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Pissed off... - Page 2

post #21 of 30
Honestly, I don't see the big upset over her mother getting her an ornament every year. A lot of people do that for their kids, so you didn't corner the market on that certain tradition. Heck, MY mother does it for my kids, as do we. I just figure that when they are grown, there will be more ornaments to give them for their own trees.

However, I see why you would be bugged over that one ornament, considering the history I have read about your situation. I am sorry things are that way with SD's mother. It is sad.

But I wonder if it is best, IMO, like the other poster said, to let it go.
post #22 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
the same. Most people who were children of a split family will tell you this is true.
I won't speak for "most", but it is true of my two. When they're with their Dad and refer to returning to his place from an outing with him/the family, yes they say they're "going home" as that's Dad's home. But both feel that this is their home. Not because it is with *me*, but because it is where they live the vast majority of the time, where their stuff is, their friends, their pets, their schools. It's where their lives are.

I can understand that their Dad may not like that much. But... a place where you spend less than a month a year really can't be expected to feel like "home".
post #23 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by courtenay_e View Post
How do you respond? Like the adult in the situation. "Wow! It sounds beautiful!" You don't respond in anger to the child, she's done nothing wrong. You don't show the mother that you're annoyed, because if that was what she was shooting for, well then, she knows that she's accomplished it. From the point of veiw of the CHILD in the situation (for years and years and years...)? Do nothing but be positive. You are SO GLAD that she likes the tradition enough that she has asked her mother to participate. You are SO HAPPY that she LOVES the ornament her mother has chosen. You are excited for her to open the one from her father and you, as well. and, WOW, isn't her tree going to be BEAUTIFUL when she's a grownup and has one of her own, with allll those ornaments that she'll have gotten through the years?!

And leave it at that.

Honestly, it doesn't matter what WE think, or the mother thinks, about where the child's home SHOULD be. She occupies both homes, and it's your job to make it as comfortable for HER as possible. She didn't choose this situation...and is excited about her ornaments, as she should be!
post #24 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post
I won't speak for "most", but it is true of my two. When they're with their Dad and refer to returning to his place from an outing with him/the family, yes they say they're "going home" as that's Dad's home. But both feel that this is their home. Not because it is with *me*, but because it is where they live the vast majority of the time, where their stuff is, their friends, their pets, their schools. It's where their lives are.

I can understand that their Dad may not like that much. But... a place where you spend less than a month a year really can't be expected to feel like "home".
I agree, when I was at my dad's house for the summer, when I was over a friends and needed to get going for dinner I would say I have to go home, as in to my dad's house. It was never my home though, my mom's home was my home as that where I lived the bigger part of the time.
post #25 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
It's funny that you would assume that you know what my stepdaughter thinks of this home or that home, when you don't even know me or her. Given what her Mother feeds her, I'm surprised that she sees her Dad or her Dad's family as any kind of family, BUT, my stepdaughter, although she will sometimes tell us it's hard switching between homes, thinks of both homes as "home". If she needs to specify which one, she says, "Home with Mommy" or "Home with Daddy and Krissy", but they are both "home" to her. And the ornament does have to do with real family- if you knew all that my stpedaughter's Mother tells her to try to turn her against us, you would know that, but I'm not gonna sit her and write down example after example of how her Mother tries to make us look like we're nothing to my stepdaughter, that there's something wrong with my stepdaughter for wanting to come to our house when it's time. She should not be made to feel like she is only allowed to love one home, one parent, but she is.
I never said I know your stepdaughter. The problem is not the ornament or what it says, its the situation with her mother obviously.

This is an internet board, of course I don't know you or your stepdaughter, but I have read other posts about your situation. I just don't think that the ornament is a big deal and you you should not give her (sd's mom) the satisfaction of getting upset by it.

Your stepdaughter is getting it and the older she gets the more she will see what her mother is doing and she will not ultimately be swayed by it, if anything she will resent her mother because of it. It sounds like you have a good relationship with her (dsd) and that you are being the bigger person (you and her dad) in the situation and trust me, she will figure it all out, you don't have to do anything but continue what you are doing. Loving her, being a good role model, not badmouthing her mom, making her feel welcome in your home.
post #26 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by courtenay_e View Post
How do you respond? Like the adult in the situation. "Wow! It sounds beautiful!" You don't respond in anger to the child, she's done nothing wrong. You don't show the mother that you're annoyed, because if that was what she was shooting for, well then, she knows that she's accomplished it. From the point of veiw of the CHILD in the situation (for years and years and years...)? Do nothing but be positive. You are SO GLAD that she likes the tradition enough that she has asked her mother to participate. You are SO HAPPY that she LOVES the ornament her mother has chosen. You are excited for her to open the one from her father and you, as well. and, WOW, isn't her tree going to be BEAUTIFUL when she's a grownup and has one of her own, with allll those ornaments that she'll have gotten through the years?!

And leave it at that.

Honestly, it doesn't matter what WE think, or the mother thinks, about where the child's home SHOULD be. She occupies both homes, and it's your job to make it as comfortable for HER as possible. She didn't choose this situation...and is excited about her ornaments, as she should be!
:


eta - On the subject of two homes, we have had that struggle too, both where DD referred to my house as home only, and her dad's as 'Dad's.' Then we started saying 'mama's house' and 'dada's house'... but noticed she wasn't included in that. Now we talk about her two houses, what other kids have two houses, and we call them by the street names. That works really well. She is primarily at my house but I see no reason to try to corner the market on 'home,' I want her to know she is home at either place.

So I think the mama is being really petty and power struggly here with the OP. But ITA with courtenay that the proper response is not to power struggle back with the mama via the child (as getting another ornament with a contradictory message would do). Just let it go, be the bigger person, and do what you can do not to put the child in the middle of adult issues.
post #27 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by courtenay_e View Post
How do you respond? Like the adult in the situation. "Wow! It sounds beautiful!" You don't respond in anger to the child, she's done nothing wrong. You don't show the mother that you're annoyed, because if that was what she was shooting for, well then, she knows that she's accomplished it. From the point of veiw of the CHILD in the situation (for years and years and years...)? Do nothing but be positive. You are SO GLAD that she likes the tradition enough that she has asked her mother to participate. You are SO HAPPY that she LOVES the ornament her mother has chosen. You are excited for her to open the one from her father and you, as well. and, WOW, isn't her tree going to be BEAUTIFUL when she's a grownup and has one of her own, with allll those ornaments that she'll have gotten through the years?!

And leave it at that.

Honestly, it doesn't matter what WE think, or the mother thinks, about where the child's home SHOULD be. She occupies both homes, and it's your job to make it as comfortable for HER as possible. She didn't choose this situation...and is excited about her ornaments, as she should be!
What a graceful response.

I have to wonder what exactly the OP would hope to accomplish by ripping into the SD's mother. It seems to me, given the context of the situation, that it would only serve to make the mother extremely happy that her little plan 'worked' and upset the step-mother tremendously. Dang if I'd let her know I was upset over an ornament.
post #28 of 30
I would be beyond annoyed. It does seem passive-aggressive on the mothers part based on how the OP described the situation. But really what can you do?

It's not fair to the SD to have to listen to this argument. I doubt she is reading into the situation as much as the OP is. To her, it is likely nothing more than a nice ornament her mother gave her as a loving gesture, like the ornaments she gets from her Dad and DSM.

Let her enjoy it and just leave it be. Because anything you do or say is going to likely end up looking petty on your part. And the mom can just come back with "All I did was give my daughter a nice ornament and look, you are making a fight out of it" (or something along those lines) And in a way, that's exactly what it would look like, even though that may just be the reaction she's looking for. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

FWIW my DSD enjoys coming to our house, but her moms house is her "home". I think she views our house as the fun place where she gets to stay up late, eat different foods, not have any chore, and see her baby sister. I think our house is more "fun" for her, and she knows she is ALWAYS welcome. But her moms house is "home" to her.
post #29 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
I would bet that most kids from blended families would tell you that the custodial home is their home. Whether its mom's or dad's.

Its not a bad things for the kids to have one place to call home, kids in split custody situations typically have a hard time and don't feel like either parent's home is home, but that its mom's house and dad's house.

I have never heard one child, teenager or adult from a situation where there is a custodial home and a non-custodial home (the home they visit every weekend) call the NCH home. Its home and NCP'c house.
Well, come meet dss. He has always insisted that his mother's house is also his home, even when she lived 300 miles away and he had never even been there. And, that's ok with us. It makes him feel good. If you ask him his address, he'll give you two. If you ask him his phone number, he'll give you two. It has been especially important to him, now that his mother has other children, that he doesn't feel like a "visitor" in his mother's home. We respect that. We say, "when you go home to your mom's" or "when you come home here" even though we have custody.

In regards to the ornament, that does seem so calculated. Think of all the hundreds of other ornaments available! Just take the high road.
post #30 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flor View Post
In regards to the ornament, that does seem so calculated. Think of all the hundreds of other ornaments available! Just take the high road.
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