i cannot process the death of my friend. may be a possible trigger

[homemademomma]

argh. my midwifery partner and close friend died almost 6 months ago, and i feel like i will never get over it. i feel like i cannot fully process it. i am supposed to go to a gathering at her husbands house to celebrate their daughter (friend died in childbirth due to a pre-existing condition) and all the people who have helped since friend died. i dont want to go because i don't want to think about her. i don't like to see her daughter and i hate talking to her husband (even though i truly love him) because i dont want to think about friend. i KNOW that there is a huge spot inside of me full of all the things that have happened to me that i have not allowed myself to process, and i do not even know what those things are. my friend's death is the tip of the iceberg, i am sure. i am afraid that my memory of her will fade and she will become just one of those nameless scary shadows in my brain, but i cannot bear thinking about her. i just cannot. all i can think about is her in a coma hooked up to amillion wires with tubes coming out of her mouth, with her just born daughter on her chest, she will never know her mom and even worse her mom will never know her. she only ever wanted to have a kid. that is all she ever wanted- to be pregnant and have a baby! i was going to be their midwife if she was safe for homebirth!

[Joyce in the mts.]

What a special woman she must have been and how tragic a loss for you all.

Supportive thoughts come to all.

J.

[Cherie2]

I hope you can go to the celebration.... my mom died in october and even though it was painful, every contact and every tear shared with one of her loved ones was so so incredibly healing for me. It hurt, but it felt so good and clensing..healing at the same time.