Anxiety over new dog

[angela&avery]

Oh, man am I in big. We have contemplated having a dog now for... years..

My kids love dogs and we have always lived in apartments, so have always told the kids when we got a house, we would get a dog.

Well, we got a house 2 months ago, and said ok guys, after christmas, we need to let the cats adjust.

Well, this week we found on at the spca that was perfect for our family. She is a two year old black lab/shepard mix and very sweet. She is relatively calm, very submissive (shows her belly a lot), gentle, she is going potty for us outside though not telling us when she needs to.... generally ok.. a little clingy which i understand is normal.

But Im freaking out!!! I did not see this coming. I feel overwhelmed, she wants me constantly, I feel guilty when I have to go in my room and close the door, I cant function, I cant eat. We got her yesterday and I was so excited, then last night it set in. I was like.. what have I done?

I have a history of anxiety, but its completely unpredictable and the only way to get rid of it is by removing the thing making me anxious or removing myself from the situation.

New jobs, living situations have done this to me and it can take months for it to resolve. Some times it happens, sometimes it doesnt.. But im finding myself coming up with reasons we cant keep her... we have no fenced in yard, I dont want ot have to take her out on a leash a million times a day.. the kids make her nervous and they cant leave her alone long enough to sleep, she is starting to avoid them.My cats are freaking out and hiding downstairs and in rooms. We dont have room for a crate ( I had planned to not need one with an older dog) and her nervousness tells me I made need one.

I feel like I made a big mistake and I dont know if it will resolve. And now I have to either suck it up and be miserable or disappoint my whole family who all really want and love her!!!

I am a mess.
Please help.. I havent eaten at all day... I just cant Im so upset.

[angela&avery]

anyone? I was hoping when I woke up this morning, I would feel better but i dont... I cant shake this.

yesterday I ate a few bites of toast and two bites of tacos... and drank tea all day.. I just cant eat

My kids are pretty accepting that we may not keep her, but I think my husband is upset. He says he understands.... but.... and Im just like, but you dont understand bc if you did you woudnt want me to live like this for the next two to three months just for a dog...

and i love dogs!!! Its so sad, i just think its too much for me right now..

ugh.
any advice or thoughts would be great ...t hanks!

[Magella]

Well, I don't know if this will be at all helpful but here goes. We got a new puppy three days before Thanksgiving. We talked and talked about it, researched and researched, had a very good idea what it would be like. Found adorable dog, great personality. And then within like a week I was totally freaking out. Having this puppy was waaaaay more....disruptive than I had imagined. I kept thinking, I don't know how to care for this dog and train this dog. I kept thinking, it would've been easier to have another human baby than have this dog.

But you know what? After we settled in for a couple of weeks, it got a lot better. I made myself spend extra time, beyond what *I* wanted to spend, playing with him and being affectionate with him. I have grown very fond of him. I watch my kids love him, and my dh has fallen head over heels for this puppy. He is part of our family now, and though I sometimes still get anxious about it and wonder if we did the right thing for us in getting this dog I realize that's the anxiety talking, it's not about the dog. Big changes in life are hard for me, and having a dog is a big change. Knowing it's anxiety, I can cope with and manage the anxiety.

And fwiw, I have learned both with my own anxiety and in helping my dd with her anxiety that relieving anxiety by getting rid of or avoiding the situation/thing that I feel anxious about only reinforces the anxiety. Makes the anxiety stronger. Better for me, and for dd, to learn to deal with those things we feel anxious about so we can learn to cope and learn to manage the anxiety. Of course, we need to make sure we don't totally overwhelm ourselves either by trying to take on something that's just too much to handle.

Also, what about asking for ideas about the dog's nervousness and needs over on the pets board? You might find some helpful tips that could help you with the dog, which could alleviate some of your anxiety--I know I cope better and feel less anxious when I have tools and information.

[grisandole]

I completely understand. The first week or so with a new dog is an adjustment, even if you don't have anxiety issues, lol. What I would do is tell yourself that it isn't permanent, give yourself permission to take the dog back if need be, and accept that. You do not have to keep the dog forever. I find that sometimes, knowing I have an "out" makes all the difference.

Once you feel less trapped, then you can work on the other issues. In all honesty, it sounds like she does need a crate or other space that is just for her. Even a dog bed..somewhere she can go to get away when she's feeling overwhelmed. That will probably help with the clinginess.

[Magella]

Originally Posted by grisandole

What I would do is tell yourself that it isn't permanent, give yourself permission to take the dog back if need be, and accept that. You do not have to keep the dog forever. I find that sometimes, knowing I have an "out" makes all the difference.

I agree with this. I've had in the back of my mind since the beginning that if we do our best and it really isn't working for either us or the dog, we do not have to keep the dog. This takes the pressure off, which helps a lot. Then we can just take it one day at a time, and it seems less overwhelming.

[angela&avery]

I couldnt do it. I had to take her back. And it did seem better after I made that decision, but the only thing that really made the anxiety go away was telling my dh. He is sooooooo sad. The kids are ok, but dh is very upset. I just feel terrible. I have made some phone calls and Im going to go see someone for my anxiety.

I would feel ok if dh wasnt so upset. I just dont know why sometimes this happens and sometimes it doesnt... and to be honest, i can clearly say that for all the talking about getting a dog we have done... I just wasnt ready for all the responsibility.. I just didnt realize how full my plate was.... I just... unfortunately disappointed my whole family in the process..


sucks sooo much...

ETA: thanks for your input though, i really appreciate it.

[jlutgendorf]

You might try posting over in the Pets forum to get some ways to cope with the current issues you're having with her (housebreaking, nervous with the kids, clingy, etc.). There are some very knowledgable women over there who can get and your husband set up to work through these issues.

Also, what is your husband doing in terms of her care? If he really wants to keep the dog, I would be asking him to really step up and get a plan in place for integrating her into your household.

A few things I can reccomend: training classes, this will get you in touch with a trainer who should be able to help you with at least the housebreaking issues. Doggie Daycare, if you have one around, see if you can send her there a couple of days a week. This gives you a break from her velcro dog routine. Exercise, if she's still a young adult, she's going to need a walk or run at least once a day. It will tire her out (she'll sleep/rest more) and it will help reinforce in her mind that she's got a place in your family.

Also, you need to give any new dog at least 30 days to aclimate to your household. What you're seeing now probably isn't a true reflection of her personality. Her clinginess may actually go away as she feels more secure with her place in your "pack".

And if none of that seems feasable, then she's not the right dog for your family and there's no shame to taking her back. Give yourself some time to think about owning a dog again and find a rescue that fosters their animals. You give them your requirements and they match you up with a dog that is good for your family. I would guess your requirements would be: adult, housebroken, gentle/tolerant, confident, low energy, some training?

good luck, whatever your family chooses to do.

~Julia

[angela&avery]

Originally Posted by jlutgendorf

And if none of that seems feasable, then she's not the right dog for your family and there's no shame to taking her back. Give yourself some time to think about owning a dog again and find a rescue that fosters their animals. You give them your requirements and they match you up with a dog that is good for your family. I would guess your requirements would be: adult, housebroken, gentle/tolerant, confident, low energy, some training?

good luck, whatever your family chooses to do.

~Julia

thank you for this...