Donor ethics question--what would you do?

[Hulahoop]

I just discovered that a new donor I'm considering also donated at a different bank the year before, and lied about it (at the current bank I use, they ask if a donor has ever donated sperm before, and he answered "No"). Yesterday i was looking at a different sperm bank's donor list and happened to read his profile there. It's very obvious from his answers that it's the same guy: Physical characteristics all the same, hobbies, education, career, answers about his life philosophy. There's no doubt about it.

Lying isn't genetic, but it skeeves me out a little. And on a less self-involved level, I'm wondering if I should alert both sperm banks?

[Maluhia]

I would tell.

[AngelaM]

I would alert the banks, though I doubt there's much they can/will do. If you feel comfortable doing so, I might post the donor info here and on any other queer parenting sites you post at- this seems like a more likely way to actually spread information to the people who might want it.

And in terms of using him, unless there's something really compelling and unique about him, I might consider switching. After all, if he lied about one thing, who knows what else might or might not be true?

Good luck...

[Hulahoop]

Yes, ironically, i was looking at this guy cause my sperm bank said he has one of the highest sperm counts of all their donors. (and the other sperm bank backed it up). That's the irony....i had thought we'd finally found our super-sperm guy, so am really bummed about this discovery.

[AngelaM]

You know, this process is never going to be perfect, and the truth is, you don't ever actually have to meet this person, like them, have them over for dinner, whatever. You just have to get pregnant. And if you feel like this is the donor to get you there, and you feel okay about the rest of the information he provided, go for it.

After m/c'ing after my first attempt, I spent four cycles inseminating with two donors who seemed like the greatest people in the world- smart, kind, funny, honest, good people. Both of them had low counts though, and eventually I switched to the one who had been our least-favorite of the short-listed candidates, but who had extremely high numbers. That's what got me pregnant.

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here. Just follow your gut, and trust that you're gonna get the kid you're meant to have, you know?

[Hulahoop]

it's funny....AngelaM, your posts about high sperm counts finally getting you pregnant are what inspired me to call my bank to find out their "top producers"! Honestly, i am tempted to go ahead and use this guy, cause it's been four tries, and I feel like, other than timing, sperm count is really the only factor to "fix": all my levels are good (got the bloodwork done), i ovulate, my ultrasounds have shown mature follicles, my cycles are totally regular, etc. I feel like i've had a similar journey to you. We've also tried two wonderful donors (twice each time) that had decent counts and looked perfect, but didn't work. And dammit, we just need to get pregnant, and the rest we can do when we raise the kid, right? But I feel a little guilty about not reporting it or whatever....

[JennM1021]

You're right though...it's all about how you raise the kid. If you teach them to be honest and try to do the right thing...that's what's important.

I was thinking...is it possible that your donor is showing up in this other banks files because he has switched donating from one to the other? I'm sure you have a long profile similar to the one I got from PRS...and my donor also said he had not donanted before. That was over a year ago though...so he possibly could started donating at a different bank by now. They quarantine the sperm so long...it's possible he is no longer a current donor at the first one but they have plenty of his "stuff" left. Don't know...just a thought. I guess I always try to see the good in people. I'm a sucker.

[AngelaM]

Originally Posted by JennM1021

You're right though...it's all about how you raise the kid. If you teach them to be honest and try to do the right thing...that's what's important.

I was thinking...is it possible that your donor is showing up in this other banks files because he has switched donating from one to the other? I'm sure you have a long profile similar to the one I got from PRS...and my donor also said he had not donanted before. That was over a year ago though...so he possibly could started donating at a different bank by now. They quarantine the sperm so long...it's possible he is no longer a current donor at the first one but they have plenty of his "stuff" left. Don't know...just a thought. I guess I always try to see the good in people. I'm a sucker.

It's so true... honesty is NOT a genetic trait! And Jenn's point is good too- sometimes they just don't update the paperwork very regularly... But even if he did lie, he probably did it because he thought it would disqualify him. The truth is, I don't think we ever know what we're getting with donor sperm, and honestly, most babies born this way turn out to be 100% fine. If you want use this guy and you feel good about it, I say do it. Because I totally hear you on everything else being just fine. Sometimes it really does take that secret ingredient...

(And, if you're really feeling badly, you can always tell the bank *after* you get pregnant...)

[Hulahoop]

thanks, you guys!

yeah, for what it's worth, i don't think it could be a matter of updating sperm bank records. he donated to the "other" bank in 2006, and started donating to "my" bank in 2007, and that's the one that asked if he had EVER donated before. even if the vials were gone or whatever, he still lied about having donated.

but i think the most salient point--and the one you both make--is that we never really know what we're getting anyway. i just happened to luck (if you can call it that) upon this issue. who knows about all the other issues i just don't know about!

thanks again.

[JennM1021]

I think if we start worrying about all the things we DON'T know about these guys...we'll just freak ourselves out even more. We have enough to stress about!! I just try to think about the fact that these guys...especially the ones who go to lesbian centered facilities...are are doing a really good thing. I mean...yeah...they get paid...but I'd like to think that a lot of them really do want to help out families who need it. Again...there I go with my naivety.

[thismama]

Yeah, ITA with the 'don't worry about it' crew.

[frog]

Originally Posted by JennM1021

I think if we start worrying about all the things we DON'T know about these guys...we'll just freak ourselves out even more.

Amen.

[gamitzer]

Originally Posted by JennM1021

I just try to think about the fact that these guys...especially the ones who go to lesbian centered facilities...are are doing a really good thing. I mean...yeah...they get paid...but I'd like to think that a lot of them really do want to help out families who need it. Again...there I go with my naivety.

I agree with the don't worry about it crew also, but just wanted to mention that our donor definitely donated for the money. We have his audio interview and at the end they ask him why he donated and he said he knew he was probably supposed to say something about the importance of life and the goodness of giving, but really, he had student loans and needed money. At least he was honest about it, I suppose.

I think the fact that your donor may have gone to multiple banks is ok, but that may affect how many children are born of the donor's sperm. In our case, we were hoping for a short list of half-sibs and were happy when our bank said the donor was done. Of course, he has since started donating again, so there are no guarantees. Ah well.

[lexbeach]

Originally Posted by gamitzer

I think the fact that your donor may have gone to multiple banks is ok, but that may affect how many children are born of the donor's sperm.

This is the only part that I find potentially concerning. Our donor (who only donated to one bank, as far as I know) donated sperm to perhaps as many as 30 families (this despite the "10 families 'rule'") just at the one bank. I would wonder about numbers of donor siblings if a donor had donated at two banks (not that there's necessarily anything wrong with having dozens of donor siblings, but for some people this would be an issue). We've found 22 donor siblings so far, and at times it does make me feel a little :.

Lex

[lanamommyphd07]

here's a thought--could register on the donor sibling registry and check out the donor number--see if there's any sibs yet and what's come out of it--there also might be extra vials for sale cheaper there, too. I found out my donor did two series of donations, one in the 90s and again recently until he aged out. While on DSR I've read some stories about banks selling their stock and whatnot. Something to consider is that not all pregnancies are reported, and not all numbers are going to match up anyway. We run the risk of 30 kids or more out there, but if our kids know they're donor-kids, then they know in the future to check that out with future mates. I can't think of any other reason to fear the great numbers of sibs.

[lexbeach]

Originally Posted by lanamommyphd07

We run the risk of 30 kids or more out there, but if our kids know they're donor-kids, then they know in the future to check that out with future mates. I can't think of any other reason to fear the great numbers of sibs.

I think the "risk" is more like 100 donor siblings, at least for us (seeing as we've found 22 just from those who have registered with the DSR). I don't worry about it that much, but I know that it is something that matters to some families.

Lex