Public/Private School and Homeschooling - Family Questions (Cross Post)

[quietmama]

This is cross posted from the Learning at Home and Beyond Board. I would love to hear both perspectives!
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=807896
*********

Currently my oldest son (5.5) has been in school for 4 months. This is his first year attending school. Right now we have him in a very small private school for his first year of Kindergarten. The school is very small and is in alignment with the way we are raising our three sons. Generally the values are gentle guidance - helping children recognize for themselves which actions bring happiness, kindness and generosity; living in harmony with others, nature and all of life. I really like the way the school views children and the way children grow. Also, this includes limited media input (we don't do any media input in our home) and organic healthy eating which I really appreciate in the school.

My son loves school. He wants to go everyday and actually seems disappointed to see me and my two other sons when we pick him up. Herein lies the problem... he is separating more and more from our family and he is becoming very aggressive and angry at home. I expected a natural separation when he started school because it is a part of his life that doesn't include the rest of his family, but I wasn't expecting how much he is disliking his brothers, my husband and I. Growing up I didn't have a close knit family so this was one of my main goals in raising my boys. I have decided to stay at home with them since my oldest was born. We've always done many family things together and overall I have tried my hardest in instilling a sense of family closeness.

I feel really overwhelmed and sad when he treats his brothers so badly. He's 5.5 years old and he threatens to leave our family and "never come back." He says this right to my three year old because my oldest ds knows that it breaks my three year olds heart. Today my middle son was so so sad that his brother "doesn't like him anymore and doesn't want to be part of our family." Often times the words that come out of my oldest sons mouth are things that he knows really hurt.

Often I've thought about homeschooling and one of the reasons why is because I want closeness of family and for the boys to grow up with one another. There were two reasons I decided this first year not to homeschool - the lack of social connections we have and also the lack of one-on-one time I have with the boys (because of our close age spacing.)

So, what I'm wondering.... has noticed a big difference in how their children act towards their family when it comes to schooling. Has anyone run into this same problem? Any other families that have gone from Schooling outside the Home to Home Schooling and seen a difference in how their children view their family.

Any thoughts, stories or ideas would be so helpful. I'm wondering if this is just natural and that my ds will come back around to being more family focused or if this is a by-product of being schooled outside the home.

[kmeyrick]

Well, as kids get to this age they are more alert and aware of their feelings, and often threaten to find a "new Mommy." I did it. Also, at around this age they tend to get more hierarchical, so he may be a bit big for his britches and intolerant of "babystuff." I notice a lot of kindies have zero tolerance for littler ones, since they can no longer relate to them.

The good news is, I'll bet this is a phase. Maybe the school can help you with strategies for home so that he's kinder. Maybe a different structure at home will help.

You sound an awful lot like my mom. She didn't have a close family either, and she wanted us all to be close. I can say that at 27, we are.

I firmly believe that if children are happy in a school, then keep them there, and if they are not take them out and homeschool them. Your son may feel oppressed if you take him out. But I think if this is a good school they can help you.

[ManiacMama]

My boys (ages 8 and 6) were previously homeschooled until this fall. I have noticed the same behavior as you have mentioned with my 8 year old. He is an active alert child and so has always been more difficult to parent, but since he started school, the mood swings, irritability, tantrums, yelling, etc. have all gotten to be very intense, in particular to his 6 yo brother and myself. I feel like in my son's case it is because of the stress of school, of having to hold everything together and be "perfect" all day, so when he gets home he can't deal with it any more just lets go.

To answer your question, yes, I do see a big difference in his behavior and in our family closeness between school and homeschooling. That is one of the parts of homeschooling I miss the most. However, for us there are family dynamics issues which would make it very challenging to return to homeschooling, and in many ways I am seeing my boys thrive in school, even if they claim to not like it.

It is a difficult decision and one only you and your partner can make for your family. I think in your situation it would be a bit harder since your son enjoys school and you seem to be very pleased with the school itself. Perhaps, as the pp poster suggested, this behavior will pass as time goes on. I know I am hoping as the year progresses my ds will adjust a little better and loosen up

[LookMommy!]

Well, I'll be the dissenter. We homeschooled for 3 years - my littlest stayed home until K, my middle was home for grades 2-4, and my big girl was home for grades 4-6. Those years were extremely stressful. There was too much togetherness, and they got on each other's nerves. Too many car rides, too much sharing. We live in an apt, and they couldn't escape each other. Son has mild PDD and sensory issues, so it made things extra hard. They are not so close in age (they are now 14, 11.5, and 6.5) they would have the same interests naturally, so usually outings left at least one member feeling too old or too young.

They are in school now, for the second year. This is the first year that ds 11and dd 6 are in the same school, and walk to and from school together. They are getting along much better now. They compare stories, sit down in the evenings together for homework time, and know each other's friends. They still play together when they are home, and age-bragging isn't a huge issue. There's a little bit of "oh, you are so lucky you don't have to do algebra" or whatever, but it is not a big deal. There own needs are being met, so they don't bring home their stress.


Our lives are more scheduled now, but that means that they all get up around the same time and all go to sleep around the same time. Dinner time is at 6:30 most nights. When they homeschooled, everyone was on his or her own for sleeping and eating, and there wasn't as much rhythm to the day.

JMO, Lisa

[sofiabugmom]

Well, I only have one child, and she just started K this year. With no previous experience in a school environment, as we had intended on HSing her. Her school sounds a lot like the one your DS is attending: very caring and attentive to the children, wanting to produce life-long learners rather than have them meet specific criteria for testing.

One thing we did notice is that for a while, she became much more defiant and rebellious at home. DH and I realized that it may have been because she had to follow a schedule at school that she didn't choose, and that since she didn't have as much control during the day as she used to, she tried to exert more control at home instead of wanting to compromise or share like she had before (not that she was perfect before, of course, just more willing ).

The good news is that things have gotten a little easier. I tend to agree with the PP's in that it's probably a phase, kind of an adjustment period. Hope things smooth out soon for all of you.

[kmeyrick]

Is he in kindy for the morning or all day? Maybe you need to switch schedules.

[Hannahsmummy]

YES!
We went through a similar phase. My daughter started at a Waldorf kindergarten at age 4. She hadn't previously had much time away from me at all and no school/nursery experience.
The first few months were very difficult. Much like your son the problem wasn't with school, she adores that. It was with us at home. She developed a serious attitude and would blatantly refuse to listen to us. She was rude and defiant.
After many incidents I finally got it sussed and had a conversation with her about it. It turned out that she felt like she was moving on from us. The exact quote being "Mummy, I am a big kid now and I don't need you anymore!"
Basically she was completely running with this independence thing and that included really not needing to take the child's role at home!
She was also exhausted after so much happening around her all day.

After the reason came out it was much easier to deal with. I began to give her much more responsibility at home and praised how well she did grown up things and pointed out ways that we could be together and need each other in our lives.

She's been in school for 6 months now and it is a whole lot better.
Good luck, I hope it gets better for you soon.