Originally Posted by dharmamama
But then again, MDC is a place where time-outs are considered a violation of children's rights, so maybe I shouldn't expect a more nuanced understanding of parenting a child with an attachment disorder.
I guess i just feel very conflicted about this. I don't
think that most people know what it takes to parent a child with an attachment disorder. I dont know that a community of parents who don't have kids with attachment disorder, and who parent very "gently", is the very best place to get advice for parenting a child with these needs yknow? At the same time, i understand the desire to get input or advice from people who are coming from the same "place" as you are (that is, more AP, more gentle, whatever...there are alot of mainstream parents on general adoption forums)....i'm not sure what the answer is. I dont see how you can avoid having to educate the forum on attachment disorder every time you post, otherwise they will assume your child is more typical right?
I think its just a double edged sword. A post at a close knit adoption forum that i love, but i'm clearly a black sheep there (the single, liberal unschooling mom who has few limits in her home)...when posts about tv, or videogames, or limited sugar or a million other things pop up, i dont feel like i can really give my opinion. On another list the issue of limiting tv/videogames came up, and a mom told me "yes, i understand what you are saying, but its different when you are parenting older adopted children, the same rules dont apply" but for me...its hard for me to tell what is typical mainstream parenting attitudes (oh, and its totally accepted here at MDC too, it makes me cringe: referring to games or shows or food the kid loves as *crap* or *junk* etc., being very controlling about what a child watches, wears, eats, etc...it drives me crazy!!)....the thing is, i totally understand what she is saying, when you are parenting an older child with attachment issues. But alot of the parents on these lists/forums (adoption forums)have kids who are pretty well attached, so its not that. I generally dont post on mainsteam parenting sites, because i want to avoid hearing about punishment and control and disrespect...so i have to do alot of filtering on adoption sites, because those parents are there too.
So....whats the solution? For a well-attached, typical child i dont believe that most of the parenting that is best suited for a child with attachment disorder is appropriate. I dont think time outs, punishment, control, etc are good for most kids. And i personally dont think they are that great for kids with attachment issue unless you also have the "high nurture" aspect down, and that you employ these techniques not with the idea of punishment, but rather truly trying to help the child (which is what i think makes it different than just typical parenting techniques.) Sorry, not even sure if this makes sense.
Its kind of like...if a woman posts on the breastfeeding forum that she wants to wean, she is going to get certain advice on not doing that. Now, perhaps she has really "good" reasons for needing to wean...but unless she says that, she isnt going to get the advice she seeks, because people arent going to assume she has a "good" reason, they are going to assume she has a more "typical" reason (dr. told me to, i'm tired, isnt she old enough, etc etc)....i can't really fault them for that, since its true most of the time, i'd think.
I post over at Adoptive Parents Network (formerly happy mom anna forums)...its very small, close-knit, and they seem pretty accepting of different types of parents (even me!
) They dont have too many parents of internationally adopted kids, so you'd be especially welcome. There is a focus on kids with attachment issues.