Queer Single Parents?

[AngelaM]

Hey folks,

Are there other queer single parents/parents-to-be hanging out here? I'm pregnant with my first, and after spending so much time and money to get knocked up, I am TERRIFIED.

I'd love to hear about other people's experiences as queer single parents. I've spent some time browsing the Single Parents forum, but so much of it is focused on exes and support and custody that I just don't relate to it. And the resources I've found for single parents by choice are often geared toward women who are older, more financially secure, etc., than I am.

My story is that I'm 31, a grad student, hopefully finishing school in May 2009 and becoming a working parent. I have a great support network of friends and family, and my mom is moving to the town where I live to help me with childcare, parenting, etc. My situation is complicated by the fact that I've been dating someone for about a year now who is ambivalent about this pregnancy to say the least. She wants kids eventually, but not right now, she's scared and freaked out, etc... I really love her, and I know that she loves me, but I'm not sure that we're going to be able to work this out, and that's been making me really, really sad. I think that a lot of my fears and ambivalences about this pregnancy have to do with this.

Anyway, I'd be interested in hearing about other people's stories. I've found lots of great support at MDC, but definitely could use some friends who are parenting without partners.

[patronia]

I'm not yet but I wanted to tell you I relate. I'm even younger than you and (hopefully) becoming a single mother by choice in 2008/2009 and I'm a lesbian. I looked around for a long time trying to find some place I fit in, but everywhere I went seemed to be geared to older women. I hope you can find a good support group here.

Oh and Congratulations on your pregnancy

[thismama]

Me, me!

I am a single mama, had my daughter with a gay male friend. He spends a lot of time with her and is an active parent but I still do most of the everyday grind stuff. She is with me most, spends her nights at my place still, and if she's puking, she's puking on me.

Honestly I chose to have this baby with a donor because IME another parent can be more trouble than they are worth. My daughter's dad and I have ironed out our differences for the most part now, but early on it was high drama. He didn't want another baby this time, and I didn't want another babydaddy. And, I very much wanted another baby. I figure if I am doing most of the work anyway, how exactly does it benefit me to have someone else who has lots of rights and whose interests limit mine (ie. I can't move out of this county, etc)?

That might sound harsh, and I don't mean it as harsh, and my daughter's dad is really excellent compared to how it could have gone. I have friends whose custody stories break my heart, and terrify me. Honestly given the drama at least with male/female relationships and babymaking, I don't know why more women don't choose to be single mamas right from the start.

Anyway, so this one is mine and mine alone. I've had some serious anxiety about that. The anxiety is pretty irrational, I think I'm carrying it mostly because single mothering by choice is not normalized, unless you're like 41 with alarms sounding on the ole biological clock, and professional/rich. Alternately I feel relief that I am not facing potential drama with another, less active, parent. Also lots of excitement, and this sense that I can't believe I pulled it off. I have deeply wanted another child, and also had this fear that I would just never do it because it was too 'outside the box' or something.

On a practical level, I did most of the babyhood work with my daughter alone, and although it was overwhelming at times I managed it. If you're nursing, well then you're pretty much where it is at anyway. IME my child wouldn't go with anyone else anyway, for ages and ages. Even her father. I hope I don't get a colicky babe this time. On a practical immediate level, my plan is to make my life as easy as possible in the babe's infancy (like make lots of food ahead of time, etc) and get some practical help and also emotional support from friends.

Anyway, you're not alone! What inspired you to want to parent, in this 'outside the box' way?

[PeaceTiger]

Good for you, AngelaM, for going for this pregnancy. How long did it take you to conceive? I'm TTC in Feb '08 (as a surrogate), and I'm already thinking about what it will be like to be pregnant & single -- friends are a great support but they all have their own lives and aren't going to be there when I'm sobbing at 1am on hormonal overdrive. How are you doing with the day-to-day?

Good luck with your relationship -- that's tough. Don't have much advice at the moment, but here's a heap of support!

PS I used to live in Providence. I loved it there.

[onelia]

... and another, in New York.

I'm glad to meet all of you online. I'm a queer, single, mother-to-be by choice. I conceived with the help of a known donor, a queer man, to whom I am extremely close. But he will not have co-parenting responsibilities, and does not even live in the area. He and I are both graduate students, in different parts of the country.

I will have the support of a network of close friends in my area, including a woman I am currently seeing who is quite excited about my pregnancy. But I am very concerned at the potential for isolation, not to mention the economic strain of single parenting while in grad school.

[AngelaM]

Hey, I'm so excited to hear from other people!

Thismama, to answer your question, I decided to do this now, in this way, for a lot of reasons. I knew that I wanted to be a parent, and this felt like the right time, logistically. I have a flexible schedule right now, a mom who's excited about helping, a body that felt ready, etc. Also, although I do ultimately hope to have a life partner, I also knew that I didn't want to enter every relationship I was in for the next five years with a "baby schedule" in the back of my head on our second date. I felt like doing it on my own, while single, would give me the space I needed to commit to becoming a parent, and that that would take some of the pressure off of my dating situations. That has not worked out entirely the way I imagined (I'm finding it very challenging to be dating someone who's not a co-parent right now). Finally, I felt, and feel, very committed to a notion of family and community that isn't defined by a nuclear family or partnership, and having a kid with the love and support of my friends and family has been a way to try and live that reality.

Peacetiger- It took me six tries to get a pregnancy that stuck. I got pregnant the first time, then had an early miscarriage. So I guess my rate is actually 2 out of 6, or 33%, which isn't bad. You might check the ttc thread for more on this, but the thing that made a difference for me was sperm count, so if you're using donor sperm, this is something to think about.

Patronia- Good luck! I hope this space will provide a forum for those of us who don't fit the "normal" single parent mold.

Onelia- Welcome! I'm also a grad-student-mama-to-be! Yeah, I totally hear you on the stresses of money and time and grad school and parenthood. I'm glad that your girlfriend has been supportive- I'm definitely still negotiating what it means to be pregnant and dating...

Anyway, it's really great to hear from other people. I'm glad that I'm not the only one doing things this way...

[Laura Biz]

Hey Angela, I am also a queer single mama but I do somewhat fit that stereotype you mentioned...I'm a tad older than you (39 now, 37 when my son was born) and somewhat established in my career and all that. However, there are many aspects of being a single queer parent that are similar for all of us. So, what I can tell you is it's great that you have a strong support network..that will make all the difference in the world. It's particularly important to have friends with children though. I joined our local La Leche League when my son was 1 month old and from that have developed a great group of friends who are mentors in parenting for me. There's always someone to call if we're bored or having cabin fever and it helps so much because once you have the baby sooooo many aspects of your life and your priorities will change. Being a single mama is a great fit for me right now...I love not having to figure out parenting issues with someone else and although it's tough at times, I wouldn't trade my experience for anything. I think the thing I miss the most parenting solo is not always having someone right here to share the darling inspiring things my son does...but I share those with friends and when I can write them down for him to read later. It's become easier as he gets older because he is more able to interact and our relationship is really strong, in part, because it's the two of us. I would love to get involved in a relationship again someday once he's a bit older, but this has been a really good experience for me to do this on my own. I agree working through the ambivalence about your current relationship will be a challenge...but in time that will become clearer to you. The baby will CONSUME your energy, attention, love, body, everything for many many months/years. I see so many of my friends who are married really struggle, especially in the first couple of years, with all the changes children have brought to their relationship. My perspective on dating is that I won't introduce anyone into my son's life that will take anything away from him...I really want whoever comes into our life to enhance his experience rather than detract from it. Why is the person you are dating ambivalent about your pregnancy???

[lanamommyphd07]

Hi all!
I'm a single mom by choice, a lesbian-leaning bisexual, currently single (since honestly, I have no time or energy for a new relationship right now), "bought my kid online" with anonymous donor sperm and it took the first try, which was a tad earlier than I expected, so I didn't finish my dissertation before kid--this is a hard part--working full time, teaching part time, and trying to finish that damned paper with a new babe in tow has taught me a few things about how important a clean floor is :-P
but honestly, I'm in the older-woman crowd I guess as well (37) but we don't have a huge network--mostly work friends, my mom, some old school pals, that sort of thing. Since I live in a pretty conservative town, not only are my parenting and general family life values a little off from the norm here (people will stop me and ask what the ergo carrier is/I've never seen another mom NIP), add the gay piece and there's not a lot out there. But on the other hand, I don't feel isolated or lonely either. I would probably be more involved socially with just one job and the kiddo, and in another location. But for now, we're content. (and referred to as that "weird hippie lady who's always happy")
anyway, good thread! it's nice to see that there are OTHERS.

[AngelaM]

Thanks, Lana and Laura, for your replies. Lana, I'm particularly happy to find other grad student mothers on this list! I'm trying to finish a significant chunk of my diss before the baby arrives. (If only the time I spend on MDC could be turned into productive dissertation writing...)

Laura, to answer your question, my girlfriend is ambivalent about the pregnancy for a couple different reasons. She wants kids, but doesn't feel ready for them financially. She has a lot of educational debt that she wants to pay off first. Also, she was essentially raised by a nanny, and I think feels like being able to afford that is essential to parenthood. (I was raised by a working single mother, so obviously I have a different view of the possibilities...) More important, I think, is that she's always had a picture of what her life would look like- finding the right woman, settling down, getting married, then having children after she and her partner had been together for years, were settled in their careers, owned a house, etc. And there's nothing wrong with that at all- it's just not what I chose to do. So I think in some ways, she's having trouble figuring out if her "picture" is flexible enough to accommodate this new vision of what family and the future might look like.

I don't know, it's hard. I love her, a lot. But obviously, I'm not interested in being in a relationship that takes away from my excitement about, and the energy that I have to offer, my child. So, we'll see...

[Laura Biz]

Angela, after reading what you wrote I am so, so impressed by your commitment to follow your own path, despite your girlfriend's differences in her vision of how/when to have a family. I think it really highlights what a courageous woman you are to have the feelings you have for her and yet still be following your own heart to fulfill your own vision of creating your family. Launching into parenthood really challenges us to explore our own upbringing and how our experiences of being parented inform who we are as parents...it's a really deep, dynamic, at times downright scarry part of being a mom. But it sounds like you already have really good insights into all of this which is awesome...when are you due by the way?

Something I leared as soon as I was pregnant is that everyone has advice/opinions/judgements/feedback about parenting...and people seem to be very comfortable sharing their opinions, whether they are solicited or not! I really had to sort out what of my own upbringing resonated with me and what parts did I want to do differently...and it's hard to trust your insticts at first but as in everything, that's the best guide for what will work for you and your child. You sound like you are already very intune to all that. In reality, no time is ever perfect to have a baby...what if you waited and then couldn't conceive? I think it's great you've made the choices you have made, even though it's really hard to sort it all out.

[max_4477]

Hi Angela,

I became a queer single mama by choice via DI 5 yrs ago, when I was 25. I was dating someone long-distance at the time, who was not interested in becoming a parent at that time. For a variety of reasons our partnering relationship didn't last beyond my dc's 1st year. I'm not a single parent anymore, as I later met and married my now-wife, who is now coparenting dc with me (he knows but doesn't remember that she wasn't always there). But I was, and did often feel unusual, as a young single parent by DI, someone low-income who was going the DI route (since then I have gone to grad school and upped my earning power), a young queer parent (often taken for straight after I had the kid), and someone genderqueer who was pregnant/breastfeeding (I normally look very androgynous, but that's not possible with the lactating rack of doom or prego belly).

All to say, congrats on the pregnancy (!!), I think we *all* have those "WTF have I done?!?" moments, and I feel you on a lot of the things you mentioned in your OP.

[AngelaM]

Originally Posted by Laura Biz

Angela, after reading what you wrote I am so, so impressed by your commitment to follow your own path, despite your girlfriend's differences in her vision of how/when to have a family. I think it really highlights what a courageous woman you are to have the feelings you have for her and yet still be following your own heart to fulfill your own vision of creating your family.

Thanks Laura. This is really validating and good to hear. The truth is that somedays I feel very strong and empowered by this decision, and other days I wonder if I've made the biggest mistake of my life.

Originally Posted by max_4477

I became a queer single mama by choice via DI 5 yrs ago, when I was 25. I was dating someone long-distance at the time, who was not interested in becoming a parent at that time. For a variety of reasons our partnering relationship didn't last beyond my dc's 1st year. I'm not a single parent anymore, as I later met and married my now-wife, who is now coparenting dc with me (he knows but doesn't remember that she wasn't always there). But I was, and did often feel unusual, as a young single parent by DI, someone low-income who was going the DI route (since then I have gone to grad school and upped my earning power), a young queer parent (often taken for straight after I had the kid), and someone genderqueer who was pregnant/breastfeeding (I normally look very androgynous, but that's not possible with the lactating rack of doom or prego belly).

Max, this is really helpful. Sometimes it's good for me to remind myself that becoming a single parent now doesn't mean being a single parent forever. And uh, yeah, I hear you on the "looking straight" thing already. I'm not showing at all, but had to tell my dentist during my cleaning the other day, who immediately asked if my husband was excited. WTF?!? That does not usually happen to me.

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories with me. My therapist told me the other day that I needed to "find my tribe." Though it's a little cheesy, I think she's actually right, and it's a pretty hard and scattered tribe to find. I feel so grateful to have the support of lots of MDC mamas, and other queer single mamas in particular.

[thismama]

Oh I know, on the husband thing! I went for an u/s and my daughter's dad came along to take care of her and bring her in to see the video of my baby on screen. They were in the waiting area and I was in, and the tech said she would call in my 'husband' now. I said 'Oh, I don't have a husband.' She said, 'Is nobody out there taking care of your child?'

Yeah because it's more likely I left my 4 year old unattended in your waiting room than I'm pregnant with no husband.

[thismama]

Originally Posted by AngelaM

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories with me. My therapist told me the other day that I needed to "find my tribe." Though it's a little cheesy, I think she's actually right, and it's a pretty hard and scattered tribe to find. I feel so grateful to have the support of lots of MDC mamas, and other queer single mamas in particular.

Just wanted to say too that my 'tribe' has come to consist of childless lesbians (mostly sour, 'breeder' critical butches actually ), partnered lesbian mamas of a different socioeconomic class than me, and young progressive feminist AP mamas of varied sexual orientations and family statuses. I don't have a tribe of people in exactly my situation, but between all that lot I feel a lot of support and camraderie. I met people by going to LLL, Stitch n' Bitch gatherings, Dykes n' Tykes, etc. Also the net... I met one of my best friends on here, she hooked me up with another local mama on LJ, we all started hanging out and the circle kind of expanded from there.

Makes all the difference, it really does.