Tell her parents or not? - Page 2

[kate3]

I believe teens become adults way earlier than we currently think.

There is actually a large amount of recent neuroscience research to the contrary. There is still frontal lobe brain development and mylenation well into the early twenties, and the frontal lobe is responsible for emotion regulation and judgment (both of which are central in decision making). Because of this, adolescence (as a developmental stage) has now been extended to 22, and some say up to 25.

Children are not miniature adults

This is very true. Lawrence Steinberg does research on adolescents and cognition, brain development, judgment, risk taking. He has some fascinating articles that do a great job of examining adolescent behavior.

[mclisa]

I wouldn't say anything. I would have a long, long, long talk with him about it though. Something to drill in his head about the long term consequences of having a baby.

[elspethshimon]

Personally, I would not even want to be told. If I was concerned that my teenager was learning about birth control/sex from someone else's parents, then I would take it upon myself to start educating them regardless of what they may be doing. Thankfully, my partner and I have already agreed upon what we tell our children at certain ages and it is all pretty child led and sex positive with healthy precautions so I sincerely hope that it's never an issue.

[ank220]

Yes, I would tell... but it looks like I have very different views on what constitutes healthy sexual relationships, responsibility, and maturity. If my dc was having sexual relations of any type with anyone - regardless of age or consent - I would want to know immediately.

[nolonger]

A bit OT, but I wanted to emphasize that the time to talk to your children about sexual responsibility is BEFORE they become active. I could talk to ds about ANYTHING when he was twelve, but both kids were too embarassed to discuss such matters with me when they were closer to becoming active. ds and I just had a very nice heart-to-heart about his recently ended first real relationship and I was quite pleased to find out how much had sunk in and that he had followed through with.

Neither of my children have ever put themselves or their partners at unnecessary risk of STDs or unplanned pregnancies and, to my surprise and delight, both of them waited until they had meaningful, significant, well-established, long-term relationships.

In contrast, I got drunk one night and thought that having sex with someone I didn't know would make me feel "more grown up" and the only thing that really attracted me to the guy was the fact that a 20 year old wanted to have sex with me on my fourteenth birthday.

I saw him around occaisionally after that, but he never spoke to me and I never spoke to him.

The current unborn was conceived via artifical insemination; I have been celibate for longer than any of you would believe even if I did feel comfortable telling you; I am hardly a paragon of a "sex positive" parent, but this is one minefield of parenthood that I feel I have navigated very successfully.

Please don't automatically assume that your children's partner's parents have done the same. If they can't trust their own parents to come through for them in a crisis, then you may well be the only adult they have left to turn to. If they can't trust you, then they may have no one at all and that is a terrifying place for any child to be.

One of my son's friends scared me half to death by saying that he would rather take his chances with STDs than deal with the fallout of having his parents find a condom in his pocket. The best I could do was to make sure he knows that he can come knock on my door at any hour of the day or night to "use my bathroom", which is always well stocked with condoms. I can only hope that he will take me up on my offer if he ever needs to.

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by Jeanne D'Arc

I believe teens become adults way earlier than we currently think. I am okay with a sexually active teen as long as they understand its implications, and along with sex comes adult responsibility. No i would not tell but i would expect my teen who is sexually active, if they can do a grown up activity they can act like a grown up. That means taking responsibility for their reproductive health, ie birth control, having a job in case of an accident etc. I do not believe in babying teens in the least bit, i think it does them a great disservice.

I agree so so much.

Although not exactly re: having a job in case of an accidental pregnancy . . . I think there are lots of reasons they should have a job at that age, and the potential desire to start a family young is only one small reason.

I would definitely NOT tattle on my child's partner. I think that's awful.

[chiromamma]

I was sexually active at 15. And I think it was way too young. I will counsel my kids to re-think becoming sexually active so young.
I remember my boyfriend's parents finding out and the dad made it clear that they felt we were too young and we should re-think it. He pointed out that sex was sacred, a deep expression of love. Not the "every sperm is sacred" angle, which is what MY parents would have said.
They never told my folks but the boy and I did break up a few months later.
I look back and the dad was right.
I can't even remember the guy's name.

[Jeanne D'Arc]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by kate3

There is actually a large amount of recent neuroscience research to the contrary. There is still frontal lobe brain development and mylenation well into the early twenties, and the frontal lobe is responsible for emotion regulation and judgment (both of which are central in decision making). Because of this, adolescence (as a developmental stage) has now been extended to 22, and some say up to 25.

*
I am fully aware of this research however, i question it because

1. We live in such an extremly toxic world that has extremely distorted and
damaged our bodies, and has profound abnormal affects on maturing.
Diet, deficiency, and pollution also have multi-generational degenerating
effects on the brain, puberty, skeletal formation and structure, and
pretty much the whole body.

and

2. After studying native philosophies on lifestyle, reproduction and
famly, makes me question how modern science interprets these
things and what we as adults discern as true adulthood.


*the smilie is to show that I am not angry or arguing as i know
it is hard to distinguish tone in ones posts.

[sadean]

I would not tell, even if I could be assured of the response. I am not going to interfere with another family's relationships, and put my child's partner at potential risk. But I hope that my children choose partners who have good relationships with their parents and that everyone can be open about what is going on.

I was in a serious relationship when I was 15 w/ my 17 yo old boyfriend. My mother knew I was sexually active with him. I got little "moral guidance" or help in navigating a complicated relationship from her, and we didn't talk about it. I took care of my own sexual and emotional health needs. But she didn't disapprove and I am sure she didn't tell my BF parents. I frequently went and stayed with him for weeks at a time during the summer (we went to private school together and his family lived in OH and my family lived in MI). We even went to Florida together on vacation when I was 16 OR 17 yo. We always had separate bedrooms, but that never stopped us. I don't know whether his parents ever knew (but I cannot imagine that they didn't...they were not stupid people). Overall it just wasn't talked about.

I hope that my children feel that they can be more open with me, because there were things that I needed guidance on, but I didn't have anyone to talk to about it.

[SugarAndSun]

Originally Posted by Jeanne D'Arc

I believe teens become adults way earlier than we currently think. I am okay with a sexually active teen as long as they understand its implications, and along with sex comes adult responsibility. No i would not tell but i would expect my teen who is sexually active, if they can do a grown up activity they can act like a grown up. That means taking responsibility for their reproductive health, ie birth control, having a job in case of an accident etc. I do not believe in babying teens in the least bit, i think it does them a great disservice.

Huh? This sounds crazy to me. A 15 year old would not even be able to take care of a child. In my state he/she couldn't even work full time.

[Stinkerbell]

Originally Posted by Jeanne D'Arc

I believe teens become adults way earlier than we currently think. I am okay with a sexually active teen as long as they understand its implications, and along with sex comes adult responsibility. No i would not tell but i would expect my teen who is sexually active, if they can do a grown up activity they can act like a grown up. That means taking responsibility for their reproductive health, ie birth control, having a job in case of an accident etc. I do not believe in babying teens in the least bit, i think it does them a great disservice.

Since you quoted my post I just wanted to respond

I agree about having big responsibilities and that was sort of my point: It is not my responsibility to lead a sex-ed lesson with someone else's minor. I would really, really be furious if another parent did more than have a casual, non intimate chat about it with MY child. So, to go back to the OP, you are saying that by choosing not to tell the girl's parents, you would assume that role of educator and fascillitator of birth control and STD control options?

I just find that a gross disrespect to another parent. I'd just be so unhappy if someone did that with my child.

Knowing the child is in a home or family who will not respond well is different. If you know you are choosing between 2 "evils", it's a different story.

[Jeanne D'Arc]

Originally Posted by Stinkerbell

Since you quoted my post I just wanted to respond

I agree about having big responsibilities and that was sort of my point: It is not my responsibility to lead a sex-ed lesson with someone else's minor. I would really, really be furious if another parent did more than have a casual, non intimate chat about it with MY child. So, to go back to the OP, you are saying that by choosing not to tell the girl's parents, you would assume that role of educator and fascillitator of birth control and STD control options?

I just find that a gross disrespect to another parent. I'd just be so unhappy if someone did that with my child.

Knowing the child is in a home or family who will not respond well is different. If you know you are choosing between 2 "evils", it's a different story.

So, to go back to the OP, you are saying that by choosing not to tell the girl's parents, you would assume that role of educator and fascillitator of birth control and STD control options?

No i don't think it it's my job to educate other parent's children,
it's not something i would want to do honestly. I do plan to educate
my daughter early, but not it the way that it is commonly taught in
school per se. I frankly wouldnt be thrilled about my teen being
sexually active in the first place if they were still living like a child.

However i might, say to the young lady that she needs to talk to her
parents. That I might get into but I am not going to be an enabler of
going behind another parent's back, I would also talk to my dc about
it and explain why his/her activities put me in a very uncomfortable
position in regards to this subject.