Anyone having DP issues?

[maisiedotes]

I am ready to frigging paste DH. I am sorry- he is a great guy but totally helpless. I am afraid to leave Mairaed alone with him because he will run around trying to figure out why she is crying but it will not occur to him that maybe she needs her diaper changed. He has gotten into the habit of, when she is crying, saying to me "what is wrong with Mairaed?" even if he is holding her. I say "did you check her diaper?" and he hands her to me. Maybe since I spend more time with her I am more used to her cries and stuff... but man oh man. For some reason I feel bad if I ask him to get up with her in the middle of the night. He tries but DANG. I keep telling him "I like to change her diaper BEFORE she eats because it wakes her up. If you change her after she eats, she will be wide awake and cranky and will not take a nap." He refuses to hear me. If he get up with her to feed her at night so I can rest, he feeds her half and hands her off to me so I can finish. I love her and will do anything for her but he is doing everything half-assed. I just want to rest a bit because I get NO sleep during the day.

And another thing! He is online AND hogging the TV constantly. How can he watch TV AND check his emails at the same time?

Thanks- I am cranky and grouchy and just needed to spew.

[ComfyCozy]

[De-lovely]

Sorry mama.....have you tried talking to him when its not actually in the moment? Big !

[chubbycheeks]

Thinking of you Mama. My Dh is somewhat on the same page, he has no patience for newborns and the fussiness and can't seem to ever manage to figure out what could be the cause of the fussiness (or maybe he just doesn't try. . ) Love him to death but I can ID with you. Thankfully my DH seems to get better as the kids get older.. once they hit like 2 he great, but up till then it's pretty much all me.

[chrysalis]

oh sweet mama...i don't know WHAT to say. you know me, i'm w/out a DP at this point...and happily i might add. i personally just can't stand when any man that claims to love me or my/our DC acts in this manner. it really upsets me greatly...

so i feel for you and i know where you are coming from. i'm so sorry. i would say try what de-lovely suggested...talk w/ DP not in the heat of the moment and see where that goes...? is this his first baby too? he could be in shock and maybe going thru some denial? he is probably adjusting to daddyhood...even so, i agree he needs to step up to the plate and help you some more as you are so tired and needing all the help you can get. he probably doesn't know how to 'fix' it for you or mairead when she is crying or fussy...you know how john gray from 'men are from mars/women are from venus' says about men and fixing things...if they feel they can't fix it, they retreat...so they just throw their hands up so to speak and does something else or says something in ignorance...not all but many men are this way...and then leaves it to you...which he probably sees as more of a natural/expert then himself. i think this is the way boys are raised...our society makes them often into such uncaring selfish men-even when they truly have sweet hearts w/in... i have tried so many times to uncover and keep that light shining in so many men only to be left out in the dark w/out them refusing to change permanently. i am probably not helping here. i'm sorry............................i'm trying here......

i personally had a real hard time asking for what i needed from my ex...and many ex's before him. i was afraid they'd get mad at me for requesting more of them...and i didn't like having to ask. i wanted it to just happen from their hearts...i felt this especially w/ meghs' bio father and sheamas' bio father too. in my pg, for instance, i was SO exhausted and felt so sick and overwhelmed. he didn't understand that it wasn't just a one moment thing, it was a daily thing and i had to remind him i'm STILL not doing well...i NEED more help w/ megh or making dinner or to get me something to drink or massage my feet (which he refused to do) or whatever...i felt ill over having to ask for it...instead of him helping just because he felt my need for it. this is what i don't like about most men. i hope i raise my son to be different than this...to be empathetic and more in tune w/ a woman/women he will love someday...

i hope i'm helping. i'm probably not. i'm horrible in relating w/ men. or maybe i just picked the wrong guys...that is most likely it. i'm not perfect either but oh it can be so tough and upsetting, i know... i'd say try talking w/ him or write him a letter expressing what you need from him and how you appreciate him working, etc. and all he does already, then ask for moreso. see if that helps? for me it only temporarily helpd, then it was like tom forgot my request wasn't momentary, it was permanent. or maybe try some counseling w/ DP. after all, this IS a huge new step in your relationship and in both of your lives...

would love to see an updated pic of your sweetie girl....she is so pretty!!! hang in there. LOVE and HUGS.

[sorteep]

first off, hugs and sympathy

second just some thoughts on men (i am not defending or giving him an excuse for bad behavior) i have just learned over the yrs.... and thru 1 failed marriage..

men are delicate , insecure creatures... w/o meaning to, we moms make this worse by being critical (however gently and w/o meanung to..) of their care of babe makes them run scared and "not help".. i had to train my dh to be a stay at home dad (having no prior baby experience).. to ds2 who was beyond hi needs... here's what worked for mo ... ONLY praise for any and all efforts, however tiny or even not helpful.. and NEVER redo something they just did,, diaper, clothes etc... short of something that could actually harm the baby... dad's effortss have to be encouraged... once they get past the deer in the headlights stage you can start gently suggesting "ways" to do things.. like// hey i just figured out that when you put the dipe on "this" way (ie frontwards not backwards!!) it leaks less, what do you think?? thi will subtly shape their ways.. sounds like training a dog.... wellll...... maybe!!

also verbally telling him how helpful it was that hepicked baby up to hand to you for dipe chg (no sarcasm allowed...) rather than laying into him for not chg the dipe.. eventually he will do more and more so as to get more pos feedbk and boost his ever fragile self esteem

men feel like it is not ok to not be good at something... again their egos are delicate..

i don't know your dh but this system has worked for me.. i just did not think i would have to redo it for this one, nbut alas, after 7 yrs he forgot everything...

one other thing some guys do is to subconsciously or consciously do a crappy job so you get frustrated and do it all yourself..thus getting him out of the work.. teens do this tooo... sooo short circuit by saying thanks great job... he'll start doing a better job fast when he gets that doing a crappy one doesn't get him out of it

they mean well, just are often scared and insecure with baby care.. hugs, it will get better..esp as babe gets older//hugs

[chubbycheeks]

Laura that is some great advice! Seems quite true over here, I'll have to try some of your suggestions.

[boogiemonster]

ITA with Laura's entire post.

My DH was hopeless when DD1 was a babe. Hopeless...

One thing that helped (and made me hate him a little less) was to put him solely in charge of a few things. For us, it was her bath. I just removed myself from the situation entirely and let him have full control (oh, except when he would leave her in the bathtub alone to check the hockey score on the TV in the next room ). I wish I had started this even earlier. He knew it was his job, I didn't have to constantly be asking him to do it, he became the household "expert" and didn't need to ask questions, and I got a few minutes to myself each day. The bathtimes got longer and longer as they developed more and more of their own special games and routines. I know it's early for games and such with your DD, but it may help for a few of the childcare duties to be his job alone.

HTH!!!

[Curlita]

What Laura said. Especially the part about not undoing when hubby has done... it's SO hard not to, sometimes, especially when it comes to matching clothing.

One thing that I noticed with our first was that my husband HAD to develop all the daddy skills because I had a C-section. I couldn't even really get up and pick my baby up. Dylan was 11 days old before I changed his diaper for the first time. Jonny had to do all the baby care and he developed confidence in how to do it.

You mentioned that you were going to work for a shift a week or so back -- have you left your husband alone for any length of time with Mairaed? Because the sink-or-swim experience could really help him. And if you aren't there, then he might not feel as self-conscious about his efforts. He may just need to develop confidence in his skills.

That way he could learn on his own WHY you don't want to change a baby AFTER the feeding. After all, most of this stuff we have learned from experience, not because it's coded on our genetic DNA.

[oskie]

As usual, everybody here gives great advice.

DH might not do things the same way I would, but if we're going to coparent effectively, he really needs to figure out how things work and he can only learn that by trying on his own. It's hard listening to James cry when DH is trying to learn how to soothe him, but I think it's important that we both know how to help DS out. Most times, DH does figure out if the fussiness means "dirty diaper" or "need to burp", and if necessary, I'm around with the "magic boobies" to solve any other problems.

Plus, I need somebody around me to help whose hormones aren't on a roller coaster. It's better for me and the baby that way.

[maisiedotes]

Thank you all! I have a great DH- he is just new to all this I guess. I babysat for a loooonnnng time and had 2 much younger sisters to practice with, plus my motherly instinct- he had none of that. Plus I am with her all day every day so I have more practice that way too...

[sorteep]

seriously.. when i 1st went back to work after ds2 (he is dh's 1st).. i would come home and evan would have his clothes and or diaper on backwards, house was bombstruck and they were both crying inconsolably..i wuld never criticise (i think i bit my tongue off) and it got better to te point that he did it better than me!!