why can't i forgive myself for my labor?

[Googy]

i had a long and scary labor after 42 weeks of pregnancy that ended in an emergency c-section, and for some reason i just can't get over it. i was trying for a vbac (my first was breech) and i wanted it so badly. i took bradley classes, read all there was to read on vbacs and natural childbirth, had very supportive health care, and i stll failed. i'm trying really hard to be rational about the whole thing. i was not in a good situation. i was running a 102 degree fever throughout labor and had tons of meconium in my water. my blood pressure was only 80/50. my daughter was 9 pounds 14 ounces (keep in mind that i am a small person--just over 100 pounds pre-pregnancy), occiput posterior, and was unable to descend (she was at +3 station for most of the labor). she was also desceling big time--her heartbeat would go down to 80 with each contrabtion and she was not recovering well in between. after 24 hours of back labor i pushed for three hours and was unable to move her at all. when i try to rationally look at all of these facts, i know that things were not going well, and that this was probably one of those few situations where a c-section really is necessary. however, i am having a hard time being rational about it. i just feel like a failure.

i don't know why i'm so upset about this--i have a beautiful, healthy baby in my arms, and when it all comes down to it that's all that matters. for some reason, though, i just can't forgive myself for not being able to birth my babies. i catch myself crying about it in the middle of the night. i don't think i have ppd, because otherwise i am totally fine. i just can't move past this one issue. any advice????

[thekimballs]

I think you need to remove "probably" from that sentence in the first paragraph. Your experience and her position/situation are what make c-sections such an incredible blessing. Overused, undoubtedly, but in your case your daughter was sending very clear signals that she was not OK continuing through labor and you made exactly the right decision to consent to the section.

You are the OPPOSITE of a failure. You used your mama power to get a healthy baby out of your body and into your arms. You were faced with far more than most of us will ever face, and you negotiated it and brought a baby into the world.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with mourning a birth experience--every single one of mine, even though they were vaginal and unmedicated and generally great, has had elements that I have worked over like a tongue on a sore tooth, moving from shame to anger to acceptance. But I think you need to separate mourning the EXPERIENCE from mourning YOUR ROLE. You did PERFECTLY and have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. The birth did not *go* perfectly.

[sofiabugmom]

I'm not in your DDC, but I couldn't read your story without replying.

Please know that it's normal to feel a little, heck, even a lot, shell-shocked after a scary L&D, even when you have, in your words, a beautiful, healthy baby (you got pix to share?! ). And while I'm not a psychologist, it is possible you do have mild PPD. If you can, please consult a therapist to talk about it and get help if need be. You've been through A LOT.

When I read your story, it reminded me of my post-partum experience five years (geez, how the time flies) ago. And it's a long one, so pull up a chair, your favorite beverage and get comfy:

In my case, I was in pre-term labor after being hospitalized for a week for P-PROM with my first baby. We'd been planning a homebirth ... I had no problems conceiving, no history of complications for myself or my family history, seemingly perfect candidate for birthing at home. Then I had back pain (turns out it was probably back labor) right at 30 weeks. I just thought it was just everything shifting, especially after my checkup where the baby was fine, my BP was fine, no other issues. Whoosh, water broke that night, and into the hospital I went. Everything went upside down.

A week after I was admitted, baby's heartrate skyrocketed and jumpstarted my labor, baby had to be monitored with the IFM, I had to labor lying flat on my back with legs in stirrups, in the bright operating room, baby wouldn't descent past +1 station ... everything was just WRONG, both from a medical and psychological point of view. I remember thinking to myself, "Just get this kid out of me already, I cannot take anymore!" Soon after, I consented to an epidural, simply due to sheer exhaustion, then baby's heartrate plummeted on contractions. The docs couldn't get any blood from the scalp to test, so I consented to an emergency section. It turns out I had a partial placental abruption, and they had to give me over a dozen pitocin shots to stop the bleeding.

Now, I'm sure you're thinking, "Why has this perfect stranger shared her difficult labor and delivery story with me?" Here's why ...

Similar to your situation, I had prepared myself for a natural birth and delivery. I had a supportive medical community and my DH was with me at nearly every midwife appointment. I read all about the wonders of natural birth, the joyful stories of moms who birthed at home, or with minimal interventions in a birthing center or even a hospital, and pictured myself doing the same.

Instead our bodies decided to take a very scary detour that, while giving us beautiful babies at the end of the journey, left us physically scarred and emotionally shocked and traumatized.

Please try to remember that you DID NOT FAIL. You wisely relied on your instincts and realized that for this birth, your body needed the medical community to help you birth your baby.

I, too, found myself crying in the night about what I went through, or more specifically, what I didn't get to go through. I was furious with myself for not being able to give birth the way *I* wanted to. But after talking with a few other moms about it, I realized that I made the right decisions for the circumstances. And that it was all right to be angry and sad about what I didn't get; I needed to grieve for the birth I had planned for and wanted so badly but didn't have.

There are lots of moms who will lend a shoulder and eye (well, most of us are reading rather than listening, so "ear" doesn't usually apply ) in this community. And as I mentioned above, a therapist may be helpful as well.

Blessings to you and your newly-grown family.

[Lizzie9984]

Googy, I can totally relate, Angela was supposed to be born VBAC without any kind of intervention whatsoever---at least, that was the high-hopes plan for me in a sort of vaginal birth "right of passage" sense. I was dumbfounded and crushed that I actually managed to hit that less than 1% odds of having a uterine rupture, my scar was tearing apart little by little with each contraction.....Honestly, when I signed the c-section consent form, the words circling my mind were, "I didn't want to do this again, I'm such a f****** failure....." and I bawled the whole way into the OR. I could have tried for a VBAC in the OR, but considering the risks associated with a full-blown rupture....I'd decided I'd rather not risk bleeding to death, and keep my uterus. I figured if I could get the crappiest hand dealt with the rupture odds, the odds of complications probably weren't in my favor, either. I know the rupture wasn't my fault, the surgeon seemed to make it very clear that the last a-hole effed me up in there, but I still can't help but feel like a failure even a week post....Not feeling that as strongly as before, but still feeling it....I guess it'll go away in time, at least I know this time around I was treated much better than the last time. I'm sure the poor bedside manners I experianced last time contributed to not wanting another c-section just as much as anything else. I know I'll come to terms with my C, but it'll just take time.

[maisiedotes]

I can relate too. I badly wanted a drug-free, intervention-free birth but I also wanted Mairaed to be born when the perinatologist said she should be and to quit while I was ahead, so I went for an induction. I semi-regret it now because I think some of our BF issues stem from the induction... but the important thing is that we have healthy, beautiful babies in our arms. I think it is normal to mourn the ideal birth that we didn't get... but please forgive yourself. You did what was the best at the time. If, heaven forbid, something happened that jeopardized your child's health and safety it would be devastating.

[ComfyCozy]

You might see if your library has a book on post-traumatic stress disorder. I have one called I Just Can't Get Over It . Like Joanna said, there's nothing wrong with mourning a birth experience. It took me a good decade to get over having my firstborn at 27 weeks. I wish I had had some counseling way back when because I really acted out and made some bad choices in those first couple of years after her birth. An experienced local doula would probably be happy to lend you her ear over a few cups of coffee (or tea or whatever hot tasty beverage you like ).

to you again . Sometimes what we know in our head just does. not. compute. as far as our emotions are concerned.

[greenmountainmomma]

I'd second the pp -- my first childbirth experience was very traumatic for both me and my husband. Once it was over, everything was fine -- I had a beautiful, healthy baby and I was doing fine, but I could not stop thinking about the birth.

Aside from the fact that this was a childbirth experience, it sounds like a really scarry and traumatic event unto itself. Our brains do wierd things when we've experienced a traumatic event, whatever it might be. I didn't recognize this for what it was at the time, but I think I would have really benefited from counseling just to sort things out in my head and make peace with the experience.

Be gentle with yourself.

[Kontessa]

I am so sorry to hear you going through this. I agree with others, it was tramatic and even if it is not PP or PTSD, it is something and you should not have to battle this alone in the middle of the night.

I had trama with Tobys birth, and nothing like yours. I had a wonderful painless labor (just pressure) and when I finally agreed to go to the hospital (Hubby was not ok with a homebirth back then) I was at 7 and baby was born 20 minutes after with a horrible Dr who laughed at me because all of a sudden I freaked out (I had planned on an EPI as I did not think I could do it any other way) the Dr was an ass, I was out of control and never took a class for natural birthing. Last minute befor pushing it hit me to sing to help my breathing (I am a choir freak) and it helped. Still for MONTHS after the birth I was in shock about it and never wanted another baby and hospital scared the hell out of me. (Thus the homebirth this time, the Dr did nothing last time but laugh at me, put two bags of NOT need patocin in me, catch, and stick me up with no pain med at all) This birth healed me but I wonder if maybe I would not have failed breastfeeding Toby or gotten PPD if I had gotten help dealing with the birth trama.

We are here for you and KNOW you did all you could, it was out of your hands. You know it too, but again, as others said, there are steps you go through and one is Anger and you are blaming yourself. I hope that does pass fast.

We love you, please keep safe!

[chrysalis]

Originally Posted by thekimballs

I think you need to remove "probably" from that sentence in the first paragraph. Your experience and her position/situation are what make c-sections such an incredible blessing. Overused, undoubtedly, but in your case your daughter was sending very clear signals that she was not OK continuing through labor and you made exactly the right decision to consent to the section.

You are the OPPOSITE of a failure. You used your mama power to get a healthy baby out of your body and into your arms. You were faced with far more than most of us will ever face, and you negotiated it and brought a baby into the world.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with mourning a birth experience--every single one of mine, even though they were vaginal and unmedicated and generally great, has had elements that I have worked over like a tongue on a sore tooth, moving from shame to anger to acceptance. But I think you need to separate mourning the EXPERIENCE from mourning YOUR ROLE. You did PERFECTLY and have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. The birth did not *go* perfectly.

oh googy!!! :: i really feel for you. i can imagine what you are feeling. i didn't feel like i was grieving meghan's c-sec delivery so much but i'm sure i did as i wanted to birth her vaginally SO BADLY. and naturally. i gave in to nubaine, epidural...etc. (which left me feeling like a utter failure/wimp) and it was 26 hours of hellish labor. i didn't have a doula...i had an ex boyfriend who was a not so nice guy to me when not around others...my mom didn't show up to the hospital until 5pm and i'd called her at 3am in labor for a few hours...she said she'd be there that morning...she still denies to this day like i'm nuts or something...i wanted to homebirth and have a doula but that ex was so controlling and i let go of my sacred woman space. i had his grandparents sitting there watching and waiting pretty much the whole time...it was obscene. i was highly stressed out emotionally. finally i let them (after much fighting it...) do a csec when they said meghs' heartrate was accelerated and i was not dilating/progressing. i felt like such a joke, and i was so angry for them wanting to cut me open. i still feel sad that i didn't birth my megh vaginally...but...we are SO CLOSE and i wouldn't trade that for anything.

now w/ my sheamas, i did have a successful VBAC. i cannot believe it and i think there were definitely angels around us that day/night. i wound up w/ meconium in my AF as well, googy, and it was thick so the MW said lets go to the hosp. it was NOT my idea of birthing but you know, all i cared about at that point was baby being healthy and taken care of in the utmost way he could be. i was so impressed w/ the staff there...i actually wound up doing nubaine (i think that is what it was) and then epidural again as i can't stand labor pain and i was dilating so fast...it was intense. my MW surprised me when she suggested to me that i may want to consider some pain medication...for a split second i felt like WTF? but then i realized she is VERY intuitive and knew i needed some relief. since i couldn't go into a nice warm tub or anything like that, i said ok. and thank GOD the anesthesioligst was so good at what he did for me. for another split second i was regretting and feeling wimpy for taking these meds but you know what...i do NOT regret it. if it turned out to be a sucky epidural like my one w/ megh that eventually didn't hold enough, i'd feel worse about that i'm sure...i probably got the epi when i was in transition. i was getting so pissed and i was hurtin' for certain. the anesthesioligist did an awesome job and i was able to feel the urge and the baby moving down and crowning and all. i have yet to send him a card and a stuffed bear or something...i'm so impressed w/ his work. epi's truly are an art. and worth it if you ask me in certain circumstances. i think that pain medication and hospital births get poo poo'd too much by those who birth naturally/vaginally for good reasons, mostly...but in cases like ours, googy, i thank god for good hospitals and dr's and nurses. sheamas is fine, i am fine, the respiratory tech's and the pediatrician took sheamas right away and did so great w/ him. i didn't get to have megh cut the cord, it was cut immediately and he was taken to the warmer to be suctioned...they wanted to make sure the meconium was taken care of. thank god he didn't cry hard as that would not have been good. i feel so awesome having birthed my son vaginally but you know what...if i had had him suctioned as they were considering or ceserean again, i at that point was ok w/ it. i just wanted it over with and wanted him safe and healthy. i still can't believe it birthed him vaginally.

now...the reason i am sharing this with you is that i also had some very disapointing surprises w/ my labor as well. i NEVER would have thought meconium would change it all. but it did...this is the thing about planning natural labors and even vaginal IMHO. things DO often arise like they did for you and me, googy, and, often, that results in totally nulling the vag birth plan. i'm so lucky i had an OB willing to work w/ me. i also had my MW there the whole 11 hours and my mom and megh saw him born. i totally feel your grief. like thekimballs said, your c-sec was most necessary it sounds like and you did all you could humanly do for you and your baby. we are powerful but we don't have super powers. grieve, mama.......i still grieve my meghs' birth...but i also know that it is what it was and i have my beautiful dd here w/ me. not all csecs are uneccesary or bad calls. it sure sounds like both of ours were not in that percentage. hugs, mama.......if you ever need to vent/mourn please don't hesitate to PM me or post more on here. i completely know where you are coming from. it isn't YOU or your body that failed you or your baby...its these situations that arise that throw us for a loop and we are totally powerless over. doesn't sound like it is YOUR fault nor the hospitals. i hope this is coming out ok.......i dont' want to sound heartless as that is not my intention...my intention is to love you and hopefully make your heart feel better somewhat...... HUGS googy. love to you mama. cry all you need to...YOU are awesome. look what you went thru for that beautiful baby of yours..............THAT is awesome and powerful and strong in itself. i agree w/ greenmountainmama too, that it was a traumatic experience for you...and no wonder you are grieving this whole experience...it caught you off guard, as did for me when i saw the mec in my AF...and changed the whole course of my plan. its like my ex used to say to me "let go, give it up to your higher power...". i always would say back to him, "easier SAID than DONE!." its a PROCESS, not just some switch we can turn on and automatically feel healed immediately about. be gentle w/ yourself is right. cry if you need to...that will cleanse your heart/mind/soul. how is nursing going? does that give you any good feelings you can really hold onto?

[boogiemonster]

Originally Posted by thekimballs

I think you need to remove "probably" from that sentence in the first paragraph. Your experience and her position/situation are what make c-sections such an incredible blessing. Overused, undoubtedly, but in your case your daughter was sending very clear signals that she was not OK continuing through labor and you made exactly the right decision to consent to the section.

You are the OPPOSITE of a failure. You used your mama power to get a healthy baby out of your body and into your arms. You were faced with far more than most of us will ever face, and you negotiated it and brought a baby into the world.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with mourning a birth experience--every single one of mine, even though they were vaginal and unmedicated and generally great, has had elements that I have worked over like a tongue on a sore tooth, moving from shame to anger to acceptance. But I think you need to separate mourning the EXPERIENCE from mourning YOUR ROLE. You did PERFECTLY and have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. The birth did not *go* perfectly.

This is an amazing post and I can't add anything but wanted to offer some .

[melissakc]

Googy, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I had a traumatic birth experience with DD1 and I spent my entire pregnancy with DD2 dealing with it. One thing that really helped me was the wisdom in the book Birthing from Within. Pam England acknowledges that birth is a profound rite of passage. I totally disagree with the idea that you are supposed to be happy as long as you have a healthy baby, like what you said:

Originally Posted by Googy

i don't know why i'm so upset about this--i have a beautiful, healthy baby in my arms, and when it all comes down to it that's all that matters.

I heard that non-stop after DD1 was born, and it made me feel like crap, that I was this selfish, awful mother who had the gall to care about herself and her experience. That experience IS important. It's BIRTH! You have every right to be sad or angry or whatever you feel about how your birth occurred. I think that is the first step to recovery after a traumatic birth, giving yourself permission to grieve what you have lost and asking others to acknowledge that the birth experience is important for you--it's not just "all's well that ends well," KWIM? That's the same attitude that leads to interventions in so many hospital births--all that matters is a healthy baby, who cares what the experience is like for the mother....

Originally Posted by thekimballs

But I think you need to separate mourning the EXPERIENCE from mourning YOUR ROLE. You did PERFECTLY and have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. The birth did not *go* perfectly.

ITA with this.

Give it time and don't give up thinking about it and what you lost. What I mean is, don't suppress your feelings bc everyone around you is giving you messages that they don't matter. I wish my arms could reach you for a hug....

[Curlita]

I think what you are feeling is totally normal. I remember going through it with my first birth. Someone mentioned me delivering my son, and I actually corrected them and said that he wasn't delivered, he was removed. I realized when I said it that I was really not in a good spot about the birth. I don't know that there are any easy answers to getting over it. Talking about it with other people who have gone through it, or a birth professional, or counselor, helps. Time helps.

Sometimes I think that it is harder for those of us who really strive for natural family living because we are so conscious of the large number of unnecessary C-sections and so adamant about our birthing choices. There are a lot of women (A LOT) who would RATHER have a C-section, or who don't seem to mind the idea of a C-section. It's hard to cope when our choices are taken off the table. It's demoralizing to feel like one of the many C-section statistics.

I think to some extent we are always surprised or disappointed by unexpected elements in our labor and birthing... maybe it's a factor of being an overplanner, but even though I had my VBAC I still felt a little crusty about some of the details. It is the surprise factor that also makes it difficult. And it is obviously more difficult the further your birth deviates from what you'd hoped for.

I wish I had answers for you. I am confident that you will get over it in time and eventually really feel like it was your birth and, although not your choice, that it was the only way your baby was going to be born. I agree with Melissa, that you have EVERY RIGHT to mourn the experience that you thought you were going to have. It sounds like you made a valiant effort and did everything you could... it was just one of those times when modern medicine is really necessary.

Hope this helps a little... I made an altered book about my experience with my C-section that really helped me work through some of it. If I get a chance I will make some color copies or scans or something... it's not terribly profound, but it was good art therapy.

[Googy]

wow, ladies, thanks so much for all of your support and wrods of wisdom. they really mean a lot. you know, i was not thinking about this experience as a "trauma," but that's exactly what it was--even just having that word for it now helps a lot. thank you all so much.

[Grace24]

Googy... I know, I'm right there with ya... my therapist had to point out that I'd been through a trauma (and so had the baby!) I was laboring at home for 14 or so hours, aqua doula and all, when I crashed and begged my midwife for drugs (not that she had much but I didn't know what I was saying). For a while I felt weak for saying "I can't do this anymore", but it's what prompted her to check me when she did, discovering that baby was butt-first (he flipped around DURING labor). I realize now that I must've known something was wrong on some level.

Here's the thing... the reality is that most births proceed without complications, but some births need intervention. Women used to die in childbirth in situations like these... I said all along I was going to do everything I could to have a home waterbirth but if something went wrong, I'd be dang glad hospitals were invented. And I meant it. It's not my fault that the baby turned around and I had a C-section. Not any more than it's my fault on any level if I get the flu. It just happened.

It's amazing how hard we are on ourselves, especially when things like this are beyond our control! I hope you find some healing over this. You did everything right mama.

[Curlita]

Originally Posted by Grace24

I was laboring at home for 14 or so hours, aqua doula and all, when I crashed and begged my midwife for drugs (not that she had much but I didn't know what I was saying). For a while I felt weak for saying "I can't do this anymore", but it's what prompted her to check me when she did, discovering that baby was butt-first (he flipped around DURING labor).

This reminded me of something from my experience that may or may not be helpful...When Dylan had his first deceleration and they started talking about either doing a C-section OR turning off the pitocin, letting me rest, and then starting all over again, my chief reaction was that I did NOT want to start all over again. When he had the second deceleration, my midwife said that it was no longer negotiable, we would have to do a section. I was relieved that I wouldn't need to labor anymore. For months and months I felt guilty that my first reaction was relief.

When I had Conrad there were several points in the birth when some comment was made about meconium or positioning that actually made me think that I might need a C-section -- made me HOPE for one. Not because I really wanted a C-section, not because I am weak or a failure, but because labor is HARD and I am human. Who doesn't want to get out of labor if they have the choice? Especially in the midst of transition, when you don't feel like you can do it anymore.

So I don't know if that applies at all for you, but I know that one of the things that I had to work through about my section was that momentary feeling of relief that I wouldn't have to labor anymore.

[shelley4]

oh momma... i think it takes an exceptionally strong momma to go thru everything that you did, and then consent to the c-section, even though it's not the birth you've dreamed of... and all to make sure that your sweet babe was safe and healthy. that is something to be proud of!

hugs to you.

[anewmama]

Originally Posted by melissakc

I heard that non-stop after DD1 was born, and it made me feel like crap, that I was this selfish, awful mother who had the gall to care about herself and her experience. That experience IS important. It's BIRTH! You have every right to be sad or angry or whatever you feel about how your birth occurred. I think that is the first step to recovery after a traumatic birth, giving yourself permission to grieve what you have lost and asking others to acknowledge that the birth experience is important for you--it's not just "all's well that ends well," KWIM? That's the same attitude that leads to interventions in so many hospital births--all that matters is a healthy baby, who cares what the experience is like for the mother....

Thank you for posting this. I bought a book to start journaling my DD's first years and I got halfway through her birth story and then stopped. I was in tears and this was about 4 months ago. Because I could not continue, I have not written anything about her first months. Some of what people told me is what you posted... "you have a beautiful girl and that is all that matters."

I spent time reading books about birth and even though I was doing a hospital birth, it was in a Baby Friendly Hospital (what do they call them?) and I had hired a doula. I was going to stay home as much as possible. I took birthing classes and was hoping to go medication free.

My labour started on a Friday night and after 2 days of prodomial labour, it finally became the real thing. I went into the hospital with contractions about 2-3 minutes apart but by the time I got there and to the room, the contractions were about a minute apart. The moment my baby's heartbeat was checked, things were in crisis. Her heartbeat was plummeting and sky rocketing and later, DH said at times barely registered. My OB was called in (luckily she was also on call that night or I would have gotten a strange doctor), and they tried everything to get a better heartbeat reading including putting a finger monitor on me, later a monitor on the baby's head, having me change positions, stand up, etc. Two hours later, I was at 6 cm dilated and even though I was getting the urge to push, my baby was still having heart rate problems. I was not totally aware of how much as they were somewhat quiet about it, including DH, but I could sense the tension. After 2.5 hours, the OB came in and said we need to come up with another plan and I knew she meant c-section. By then, I was in so much pain and was wanting an epidural and then with that news, I just said go ahead.

My DD had the cord wrapped around her neck VERY tightly and it was over her head and was short.

I am still stunned that I had a c-section. I thought I did everything to avoid it. And I feel selfish for grieving what I missed. I feel like the doula ended up being a bad choice as she turned out to be MUCH too wimpy and non-committal in the process. She tried so hard to take the middle ground that it left me feeling like I had little support. To this day, she wasn't able to say whether she thought the c-section was necessary. And although I trust my OB and feel she is a strong female advocate, I will always carry this little bit of distrust simply because of all the negative stuff I feel have been directed towards OB's in birthing literature. That makes me feel even worse.

To the OP, I don't have much to offer other than my story and hugs. I am not sure how to deal with it either so I just ignore it and anytime I feel bad or think about it, just look at my daughter. And remember a story my DH told me about a co-worker whose baby was brain damaged as a result of being wrapped up by the cord and who died shortly after birth. I AM lucky. But then I wonder if I had refused the c-section, maybe the birth would have been ok despite my baby's distress? Babies are often born with the cord around the neck, why would mine have been any different?

It is SO hard .... we know we did the right thing for the time but only later do we have the luxury of second guessing. At the time, I was just filled with terror as I had not even imagined that my baby could die in birth. That terror made me want to do anything to get her out safely. It's only later that the doubt creeps in.

It's so hard.... And the truth is even though what the PP said above is true, it is also just as true that all that counts is you have a beautiful baby. The hard part is holding BOTH truths in your heart and hands at the same time. And also holding both truths that you made the best choices you could have when the birth was having problems just as your choice to try for a natural birth was the best choice you could have made at the time as well.

[monocyte]

pm'ing you.

[Momma Aimee]

more later

but FWIW -- I did not recover from Theo's birth untill Charles' awsome birth



I will post more later

HUGS to you

Aimee

[brooklyn_warbler]

oh my dear mama. first off, i think you are amazing. i also think what you are feeling is 100% normal and the most important thing is to give yourself the time and space to grieve -- without feeling guilt about it.

so many amazing points have been made here, and i'm especially glad melissa made her point. i won't repeat everyone, but i am sending so much love!!