I'm talking to my little brother and letting him just get it all out (over im). I have a feeling he hasn't until now because he's playing the parent to my mom (she's not handling life well...but she's a mess anyway so him and my other one [twins] are always doing it...anyhow) so I'm just listening. And its getting to me.
I've been so angry at him for so long that I've avoided him for the last 3-3.5ish years. My last memory of him was from right before we moved to Oregon and that was about 2 years ago. I can't think of the last time I talked to him on the phone or in person after that. My little brother has memories of him from last month! I'm not angry with him anymore. I'm angry at myself. I know why I did it and I don't feel it was a bad reason but I wish I had bucked up, faced my issues (cause I was denying/avoiding them!), and moved past it. I lost a lot of time with him.
Despite what happened he was a great guy. I know why (now being older and able to look at it from different angles) it happened and I do not view him as a bad guy. We (him and I) lived with our older sister and her husband there for a bit and even when things looked craptastic he could make us laugh and feel better about things. I remember when we had to move from there I was heartbroken. I had my first real boyfriend and was in love. I was so mad at my sister for doing that to me and instead of lecturing me or anything he took me, my boyfriend, and best friend to the movies and genuinely tried to make me feel better. He was so sad and lonely and knew how it felt that he was constantly trying to make sure no one else felt like that. I misssed out on a lot of love and I missed out on giving him a lot of love. Cause I did love him. I loved him a lot. I didn't realize how important he was to me and to our family.
His girlfriend through a wake/mourning party/get together for him down where he lived and my dad was saying that he had shut himself off from so many people near the end that the majority of the people who showed up were his bar "buddies"..the ones he would buy rounds of drinks for whenever he went drinking. That makes me incredibly sad. I wish he hadn't been so sad. Knowing how hard he took those sort of feelings and knowing how depression can make those seem so much larger than life just crushes my heart.
Do you mind me sharing the slideshow my little brother made about him? No one has to look at it but I just want to share him with everyone. The comment at the bottom is from my mom and the other people she mentions (by name) are my other brother (SIDS death) and his best friend growing up (he died a bit ago as well). It's long...about 12 minutes.
Kodie Jack
You can see he's been gone for a long time. He stopped smiling and being "present" years ago..right around the time my parents divorced. He seemed to take that really hard.
Needed some hugs over here tonight.
:
I've been so angry at him for so long that I've avoided him for the last 3-3.5ish years. My last memory of him was from right before we moved to Oregon and that was about 2 years ago. I can't think of the last time I talked to him on the phone or in person after that. My little brother has memories of him from last month! I'm not angry with him anymore. I'm angry at myself. I know why I did it and I don't feel it was a bad reason but I wish I had bucked up, faced my issues (cause I was denying/avoiding them!), and moved past it. I lost a lot of time with him.
Despite what happened he was a great guy. I know why (now being older and able to look at it from different angles) it happened and I do not view him as a bad guy. We (him and I) lived with our older sister and her husband there for a bit and even when things looked craptastic he could make us laugh and feel better about things. I remember when we had to move from there I was heartbroken. I had my first real boyfriend and was in love. I was so mad at my sister for doing that to me and instead of lecturing me or anything he took me, my boyfriend, and best friend to the movies and genuinely tried to make me feel better. He was so sad and lonely and knew how it felt that he was constantly trying to make sure no one else felt like that. I misssed out on a lot of love and I missed out on giving him a lot of love. Cause I did love him. I loved him a lot. I didn't realize how important he was to me and to our family.
His girlfriend through a wake/mourning party/get together for him down where he lived and my dad was saying that he had shut himself off from so many people near the end that the majority of the people who showed up were his bar "buddies"..the ones he would buy rounds of drinks for whenever he went drinking. That makes me incredibly sad. I wish he hadn't been so sad. Knowing how hard he took those sort of feelings and knowing how depression can make those seem so much larger than life just crushes my heart.
Do you mind me sharing the slideshow my little brother made about him? No one has to look at it but I just want to share him with everyone. The comment at the bottom is from my mom and the other people she mentions (by name) are my other brother (SIDS death) and his best friend growing up (he died a bit ago as well). It's long...about 12 minutes.
Kodie Jack
You can see he's been gone for a long time. He stopped smiling and being "present" years ago..right around the time my parents divorced. He seemed to take that really hard.
Needed some hugs over here tonight.
:
) was that she had my brothers nose. I just saw a picture of him from when he was little on the slideshow and he looks exactly like her. Not sure if that makes me happy or even more sad.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family can find peace .
s
