I'm being "set up" for flagrant breastfeeding?! - Page 5

[JessBB]

Ok, so my mom is notorious for slipping incredibly toxic comments into conversation - for example, telling me I need to go on "The Biggest Loser" when I am 10-15 pounds overweight, saying my nephew looks like a troll, etc. After years of silently stewing and/or retreating and crying, I came up with something that works - I ask her FLAT OUT in a very calm and hurt tone of voice what she meant by her comment and whether she is simply trying to hurt my feelings. She backs down every single time as nobody wants to look like the a$$hole, even if they are. I would just look over at SIL wide-eyed, and say something like, "But I really want to be included in this activity, and it hurts me that you don't want me here. Why would you say something so unkind to me?" If she escalates, believe me she won't likely win any friends as probably everyone will be so uncomfortable with the conflict that they'll be like, what the he!!? In my experience, bullies almost always back down when you put it right in their face; they are cowards after all!

[Momtwice]

Oh My Goodness one of those little baby Jesuses looks exactly like dd used to look
(who I haven't nursed in years.)

:

[Ann-Marita]

The event is today, right? I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

[llamalluv]

Originally Posted by Ann-Marita

The event is today, right? I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for an update!

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

Me too!

The perpetrators here have no idea that there's a whole online community backing this mama!

[eri_flores]

This thread is the best thing since sliced bread! I mean since breast milk! I stayed up way past my bed time reading it all... can't wait to hear how the evening went!

[motherearthdancer]

I'm in a similar situation with my in-laws. my husband and his brother had a falling out and their sister has pretty much not sided with us (she said shes not choosing sides, but in this situation, I don't see how you can remain neutral unless you cut them both out of your life) . I hate that its come to what it is, but in my case I'm protecting our kids from my BIL. SIL doesn't feel he's dangerous. MIL wanted us all to have x-mas together (early today b/c she just found out her father is dying and is leaving to go be with him) I considered going to SIL house for the family gathering, but was still feeling ify knowing that BIL would be there. We still had not even decided what we would do when SIL sent txt to DH saying that "I need to ask that your wife cover-up while breastfeeding around the family. The boys are getting an age where I don't want them exposed and others are uncomfortable being exposed as well...."

I find this funny that in the last 3 years that i've been nursing ds1 she's never said i've been anything but discreet. When her kids showed an interest in my breastfeeding she said it didn't bother her if it didn't bother me (as if!)

So I feel shes just bring it up to upstage our decision not to attend family activities with BIL...like she's feeling threated by our actions and accusations. But its his own brother making them..not me...I'm merely supporting my husband and protecting our kids from a possibly dangerous situation.

I'm just feeling pissed that she actually sent a txt message about it to him and not me. Like we are no longer friends because of this. (she didn't wave at me when I dropped my ds off with grandma for her tea date with the grandkids)

And I'm curious to know who else is uncomfortable b/c no one has said anything to me about this until now. And the thing about her boys getting to an age where she doesn't want them exposed...I want to be like, "as opposed to what? being too young or too old. How do you decide? What is your justification as what is too old for a young boy to view breasts for their true purpose? When they turn 16 and are curious and sexualizing breasts...is that better than them expressing and interest in watching me breastfeed? Like, I don't want to mean...I really want to know how she explains it to herself. Does she think its gross when she nursed her daughter up until 9 months old? Why is it okay for her to nurse but not for anyone else to nurse. So if anyone else she knows has babies, she doesn't want her boys exposed to it because of their age? I really don't get it. I don't.

So, i was just trying to say I know how hard it is when its your family. i never expected it from this angle. They all know how important bf is to me and my family and I've tried to be very discreet when at her house, but I'm not going to feed the baby in the bathroom or anything. I've tried excaping to the boys room, but then they follow me down there. Its their room. I don't feel comfortable breastfeeding in my SIL room b/c her husband usually down there by himself...and I'm quite sure he wouldn't want me doing that in his room. So the only other opitons woudl be the computer room or the front room where the rest of the family hangs out. I could go nurse in the computer room, but my dh doesn't like it when I play around on the comptuer when the rest of the family is gathering, he would like me to be sociable, but I can't be social when I'm being ousted for bf huh?

I want to ask her what she expects me to do, but I'm waiting to see what DH wants to do. right now he seems to be content just cutting off communication with them. ITs just hard to explain to my 3 year old why he can't see his beloved cousins and play with them. they've been like brothers up until now.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Subbing I am very interested to see if anything happened.

[Meredith&Alexander]

Tapping my foot, waiting for an update.

[G8P4]

Ok, so my mom is notorious for slipping incredibly toxic comments into conversation - for example, telling me I need to go on "The Biggest Loser" when I am 10-15 pounds overweight, saying my nephew looks like a troll, etc. After years of silently stewing and/or retreating and crying, I came up with something that works - I ask her FLAT OUT in a very calm and hurt tone of voice what she meant by her comment and whether she is simply trying to hurt my feelings. She backs down every single time as nobody wants to look like the a$$hole, even if they are. I would just look over at SIL wide-eyed, and say something like, "But I really want to be included in this activity, and it hurts me that you don't want me here. Why would you say something so unkind to me?" If she escalates, believe me she won't likely win any friends as probably everyone will be so uncomfortable with the conflict that they'll be like, what the he!!? In my experience, bullies almost always back down when you put it right in their face; they are cowards after all!

JessBB, I love your answer. I have had years of training in being non-confrontational, and not in a good way….this usually means when anyone confronts me I cave in, or become embarrassed. I just seem to have this default button that everything is always my fault. So, if other people around me are angry or uncomfortable or unhappy, I automatically think that 1. It’s my fault…and 2. I have to fix it….even if whatever the problem is , is completely ridiculous, it’s sort of a conditioned response for me. It’s only later on that I think about what I should have done. All those smart answers. So, I am working hard at simply asking for clarification...as you said, asking FLAT OUT what they meant or what they said.... “Did you just say what I think you said?” “Did you just say that my breastfeeding makes you feel uncomfortable?” “Why would you say that? I don’t understand why breastfeeding is a problem for you. Yes, I can see that you do indeed have some sort of problem.”

Then I guess it’s up to all of you who have family members who feel the same way, to decide what you are going to do about their problem.

[Cigilteach]

Well, you all won't believe it but after all that we didn't go. :

Everything sort of hit the fan at our own house when probreastfeeding bil decided to tell me all the horrible (and I mean horrible) things everyone on dh's side including bil himself has been saying about me (just me?) homeschooling. When I filled dh in on this, he called the other bil to say we wouldn't be attending his gathering because we had shopping to finish.

They are all stopping by tomorrow at some point, no doubt fuming at me because of the lame excuse for not going to the party and because somehow it is always me not dh. Since I will be breastfeeding comfortably and with abandon in my own home, I'm sure they'll have plenty of opportunity to be even more annoyed. I seriously doubt sil would have the nerve to say a word but if she does MY FAMILY will have her head if they also happen to be there at the time. I'm not going to wear my I Make Milk What is Your Superpower tshirt but I am wearing a beautiful red dress with a very plunging neckline and just popping the nursies out when needed. humph.

All the thoughts and support I received did soooooooo not go to waste. To be honest, I thought of you all when listening to the horrible stuff these people say about me and I knew I'd have your support because I honestly do nothing wild or crazy with my children, just mother them naturally and school them at home. My inlaws are just miserable hurtful people.

Also, it is all filed away because if I have my way I'll be breastfeeding for at least another decade (want more babies) so I'm SURE it will all come in useful.

Thank you all so very much.

ps horrid comments made by bil can be found on comments at family gatherings thread in homeschooling section MDC. There were some doozies.

[Cigilteach]

motherearthdancer

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all that. Believe me, I know how it is. People using our loving and conscious mothering of our children as a way to hurt and attack us is wrong on so many levels, it really freaks me out sometimes.

Love and strength to you!!!

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by Cigilteach

ps horrid comments made by bil can be found on comments at family gatherings thread in homeschooling section MDC. There were some doozies.

Why did bil confess.

[PatioGardener]

Originally Posted by Cigilteach

I'm not going to wear my I Make Milk What is Your Superpower tshirt but I am wearing a beautiful red dress with a very plunging neckline and just popping the nursies out when needed.

Good luck and stay strong.

[Meiri]

Why did bil confess.

I'm guessing that this is the other BIL, the entrapping SIL's husband who was participating in the bashing, not the probreastfeeding BIL.

OTOH, I could be confused in the opposite direction from you.

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by Cigilteach

Well, you all won't believe it but after all that we didn't go. :

<snip>

They are all stopping by tomorrow at some point,

Hey, deciding not to go is a valid way to handle a situation like this!

Be sure to update us after they've "stopped by"!!!

[TiredX2]

[Cigilteach]

bil confessed because of the drink. when he's with them he is drinking and hearing horrible stuff. When with us, he drinks, it all comes out. thankfully, we figured that whole drink thing long ago. ugh.

[captain optimism]

I'm really glad for you that you didn't go, but it sounds pretty rotten that you can't have family time for your kids with their cousins.

Maybe a good way around this is to arrange play dates with the aunts and uncles and cousins as individual, nuclear families? They want to divide and conquer--how about YOU divide and conquer?

I'm sorry if this cast a pall on your holiday.