I'm being "set up" for flagrant breastfeeding?!

[Cigilteach]

I'm posting this partly because it is so crazy it's actually tickling me in some weird way so I thought I'd share.

My new s-i-l is suddenly uncomfortable with my breastfeeding in the same room as everyone else at family gatherings. I say suddenly because it was never an issue with my dd but now it is (so obviously, it isn't really the bfing...but that's another story altogether). Anyway, she was discussing it with her sister in front of my pro-breastfeeding b-i-l (not her dh, another bro) when she thought he wasn't paying attention. She was telling her sister how it makes her very uncomfortable but she didn't want to cause trouble. Her sister (an RN btw) told her that she would "put me in my place and no mistake" at the Christmas gathering. My b-i-l gave me the "heads up". It is cool that he is such a lactivist because he is the furthest from what one would imagine one to be - he is wild crazy loud disheveled almost permanently hung-over bachelor with decidedly no plans for a gf or family in the future. But I digress.

WTF?!

I talked with dh and we declined the Christmas dinner invite and the Christmas eve one saying we want to stay home with the kids. Persistent
s-i-l cornered him and said the families really wanted to get together (my arse, her family hates mine) and she had made plans for the 22, so he caved.

dh says don't give it another thought, who cares about the eejits, but I say BRING IT ON. I'm going to enjoy it.

I'm really just asking for the craic but what would you do (besides bfing non stop in the middle of the room) when the "sting" occurs?

oh, I guess I should add that I am "discreet" if only because I have loads of those tops where the empire waist just lifts and no one can tell you are nursing...so it is THE IDEA that a child is bfing in the room that is the supposed problem.

[rmzbm]

I wouldn't play any games with her. Flat out tell her you know her plans & you will nurse any way you see fit. So she can stiffle her dumb plans & you can all get together or you can stay home. Good luck!

[Sheal]

What rmzbm said all the way. Tell her to stuff it and do as you always do.

[celestialdreamer]

Originally Posted by rmzbm

I wouldn't play any games with her. Flat out tell her you know her plans & you will nurse any way you see fit. So she can stiffle her dumb plans & you can all get together or you can stay home. Good luck!

Yep. In this case I probably would chose to stay home. Really it sounds like she is arranging things to set you up and is very set on it. Why would you want to go spend holiday time with that when you could do something fun with your family???

[Meiri]

I don't know what to suggest.

It could be that no matter what you do: humor, teach facts, ignore, they will choose to see you as the "bad guy" and instigator.

I suppose the best question if the entrapping SIL says anything is to ask "how will the baby crying from hunger all evening will improve this evening's festivities?"

That or if she tries anything, just get up and leave immediately with a "We thought this was a genuine family event, not a trap." with an added "you people need Help!" if such seems appropriate.

[Cigilteach]

It is a little tricky even though I'm laughing. There is family over from abroad and they all want to be together and don't know of/won't be fazed by her "plans"

I would like to just get up and leave or tell them to go away period but that, I think, is what she's aiming for - a big blow up wherein I am further ostracized for my "crazy ways" (attachment parenting, hsing, hbac etc) and she...well, not quite she WHAT she's playing at.

I'm thinking of just smiling oozily at her sis and blinkingly asking why ANYONE would feel uncomfortable with a baby feeding in the room. I might perhaps further suggest that THEY go into the cold, spare room and have a good think to themselves instead of attempting to banish me and baby from a family gathering. But very sweetly, like warm honey.

I hate hate hate games and this IS certainly a big one but, I don't know, these people (dhs whole side) are WAAAAAAAAAY more complicated than me and I have been very complacent for years.

[elspethshimon]

I wish the pro-breastfeeding brother in law had said something. It would have been cool to think of this guy (as you describe him) saying something to those awful women.

I agree with the other posters, but also wanted to share a story about my professor who was anticipating being confronted by her partner's cousin at a family gathering. She brought a bottle of cow's milk to the next gathering. When it was time to nurse, she pulled out the bottle in front of the cousin who looked so relieved that prof. had a hard time containing herself. Then she started to nurse and the cousin was all uncomfortable and said, "Why aren't you using the bottle? What's going on?" And prof said, "Oh this is for you. Here. You always look so hungry when Baby is nursing." It totally embarrassed her. And apparently, the rest of the family thought it was hilarious.

Now, I do not recommend this as my professor is eccentric and often does things that are audacious and not always appropriate.

[patronia]

If she's pretending like she really wants you there and you feel obliged to go, go and nurse to your hearts content. You're not doing anything other than feeding your child and it's not your problem if it makes THEM uncomfortable.

That's what I think anyways.

[Myboysmom]

Originally Posted by patronia

If she's pretending like she really wants you there and you feel obliged to go, go and nurse to your hearts content. You're not doing anything other than feeding your child and it's not your problem if it makes THEM uncomfortable.

That's what I think anyways.

:

[homewithtwinsmama]

Her sister (an RN btw) told her that she would "put me in my place and no mistake" at the Christmas gathering. My b-i-l gave me the "heads up". It is cool that he is such a lactivist because he is the furthest from what one would imagine one to be - he is wild crazy loud disheveled almost permanently hung-over bachelor with decidedly no plans for a gf or family in the future. But I digress.

WTF?!

I talked with dh and we declined the Christmas dinner invite and the Christmas eve one saying we want to stay home with the kids. Persistent
s-i-l cornered him and said the families really wanted to get together (my arse, her family hates mine) and she had made plans for the 22, so he caved.

dh says don't give it another thought, who cares about the eejits, but I say BRING IT ON. I'm going to enjoy it.

I'm really just asking for the craic but what would you do (besides bfing non stop in the middle of the room) when the "sting" occurs?




I would absolutely walk into the gathering and from the doorway ANNOUNCE loudly that "I am going to be nursing when and where I need to and if anyone has a problem with it they can look away because we declined to be here because we heard that I would be challenged for feeding my baby and sent regrets! We are only here because X insisted." And then I would stare down the SIL until she looks away. But, I am like that...

[AidynElyMama]

Originally Posted by patronia

If she's pretending like she really wants you there and you feel obliged to go, go and nurse to your hearts content. You're not doing anything other than feeding your child and it's not your problem if it makes THEM uncomfortable.

That's what I think anyways.

I agree, and if and when the "sting" occurs, I would very calmly an rationally say, "When we told you we weren't coming, you insisted we be here. Was this the reason, so that you could "put me in my place" in front of our family? Good work, I'm in my place, feeding my child. You insisted we come, my baby has a right to eat, and if it makes anyone uncomfortable, by all means, feel free to leave the room."

I only say stay calm because then she ends up looking like the idiot. Better yet, get the BIL who is supportive in on it, and have him say, "This is what you planned, right? To put her in her place?"

People like this make me want to scream!

[Cigilteach]

elspethshimon

YES!!!!!!!!!!!

That's exactly the kind of feedback I needed! It has given me an idea. I will go with a can of formula tucked under my arm, carrying a tray of beautifully arranged hors d'oeuvres that just happen to be Baby Formula Canapes. After someone tries one, I'll offer to mix them up a great cocktail I've created...we'll see if that staves off the comments.

I'm most likely not going to do anything but sit next to dh bfing hoping they won't mess with HIM and keep their acid personalities to themselves. But I do so like to process by imagining slapstick comedy situations. It helps me gain some balance. kwim?? If I didn't do this and they mess with me, I may just explode.

[Heather423]

I go into a private room when at family gatherings, but that is just me, I can't NIP. I can't imagine what she is going to say to "put you in your place". I would calmly say "If feeding my baby really bothers you that much, feel free to leave the room". Or you can cause more of a scene by asking everyone if it bothers them.

[kikidee]

Do you know the sister (RN)? If not, then when you are introduced, you could say "Oh, so you are the one who's going to put me in my place w/ regards to BFing?" and smile sweetly. Or, if you do know her, you could just say something when you see her... like "So I hear you are going to 'put me in my place' when I nurse my child?" and again, with the sweet smile. I wouldn't necessarily do it in front of people, just quietly, so they know that you know.

It's like that Friends episode "We know they know that we know that they know..." HA!

I'm so sorry you have this layer of stress added to the holidays. I hate games! Blah.

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by elspethshimon

I wish the pro-breastfeeding brother in law had said something. It would have been cool to think of this guy (as you describe him) saying something to those awful women.

I agree with the other posters, but also wanted to share a story about my professor who was anticipating being confronted by her partner's cousin at a family gathering. She brought a bottle of cow's milk to the next gathering. When it was time to nurse, she pulled out the bottle in front of the cousin who looked so relieved that prof. had a hard time containing herself. Then she started to nurse and the cousin was all uncomfortable and said, "Why aren't you using the bottle? What's going on?" And prof said, "Oh this is for you. Here. You always look so hungry when Baby is nursing." It totally embarrassed her. And apparently, the rest of the family thought it was hilarious.

Now, I do not recommend this as my professor is eccentric and often does things that are audacious and not always appropriate.

I like this one.

Personally, I'd tell dh he could go and I'm staying home. I have no interest in the negative energy. But... that's kind of boring.

[Cigilteach]

haaa it's not boring it is what I usually do but I can't stay in all the time and it seems I offend lots of people what with my militant...um....goofiness. ugh.

perhaps i should give an example of what SHOULD be done privately...or in enforced privacy that is. I'll just quickly, while the kids aren't looking, stick my tongue in dh's ear sing "Let's Get in On" and give his thigh a good squeeze something...should give dh a thrill anyway...heehee

[MilkTrance]

I would absolutely walk into the gathering and from the doorway ANNOUNCE loudly that "I am going to be nursing when and where I need to and if anyone has a problem with it they can look away because we declined to be here because we heard that I would be challenged for feeding my baby and sent regrets! We are only here because X insisted." And then I would stare down the SIL until she looks away. But, I am like that...[/QUOTE]

Would you like to be my friend? I like your style.

It's what I want to do in my head but am always afraid to.

[Meredith&Alexander]

Hmmm, I'd wait for her to say or do something. When she did, I'd probably say, loudly, "So that's why you were so insistant we come! So you could make a scene about me nursing here. We'll be going now." Then I would very obviously gather my things, still nursing, and say goodbye to every single person in the room, explaining why we were leaving. At length. Slowly. No hurry to leave at all. We'd linger. All the time telling everyone why we were leaving.

That would be a fun party to be at!

[mrsfussypants]

Originally Posted by Meredith&Alexander

Hmmm, I'd wait for her to say or do something. When she did, I'd probably say, loudly, "So that's why you were so insistant we come! So you could make a scene about me nursing here. We'll be going now." Then I would very obviously gather my things, still nursing, and say goodbye to every single person in the room, explaining why we were leaving. At length. Slowly. No hurry to leave at all. We'd linger. All the time telling everyone why we were leaving.

That would be a fun party to be at!

OOOhhhhh yes!!!! That would be fun! Beat her at her own game.: sorry I just had to use the trekkie smiley.

[homewithtwinsmama]

Originally Posted by MilkTrance

I would absolutely walk into the gathering and from the doorway ANNOUNCE loudly that "I am going to be nursing when and where I need to and if anyone has a problem with it they can look away because we declined to be here because we heard that I would be challenged for feeding my baby and sent regrets! We are only here because X insisted." And then I would stare down the SIL until she looks away. But, I am like that...

Would you like to be my friend? I like your style.

It's what I want to do in my head but am always afraid to.[/QUOTE]


Go for it, its very free-ing to just state your intentions clearly. And the people who truly love and know you won't care anyway.