Staying Home Vs. Going Out

[dharmamama]

I was wondering whether other parents of young teens have any guidelines for how often their kids need to be home vs. going out to friends' houses.

Desta's best friend lives down the street. She's a nice girl who is always polite to me and dh and kind to the little kids. Desta wants to go to her house every day after school.

I wouldn't mind expect for two things:

1) Best friend lives with her grandparents, who smoke like scorched oil

2) The more time Desta spends away from home, the more atittudey she gets.

I told her the other day that I would like for her and best friend to spend more time here, and I explained to Desta that I was concerned about how much smoke exposure she is getting by being at best friend's house every day. I explained about lung cancer, and of course Desta, who is extremely literal, then wanted to know whether she has lung cancer NOW. She wanted to know whether she would be able to have sleep-overs at best friend's house anymore. Honestly, I don't want her to because she reeks when she comes home, but I know it's fun to go to sleep-overs.

But also, I really want Desta to spend more time at home anyway because she is less snarky and much nicer to the little kids when she spends more time with us.

And yes, I have read Hold on to Your Kids.

dm

[smillerhouse]

I have this same issue. What I have tried to do is be honest with me concerning what is important for Cara (14.5) to do to take care of herself,her goeals,her intersts and to have some time connecting iwth dad who is out od hte home 11 hours a day. It was not perfect but what worked this past week is she stayed around hwere (we homeschool) and did her activies (volleyball) during the week. On Friday, she had a voice lesson and went to a movie with her 17 year old brother. Then, dad met her at the NCAA volleyball regonals at UF. He freind met her there later. That way Cara got her intersts and time with her dad and the all important social time tool I /et her spend the niht at Emily's. Dad picked the irls up and they went shopping (grocery and Christmas) for 7 hours. Cara went back over to Emily's unitl about 3 P.M. Then she wanted to go to a movie with Emily,so it was to a movie at 8:00 and Emilys dad brouht her back home.
This weekend she will have a volleyball ref clinic on Saturday and then she will go over to Emilys for aa sleepover/party with other girls. Sunday will be family/church and youth group day.
For us, it si a balance and ets harder at older age. We have remained very family oreinted and try to still have some time with teens (meals-mostly at home "down time". Great topic!!!
I try to encourage a balnce. For Cara this means, some academics, some sports,some frinds, some family, and some youth group. I try to balnce out the peer stuff becasue,yes, around here, too she ets too snarky if it is too peer laden. I also (sometimes more successully than others) encourage her to have a variety of social outlets. That way, if one friendship tanks,there are other options. Currently, I am encouragin her to be involved in our church for a few horus a week (this week will be more due to visitn hsutins and a holiday party) . I have alrady asked her about Chritmas break-I want some time aroudn here. I have agreed to take her and her freind to amusment park, roller rink, paintbalin, and rock climbing. Sallie
Sallie

[Marcee]

My son is 12. He is allowed to go to a friends house really no more than 1x per week. And we dont allow more than one friend per week at our house. We allow sleep over once a month or so. Depending on what is going on.

[Arduinna]

We let her decide that for herself from a pretty young age although we didn't have issue similar to what the OP is describing. I'm not sure what I'd have decided in that case.

[MarineWife]

My ds pretty goes out as much as he wants as long as it doesn't conflict with anything we are doing as a family or that he needs to do. I've also made our house open to his friends pretty much whenever, too.

[chiromamma]

WARNING! VERY STRONG OPINIONATED, SOAPBOX TYPE OF STUFF!!!

We are hands down, no playing at a house where folks smoke inside. The research on second hand smoke is too strong.
Dd and DS's have seen lungs of cadavers who were smokers, pictures of lungs of smokers and the same examples of healthy lungs. DH and I are chiropractors. We have Anatomy atlases and took all the kids to the BodyWorlds exhibit when it came to our local science museum. One needn't be a HCP with a passion for anatomy to educate kids about the consequences of cigarrette smoke. There are loads of pix online.
Kids get it when they see it.
We have a nice 10 yo girl down the street. Adults and teens smoke in the house. Teens smoke dope. If she wants to play, they play here. I've had one or two uncomfortable conversations with mom but she kinda gets it.