly sugary, peppy cd a few years ago for our morning grumpies, starting off with I'm Mad (a song of three siblings fighting), then flowing into Schoolhouse Rock, Scooby Doo and peppering with more Animaniac songs. It really helped to transfer the conflicts to silliness and the kids still love it.

Another thing I tried was Mrs. Piggle Wiggle. She has magic cures for nearly everything, and what she doesn't cure by magic she cures by gentle discipline. Whatever stood out, whatever had been gnawing at us for days, that's the chapter we read. Everything from heedless breakers to tattling is addressed (and a BRAND NEW book has just been added to the series! Yay!). The kids love it, and I like the after affects that follow - like being able to gaze above their heads and smile...as the tattle stops in midsentence. Or a well placed label of Dick's book - DON'T TOUCH! as a subtle reminder that sharing has its time and place. Just little things, but they do make a difference.

[swellmomma]

Originally Posted by LilyGrace

Swellmomma, you might try the Animaniacs. I made a slightly sugary, peppy cd a few years ago for our morning grumpies, starting off with I'm Mad (a song of three siblings fighting), then flowing into Schoolhouse Rock, Scooby Doo and peppering with more Animaniac songs. It really helped to transfer the conflicts to silliness and the kids still love it.

Another thing I tried was Mrs. Piggle Wiggle. She has magic cures for nearly everything, and what she doesn't cure by magic she cures by gentle discipline. Whatever stood out, whatever had been gnawing at us for days, that's the chapter we read. Everything from heedless breakers to tattling is addressed (and a BRAND NEW book has just been added to the series! Yay!). The kids love it, and I like the after affects that follow - like being able to gaze above their heads and smile...as the tattle stops in midsentence. Or a well placed label of Dick's book - DON'T TOUCH! as a subtle reminder that sharing has its time and place. Just little things, but they do make a difference.

ohhh I am going to look for those mrs piggle wiggle books those would be great

[ruhbehka]

I just wanted to say that I hope something that someone has suggested helps, and that you are a great mama.

I feel crazy on the evenings when DH is working late, and we only have one (very active) kiddo. I can't imagine doing it alone with four!

:

I also wanted to say that things aren't going to change overnight, as you know, and one really, really awesome thing about practicing GD is that when you're at your wits end, you can come to MDC and get centered again.

[3happygirls]

I haven't read all the replies. I don't have many answers, but I, too, came into this way of parenting late (my girls are only 5, but for the first 3 years or so, I was a pretty strict mama, not mention kind of harsh). I don't want to sound like it was easy. I don't even remember how things changed.

For one, I got involved with people MUCH more "advanced" in the hippy area than me. I took notes when I was around them, and I read, read, read! Everything I could on this site. Some could say there was a time when I spent WAY too much time online and not enough with the kids, but that was a great time of growth for me and very helpful to draw from the wisdom of some here. I would come away with new ideas and a fresh perspective (most of the time. on parenting). So, it was one step at a time that I changed (am changing). It meant trying a new way of stepping back for a moment, gathering my thoughts and not acting or speaking on my first impulse. To realize that letting one thing slide was not going to ruin them until I figured out how to discipline that thing in an appropriate, more gentle way.

I really actually let the kids "run wild" (in the thoughts of some) and didn't discpline really at all for some time. I would clean up there mess, so "Oh, bummer" when things got broken, took a step back from all my rules. I then watched their faces as they waited for the other shoe to drop. I took note, I took it to heart. I let it sink in as I realized they expected me to be harsh and cold. It broke me. THEN I started to implement some of the proactive, positive discpline tactics I learned here....and YES! even thought of some myself and they actually worked!!!

BIG HUGS to you. You can do it. Step WAAAAY back. Then take it one step at a time!

[munkeesmama]

Jumping int to say while our case is not as extreme, i'm enjoying reading the ideas here.

[mamaduck]

Lots of wonderful suggestions on this thread!

If I were in your shoes, I would put a good deal of energy into planning and structuring your days. I know its hard to do that when you have kids clammoring at you, and limited energy. But whatever energy you put into planning and structuring will come back to you times 4. I swear -- time put in on the front of problems like this saves a heck of a lot of time on the other end, when you are not having to invest the emotional energy in reacting.

I agree with the poster who said that you need to address the problems one by one, in detail, by making proactive plans. So I think what I would do is make a long list of all the behavior problems (and be very specific) and then prioritize them in terms of how severely they affect your family. Then start working on a plan for the item at the top of the list. What you will find, is that solving the high priority problems will also solve a handful of the low priority problems.

Its very important to be specific about the problem behaviors. Don't write down things like "defiance" or "disrespect." Those behaviors are too vaugh to effectively address. Write down, "cursing," "tone of voice," or "breaking things." Kwim?

Work on problems ONE at a TIME, and set goals with your kid's participation. Make a plan to celebrate when you (as a family) acheive that goal. Part of your plan to address each behavior should be daily mini-talk sessions with each child, or as a family, to check in and see how it is going. Try to stimulate some sense of enthusiasm, or at least -- keep it positive.

Picking your battles is important, but don't confuse relaxing about certain issues with letting go of your structure and boundaries. Different sorts of kids need different levels of boundary setting. I get the feeling that your kids need pretty clear and well defined boundaries. My rule of thumb is that issues affecting primarily THIER bodies are issues to "let go." Ie. -- It is generally a mistake to be overly strict about toileting, eating, dressing, and sleep issues. Intentional destruction of property, directed profanity, and hitting are boundary issues that I would be pretty firm about. Does that make sense?

Finally, I would look hard at your routine and schedule and put some energy into structuring that. The idea of getting out and getting exersize in the early morning is really important, and I bet would make a world of difference. Fresh air, even when its unpleasant out, helps a lot too.

[laoxinat]

Originally Posted by swellmomma

laoxinat YOu are right about what the child FEELS as opposed to what is. I know growing up my parents thought they lavished love on us, but I never felt and still don't. THey showed it by buying stuff, I wanted them to listen to me, and talk to me and take me seriously etc. It has taken 30 years for my mom to finally realize what I have been tellng her all this time(she always got offended thinking I was saying she didn't love me). I don't want my kids to feel that way, nor do Iw ant it to take 30 years for me to wake up and figure it out. I am hoping that using GD is going to be a step in the right direction to show them just how much they are loved/cherished kwim

you are a wonderful, loving mama!
When DH and I were dating, he had me put a sticky note on my mirror that read,"I love you, Natalie" from ME and I was ro read it out loud very day until it didn't feel weird to say it. WOW what a difference.
It is also useful to remember that GD *works* not in the sense of miraculously making our kids more compliant and obedience, but rather by freeing us from our own past and expectations, to watch, in rapt attention, as the miracles of who our children really are is revealed.

[zoe196]

wow I can only imagine what it must be like for you as I'm struggling as a single ma to ONE child...it sounds like you are geting some good advice. The only thing I can add is that I noticed when you listed the foods your ds was pulling out of the cupboard they were mostly sugar and refined carbs (sugar, cake mix, cocoa etc) and in my experience those foods can have a HUGE impact on moods and behavoir, and not sure but I may have read about sugar/ and or additives having an effect on ADHD as well. I'm sure you could find info on all this in other MDC forums...

I hope you are able to make the changes you want to

Zoe mamma to Thomas 01-06

[3happygirls]

Hi, again, Brandy. I just read this whole thread and I'm sorry I responded before being fully attentive to the whole thing. My wording was NOT right for this situation, and probably had *some* bad advice mixed for your particular situation. I just wanted to share my story with you and tell you that it IS possible to change your ways. In my case and my family we struggled with being TOO rigid and ended up with kids scared to have an opinion and apologized for spilled milk, if you know what I mean. So, we didn't have the destruction of property component, but it was still REALLY difficult to change our way of doing things. Old habits die hard, but they do die and I KNOW you can do it.

Another shout out for "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves"....great book, and set me on my way to GD. We probably have VERY different kids, very different experiences, but I still want to support your endeavors.

Again!! BIG HUGS! Enjoy tomorrow and PM me anytime!

[opticalpopsicle]

:

There's some really good ideas here. Something that helped me was watching SuperNanny. It's good to read about techniques but it really gets driven home when you SEE it in action, and those kids she has to tame are off-the-wall! She also uses schedules often.
Having them asleep at 8pm might help as they'll be getting more sleep, also as PP said, purge the sugar and junk from their diets.

[Breeder]

I also suggest using RHYTHM (schedule is still a bit of a dirty word in my mind). My child was pretty wild before we found this method and it seems that children really respond to knowing what comes next and having balanced transitions. For this I reccomend Beyond the Rainbow Bridge (you can find it on Amazon- super easy enjoyable read) and You are Your Child's First Teacher.

Also remain CONSISTANT. It is very important that they know how you will react when something wrong (that's a tough one I know), how their days will go, etc.

We also do In breathing/outbreathing (which are discussed in the books above I believe), where there is a quiet,centered activity (like painting, making bread, making a necklace, washing dishes, folding clothes, reading, or story time), then there is a loud, active time (like free play, using stomping to count or do simple math, dancing, jumping, playing frisbee etc). We break these into one hour chunks (as does DS's school).

Free play for an hour is awesome because it lets you relax, and an hour isn't enough time for them to do too much damage. Also incorporating the kiddos into housework allows you to get things done (and be helped) while also scheduling their day.

I wouldn't schedule everyday the same, but in a similar rhythm.... for example:
On Mon we do laundry and make bread
On Tues we go to the library
On Wed we go grocery shopping

etc. Anyway, early bedtimes, healthy foods, and rhythm rhythm rhythm! And hang in there, it won't work right away!